About a week ago I accidentally saw an open internet chat session that revealed wife of 20 years was having an affair with a coworker. I angrily confronted her and got the usual "love you but not in love, not sure I ever loved you, this happened becuase of our our problems dont blame him, etc, etc." - she claims it has not been physical and the chat session I read leads me to believe her. She claims it started 3 weeks ago and phone records seem to confirm that. Unfortunately the kids heard way too much and are extremely angry at her. She's told me almost daily that she won't contact him but continued to do so and gives me icy glares if I ask about it. The phone calls and texts have stopped but I'm also aware she has at least one email account that I can not access so she may have went underground with the communications. She tells me she just cant immediately turn off her feelings for him and needs some space and time to deal with it. She is truly sad about breaking off this fairly tale affair. She has agreed to marriage counseling and we have an appt this week. She is also seeing a personal therapist. Hopefully we can get the help we need and move forward, I still love her dearly and I'm not ready to give up on the marriage. This is still so new and my emotions are just raw - how do I cope until at least our first marriage counseling session. I feel like I'm an emotional basketcase and I need to be strong for the kids.

Welcome to MB, tw.

In order to cope until your first marriage counselling session, you need to read Dr Harley rules on How to Survive an Afffair (please read this article). You will see that the first step, before which no other steps are possible, is for you rwife to end all contact with the other man (OM) and to write a no contact (NC) letter.

Your wife will have to take more steps to make NC a reality, such as giving up her job. If he is a coworker she is not in NC with him, and never can be while she works with him. Your marriage stands no chance of recovery while she is easily able to see him at work, and communicate secretly via the internal email system.

Is this man married? What do you know about him? Is he her supervisor, or vice versa?

As for the marriage counselling: you will receive proper, effective Marriage Builders help if you use the MB Counselling Centre. The coaches there are Dr Harley's son, Steve Harley, and daughter, Dr Jennifer Chalmers. They will coach you and your wife separately by phone, to end the affair and rebuild the marriage. Since you have come to MB, I take it that their programme is the one you are interested in. You are most unlikely to get MB help with any other marriage counsellor.

I read the "how to survive" an affair a couple days ago and it did help some. As you note the biggest issue to moving forward is her NC betrayals. All I know about him is that he's married with two young children. They work at a very large corporation in a suburban office setting but in different departments, I really dont know how much interaction there is at work or how they even met. I will check into the Counseling Center tonight. Thanks for the info.

Please, click on the carrot/stick link in my sig line.
It is a "Cliff Notes" version of Plan A.

You need to expose this affair to his wife. That is the single most effective step that you can take to end their contact for good. She will be devastated to learn of the affair, but she will thank you for revealing the truth about how she has been living her life.

You need to find out his name and then find a way to contact his wife that will not be intercepted. Do not leave a voicemail message on her home phone. You must make direct contact with her.

You also should expose this affair to your wife's workplace. Again, you need to find out who OM is before you do this.

You must find out his identity without arousing your wife's suspicions about why you are paying such an interest. You need to snoop. Do you have access to her email account, or to her PC? Do you have access to her phone, so that you can read text messages?

Remember: I said SNOOP. Do not get caught looking through your wife's things, and do not arouse her suspicions by questioning her. Speaking as one who has gone through about 8 D days spreading over 8 years, the worst thing you can do is make some kind of ineffectual fuss about the affair without ending it, with proof. That will only give the two of them the opportunity to hide the affair even better, while carrying it on in some form or another.

This married man is like my H. He has no intention of leaving his wife just because some depressed married woman offered - or gave - him free snatch. This lonely married woman is a gift to him. She will provide him with no-strings sex, plus a lot of flattery and admiration, and she is safe, he thinks. She is married, and not in a position to make demands on him.

Your wife, however, considers herself to be in love and has checked out of your marriage. She has a list of grievances about how she has been neglected and unappreciated by you for years, and she feels that now is the time to take something for herself. (It's a pity that this has to be another woman's husband.) She will not give up on her affair easily and she will persuade her married man (MM) to stay in contact with her because she "loves" him and if he leaves her he will have "used" her.

She will go to marriage counselling and lie through her teeth that she plans to end her affair.

Your task is to use Plan A, which involves making the marriage an inviting place for her to stay, whilst simultaneously causing havoc in the affair and making THAT a very unpleasant relationship to continue. Make OM's life hell by setting his wife and his employers on him, and he will dump her. She isn't worth the hassle to him - so make hassle. Make him wish he had never been born.

Your wife, however, considers herself to be in love and has checked out of your marriage. She has a list of grievances about how she has been neglected and unappreciated by you for years, and she feels that now is the time to take something for herself. (It's a pity that this has to be another woman's husband.) She will not give up on her affair easily and she will persuade her married man (MM) to stay in contact with her because she "loves" him and if he leaves her he will have "used" her.


Sorry to t.j Sugar, but it seems you are talking about my WH and Ginge!!

Indeed and when he kicked her to the kerb, thats exactly what she said!!

Thats the bind he was in.

It's hard when you are a KISA to be in that place...........made him very poorly.

Get tough honey, get strong, then he will have to run to keep up!!

(and keep reading here, Sugar you are an inspiration to me!!)

Tanam: you are doing wonderful work here yourself.

