when she's ready ( and the affair is dead and gone) then we can get down to serious business

She can and has(by hooking up with this guy again)interpret this as free reign to continue cheating knowing that when she is done you will take her back!

Quote

She can see the kids every other weekend, but I will not be present.

Time to avail yourself of the services of an attorney. Find out what you can and can't do, and if advisable to seek a legal separation. Don't delay, your WW can walk in the door at any time, take the kids and leave and there's not a thing you can do to stop it without a legal separation specifying custody.

Even though I feel she's not in the current affair, it wouldn't surprise me that since she's still in a state of withdrawal that she is waiting for the OM to reconsider and come back to her which is possible since the OM's wife is holding on by just a thread and is leaning towards divorce. I feel if this is the case that I'm being manipulated and lead on again. She gave me a nice gift on father's day and made a point to be affectionate towards me just before leaving for her cousin's. But since she's been gone she does not contact me in any way. I know I need to start working on my self-esteem because my WW crushed it last year and sent me spiraling into a depression after 4-5 weeks of denying the affair and me going crazy. I know the things I need to do, but it's hard getting started and I have few if any close friends. My WW and I were always the closest friends in our marriage before the A.

Plan B letter?

Sounds similar to me in some ways. My self-esteem and personal courage have been destroyed. I occasionaly wonder if she is waiting for him to come back (or if he is there in the shadows already). The only reason I tell you this, is to let you know you are not alone.

It's been a week since I've been on here. Wife on July 3 sent me an email saying she is extending her stay an additional 4 weeks. Will return at the end of July. She sends an email every other day or so sending links to funny videos (trying to be friends?), asking for recipes (I'm the chef), and requesting video chats with the kids and me. Nothing of substance. Just chit chat. She did tell me to look at her photos online from a no-pants bike ride. Basically, it was everyone riding around in their underwear and panties. She asked that I look at it more than once in our conversation. Initially, it did piss me off and make me jealous. Was she trying to make me jealous?? Our last one this past Sunday she looked terrible and tired. The kids told her they missed her and wanted her back. I just kept my composure and appeared that I was feeling awesome. I have been enabling way too much for way too long. I've been in a version of Plan A for way too long (about 9 months) and now people are telling me I need to move on with my life and divorce her. This has destroyed my self-esteem. I know I need to strengthen my self-esteem, but the thought of divorce is scary even at the same time I need my sanity and happiness back. I know many here would say Plan B. She's been gone for 2 months from me. I have not sent her any emails, only responded. Should I stop responding with the exception of allowing her to chat with the kids? Oh! And I have been in contact with the OM 's wife. We talk a few times a week and she told me her husband has been trying very hard to win her back. He also told her that my wife contacted him back in early June and late June from an unknown number (she has a new phone so he must not have known) and was accusing him of hacking her email. He said it was an uncomfortable conversation and wanted to hang up. He didn't have to mention this, but he did. I know my wife is not over him. She still listens to songs online (this I can monitor) about love lost. I don't think it's about me. Should I remain patient to let her get through this fog and death of the affair? Should I be doing anything different than I am now? I need help please.

Lonestardad - I haven't read all of your thread, but it sounds to me like you need to get a plan B letter ready to go, because of the amount of time involved. This has probably wore you out - it would anyone. You also need to at least start a separation agreement of some kind. You'll want to protect your rights as the primary caregiver of your kids and take care of anything else financial, etc.

My self-esteem is in the pits and I've only been at this for about seven months. Like you, I don't WANT a divorce, but at some point there's no alternative to at least filing for one. My WW is stubborn and has a lot of pride just like yours - trust me, taking concrete steps will get her attention. I believe you'll start feeling a little better when you start taking active steps.

Thanks Andy. Not sure how to handle a separation agreement. Is that done as a do it yourself? I know Texas has no separation guidelines.

Lonestardad,

Haven't been on this site much, too much work this last month. Been here a long time and I think there are some things you really need to consider and address.

