His wife has not mentioned anything to me; I just feel it is not right and wouldn't like it if it were my husband. I have gone no contact. Def wouldn't ruin someone else's life.

Smart girl. Bullet dodged. Well done.

Struggling today. Met up with friend who saw OW in early days. She told me that OW was saying that it was me that was always arranging things for our families to do, that I was always nasty to her and that it was me always speaking work with her husband; she said this drover her and my H together. What utter rubbish. Why does she lie? She is still trying to discredit me and shift some of the blame. The sadness is I don't know who she has said this to and I have no idea who believes her. It made me angry which meant I took it out on my husband. It made me want revenge. I made me wonder what I could do to discredit her. Now I had to rebuild with my H as we have taken several steps back. He is trying so hard, really he is. But I lost it and I am not doing well at meeting his needs. It's not that I dont want it to work but it's hard so hard to get what he did out of my head. Does he deserve me? He ruined my life. Destroyed everything. May be I would be better alone?

Geez, what kind of friend repeats mindless stupid drivel of any sort back to someone? Much less the garbage spoken from the mouth of a scorned skanky woman? Didn't your friend remember her lessons from childhood cartoons? For example: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!

If someone starts to say something to you about the woman who helped your H almost destroy your life, put your hand up and stop them immediately. Say that you don't want to hear anything about her. Eventually people will get the point.

Don't try and discredit her. That will just make you look bad. If you have "friends" who still think well of her in spite of her adultery with your husband, they aren't friends, and who the bl**dy h7ll cares about them.

Weren't you and your family going to be moving away?

We haved moved away from the school and we will eventually move but it's not practical right now. I know you are all right though. We have been invited to old friends tomorrow who are still friends with ow and her h. Dreading it but see it as a closure BBQ. There will be no contact after that.

I advise your family not to go. You don't need closure with people who are friends of adultery; you need NC.

As friends of adultery, they will take no care to help your husband avoid triggers, mention of OW, etc. It's not a risk I would be willing to take.

AEK1,

These questions are all normal. The triggers are certainly NOT helping you to get over this hurdle.

I honestly did not stop asking myself this until fairly recently. I think reading the other threads here has helped me to put things in perspective. I think I am lucky DH became willing to face his issues and do the work to redeem himself and to protect his family from further harm. I think I now feel safer with DH than I would with someone brand new. Who knows what that would bring?

Why do you keep the "friends" who do not make you feel good. Really, would a true friend keep twisting that knife in your back? Why tell you that?

I think you will come away from that BBQ feeling much like you are feeling now after seeing that other "friend". Maybe this will finally drive the nail home and get you to realize how toxic these relationships are to you.

Surround yourself with people that make you feel good.

Wow, did I really just say that? I love MB. I don't think I could have gotten to this point without finding this place.

Aek1, learn to turn TOWARD your H when you start to have the down moments. Let him fill your need.

AEK1,


Like Pokerface, I asked the same questions hundreds of times too.

No my WH doesn't deserve me, what he did was appalling, 5 years telling me they were just friends, lying and cheating, creating a mess of unbelievable proportions.

So no he doesn't deserve me, he is very lucky he isn't living with Ginge and her own particular madness.

And he knows it, he doesn't say much but he knows.

He didn't destroy my life, I wouldn't allow that but he did radically change it. I don't think I would be anything like the woman I am today without the kick in the pants it gave me.

I would be fine on my own and my boundaries are rock solid any contact he makes then I go, and I know I will be fine.

But.....

I also know that we can be good, are often good and getting better and better.

So I stay, I decided not to make a decision for 12 months.

Give it some time, cut both of you some slack, use your UA time to create some good memories and fun times.

You can't change the past, only the future

Blesisngs

Ow has asked to meet for the sake of the kids. I have drafted a response; thoughts please!

It's not a good idea to meet. I cannot let you back in my life after you tried to destroy it. Your approach was too pre meditated and that scares me. Things from our meeting would be distorted as they already have been.

I am still being told from various Oakwood people that you lied to them about me so much; saying I was horrid and rude to you, harassed you, dominated Keith and forced you two together and that I always arranged for us to get together.

You know this is wrong.

