Seraph, you are getting excellent advice and support here. And it sounds like you are doing so well, given the circumstances.

Not to add too much to your plate right now, but I would strongly, STRONGLY caution against this trip in August. It's too soon, and there is waaaaaaay too much temptation there. Just...no. Not worth the risk, IMHO, unless there are extremely dire circumstances re: family to which you need attend.

Keep up the hard work - you're doing brilliantly.

I'm planning to go with. I'm also planning to expose to his parents so they can help. I hope they will, anyway.

I think I'm doing ok. I've been pleasant in conversation and attitude, no relationship talk (except one which he initiated). He's not wearing his wedding ring (as of me exposing the affair to OWH yesterday), and also no longer sleeping in our bed (also as of yesterday).

We played a game with DS, which was fun. I told WH I'm planning to watch a movie tonight and he's welcome to join me - he seemed interested.

He's still adamant that our relationship is over, he's done with me, etc, but at least he's being pleasant.

I 2nd the NOT going on the trip even if you go with him. You would both be thinking about what the trip was originally planned for. I think that would be too soon to test those triggers.

A great example of fog responses :

WH: Our marriage is over!
You: Yep, our old marriage is dead and gone. (smile) Want a cookie?

I love that! Where can I find more fog responses? Searching isn't helping.

You agree with WH and twist his nonsense to suit you.

WH: I'm not sure I ever really loved you.
You: Me too! (smile ) Our love is that special.

You confuse him and stay cheerful. You do not need to make sense when WH says dumb stuff. Stay positive. He's speaking alien tongue.

I'm hoping someone knows where it is. I'm walking out the door and won't be able to look for it myself.

Seraph, I'm sorry I'm late to this thread, but I wanted to say this before we got much further along......

You're doing great!

As the roller coaster dips, flip, whirls, and dives for the immediate future keep repeating that to yourself.

Why "Great"?

• Your "gut" gave you the sense of unease very quickly (2 months?) into your husband's A
• You knew enough to ignore his protestations and persist in your discovery efforts.
• You succeeded in verifying the A, contacting the other BS, and begin building the wall both of you BSs are going to have to construct, monitor, and confer on.
• You have NOT become either a "screaming mimi", or "devastated lump", which all too often results from discovery.
• By ending the WoW access, you have caused WH to leave his "job" he shared with AP.

Your husband will soon come to appreciate how well you handled this crisis.

All that said, now get back to work!

He says right now that he does not love you. I believe right now, that would be accurate. You have been supplanted in his affections by the mythical being he created, mostly in his mind, from the person of AP.

So what emotions is he likely experiencing?

• Loss. He doesn't get to interact with AP anymore. (and you and OWH will ENSURE that, right?)
• Shame. Yes, he'll hide it behind belligerence, but it is there.
• Resentment. Your action (however proper) deprived him of his fantasy "happy place".

You cannot help him through the first directly. You're going to have to sneak up on it with EN-satisfaction (a la Plan A), and re-assume your rightful place in his heart. This part is NOT for him, but for you. You (we?) need absolute, brutal candor. In 20+ years of marriage, you had to be aware of faults in your marriage, some HE could have mended, some YOU could have. Identify them. Make plans NOW to fix them (and if possible, start fixing them as he continues through withdrawal.

You're going to have to continue exposure, to those folks that have importance to your WH, and can help "re-educate" him on his responsibilities. Be very careful here. He (and you) are actually behaving more along the lines of a BH/WW pair than a traditional WH/BW. (Which, I guess, is why S88 "popped a flare" for me?) You do NOT want to elevate the level of shame too much.

As far as resentment you must apply a constancy in your reponses to his "Why did you do this?" moments. Whatever your personal style, it should come accross as "I love you so much, and value our marriage so dearly, that I am willing to go to any lengths to give us a chance at recovery to a better marriage than we had."

nESRE

Thanks, everyone, for the input.

Last night was ok - watched Star Trek together. Had a short conversation in which I said, "I'm nervous you or OW will try to contact each other tomorrow. What can we do to make me feel better?"

