I have a question that is nagging at me, If the waywards could enlighten me on this one.
If a person is having an affair and they are now in love with their AP and they are planning a future, then why don't they just go.

My husband actually at one time told me he had a discussion with his OW about being caught and if that happened they would have no chance at being together.
Why is that that thinking if they had already chosen to leave the marriage and in love with that other person.........why wouldn't it work?
Any other waywards process the decision in this way? If it was important enough to change who they were, why not important enough to support that new life they had chosen for themselves, what stood in the way? Lookiing at it only from the two affair partners, selfishness at this stage is in the fore front.

What were your reasons for leaving, staying, thinking it would work or not.....
Logically it makes no sense to me, big decisions and no follow through.......
???????
jessi
p.s. recovery is good now for us but little bits make no sense to me, I have let this go for myself knowing that affairs make no sense, but the question lingers, maybe someone else can make some sense of it for me.....

Well, I think that your H wasn't planning a future with OW. You are bemused because you believe that he was, but did he ever say he really was? Do you think you have ever got to the bottom of his feelings for her?

My H planned his future with OW as they lay in bed together, and during many long-distance phone calls etc, yet each time either her H or I discovered the affair (long story - about 8 D Days), my H threw her under the bus.

I have asked him the question you are asking here, and the simple answer is that he never meant the things he said to her. That is to say, sometimes, lying there in fantasy land, especially when they managed to wangle a whole night together, he would indulge fully in the fantasy of their future, and probably sometimes believed it. Of course, being with her was much more attractive than being with me and the kids, especially as our marriage suffered terribly because of the affair. I'm sure he really enjoyed thoughts of their life together, away from the nuisance spouses and kids that they were both saddled with.

But my H has consistently said something that Dr Harley also says about men; that they can live with their marriage and their affair in completely separate compartments in their minds, and they do not allow the one to interfere with the other. As my H put it to me, when he was in Belgium with her, he was fully engaged in that life and it was his only reality. When he was at home with me, this was reality, and he knew which one was the REAL reality.

Of course, that doesn't explain the daily texts to her in secret from our bedroom, or the hours-long phone calls to her from work. Clearly she was on his mind all the time, and I wasn't, except as a pain-in-the-butt responsibility.

It's hard to understand, and I only have what my H is prepared to tell me. He has always wanted to stay with me, and so he has a vested interest in minimising how much the affair meant to him and how seriously he considered leaving me for OW. However, from what I have seen on his behaviour, he didn't leave because he did not seriously want to.

I agree with Sugarcane. Most men don't leave their wives for an OW. They have no intention of doing so. Oh, they might talk about a future with the OW, but it just for the purpose to keep the easy, free nookie coming. When push comes to shove, the WH has an endless supply of excuses why he can't leave his wife.

Rationalizing irrational thought patterns and behaviors is a path to madness.

FWW never saw a future with OM... because he had nothing to offer. Nothing. He was younger, had nothing of his own, made less money than she did, had no responsibility for anything.

Of course, in this case, lack of responsibility was part of the pull; the fantasy was the lack of responsibility.

Even within that, she knew there was no future there.

It's like shoplifting; there is not thought of consequences, only in the short "reward" of the moment.

Mel is spot on.

Imho, it is the fantasy that keeps the affair going. And in my case, my xwh had NOBODY that would ever (except for me and my friends and family) put pressure on him after exposure to end it. Plus it was what I call the "small child syndrome" where the WH is seeking out ginormous amounts of admiration b/c there's a small child at home who is suddenly getting more of the attention from the mom (which is natural with a small child). Those guys imho seek the fantasy of the life with NO RESPONSIBILITIES with the skank ho's harder than others. They want that fantasy, that release, that freedom in their fogged out little minds (along with the cobwebs and turds) from the bills, screaming kids, and mowing the lawn or worrying about the mortgage.

That's what keeps them plugged in.