I was always kind, I always defended you when people were you nasty about you, I never harassed however heartbroken I was and as for arranging all the gatherings.......that was you.... You would turn up at least twice a week (on the pretence about talking about FOO) and even invite yourself for breakfast some weekends.... I still have some of the messages! I certainly didn't book and pay for your hotel... You did. The affair happened because you wanted it to. Fact.

Even if what I am told is false it's still hurtful to think you are lying about me to make you look better. Enough damage has been done. It's sad you are hiding behind these lies.

I think we should have a clean break. I am sure the children will see each other at times and we will too... We will just have to be grown up.�

I have copied this to Anna so that she is aware if the communication and cannot misinterpret it. You have been rather clever not lying to Anna as I don't think she'd believe it. There are others however you have seen right through you.�

Such a great shame.

Don't listen to me, but I don't think you need to explain or justify yourself. How about a cute little 'Thank You' note and with a red big marker put 'NO' in front of it. Polite and to the point.

Let them spin in circles and get dizzy, you, to the general public, are leading a wonderful life, they need to know NOTHING of your anguish. Let them envy you! It will destroy them that you are happy. Then come here and cry on our shoulders, we'll keep your secret safe and dry your tears!

AEK1,

I totally agree with MFJ1974. Matter of fact, I don't even think I would respond. No contact means no contact for life. That skank didn't care about your kids when she was doing their father.

But if you and your FWH feel a need to respond, just a simple "No, thanks" will suffice. No explanations necessary.

For some reason I have never asked my h when his first slept with the OW. This is now bugging me.... Should I ask? Or will this set us back? I guess it doesn't matter but it's getting to me hence I'm posting to my Helpers at MB!

When I found out about my FWH affair, I wanted to know those kinds of details, too. I sensed the difference in him, and getting those answers helped me confirm it. I wanted to know exactly what I was dealing with. I think it's a worthwhile question.]

I don't know that not asking versus asking helps set the recovery back or not. I only know that for me, it was important, and recovery is a tough road in any case.

I think that you need the details you need.

For me, I had enough of the mind movies and enough information that spoiled other memories, I really didn't need more.

But if it is bugging you, then maybe make a note in a notebook, along with other questions that pop up.

Make some time in advance, maybe 2 weeks, tell WH you want to talk and then if the questions are still bugging you you can ask for the answers in a calm way without AO's and tears (never attractive!!)

It doesn't matter why you need the answers, you just do.

Blessings

AEK1,

THIS IS ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS !!!!!!!!


My blood is starting to boil. This is just another lame ploy to once again make herself (OW) look good and to paint you as the bad guy. "I tried to reach out but they turned me down." Just for the record my DH OW did the same exact thing.

She has just opened the door for your H to write that NC letter. Write a really good one. Post it here for feedback.
Send it.

AEK1,

Your kids will make new friends at their new school. They will end up being so very much happier not having to face these people anymore.

They must be a huge trigger for your kids. Get them out of the drama.

FWIW, I also sent my own letter (similar to yours) to OW. I didn't get any satisfaction from her - but it gave ME satisfaction. Inside she knew it was the truth. After I sent my letter, I have ignored anything and everything from her. I no longer let her take up any more time in my life. She does not exist to me.


The important thing here is NC letter from your H.



As for the details about the A. Your H should answer all your questions. Once you have everything you need to know ... you don't bring it up anymore.

Don't blame your H for the vindictive ways of the OW. He sounds like he is really trying.

Don't meet her. Don't send a long, self-justifying response.

If no NC letter has been sent, I agree, this is the time. If a letter has been sent, completely ignore her and close the door she used to send this message.

Get serious about blocking all avenues she might use to communicate. If you have not already done so, change phone numbers, email addresses, etc. If you're on social networking sites, you will need to set your privacy to maximum, and possibly leave altogether if you have mutual friends who might pull information into your news stream (even by accident).

Neglect of the details can set you up for a bunch of unavoidable pain, perhaps even a FR. Get them taken care of and save yourself the heartache.

A nc letter was never sent. It was too late by the time I found MB.

So send the nite/email or don't send the email????

It's a factual email that hopefully will make her feel bad but I dont want her to twist hence my suggestion to send to our close mutual friend....