OW was not really my best friend but she was someone who I believed was my friend. Our families spent a lot of time together (almost every day) and our kids were best friends. I feel like she used my kids to get in with my DH and he let her.

He let her come into my home and stand by his side while they both looked me in the eye and deceived me. They gas lighted me big time! I knew in my gut something didn't seem right but they were so good at the deception. I started to believe myself that I was just a crazy jealous wife.

How have I coped? Still trying to get past how someone can present themselves as your friend while knowingly stabbing you in the back and destroying your family (and that's what my DH was also doing to OW husband).

What kind of person does that? It still haunts me and it has been almost 3 years.

Despite that... DH and I are in a good place now. We try to follow the MB principles here and so far it is working well. I don't want my kids to come from a broken home...so I am hanging in there and doing my best to have a strong M.

Moving was the best thing we did. AEK1, get rid of those triggers that you can control. Get out of OW circle. That was your old life. Time to make a new life with new memories.

It gets better ... it takes time... a lot of time.

Best.

He does not miss her anymore. He thinks she is a loser thank goodness.

Gosh it sounds so similar me....

Sorry to T/J but thanks pokerface............my situation also similar, ex closest friend just friends, PA etc etc and went on for a lonf time.

It helps just knowing someone else has walked this path too.

Maybe we can start a special club, women betrayed by women!!

My WH does still have strong feelings for Ginge but does also accept that she was poison to our marriage, which in turn allows him to still feel entitled and poor me.

Still we are both working at it!

How do you cope with him still having feelings??

Hi AEK, sorry for the delay.

I have been thinking about that question all morning.

The best I can come up with is that I cope by thinking of it as a relationship, which clearly as it lasted 6 years, it was, it's not like it was a ONS!!

That relationship is now over to all intents and purposes. I am 99% sure there is no contact.

I have people in my life who I don't have a relationship with any more, but it doesn't stop me thinking fondly of them or remembering good times we had as well as bad times.

I have friends who have died who I still care for.

Yes I know that Ginge was different but the quality of the relationship, was what it was. Me not liking it, doesn't change it.

So he has times when he misses her, when it's her birthday, when it's Xmas and he used to take them both to a show, when it's her daughters birthday and he cant even send a card. For me it would make him less human if he didn't feel like that at times.

So I call on my generosity of spirit, acknowledge that he is a good guy under all the other stuff, hug him and say he can talk to me if he wants.

I guess it's about changing what you can, accepting what you can't and developing the smarts to tell the difference!!

Yes I get angry at times, yes I get down and lost and the rollercoaster is a challenge, but I do love him, love my life and there are all sorts of things I don't like but can't change, it doesn't mean it's a reason to beat myself up or him.

Some things just are. Fighting them is a bit of a waste of energy so I practice noticing it and letting it go , a bit like I do withthe triggers. I also remember that she was my friend too for a long time, we worked together, and I remember what I liked about her, how much fun she was and that helps me understand better without the filter of the affair.

Hope that kinda helps

Blessings

Tanam,

That's why it is so hard to comprehend... because DH is a good guy and always was. I understand the boundary and EN thing but what about the moral compass thing?

I try not to think about that because I don't think I will ever get it.

Thanks for that Tanam.

Yes I think for a long time my overriding sadness was the hardest thing. I really have really never been angry, just sad that these two people who I cared for who, I thought cared for me, could behave in such a way.

She even described it to me once as an addiction.

Just that moral compass thing, neither set out to hurt me, that was a by product.

If you were so close to her, don't you miss her too?

yes honey, I did for a long time, but over the years.....she just got nastier and nastier. So now.....no but I do remember some of the fun we had and some of the good work we did together.

But it's gone now and so has much of the bitterness.

Thats the real problem when the affair is so close to home.....so many ripples in the pond, other stuff gets lost too.

The double betrayal is hard.

But you find you and you get strong hun, keep posting, I follow!!

Blessings

The ripples are enormous. Friends who have chosen sides, reduced social life, moving school and job.... The list goes on and on. I miss her sometimes and winder what she is doing but then I have to remind myself what she dud and how she did it. Then I think well my h did that too; why forgive him such behaviour???? Surely he is lying evil man who has ruined our life.

Yes, gradually you will begin to blame your H more for it all which is only right. Forgiveness is very much linked to 'just compensation' when you are in love with him again the pain will fade and you won't always feel like this. But it takes plenty of time.

AEK!,

I understand how your are feeling. I have been there ...for a few years.

