Thanks. I need to sleep more actually. Being quite naughty. think I still hate sleeping alone (though I should be used to it by now)

CP youre totally right - it all comes down to that. Making mistakes is one thing, a refusal to face up to them and call them by their right names is the worst.

If he had just had that in him he could have stopped much sooner.

If I ever do consider recovery this is where my bar needs to be set highest.

Hang on in there, this too will pass hun. It will kinda hit you like a wave every so often, you will learn to recognise it and will find your own ways to deal with it.

For me, I used meditation, found things to say thank you for and also tried to take myself out of it and ask 'what am I learning from this?'

Sometimes that was very hard and would yell while driving (alone or it worries the passengers!) 'what the f**k am I supposed to learn from this!"

Yes it's tough. it's tough whichever road you take, divorce or reconciliation, but whatever happened.....for me I came out of it as a stronger and better person.

Hugs hun, thinkin of you today.

Thanks Tanam, I had time to catch a quick glimpse of your 'thoughts' this morning. Helped me through my day so thanks lovely.

Feeling better. Zen is in again.

Got my copy of SAA in the post today - knowledge is power!!

Softlad is using the IM which is tops.

I am also going to be in bed within the hour. I looked ten years older this morning because of my night owl shennanigans. NOT acceptable.

So my Art of War tells me I should have spies in the enemy's camp

Course I cant do that for real , because Im dark Plan B, and will not hear any tales of him.

So I ask the former waywards this, if they don't mind: What was it like for you when you were being Plan B'd?

If someone was an Ow/OM who received a copy Plan B letter, that would be good to hear about too, but thinking it is rare to hear from them on here.

Indie,

You DO have spies in the enemy's camp. Your great exposure took care of that. Don't worry...they and the karma bus will take care of OW for you.

Focus on you. Laughter is great medicine. Do you have any really funny friends?

Hugs.

Oh yeah, I guess I do have spies. Overlooking the totally obvious.

Thanks for the hugs

I have been with friends tonight, laughed a lot. Regardless though Im having a bad couple of days. Terrible insomnia which I have never suffered with before. The girl who could sleep through a brass band in her bedroom is now being woken up by a sadness.

I miss him. I dont even know what it is I do miss, but I miss him.

Read SAA yesterday today and my mind is having all sorts of little insights, as a result. I like insights, dont think the insights are linked to the sadness. I think the sadness is totally its own creature.

I think so too.

Thanks Pep

Okay so this depression is killing me and thats just not going to work for me.

I know I have to process feelings of grief, but this is too debilitating.

Tanam's tip on meditation is pretty cool, I like to medidate.

Looking into antidepressants, but the side effects seemed all a bit crazy

i read the herbal supplement St Johns wort is good for mild depression, thinking of trying that.

Running is supposed to release endorphins. I havent done any normal exercise since DDay, so i may run, even though its not my thing. I might try swimming too.

What helped everyone else? If I can put the real bad 'on the rocks' feeling back in the box I can get on better with all my 'me' plans.

Starting to feel a pull towards places where I might run into him. This is natural but dangerous and I'm not willing to indulge myself on that point.

Focusing on me. That is my job now.

Google 5-HTP and tyrosine supplements. They helped me get off the effexor without the side effects and withdrawal.

Start on a low dose because to high of a dose will make you feel like you are coming down with the flu. Each person has a differnt requirement depending on your diet so no 2 people are the same.

Thats sounds a bit heavy duty for me LD, I dont even take aspirin or paracetamol! Plus UK GPs in the sort of area I live in are totally rubbish, I wouldnt trust them to prescribe cough medicine. I will look into, though. Research is my bag.

It is at the health food store here with the vitamins. I found them because I didn't want to take the AD's and getting off them are NOT fun. They tell you the side effects but don't bother to tell you about the withdrawl systems.

I take a low dose every other day now. All it does is provides your body with the "fuel" to create serotonin and dopamine.

Oh Indie,

you are amazing, I don't think you have any idea how amazing! Your posts on other threads are Amazonian.

I know that feeling, I would put money on you working in front line public services!! If I am right you have learned the ability to focus on the job in hand, the other stuff you can put away!

You need to look after the hurt side of you, acknowledge the hurt indie and give her some love. Instead of feeling bad about feeling sad, accept it and help out.

Give yourself some time to care for yourself. Why run if running isn't your thing, do something you enjoy.

I started riding again after years of wishing I had. You have no ideas the adventures that has taken me on.

In doing that I made new friends away from an old circle.

I tried St Johns Wort, it did help a bit on the really down days, but the meditation did more. I was always interested in alternative therapies, so I have explored some of them, I read Deepak Chopra, wise man.

And I talked, I talked and talked, I found a counsellor who made me listen to myself and validated me. She enabled me to change. I had a friend who also allowed me to talk without making me make decisions, just let me feel for a bit, and work stuff out.

Mmmmm bit deep!!

I guess what I am trying to say is the I learned to like me again. The damage done can be horrid when the betrayal is by 2 people you thought cared about you.

Thinkin of you

Cool. will get going with that research.

Indie - I'm curious to see what you find out!

I googled 5-HTP and tyrosine , sounds pretty good except most sites said its only sold over counter in Canada and US. Will look in the health food stores here though, you never know

Some customer reviews said they were good for people who had had no luck with St J Wort, but said to try that one first...

I actually have some SJW in the house, I was going to use some to treat PMT, but found out it stops your contraception from working before taking any. Guess I dont have to worry about that now!

St John's Wort works great for me.

Some common OTC drugs like Benadryl can act as a mood depressant in some people (not to mention in times of intense stress gives me off the wall, insane nightmares!).

Exercise is good, too.

Everyone says time, but I don't think time in itself will cure anything. Time, a choice to find something positive everyday, a schedule of meals, forcing yourself to go out and do some activites, but still allowing yourself down time to heal, that seems to help.

Yeah, just so Tanam. I have to focus on the job in hand. The job I have right now is to focus on me. If my thoughts are being dragged back to him every minute, then I cant do that, so I have to think outside the box for the solution to that one.

Im not going to sit around going 'poor me' 'its out of my control' 'I cant help it' Thats what waywards do to avoid taking any action. Acknowledging the hurt and talking it out with friends is all working very well for me. Think it meets my need for affection.

Your post just met my need for admiration!!! LOL who needs a softlad eh?

So like I said talking is great but i need to put some 'tiger in my tank' (an old Esso fuel advert for non brits) as well...

Yup this makes a tonne of sense to me...