Married 21 years. Just became empty Nester.
I am 3.5 months in WS still with OM. I have been unable to get wife to see the light. She asked for a divorce 3 days ago before telling me 5 days ago she doesn't want a divorce. It's ripping my heart out. I want to show her life with out me but not sure leaving for a few months is the right thing to do. I have been studying "His needs and Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair". I am now working plan B. I recognized I did not meet wife's emotional needs. That was the only thing I failed at meeting but it was her #1. I need advice whether or not leaving is a good idea.
My story can be heard on the radio archives 6-24-2011. I need fast response because I close on the sale of my home 7-21-2011 and wife has own apartment.

Are you saying DDay was 3.5 months ago...
Your kids are raised and out of the house
the house is sold and closing is 7/21
wife has own apartment for after 7/21


You say you are in plan b now...but how? if you are living together until 7/21, is she already living in her apartment?

Are you asking if you should stop the sale of the home? (under you obligated under the sale and purchase agreement?)


Have you exposed the affair to everyone?

My take...if you've been fighting this for 3.5 months and she's about to move to her own place on 7/21, then you keep plan A'ing while arranging for yourself to have a place to live on your own after 7/21. After separation...a couple days of plan a, perhaps a week...then drop a plan b letter on her and go dark.



Need more details.

Mr. Wondering

oh yeah, welcome to MB

Sorry,
She moved out at the time of my sons graduation June 6th. That was before I found this website and Dr.Harley's books. I sent Dr.Harley an email about my situation and he put me on the radio show. Unfortunately I assisted her moving out so she could have space to think about us. She said I was smothering her before her departure, and she could not think about the relationship. I have tried to get her to come home.
My situation involves my neighbor and friend. At this point she is clearly in the fog of the affair. I essentially set up a love nest and can't get WS to listen at all.
I have exposed the affair to all family members including my kids. In addition, most of our mutual friends. It is out in the open. family is trying to help but can't get WS to see at this point.

I sold the house because the OM and his wife who contributed to the problem live right next door. I was able to sell and waiting for the closing. Dr.Harley agreed get rid of the house.

Yup....move. Agree with Dr. Harley. If you recover you certainly aren't going to recover living there.


Is she still going out with you and/or spending any time with you?


You said you were in plan b, how could that be if you are having conversations with her?

Where are you going to live after July 21?

Mr. Wondering

She is not going out with me or spending any time with me. I have tried but to know avail. Conversations ended after she said she wanted a divorce (even though a few days before no divorce). Should I keep contacting her? I just want to handle this the right way.

I was planning on moving out of state. Oldest daughter asked me to go by her to give WS dose of reality. I am not sure if it is the right thing. I am only planning on short term and not telling WS. Of coarse the heart says no, she will come around. When I leave, it will be only her and the OM. The last of my kids is starting college in the fall about 2 hours from WS. I am worried about doing that and not sure if it's the right thing. Will it bring WS and OM closer?

It may...it may not. Not your problem. The real question is whether it's healthy for you to stay.

Dr. Harley posits that most affairs end within 2 years of exposure. A friend just wrote me yesterday that went through being betrayed back in 2007. His wife divorced him, married the OM and finally just this spring came to him and apologized after catching her new husband cheating on her (what they do with you they do to you). But that took 4 long years and he's now in a serious relationship with another woman and long past considering recovery.


She may or may not wake up. You don't do plan b in order to manipulate your wayward wife. You do it to detach from her because it's unhealthy FOR YOU to try to stay connected and change this situation. You do it so that IF she does wake up, one month, two months, 6 months, 2 years from now (like SOOOO many of them eventually do)...you'll still care enough to consider trying to reconcile. You are protecting the remaining love you have for her while getting on with your life without her.


I say...move with your daughter a ways a way. Get some distance and prospective. IF your wife reconsiders...you want and need her to commit to living FAR away from that town anyway...so the convenient thing is you'll happen to already live far away. The support of family should help and it doesn't sound like you'll have to commit to any lease or purchasing a home until much later on.

I'm soooo sorry you are in this position. It's extremely sad to see someone throw away gold and replace it with crap. It makes no sense whatsoever.

Mr. Wondering

Do any of the vets have any advice? I am scheduled to leave to my daughter 7-22-2011. I spoke with WW on Monday after starting post and she seemed less deer in the head light euphoric. She was not dispelling my words of marriage repair. Seems like she's coming around a little and listening. I was leaving town for work and she stopped by unintentionally to take care of our dog. She looked rough. Is the fog lifting? Vets please help. I would like to get more advice to show her we can repair this marriage.

MrW is a vet and he gave you great advice. Move away with your daughter. That way, if you do reconcile, you will have the best chance because you are far away from the OM and your wife can follow. You absolutely did the right thing in selling your house.

Has the affair been exposed to the OM's wife and the OM's parents, family, etc? It is very effective to expose these affairs to the OP's family so the WS will not be welcomed into that family.

I found your radio show:

Part 1

Part 11