Gang: I believe a colleague at work has started affair with a new employee. I'm not super close with the colleague (let's call him B), and I barely know his suspected affair target (let's call her G). He lingers around her desk. He's made plans to 'grab a bite with her,' and I saw an "innocent" but non-work related text she sent him while I was standing next to his desk.

He has a reputation for hanging around young women in the office, and I witnessed him getting very lovey-dovey with an intern at a social function years ago (long before I knew about MB -- which has worked great in my life. Am in recovery. Thank God).

I have met his lovely wife, and he has two lovely young daughters.

Breaks my heart to see him seek attention from other women.

Wondering: Should I confront him? Send his wife an annonymous note?

Thoughts?

I wouldn't confront him at all. If he really is having an affair - and I would be certain before you do it - you might send his wife an email or give her a phone call.

Wouldn't it be better to try to stop someone from making such a HUGE mistake and cause so much pain? I sure wish someone had done that for me.

Or are u suspecting that he wouldn't listen to me (appealing to his better judgement, morals and vows) and drive the suspected affair deeper?

I don't know his wife well; only met her at a couple of work functions.

It's just hard to watch ... given what happened to me.

No, because you won't be able to stop him. He will just go further underground and then his wife will never find out. If you tell him you will just be forewarning him so he can do a better job of hiding it.

I know it is hard to watch.

I would make some notes of any specific times he leaves the office with that woman, and if it is on company time. I would also do as Mel said and give his wife a friendly call.

Maybe she needs to know he's having lunch alone with some other woman? it might kill the potential affair before it becomes a PA.

I sure wish someone would have called me when my WH was having inappropriate relationships with OW from work.

Even if she doesn't want to believe you she has a head up.

Would it be chicken of me to send her an anonymous letter, saying that i work with her husband and this is what I'm witnessing? I don't know why I'm hesitant to call her ... I feel like I could more easily confront him (telling him of the pain I've suffered, talking about his daughters, telling him he CAN have what he needs in his marriage through MB).

I think if she checked his phone records (texting alone), she would find enough evidence that she needs.

Ugh! People with bad boundaries really make me sad.

Again, I would absolutely NOT confront him because it will not help anything - it will hurt the chances of this BW finding out and having an opportunity to save her marriage. Don't steal that from her. She has to know the problem in order to save her marriage. Please make sure she is told.

In fact, he might even go home and tell his wife that "some nutjob coworker of mine thinks I am having an affair just because I talk to female coworkers!" Then when you do call or email her, she won't listen to you because you will have been discredited.

If it were me, I would email the woman and give her all the facts. Personally, I would give my full name and HOPE she tells her husband. But if you don't want to do that, i would do it anonymously but keep the email account open so you can continue to communicate. You can promise to continue to watch for her and give her information. But, if you just send her one email and then close the account, she will be left empty handed, and since you are anonymous, it will be his word against yours.

Of course it would be better if you talked to her in case she has questions she can verify with you.

I told an unsuspected wife anonymously but I made sure she could ask me plenty of questions. Which she did and was very thankful.

I think the important thing is that you're doing the right thing by letting her know.

Confronting him won't do any good because he already knows what he is doing.

I vote for you to tell her.

Exactly!

Ok, I agree that she's the one that should know. I will tell her what I know -- not exactly the clearest cut info -- but knowing his behavior before, I'm betting it's for sure an EA if not a PA. I'll send her to Marriage Builders, too.

What do you think of me forwarding the e-mail I'm sending to B's wife to "G," the object of "B"s affection? She's new and I doubt she would want to be seen as a home wrecker.

Hold off on that. FIRST, inform his wife and help her get the goods. THEN, I would forward her the email and raise holy hell with her. As her coworker, you have a lot of power in this situation. After you let his wife know, I would be cornering that little skank in the ladies bathroom and letting her know that you intend to report her to HR. Let the other women at work know too.

Melody, good points. All of 'em. Really, really wish I didn't feel compelled to do this.

I will tell B's wife that I don't have hard evidence, and that because of my own experience, she should NOT confront B. She should read up on MB, and decide for herself if she needs to snoop.

I won't confront G until later, if at all.

Hopefully contact will kill any start of anything.

Sigh!!!!

Exactly!!!!!

I'm sure she already knows he is married and so she's a big girl playing with the fire. She will get hers after you let the wife know and then she gets the "sweetpea" warning.

oops. miss-typed. i meant to say that I will tell her that my experience -- with an affair -- was so devastating that I feel compelled to let other potentially BSs know if I see something. (I did not have to do any snooping B4 DDay, because BH admitted to affair and ended it on DDay. Thank god!!!! I consider us in near full recovery; my therapist even recommended I stop therapy because I'm in good shape. Yeah!)

OK, I'll keep y'all posted on results after I send B's wife a note tmr. (I am working tonight with B AND G, and I know they are "grabbing a bite" during our dinner break. Will try to keep an eye on his email, if possible, to see how much emailing they may be doing.

On sharing your experience with G. You might want to wait until the wife knows, because she might go back to B and say "I think sweetpea is watching us and we might need to be careful" and then they will spin it that because it happened to you, you're just being paranoid and we aren't doing anything wrong.

Good job for doing the right thing.

Yes please keep us updated.

You are one of the good guys, sweetpea!

Absolutely the right thing to do here is tell the BW.

I received a phone call from someone who worked with my WH almost 4 years ago. I only wish that they had left me an avenue to contact them and ask questions, since on DDAY I was so devastated, all I could say was, "Okay." I was able to be gaslighted by my WH and OW, and now WH lives with OW. Hmmmm, if I could have caught it sooner, it would have turned out a lot differently, I am CERTAIN.

Also, had I known about MB, I would have done things much quicker and may have been able to stop the EA from turning into a PA, or for them to become as entrenched as they seem to be now.

And, on another note, I talked to a mom at the school who had started an EA/PA with a M.OM. She never ended it and actually got angry with me when she found out that I was going to expose to her BH. She was exposed, but they are not recovering the MB way, and I have little hope for their recovery the way that they are doing it.

In short, do this the best possible way to help the BW.

Hey, all: Haven't written because ... I've chickened out on exposing to coworker's wife.

I spent this time watching them while at the office -- we work in an open environment and we're not all there at the same time -- and I just can't pull the trigger on a letter to B's wife.

My husband and I have talked long and hard about this. He is definitely of the mind that I should not meddle in their lives, because I don't REALLY know what's going on and B is not a good friend of mine. Husband says if B were a really close friend, then this compulsion I feel to set him on the right path would be justified, but casual work colleague is too risky. Especially having seen only what I've seen, which ain't much.

After watching them and thinking about what I could write to his wife, it felt rather weak, and I imagined opening such a letter myself. Seems like a coward's way and would put a woman into a tailspin with no hard proof of, well, anything.

I'm sorry to let you guys down, and I, myself, feel like I've failed in my quest to be a warrior for marriage, marriage builders and for what's good in relationships. But I'm discovering that acting on limited info in the real world is extremely daunting, as opposed to commenting/supporting on this forum.

If anything changes -- their behavior or my motivation -- I'll let you know. Again, sorry!