Yes, H was a lying evil man... but he is not like that now. He has changed, been remorseful, and taken the steps to protect his M and family.

The OW has NOT done this. That is the difference.

Just compensation.

Hang in there.

AEK,

Yes I know, they managed to destroy so much with their sordid little affairs.

More than just you hurt, in my case there is a 7 year old little girl who my WH adored and who adored him. He can't even send her a birthday card, it upsets him, me and I am sure she doesn't understand why Monkey has not even sent a card to her. (Monkey was her name for him)

Yes he was a spineless wimp, not sure I ever saw him as evil, just selfish and spineless.

She on the other hand set out to get my life. She nearly got it, but he decided he knew where his bread was buttered and eventually kicked her to the curb.

Currently, he's trying very hard, still areas he needs to work on, still areas I need to work on, I don't feel in love with him, but I do love him. Other stuff will come.

One of my saddest things was loosing her as a friend, but really, do I need friends that badly that I would want someone who could do that to me to be a friend?

It was when I realised I didn't need to be married that badly either that things round here really started to change.

Then he realised that she was more trouble than she was worth.

Like BK said, it takes time, lots of time and patience and looking after you and making sure your side of the fence is clean. Look at the stuff that went wrong before skanky, fix your stuff.

Breathe and love yourself, listen to the vets, other things will follow.

Blessings

Tanam and AEK,

I have been following this board for a long time and I have just now seen your stories. I feel like I am reading my own. My BFF at the time my marriage fell apart about a year ago has now become the OW. I am so hurt and betrayed by both of them and I am not sure how to let the pain go. I have recently decided to start fighting dirty, since she has been, and reclaim my marriage and my H. I know that they are still sleeping together and according to him, he is only using her for sex and he needs some time to get it out of his system before he can move forward with me. Exposure does no good as everyone already knows and we are separated with divorce paperwork having been filed. Please tell me that I am doing the right thing. I am so tired of having her be an issue and I don't want to hold onto the hate and anger anymore. How do you do it???

Hi Raindancer

It's funny isn't it, when I arrived here I kept being told that all WS were the same, and A's were the same and mine didn't feel like others but.....hang around a while and you will find that there are others with similar stories.

How do I do it:

1. I got myself strong

2. I got myself to a point where I didn't need to be married that badly

3. I decided that I wasn't going to put any more energy into her, and I had for years, all that brooding and hurt. I decided that energy could be better spent.

4. I used a number of techniques, some ritual burning of photos and bits she had given me, I wrote a letter telling her exactly what I thought of her, really let rip, very nasty stuff and then burned that too and sent the ashes off in a local river.

I use visualisation, so every time I flushed the toilet or emptied dirty water down the drain I saw her stupid face.

I also began to understand how destructive to my H she was and saw him in a place he was too weak willed and spineless to get out of.

I did similar to you, not as far as divorce papers but did say I was off. That woke him up!!

It's a long process but I worked on me to get to a point where whatever happens, I will be fine. My boundaries are rock solid and any contact he initiates.....I go.

Get good things in your life, get powerful, wake up the wild woman in you.

My H is trying in his own way, but I know I am a goddess and he is the luckiest man alive.

I don't waste energy on her
I don't waste energy on her

repeat as necessary!!

(My thread is over in Recovery)

Why thank you Pep!!

That means a lot from a vet!!!

Thanks for the reply, Tanam! Thanks for the advice, especially the visualization. That's awesome! I have just this weekend decided that my best plan is an amazing Plan A until October, which is our wedding anniversary, and if things remain as they are move onto Plan B.

We just went on a date this past Saturday and had a great time and he spent the night at the house with me in our bed. It was the first time in almost a year that we felt close again.

He is planning on spending the night with her this coming Friday and I know about it. It kills me, but I am being strong about it and I keep telling myself that she is irrelevant. I am being nice (Plan A). I am going to send some beer to his room (that I know will impede his performace, lol) with a note signed "Love, your wife!" My plan is to make her so uncomfortable and angry that she doesn't want to deal with it anymore! Who knows if it will work, but I know that I'm not letting her have him without a fight!!!

As for your H, he sounds much like mine! Men can be so dumb sometimes! Don't they know that we are amazing????

October is much, much, much too long. As many months as this has already been going on, I think you should wrap this up by the end of July.

Your mental health is more important than a marathon Plan A to make a certain goal. Make it good, and get it done. Plan B awaits you.