First, you need to go to plan B before you run out of love for your W. If you run out of love, there is little chance for the marriage to recover. Oddly, it is the BS that has to do the heavy lifting during recovery and it is very difficult,but more so if you don't love your W.

Second your W is still in her affair and plan B protects you from that and the pain she can and will inflict until she gets out of here affair.

Please understand plan B is about protecting YOU! It is not about forcing the WS to do anything. You must preserve the love you have left OR you might as well file right now. Your plan B letter should reflect this thinking and you are being very foolish not to have responded to Pep and let her and others see your first attempt at writing this letter.

The reason the folks here need to see it is simple. Rarely does a BS truly comprehend the purpose of plan B and therefore the letter is rarely what it should be.

You said I understand your feelings but you are looking at this all wrong.

You are the one taking care of the family. You are the one fighting for the family unit. You are the one that has been faithful his vows. You are the one that is bringing stability to your kids. You are the one doing all of this while under great duress.

You should be proud of what you have done and are doing. You should now realize that you don't need your W to take care of the kids, cook for them, guide them, nurture them, and rear them. You should by now understand that you need to protect yourself and your family.

It is time for a perspective change young man. Go see a lawyer and find out what you can and cannot do. I seem to recall that Texas does not have legal separation, so you may have to file for divorce to protect your assests and your children from their mother taking them. Look into it.

BE PREPARED!

STrongly consider plan B and make the appropriate preparations. It is probably time to be out of plan A, especially if you are losing your love for your W.

In short Lonestardad, it is time to "cowboy up" and realize you have great value to your children, you have great value to yourself, and that have shown that you are a very tough man that has handled great pain and kept on going.

Reread about plan A and plan B, and prepare yourself for the worst, hope for the best and play it down the middle.

You can do this and the folks here will help you...GET A PLAN.

God Bless,

JL

I went to see our counselor yesterday because I have been feeling so confused and overwhelmed with so many different suggestions or advice from friends, family, this website and another infidelity message board. Hearing things like: divorce her, she disrespects you, you have no self-esteem, she's depressed and getting over an addiction, she can't help the marriage until she helps pull herself out of the severe depression. I do believe she used the affair to medicate her affair, but that's no excuse. But I know what how an addict perceives things or behaves and she's almost like this to a T.

Anyways, my counselor thought divorce was a bit extreme and she thought Plan B was a possibility. But I told her what I had been feeling these last 6 weeks while she has been away and she encouraged me that I should communicate this to my wife (wanting her back home to work on the marriage, be a wife and mother). She said I was not weak by any means. The things I have done comes from love and caring. She explained this whole affair as a process and that it will take time. She said it's been one year since D-day and it's possible it will take another year before the marriage is on track and getting strong again.

So that night I told my wife I wanted to video chat with her and told her all my feelings. She said she really was glad I spoke with her because she is frustrated with not knowing how I really feel about things. She said she would like to continue these chats if I want to.

(I always kept my feelings in the middle or positive. Never negative and the counselor believes all her guilt is expecting me to show her my side of utter disgust and disappointment. The counselor feels that she is avoiding me because of how much guilt she feels and that she's treated this loving person so badly over the last year that she can't come to grips with even facing me.

My wife did mention before leaving that I can contact her and not to hold back. But I have because I want her to miss me and reach out to me so I know she wants to work on the marriage.

Anyways, she said I have been a great father and that I need to continue focusing on myself and doing what I feel is the best thing to do. I believe she's still in this depressed or guilt-ridden state after speaking with her. She spends most of her time with her cousin hanging out, sleeping, and taking photos by the lake.

She said she is not seeing anyone and I know my cousin wouldn't put up with that **** if she was. But I know one of her biggest needs is conversation and admiration. With the OM history right now, is it possible that me coming in to meet her needs will be more effective? I tried it during the affair with mixed to crappy results and now I know why.

Anyways, I wanted you guys to know what has happened and feel free to give me your thoughts. I am trying the best I can to be balanced with this whole thing and not do anything rash or stupid.

A recipe for confusion = shop opinions everywhere.

Do you have your Plan B letter?