You, I and AEK should get together and form a British corner. We could take over the board!

The most important thing you can do for your marriage is call up the OM's wife today and tell her all about the affair. Expose the affair to your wife's parents and ask for their assistance. Hopefully, you have told your children the truth about the affair.

Additionally, a letter should be sent to the Director of Human Resources telling them all about the affair. They are being place at great legal liability by the reckless behavior of your wife and the OM. It won't matter if she loses her job, because your marriage will never recover anyway as long as they continue to work together. She has to leave the job if you are to have any hope.

You should also DEMAND that she end her affair now. DEMAND it, because thoughtful requests are unlikely to get you anywhere.

Be very cautious about trusting your marriage to a marriage counselor. They are destructive to marriages and cause more harm than good. They don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and have an 84% failure rate. They have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population and typically advise clients to just divorce. The reason this is so dangerous to your marriage is because a MC does not understand the foggy mindset of a wayward and as such, will help your wife faciliatate a divorce or even pursue her affair if your wife claims this is what she wants. That would be a disaster. We see the destructive, stupid advice given by MC's on this forum all the time.

On the other hand, Dr Harley is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in saving such marriages. He is not a divorce counselor, but a real marriage counselor. His approach is completely different from others in that he knows how to save marriages. You can get his advice for FREE on this forum and/or on his radio show.

The biggest issue moving forward is that she works with the OM. She is triggered every day she goes there. This affair will continue until she leaves there. This is like an alcoholic going into the bar every day and having a drink. Sobriety is impossible under those conditions.

It should be a national scandal that Dr Harley's radio show is free. The advice is priceless.

Send an email and get FREE help with your marriage.

Marriage Builders Radio thread.

Good grief: he pays YOU to be on his show. He sends you a free book if he discusses your email.

Don't forget Indie!!

We need another northerner!

..and about my FWW and her OM.

You mean there are four of us???

Time to stage a coup!

Welcome to Marriage Builders, tw. I've quoted part of your post to help you save some cash: going to marriage counselling with a wayward is a complete waste of money. I understand that you're trying to get your WW (wayward wife) to hear a 'professional' talk some 'sense' into her - the odds of that happening aren't good. Your WW is in what is known as 'affair fog' - she's not going to listen to you or anyone else.

You need to contact the OM's wife and let her know what her hound-dog husband has been up to. If you can get a copy of those chat records, show them to her as well.

Your WW is going to need to leave that job. They cannot work together.

Please start reading the articles on this site in order to acquaint yourself with the nasty world of an affair. You'll be better equipped to kill the A your WW is having. She may claim that it's innocent, but it is at least an EA (emotional affair). Saddle up and squash it before it becomes a PA (physical affair). The OWH (other woman's husband) in my sitch sat on his thumbs for a few months and allowed his WW to bully him about his concerns regarding her relationship with my husband. In the time he waffled, frightened to make his wife angry, the affair went physical. Thank God the skank never got pregnant.

Act strongly and decisively. Listen to what you read here.

DO NOT WARN YOUR WW ABOUT EXPOSING THE AFFAIR. DO NOT TELL YOUR WW ABOUT THIS SITE. Many BS's (betrayed spouses) think they can threaten their wayward with exposure and the wayward will suddenly get religion and end the A. Nope. That doesn't work. The OWH in my sitch tried that little scheme, too. It just makes the adulterers more careful to hide their tracks. This is a war, friend. To get your wife back and repair your marriage. Using the tools on this site is your best bet for doing so.

I'm sorry you have to be here, but you've come to the right place.

WW came home tonight in a really good mood, probably safe to say she contacted him today and that's the source of happiness. WW also told family she will go on a planned vacation with us next week ~ can she really be this cold and calculating? I'm really struggling with calling his wife ~ she's a school teacher with summers off so I'm sure I could call during the day and get in contact. brain is numb.

What is the struggle exactly? Keeping the affair a secret only serves to enable the affair. Calling her and informing her would benefit EVERYONE. The OM's wife has to know what your wife and her husband are doing to her behind her back so she can protect herself and her children.

Everyone should be told about the affair, trainwreck. It is the most powerful weapon you have in saving your marriage.

Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist for 40 years and founder of Marriage Builders says about exposure:

"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." here

The hardest part will be dialing. Do you really want to allow this affair to continue? No. You don't. Break it up NOW. Consider that the timing is GOOD - she won't be distracted by having to work while addressing this terrible issue in her marriage.

I'm sure all of you are right and I have to expose this to OMW - and you are right, dialing that number is going to be incredibly difficult. I think I'm going to read some more on MB, maybe even call MB and then do the deed tomorrow while OM is at work.

Good man! Yes, it is very difficult. But not 1/100th as difficult as the inevitable divorce from NOT exposing. Divorce is difficult. Especially on children. The longer the affair is kept secret, the harder it will be to bust up and the more likely it is she will leave you. Here is a radio clip between Dr Harley and a betrayed husband who also did not expose. The husband had hid the affair for so long that his wife was in the process of leaving him for the OM. Dr Harley tells him it is real hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler.

radio clip

Additionally, everyone should be told of the affair. Your family members, children, workplace and close friends. The more people who know, the better. You can probably kill the affair in one day if you expose it wide and far.