My wife and I have been separated for more than two and half years now , D day is in October. In the mean time I met a woman about 8 months ago and are currently in a relationship . The relationship has been amazing up until a week ago . It was my weekend to have my boys . Up until now I have not told my children about the relationship . So in the past I would only sms�d my girlfriend over the weekend about 3 times a day . Last weekend however I only sms�d her once on Saturday as I also new she was going to spend the weekend with her Parents and sister, of which her parents are unaware of our relationship . I sms�d her again on Sunday morning which she said she never received .

On Sunday evening when calling her , she was so totally cold and usually I would pop around for a cup of coffee before going home , which she told me not to do. Since then all I got was the cold shoulder . She has said that by not sms her like I usually do made her feel that I was putting her on hold for the weekend . I accept my mistake and thoughtlessness I apologised to her and even sent her flowers this past Wednesday . Eventually on Friday evening I went to her place and asked her to please let me know what is going on. Her reply was that she did not know what she wanted . I said I would give her time to think about it me , but up to know I have heard nothing from her and she still is ignoring me. It feels as if she is torturing me to get back at me .

I just feel so hurt and I do not know what to do . any suggestions

Suggestions? You want suggestions?!?

I'd suggest that you not date while you are married. If you want to date you should get divorced.

**********

(Editing to add the below):

I went back and read all of your posts. When you started posting in April, after a multi-year break, you said that you met this woman 3 months after you filed for divorce.

You are in a rebound relationship. The chances of it lasting are slim. In my opinion, you need to break it off and take some time to heal from your long-term marriage with an unfaithful wife.

Yes, it will take time for the divorce to go through. Yes, it's awful. But you are not in the right frame of mind to choose someone right now. You didn't pick this woman deliberately because she is the right person to fulfill all/most of your emotional needs. You chose her because she was available and you didn't want to be lonely.

When you start to select the RIGHT woman, would you choose somebody who gets her knickers in a twist because you didn't text her often enough?

I suggest you spend some more time familiarizing yourself with the concepts here. Your post suggests that you are not behaving in line with MB concepts, so you will run into resistance all along the way; we generally do not advocate dating until AFTER a considerable period of time spent in actual Divorce.

For starters, you'll find that much of the teaching here is designed to protect the children from learning the wrong lessons from us as parents when we engage in dubious behavior (for instance...adultery, or dating while married). Particularly when kids are involved, Marriage is sacrosanct. Dating while there is still an active marriage contract in effect (even if it's only on paper, yadayadayada), we believe sends a message to children that the marriage contract is flimsy and only as solid as the whims of the parents - this philosophy perpetuates a terrible cycle of divorce in the next generations and continues to hurt kids for years and years to come.

You DO feel different dating once you're actually divorced as well. No one worth spending the rest of your life with would date you while you were still married.

Bottom line suggestion: rip off the bandaid and let yourself heal. The right way. Take your GF's cold shoulder as a good thing and walk away. Get your divorce. Recover from the adultery. Become a better NWTCO - become WillToCarryOn. There are plenty here going through the same struggles; you're not alone.

hey, you asked.

optimism

I concur with both of the responses here. Separated is not final as divorce is. What you have done is the same thing your wife did, justifying it by being separated. Ignorance is no excuse, but let that knowledge now teach you. I once thought like you too that if you filed for divorce and were separated it was different...it isn't. God can still work in a marriage so long as it exists...complicating it with a third party just makes it harder.

Now you need to go to your children and tell them what you did and that it was wrong and what you're doing to correct the situation.

Thanks to everyone for there comments and honesty. My Girlfriend has decided that we need to have No Contact between us until my divorce is finalized , which is now in three weeks time and the Guilt is just to much for her to bare . In the meantime my emotions are all over the place , have read about seven books on relationships and spiritual awareness books to help me cope . seem to be getting there , but its like a roller coaster ride.

Divorce sucks. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. May I suggest that you look into Divorce Care? They have a daily email service that I have found helpful.

As painful as it is for you, IMO the no contact is a really good idea. It sounds like your woman friend has realized that dating a married man is not the best plan.

When your divorce is final, you can begin to clear your head and heal from your bad marriage. It honestly takes time. I've been separated from my WXH for 22 months and divorced for nearly 3 months. I'm finally starting to come out of the fog.

Kirby , My issue is not dealing with my Divorce , that I settled no doubts in my mind. I started to post on this board in 2001 , When my wife started her first affairs .
After 6 months of being separated I went back , biggest mistake I�ve made, Went for counselling for one two years . In 2008 she started another affair and I could not carry on my life like this , so I filled for divorce, she has been through three different attorneys and just dragging this divorce out . I have no negative feelings towards her . My feelings and emotions are related to my Girlfriend and this is my issue now

Your GF sounds childish...ignoring you because you didn't send enough texts but not even bothering to discuss it with you at first, that shows anger and it's not dealt with in a positive manner.

