Thanks Reading!

I think I am on my way for 1, 2 and 3.

Not sure about 5.

And gosh, at this point, I cannot imagine WH ever agreeing to surrender so I haven't a clue what to do there. And, I can quite get my mind wrapped around the alternative either....

I recently downloaded the "Art of War" on my iPad......I can't wait to delve into the book that encouraged the author of this thread..... ....Miss Mimi....

Not

Any art of war thoughts on getting spouse to fill out EN questionairre? He does not want to work on relationship so this may be asking too much, but if I presented it in such a way that he thinks it would benefit him? Sneaky thoughts on that? Also, do u fill out with how things are presently or how they have been in the past? Thanks!

I think it would be best for you to try to figure his ENs by your knowledge and observations of him at this point. He isn't ready to do the questionairre yet.

Men tend to have
Sexual Fulfillment
Physical Attractiveness
Recreational Companionship
as three of the five
what do you suspect are two more?

Then, try to meet those needs.

Maybe way later, in true recovery, he will be able to do the program questionaires.

Use the Art of War still to continue to snoop, continue to be less vulnerable to defeat.

Fwiw, I read this as I prepared for divorce with Deucey/Darth (xwh).

Used it as recently as 2.5 years ago and got a surprise hearing on a friday granted by superior court judge for a monday hearing and got total custody away from the psychotic wayward ex.

The logic is always spot-on!

You follow that logic for all tedious situations where clear thought is necessary and when you could be swayed by emotions. Knowing how to apply MB IS a situation when you're dealing with a wayward. USE the suggestions from the above posts by Pepperband, to know when to do what.

I swear, this works! there is an ART to war. No matter if it's a business matter, child custody, a divorce negotiation, or winning back a wayard and healing your marriage and fighting an affair.

For now, those reading here, realize YOU are at WAR with an affair! Beat it!

The biggest single fact that I can say to "get" is this one from her amazing post:

"Attack where they are not prepared; go out to where they do not expect."

K...thanks. I am pretty sure it is admiration and conversation. I was meeting everything but!

An easy tactic that brings some reality to our situation, I have been innocently "spending" his affair (aka apartment) money. That pesky tattoo, laser treatments. The darn crown on my tooth...done! Kids need antibiotics for ear infection, by golly there are some that are really expensive and insurance doesn't cover. The Costco trip, boy we eat a lot! Little things here and there that add up and remind him what it will be like supporting not one, but 2 households. Sneaky...yes. But, necessary and he doesn't suspect it is a plan. (therefore not a LB in his view.)

Yes! It Is War!

Let's talk Plan A tactics:

-I sent text messages that I didn't mind her intercepting when I knew he was with her.... to remind her that I was still around and we are still married. I loved to be overly familiar like, "Hey sweetie when you come by can you bring some cash?" I'm sure she loved those beeps. Heehee.

-If I wanted to have a happy chat with him, I called when I knew he was on his way to work or in some other way not with her and so he would answer the phone (since he was pretending he wasn't waffling when with her, but he waffled quite a bit)

-I sent Affirmation text messages AKA love notes to him during his work hours so he would get them and be able to think about them when she was not around. I elaborated on all the ways I fell in love with him and the ways I appreciate him now. I also sent encouraging notes regularly.

-2 weeks after D-Day we had a trip planned to go out of town with only the baby, the rest of the kids with the grandparents. I used this time for affection and conversation and when the opportunity presented itself, sex. In fact this takes its own bullet point

-I let him know he was Wanted iykwim. He joked with me before aforementioned trip, said, "you are going to seduce me aren't you?" I told him in a text message, "This is not a joke to me. I love you and if you love me too and want to have sex with me I am willing. I know you are confused, but I am not confused. I am Yours." OW intercepted That text message (hahahahahaha) and OW had said "If you have sex with her don't bother to come back." So on the drive out of town he claimed he didn't want sex, told me what she said, even. He said he didn't want to have sex until he decided (barf). When we got there he was giving me signals that he did want sex so I went for it and I gave him something worth remembering, lol. When it was over he was emotional and sad and I cuddled with him and reassured him that we are married and this is okay. He seemed to feel that he cheated on HER. He said, "you are going to tell her aren't you." I said "No, I didn't do it for that reason, I did it because I love you." The truth is:
1. I liked the idea of him living with that guilt and having that "secret" in their relationship she didn't know about.
2. I also just plain didn't believe her that she wouldn't take him back (and I was right because she took him back even after he left her and came back to me later).
3. I did it because I love him, and he needed to hear and see that.
4. My body is 100 times better than hers and I wanted to make sure he remembered that.

-When he came to visit the house/kids/me, I would frequently have some need to change my clothes, or just be fresh out of the shower, dripping wet, in just a towel. LOL See reason #4 just above. He would often comment on how hot and skinny I was (am... I weigh 100 pounds) and how he can't even pick her up and she has stretch marks and sagging skin and such.... not that there's anything wrong with that, but since I am one of the lucky ones that didn't get stretch marks, I play my cards accordingly.

