Its been a very long time since I posted. For those who dont know my story, I have been married for 12 years now, about a year and a half ago I discovered that my husband had several affairs, he had one OW which he had been texting, meeting for lunch, and supposedly had sex with once, when I went out of town. More disturbing then that is after I exposed him on that finding emails from him and her, then he admitted to going on craigs list and searching for sexual oral encounters with men. Apparently he had 4 or 5 of these encounters with men. I was , (still am ) mortified.
Since then, I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions, my seven year old daughter, unfortunately had to witness my mental brakedowns. despite all the chaos, I decided to stay and try to work on my marriage. My husband is going to counseling for sexual addiction, has converted to catholasiscm, has really dove in fully with being a father and husband. he is completely transparent , he installed gps on my phone and can always account for his whearabouts. however, I am still having so many trust issues. I am trying to be patient and give more time to see how things are in a few years, but it is so hard. I am still having so many issues, with sex with hi. In many ways I am still repulsed by what he did with the men, and even the fact that he was chatting with the other woman so long. Most days I dont want to kiss him or anything. So then it worries me that he will cheat because after all he is a sex addict and now I am not giving him much sex. Justwondering if i am on the right track with all this, . We are doing both individual andmarrital counseling, and we are both trying to be very open with each other, but is it really possible to get through this, I feel like we are just coexisting now. Things are just so complicated now. I love him so much and love the "new" him, but I really miss the feeling of being so infatuated with him, that seems to be gone and I miss it. Any thoughts????

Welcome back, nw.

Have you spoken to Dr Harley about this, on his radio show? I really think that situations as complex as yours require his direct help.

Wife of recovering SA, here.

I needed my husband to openly woo me, and hard to fall back in love with my husband. I'm wondering if you've both worked through the Emotional Needs Questionnaire yet.

Sex addiction has nothing to do with sex. You husband will not act out because you aren't having relations wit him. If he relapses, he will do so because his urge to get high overrides everything, including all the recovery work he's done up until this point.

You can't control/influence/remove your husband's addictive urges by changing your behavior.

There are some acts that I don't as often any more, because my husband broke my trust. He understands that's a consequence of his addiction.

FWIW, in my case, and other's, the 18 month mark seems to be a very hard spot for couples recovery of SA. Don't know why it is. By the 2 year mark, things usually even out.

In the mean time, be sure to work on your healing and have your boundaries all firm, so should this happen again, you can just go to your list and follow through. (SA tends to have an extremely high relapse rate.)

navewife, here is the problem highlighted in red. The issue is that you have not restored the romantic love in your marriage. As a result, you still feel an aversion to him. As long as you are not emotionally attached to him, you won't feel like being intimate with him.

You really, really need to use this program to restore the romantic love in your marriage. If you don't do that, then you have what you have right now, a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage. And you are right, you are more vulnerable to a repeat affair than you were before.

The solution is to use the program, starting with implementing 20 hours of UA time, meeting these top 4 emotional needs: affection, conversation, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment. The more successful he is at meeting your needs, the more you will feel like meeting his needs.

Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair?

Also, I don't think your situation is complicated at all. The solution is the same: affair proof the marriage and create a romantic relationship. I am hoping that your H has changed his life in a way that he can't continue to carry on affairs.

If you can afford the online program or phone counseling with the Harleys, that would be ideal. If you can't swing that, I would get the book, SAA and Lovebusters along with the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. Follow the programs in SAA and LB's. \

Start immediately scheduling UA time. Pull the worksheet out of the back of the workbook and make several copies. Sit down and schedule time for every week. Set the times, plan activities and stick to your plan. Line up babysitters so you can go out and do something fun without your kids or friends at a time of the day when you both have the most energy.

The UA time will get you the biggest bang for your buck, the FASTEST. You will see your feelings for your H start to change in a matter of weeks.

navewife, I am so glad to see you back.

How on board is your husband with recovery? If you bring to him a plan like MelodyLane is suggesting and saying "In order for us to recover our marriage, I need us to go through a program of recovery like this?" what do you think he will say?

Navewife!

It's a simple math equation. Love Bank Deposits - Lovebusters = Feelings of Romantic Love


Follow Mel's advice about the UA and calculated love deposits. Feelings will follow the actions.

My husband is doing well with his recovery. He does anything I ask with absolutly NO hesitation, when it comes to anything having to do with us, or our marriage. He completly understands the consequences of his actions, and while not happy about some of the outcomes, he is very patient. My mom died suddenly in april, and he has really been my rock, I have been on the brink of a nervouse breakdown for a while now, but he has remained totally transparent and reliable through it all. He has involved himself in church more, and the husband and dad that he has become, well I just couldn't ask for better. That's where paranoid thoughts really start to get to me. -m so afraid to trust in this change. I know I can't keep taking steps back, I should keep moving fwd so that we as a couple can, but just when I try to push the past back, it creeps up, and the "what ifs" take over. I am much less intament, sometimes I can be down right mean and condesending toward him (lovebusting) . Maybe I am sabatoging, its unitentional, but I just don't know how to change my emotion driven behavior. any suggestions on that. Like I said he is definately walking the walk, above and beyond, I think I may be the problem now, and I'm not sure if and how to overcome my emotions.

Hi navewife,

I felt that way as well when my husband finally got on board, it was just hard to believe in I guess, I had no reason to doubt but I just had the feeling being hurt again.
I am sorry about your mom, I know it's tough I lost mine too, someone said to me then to give myself lots of time, that great women are hard to give up.........
I have done the sabatoging myself and being mean at times as well, just apologize right away and get yourself back on track, I always try to remember how grateful I am every day, when I think of the alternative our lives could have taken I thank God and my husband for the second chance we now have....
I think it is normal, my emotions were all over the place at first too........
Come here and vent not to your husband..............got it.......
jessi
no more what if's just positive grateful thoughts.........

You're not the problem. Recovering from what he did to you is the problem.

Having said that, there is much that rests with you as far as how you deal with the ongoing damage he has caused. You have to go through this initial process, the grieving, the deep sorrow over what you have lost.

There comes a point where you need to decide that your trauma no longer defines you. You will know when it's time, or if it's too soon.

Whenever you decide that, it's time to go to war in your mind. God will help you with that; He specialized in mind warfare. Songs and Scripture can be your weapons. Every time you have a negative thought, even about real things that happened, deliberately replace that with a good thought or verse of the Bible. Have your good thought ready to go ahead of time so you're not there thinking, um, um, um, what kind of good thought can I come up with? Pick it when you don't need it, so you're ready when you do.

Do that enough times, and your brain will be retrained.

While this personal battle is going on inside your head, do not neglect the UA/love depositing program that has been recommended for you. When you combine thought substitution with quality, love-building experiences with your FWH, you will see an amazing difference in your whole state of being.

Nave, creating a romantic relationship in your marriage will eventually replace those bad feelings you have. If there is not a plan in place to do that, you will end up with a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage. Are you and your H following this plan?

Thanks, I agree I think possitive reinforcement and my faith in god will pull me through, just gets hard to see it sometimes, when my emotions start to flood. I never told my mom what happend, and now that she is gone, I am also dealing with those feelings as well. Thanks for reminding me of the powere od possitive!