After your divorce is final, you need to give yourself time to heal from it (and now from your GF as well) and learn to be on your own before getting involved with someone. You don't NEED to be in a relationship to be okay, and it's important to learn that before involving yourself with someone. Make a list of what you liked and didn't like in your relationship and use that list to try to learn to pick someone more suited for you next time. Write down what are the essentials (deal breakers) someone must have and what are the preferentials (negotiable). For me, an essential is someone's character, honesty. A preferential might be that they ride motorcycles...something I enjoy but can do without, not a deal breaker. That way when you are interested in someone, pull out your list and see how they line up with it before proceeding.

I am so down in the dumps at the moment , Me and my GF have broken off our relationship , but the biggest issue I have is that my soon to be EX has been dragging this divorce for two and a half years , after she was the one who had numerous affairs in our 20 years of marriage . she emotionally , financially abused me throughout our relationship. I have given her 5 fair offers for maintenance , including giving her the house , half my pension , basically everything . She has swopped to three different lawyers . I just feel as if she is reaching out from the grave , holding me back from starting my life over .She has already had two relationships with wealthy gentlemen , which I have learnt about , but Lucky for them they could see through her and unlucky for me . I have just ended the most amazing relationship due to this lengthy Divorce. What does this woman want from me ?

I am being tortured by this too, my STBX has managed to drag out the case for 2 1/2 years. The judge is furious with him and promises I will get my divorce on 25th August.

I found out about the adulteries five years ago and waited two years to file at his request in return for a promise to let things go smoothly at that point. But why would he be honest now when he lied for 20 years?

The only way to stay sane is to look at this as something that is helpful for you. Maybe you need this extra protection from forming the wrong kind of new relationship? I know that is what keeps me from jumping off a building. But the new relationship will survive this if it is right for both of you. Stay strong!

NWTCO, we registered about the same time, and I vaguely recognized your moniker. So, I checked out your thread. Personally, if you've filed and been separated for over a year or two, I don't think it's wrong to date. It's a continuum at that point. And at the end of two years, the divorce is really just the business deal. That said, keep in mind that the anger you feel toward your STBX can spill over into your new relationship. The stress of settlement doesn't usually show us to our best advantage.

What is really striking about your story is that your GF has backed out just when you are going to be completely free. I would have thought it a coincidence, except that she's not told her family she's seeing you. In fact, you didn't even feel comfortable texting her. That's odd. And if she wanted to communicate with you, why didn't she send you a sms? After 8 months, I would think that's acceptable.

Unfortunately, I think she only wanted you when you were unavailable. Something is really off.

Lied to again , Greengables thanks for your replies .
I Have tried to go NC with my ex girlfriend, and just one thing that I did not mention is she is a second cousin to my wife , therefore we have tried to hide the relationship from her parents as she has already disappointed her parents in the past by having an emotional affair which ended her marriage , so therefore she is scared and fears what her parents response will be . Also just before we broke up she also introduced me to her daughter , which she now says that it is unfair to have this burden of lying or keeping quite about us to her parents .
I Have just been so deep in the dumps over the past few weeks , its driving me insane , I have tried to focus on myself , going to Gym , have lost 16 KG . I�m just battling to cope .
Well I�m off to see her attorneys now to try and settle , wish me luck

I have to say, you Sir, have just about knocked me out of my chair. I read thru all your posts. Not once in all those posts, have you ever tried to work on your marriage. It's all about what your wife has done, is doing, won't do and not a single thing on what you can do, will do, have done, to attempt to fix anything.

Now you come back, and it's all about the GF and what she is doing, has done, won't do and still not a single thing on what you can do, will do and have done to attempt to fix anything.

Now you post that this GF, is your wifes second cousin. That her parents don't know about you two and your relationship. Why? Because she is scared and fears what her parents response will be? The part about the GF's daughter? That just reeks on the part of the 'adults' in this mess...you and your GF. One of you needs to unburden this young girl, and own up to your actions. That is a horrible position you two have put that girl in.

Lets see. She had an EA that ended her marriage. Second cousin to your wife. You met her when????? She should fear what her parents will say/do. As should you.

Ten years on this site, might I suggest you start actually reading the information here?

I think I saw two places in those original posts in 2001 where you almost admitted to something, ah yes, I remember now. You said you knew you were not 'perfect'.

Wow. Just wow.

I think the part that really blows my mind, is when you posted that you found out from your son, that your wife was again, getting involved with other men. Your son? Really? After reading what your boys went through, why the heck did it take your son telling you that your wife was looking around again? Where were YOU?

I feel for those boys, and hope like heck they can break history with their future wives.

One last thing for you.