My xwh used to tell me he just wanted to not have to deal with the hard stuff (after we divorced). But he fell into MORE of it with the ow he married immediately after. And their M was disastrous and he cheated on her instantly. He had all the stress he perceived before, but now it was multiplied 10x over with her and her child (from previous r) and an oc.

Sometimes they DO go. And if they do, it is to chase further that fantasy. But deep down, even my xwh told me (when he tried to get me back at the 2 yr mark like Dr. Harley says they do)that he knew that ending our M was the wrong thing, and that marrying her (skank pregnant ow) was even worse than that. They DO understand this when they are in full crazy fantasy mode.

It is imho a combo of wanting lots of attention as well as an escape fantasy from the everyday stuff we all have to do that isn't pleasant. Our honeymoons when we married were great huh? Sure were. We had it all paid for. WE just went and enjoyed maybe a gorgeous beach, luxurious accomodations, and no worries in the world. That's how a wayward feels. Like they want to excape to a world of fantasy, with admiration and affection and NO WORRIES OR RESPONSIBILITIES.

Real life aint' that way. But the comfort of family and kids and a history with their spouse IS GOOD and that is what makes them come back or else regret their stupid decision for the rest of their lives.

jt, a whole lot of WSs do just that - check out emotionally, give up there marriage with BS, and just abandon their life, even leaving the children. There are too many of these BSs posting here on this site to even bother counting.

BUT.....they are all BHs. It seems that the WWs are the ones who buy into the infidelity fantasy so strongly, that occasionally even after AP is no longer in the picture, they have demonized the BH so much that they cannot be lured back into the marriage.

It seems so very different with the WHs, who (probably through the miracle of evolution, alpha male with his "harem", etc) happily choose to settle into a convenient "little bit here, little bit there" arrangement between BW and AP.

The GOOD news for the BWs out there is that their task bringing a WH back into the fold has seemed to be more achievable than a BH winning back the WW. WWs slam shut the door back to BH, where WHs apparently are more likely to keep it open a crack.

Agreed. jessi, you're giving the WS waaaay too much credit here.


ITA. TTTTTTTTTA.

It is true a BH usually has to work longer and harder. I don't know if the odds are less or not. What I do know, is it can be done. I have seen it work on here time and again, even with the most spiteful WW's who claim to hate their BH's.

jessi, GO and the others are absolutely right. There is no logic in an A. I realize that sounds like a cop-out, doesn't it? But I can look back now and I honestly can't figure out WTH I was thinking, for the life of me. A future with the POSOM? Puh-lease. A WS - myself included - simply is not thinking of the long-term. Removed from the situation and de-fogged, I see it, but during the A all the WS is interested in is the next "hit," the next "high."

My A ended when my H found out and confronted me. I dropped OM like a hot potato. I wasn't so far gone that I had completely stopped loving my H. I think deep down I knew there was never a future with POSOM. It's true what they say about affairing down. And it's not love, it's infatuation. Addiction. Completely different animals. A WS is not presenting an honest, authentic version of themselves to the AP and vice versa.

As far as the WH/WW difference, well, my BH won me back, and it was well before we found MB. He did an almost instinctual Plan A on me and it worked. Pretty quickly, I might add. He might say that it was a failure due to the trickle-truth and his ultimate decision to leave the M, but he did succeed in #1 killing the A and #2 winning my heart.

Neak -

Where have you seen it happen? I'm a BW with a horribly spiteful WH - he hates my guts, I'm the most horrible person on the planet, etc. Seriously? There's hope in here somewhere? I don't see a lot. I did Plan A without knowing about it (just followed my own instinct kinda on what to do when I found out - surprised myself), worked great for awhile, then he did a 180 and left. It's been all downhill from there. I fell into the Plan C (compromise) trap before I found Dr. Harley's book. Things are an ugly mess now, and I have no idea how to get out. Do you just file for divorce at this point? Legal separation? Still try to do Plan B even though he has no good memories left from Plan A? Where and how do you see this "work?" I admit, I'm new here, but I've found very little encouragement for my situation.