He said he wasn't planning to contact, but would tell me if he did, and would tell me if she does. Of course, I can't *believe* that, but at least he took the conversation well. He asked if I wanted to keep tailing about it, and I said, "no, just wanted to be open and honest about my concerns. Thanks for being willing to talk.". He seemed oddly surprised by that.

At one point during Star Trek, he asked if I was ok. I took a full 10 seconds before I could say, "of course!" in a believable way. (I thought shouting, "Are you mental? How on earth could I be ok?!" but realized that was a bad idea.)

Ay bedtime, he said, completely out of the blue, "is that why you offered to sleep on the couch last night? So you could keep an eye on my laptop?". I was taken aback, but just said, "no ... I was just offering to be nice when I saw you had bedded down there."

A few minutes later he said, "I guess I can try to sleep in the bed tonight. If I can't sleep and wind up keeping you awake, I can go to the couch". I said, "it's no different than the last month, is it, sleeping with the wall of blanket between us.". He said, "I guess not."

I had taken a sleeping pill and gotten so little sleep I was out in about 30 seconds, and slept a full 8 hours, somewhat was nice.

Time for a few naughty drive-bys. Bend over in front of him, say something a little racy as you walk by so he doesn't have a chance to respond (or not respond), that sort of thing. Wear adorable nighties to bed.

Don't make SF an immediate goal, rather just to tease him and start to turn his interest back to you.

I stayed home today. He seemed "concerned", and asked if I had a headache or was just sad. Imsaid I didn't think I'd be very effective at work feeling how I do.

As he was leaving, he said something like, "let me know how you're doing later."

Looking at his search history today, I can see he googles "covenant marriage" (not sure why, we don't have one), then "group on getaways", then about an hour later, "(our state) divorce". He looked at 4 pages in the search results, including the documents.

Needless to say I'm pretty shaken up, but don't think asking him about that is the right idea. Thoughts? Positivie thinking? Help?

Get his attention.
Neak is an expert in this area.

(You saw what I posted above, right? We might have been posting at the same time.)

You're right to ignore that stuff for now, unless he brings it up. He's all over the map right now, and you'll go crazy trying to follow him. However, should he raise the subject....

WH: I've been doing some research on D's in our state. What do you think?
You: I've been doing some research about M's in our state. Wait till I show you what I learned about SF! (Then wink and walk away.)

Another great stock reply to have ready when the subject of D comes up is a calm, "I don't do D. I only do M." And change the subject.

Thanks. This is good. I need to not let myself get clouded.

I got a mail from him and it looked like he had changed it from having me as "pet name" to "first name lastname". Turns out I was mistaken, but I had already mailed him asking about it. He responded and explained.

A bit later I just said, "thanks. I shouldn't have sent email. Sorry"

He said, no it has to be ok to ask him about stuff.

I just hate this. I just want my husband back, not this horrible hurtful alien. And when I see glimpses of my husband, that somehow hurts more.

I love the banter that we can exchange on this site - comebacks, ripostes, etc - but however witty they come across here, they VERY EASILY can appear flippant and inadequately serious to a spouse who is in serious turmoil, mentally and emotionally. If there is ANY chance of that interpretation, save it and tell us HERE.

Remember, you're dealing with your lives and futures, not some episode of "Friends". Without a pre-arranged laughtrack, the line might come across as crass.

Thanks, NeverGuessed. I'm just using these ideas as jumping off points and adapting them to my style/the situation.

He just called to say that he hopes I'm ok. He asked why I was sad. I said I don't want a divorce. He said he still does. He wants to be friends for our son's sake. Decided that the phone was not the time to argue about that. Told him we'd talk more when he got home.

He told me he had a missed call from OW - he's certain it was from her work phone. He didn't call her back, but he wanted to.

I told him I would have to tell OWH - he said he knew that. I thanked him for being honest.

I don't even know what to do now.

I'm calling his parents right now. He was going to, but didn't yesterday and I'm not willing to wait anymore.