No Stress Zone, Thanks for replying and your opinion ,

After the initial breakup 10 years ago , My wife and I went for counselling for a year together , My Eldest Son also went for Child counselling as he was the one who also found out then about my wife�s affairs. My wife gave up counselling after one year and I still went for another year . I have put everything into this marriage. My Wife stopped working as this was agreed by both of us , due to this is were the affairs started.

I can only change myself and not my wife�s addiction for affairs . I can look myself in the mirror and go to sleep with no guilt that I have not tried to save our marriage .
And Yes that is why my girlfriend and I have ended up the relationship , NC UNTILL MY DIVORCE IS SETTLED , because its so unfair on her daughter.

Where was I when this was happening , at work . This had been going on for some time as I found out from her Cell phone account which I did not see for three months ( She hid it from me ) which I requested from service provide. When I confronted her about his number , which had about 170 calls over three months she just said the relationship was platonic. After investigating this I found out that she also was doing a part time job for him ( Nero Surgeon was his profession ) 1 hour per week , during the day . ( CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT WORK SHE WAS DOING ). My eldest son is no in UNI and away from my wife and is doing well. My other two sons are coping well they are now also going for counselling.

So from a point of have I worked and tried to save my marriage , Yes I have and after 5 affairs and being emotionally and Financially abused for 20 Years , I thinks its time for me to want to start a new life for myself

As my gf broke up our relationship, due to me not being divorced . My Divorce date is next Friday . Would this mail be appropriate or should I just leave it and get on with my Life. I�m doing much better now , but I do not want to regret later in life , that maybe what she said was in fact the truth , ( Get your divorce finalized and then we will try again )

Hi ****,
Eventually after so many months of frustration the divorce is finally over and settled with. It�s been tough these past few months (I know for both of us) but I do respect your decision as I can only imagine what you must have been going through.
I however have still got so much hope for us on starting a new relationship. (The last e-mail you sent me, we will try again once you�re divorce is over).
I fell in love with the person you are. (Never wanted to change you)
If you really would like to give this a go. ( Please don�t do this for me , It must be what you want and only for you , then let me know even if you want time , for us to take it slow , I�m going nowhere, if this is what you want ).
And it was not fair of me to mention that other people are going forward with their lives (my Ex Wife and her new Advocate boyfriend) why not us, You have better values and Morals than them and Yes our relationship was weird, but I believe that there are so many positives that we could use and build a new relationship with.
I never want to look back in my life and regret any chances I should have taken and this would be one of them, giving us a second chance
You are not a stubborn, cold and heartless person that you say you are �hehe� and your heart is not broken or does not work (I�ve experienced your kind and loving heart)
I don�t know if there are any other factors that may influence your decision on starting over, as I presume the divorce was the only hurdle, if not then let�s speak about it. I know that we both respect and value each other and we can be openly honest.
Please remember I am not here to break your heart, never have been, and never will. �Actions speak louder than words �
I will give you a call later , would like to meet you for a Coffee so we can speak

A couple of thoughts on your proposed e-mail:


Based on what you said earlier (her EA that ended her marriage, now yet another involvement with a married man (you), I'd leave out the part about her morals.


Hmmm, I'd consider this a big red flag... If she says she is all these things, perhaps you should listen to her words rather than argue with her (?)...

AGG

NWTCO,
Do not send the email. Let this just die a natural death. If I had had all the details of this relationship in the beginning of the thread, I probably would have taken a different tone.

If you have to keep a relationship secret, you shouldn't be in that relationship. Period. End of story. Dating your ex's second cousin is not a smart choice. It makes for a lot of drama.

Let it go. Send no email. That just continues the drama and the relationship.

God cannot bless an "affairage" and that is what this is. Regardless of what brought your separation and filing for divorce into being, you were still at the time of your relationship with this woman, a married man, that makes this an affairage. I'd say let it go, JMHO...

My XH's affair partner just died 2 1/2 months ago, she was only 42. I am sad for her and even for my ex, but this seems to be one of the consequences of sin.

That is my concern right now-WH/now EX has flaunted his relationships by exposing our child to OW1/OW2 now GF and probably going to be spouse #2. I am at a loss as to how to address without coming across as bitter ex. DD actually asked recently if we were going to get back together! I told her that it couldn't happen while Daddy has GF and even if he didn't have GF, probably not. I further added Mommy and Daddy aren't even friends right now and I honestly don't know if we ever will be. My SIL, who is married to brother of XH, has told me that I just need to be example to her. Kind of hard to do when he continues to flaunt and do what he pleases with no regard to what kind of impression/influence it has on our DD. He gives in to, hands over his parental responsibility to
GF and buys/spoils DD to ease his conscience while continuing to be selfish, IMO. I shudder to think what DD is picking up from GF-not impressed with her judgment for dating married man and planned cross country trip to move in with divorce not even being final.

Please leave the poor second cousin alone and be still with yourself and then get on the real, honest to goodness market for a potential mate.
Please.