-OW can't cook. Every time he visited I made sure I had his favorite fresh cookies made the day before or a good meal for him to sit down to, chicken noodles or whatever. I'd have us all sit down as a family and enjoy the meal... remind him what its like to be here and part of the family with good food. He and OW have been eating Dairy Queen and Steak N Shake ever since D-day... not only is that expensive, it gets old. He loves my cooking. I would also send him with food to work... so he had something for his lunches. He told me when he temporarily moved back in that he has been eating canned soups and stuff, YUCK. lol...

-I sent him updates on his favorite basketball games that happened while he had to work. He started calling me to find out what the score was or whatever. This is something he did before he moved out and is a way to do "recreational companionship" even while he was away. I was never into basketball that much but I let him know that I am willing to learn more about it as a way to better meet his emotional needs. He appreciated it and said "I can't believe you are watching basketball without me there." (this was just a few days before he moved back in temporarily)

-When he visited, I made sure not just to talk about the affair. I also suggested we watch some of our f
avorite TV shows together or that we should go out (more recreational companionship). A couple times we had a sitter and went out, alone. Guarantee OW didn't know about that...

-I kept him updated on the kids so that he would know what he was missing out on with them, flirty fun messages about how I wish he was here, its about time to plant flowers (something we've always done together




Plan B tactics:

-Like above poster, I am spending the affair money. Well, there isn't a lot of extra money, but I am not being frugal like I could be just to pay for their affair. I go out the day he gets paid and buy the groceries we need and such. Otherwise he spends it all. I spend what I need so that he can see ther eisn't enough money for this affair. I don't even know how he would file for divorce because he has no money to do so.

-Since my crazy WH has introduced OW to my kids, I have changed the visitation schedule to be only during times when she works. I don't know that he's quite caught onto that yet.... will be interesting to see if he says anything if he does. But I am keeping MY KIDS away from HER as long as I am married to him and have the right.



There might be more I am forgetting.... I will think about this. But I remember telling my friend that I put on the Battle Paint and IT IS ON!!! That was before I saw this thread.... lol

Now seriously get an order in place Mehr to make sure ow is not legally allowed around the kids, because it is immoral to have people in an adulterous affair spending the night when the kids are in the custodial home. MOST states believe that is basically "usual language" when putting together either a sep agreement or divorce decree.

I'd push for that big time right now. I'd also save some of that affair money and sock it away somewhere he can't find. My xwh stole $ and put it overseas...lots of it. and my forensic accountant could not find it.

I love what you did about the "nookie" thing Mehr! Wanna know what I did one night? Straight outta "war". It was one night before he went too crazy, but had moved out. I was still in plan A, but it was right before B.

My then wh had called me late at night and said he missed me so much. I said "well baby come on over, the front door is unlocked."

After I talked to him in the 10 minutes before he got there, I realized I really did NOT want to be around him, as I was really ready for plan B and it actually was within 2 weeks of my filing for divorce.

So what did I do? I had gained courtesy of PI, the ow's home phone number, which I had never called and was only going to use it for my lawyers and for the courts for any reason. However, that night, I called her from my new home phone, which was the same area code as wh, as we lived in another state from her.

She answered her phone sleepily and I said to her in the coldest voice ever with a laugh: "Hey ho, wanna know where your boyfriend is? He is banging on my front door right now, thinking I'm going to let him come upstairs with me to have the hottest sex ever. But I don't want him anymore. You see, I don't find an adulterous husband sexy anymore. Now be a good little ho and put that leash around him tighter. Whatever you're doing obviously isn't working."

She began screaming "who is this?" And I said to her. "come on P, you know who I am. I am the wife. The wife of your boyfriend. Get your ducks in order soon. That's all I have to say to you."

She then cried and said "Why are you doing this to me?" I said "Why are you doing this to my family? YOU back off or you will regret legally ever hearing my name. And from this day forward you WILL remember my name and that you are nothing but sloppy seconds. If you don't believe me, call darth's home number now. He's not home. He's out front. Call his cell and ask him where he is right now."

Five minutes later he called me screaming that I'd set him up. He he, he'd called the hobag. She dumped him yet again and their tawdry little cheap story went on and on. But I did keep my promise to the sleepy scuzzbucket. I subpoenae'd the wench. Embarassed her to high heaven! Exposure is lovely, even if you are in plan B and like I was..going to plan D.

Art of war Mehr, is really art of WINNING the unjust war we have to find ourselves now fighting.

When we get a separation or divorce I will do what I can. I will say that he doesn't get the kids overnight at all right now.

Free Download of this book !

The orange box to the right, contains a drop down menu where you can choose your preferred format.

Thanks for bumping.
I have a much loved dog earred paper copy that I have read, read, read.

Good reading in plan B too. Yup.

Bump.

Does anyone know if I can add his thread to my sig and how?

*** The Art Of War ***


Copy the above link
Then
Go to "my stuff"
Then click on
"edit profile"
Then scroll down to "my signature"
Then
Paste the link

Test it by viewing "preview"

Good luck

Hi pep,

If I right click and 'copy' it just pastes as text, not as a link that can be clicked on

I I right click an 'copy shortcut' it doesnt appear as Art of War on my sig...?

Hit the "quote" button below my post.
Then, get rid of everything except the url link.
Copy/paste that to your sig line.