He asked me last night when we were discussing if we could even try to repair our marriage, "What will I get from it if I committ to this?" I told him that I really don't know how to answer that question. That I could ask him the same question, but that I wouldn't because I thought it completely unfair. My question would be, "How can we help eachother?" I am just disgusted.

littlebit, work on getting set up for Plan B, while you are getting that set up, if you can get into counseling with Steve Harley, you might have a chance, but I think if you can't get your WH on board fully, you are just going to get those thousand knives for many more years or until you can't take anymore. He has his cake, he wants to keep eating it too. Tell him NO. You are worth more than that.

Don't go that route, you are worth far more than that. Let him see what he's missing. Money for child support, the house, you, and as much as you can get out of him.

Make sure those kids KNOW!!! If you don't believe that is necessary, think again, it's VERY necessary! Don't end up in my shoes, fighting against the impossible. Just make sure it is the truth you give them.
Plan B is not the end, it is not giving up! It is there to help and protect YOU!!! No longer than 2 years on this plan. WHen they say No COntact, they mean NO CONTACT. It's the only way you can heal.

Are there some veterans out there that can offer me some more advice? While I have a ton to read, I still need some advice.

No Stress Zone, what kind of counseling with Steve Harley are you referring to, private or as a couple? I don't think my H is really interested in therapy. He is saying that he has been getting help (I don't know when or where.) and that he is happy with who he is now. He says that he is not doing any of those things (porn, gambling, is not an alcoholic, secret cell phones, no other women.) I told him that I have no clue what he is telling me b/c he has not been sharing his achievements or life with me, that I didn't know he was seeking any help. I told him that I was happy that he has been seeking help to oversome his issues. It is good that he is feeling better about who he is. I can see it somewhat. BUT, it is not helping him to want a future with me. He is still in so much denial about his behavior, how it has affected everyone in his life, how it has cut me to pieces, the real damage that it has done, and he is mad at ME for exposing him. "It is just unacceptable. These are private things that you are just not to share with anyone." "I didn't share anything like this about you." Well, I didn't do these things!!!!!! So, he may feel better about who he is, but he isn't getting the help he needs to work on the things he doesn't see, recognize or want to recognize.

I wish him well. I just don't have any hope in a future with him.

LB, if he won't engage in recovery, I would pack his bags and insist he leave. If he won't leave, then you would want to a) move yourself or b) file for divorce and get him out legally.

His anger about exposure just reflects his foggy mind. I seriously doubt he has completely stopped all of his destructive behavior or he wouldn't be so foggy.

The fact is that you can't change him, but you can protect yourself from him. If he is an addict, he cares nothing for anyone except HIMSELF.

How are you doing today?

Hi Pepperband. I am glad to see you. I am sad. I feel the depth of loss of my life that I had hoped to have with my husband. I feel sad that it is over. I am trying to get all the information together that I need to file. It takes a while. I held on to nothing for so long that I don't know how to get it off my mind. I am so co-dependent that I can't seem to break free for me. I have a lot of untangling to do!!

Please continue to offer me advice about how to do all of this and everything that I need to do. I am grateful for everyone's help here.

I have been working on my co-dependency. I am in IC and feel that I am making some improvements. I have been doing some reading on co-dependency. I really like the book, Co-Dependent No More. It is a great book. My problem (OK, I have many!!!)is separating myself. finding my inner strength, belief in myself. I feel SOO much better, but old habits die hard. I just wanted my marriage to work. I never thought he didn't love me. I feel like an idiot. Why couldn't I see it?

He acts like everything is ok since he is getting whatever help he is getting and "isn't doing these things anymore." He will not tell me anything about his relationship with her. I have tried to explain how important it is for him to disclose, but he just doesn't. I also can't imagine that he would keep her on his FB account and passwords on his phones. He thinks everything should be just fine since he is being "nicer" to me.

I hate it that my marriage is over, but on the other hand, I am ready for a better life.

LB3,

You have come a long way since your first post! First, you are owning your own stuff, that's great! And you are working on it, that will take time, be patient and kind to yourself.

I take it you work outside the home, correct? Your WH works, maybe you will have to downsize or sell your home, but it is doable! Your WH has led a double life for so long with your going along with it that he doesn't know what to do with your putting your foot down, which is why he says he wants to work on your M. I've seen this too and there is no real effort being made.

I understand about the finances, but see what the attorney can come up with. Seriously consider the Plan B, but only when you yourself are ready to commit to it. It won't work if you are wishy washy.

<<hugs>>

ba

Thank you beginagain. I don't feel like I have come along way. I began working on the co-dependency over a year ago. I just found MB 1 1/2 months ago. I have not made the improvement that I should have, BUT, some improvement is better than none, right?!!!!

I am trying to be patient and kind to myself. I don't really believe all the horrible things he has said that I am, but it is difficult to get it all out of your head.

I do not work outside the home. We already have a small, inexpensive home. We do not live large.

You are right, he has led a double life for so long.... He enjoys his cake!!!

When you say "You have seen this too and there is no reall effot being made" will you expound on that please. I think I need to hear someone say it in some details. Would you mind? There is no real effort being made from any direction in any way really. Well, he is trying to be nicer and not criticize. I do see that effort. Just no effort to repair the relationship, disclose his secret second life or any information about his relationship with her. I don't see remorse or him breaking his back to make up for anything. At least show me something b/c I am a human being. Do the right thing.

Littlebit,

Not to t/j AI's thread. You asked if you've been in Plan C..

Read this and tell us what you think.
BSs... Plan C is not a plan

Listen to the clips at the end that I've posted of Dr. Harley discussing Plan C.

I would suggest going into Plan B. And I would strongly suggest that you cease offering very unwarranted "forgiveness." Forgiveness is not appropriate and only makes the situtation worse.

Did you follow any of the advice you recieved in your last thread? If you want answers, you might want to read it again. You were told there to go to Plan B and that advice has not changed.

Exactly.

I was wondering the same.

Littlebit why haven't you?

To answer all of your questions...There are sooooo many reasons why I didn't pull the trigger and implement plan B. Fear would be probably the main reason.
1. Fear about supporting my children with a gambling addict.
2. Fear about breaking the marital covenant. ( I know H already did, but I am just so against it.
3. Fear about tearing the children's world apart. I now believe it is the best thing, but it stil going to be hard to do it.

Money is the largest reason. I have contacted an attorney and am going to get it all ready. At this point, I no longer want to remain in this marriage. It has really never been one. I have been holding on to nothing, waiting for someone to accept, love and value me, us, our marriage who is not capable of doing so.

I know I have dragged my feet, waited too long, suffered unnecessarily, but I just had to wait until MY gut said time. It is now time.

I also would love for you to PLEASE keep giving me advice and helping me build strength. I am going to go back and re-read my other thread and start following the advice. I no longer have hope. That was tripping me up too!

Do you work?

So you're preparing for Plan B, correct?

I would concentrate on this and stay focused on this.

What steps do you need help with?

You have all the links. Have you found an IM? Started your letter?

Strength is a choice. No one is born with it. Everyone has fear. You have the choice to allow it to cripple you or make a decision to change. There is nothing anyone can say to you to make you CHOOSE to be strong. That is a decision you can make right now.

You don't have the luxury to cater to all your fears if you want to move forward in life. If you want the situation to change you will have to choose to change.

I don't have any time to repost what I wrote before, so please read what I wrote in your last thread.

littlebit, i am sorry for your pain. i don't think i have read your other thread.

it is definitely time for plan b. you will need help with this, and support especially after you go into it, so keep posting, ok?