Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Ds is going to be in a little rock jam session this weekend at a local restaurant. Dh and I will be there....my parents....maybe some other friends.....of course WxH will be there too. Maybe his brother will come.

Praying like crazy he will not bring OW. He hasn't had her around ds for months now....so hopefully he won't ruin this for ds.

This is the first thing we've had to be at together. Homeschooling really cuts down on those kind of interactions I think...well, not that XH would be involved in stuff anyway.

Anyway, I'm nervous!!

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
SW, are you in Plan B? If you are, the way I'd handle this would be to make sure that I am somewhere else when WS is around. By that, I mean in a different part of the room/hall/arena/restaurant.

Since you're going with DH, make him your ally. Ask him that if WxH is nearby, to gently take your arm, get your attention, and start talking. And walking. Away from WxH.

There is no reason that you (or I) should have any need or reason to be within ten feet of our WS. That they are in the same room may be unavoidable, but you don't have to subject yourself to their presence.

On Memorial Day I went to a picnic. The Leopard appeared with her DS in tow. For the entire time she was there, I made sure I was aware of where she was -- so I wouldn't be. Someone finally told me she had left -- I never even saw her leave.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
I'll tell you what Dr. Harley told someone to say if her WH came up to her at a milestone event like this

"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't sit with us"

Be polite but concise and not chatty.

And.......he might not even come near you as a bonus point.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
SW, are you in Plan B? If you are, the way I'd handle this would be to make sure that I am somewhere else when WS is around. By that, I mean in a different part of the room/hall/arena/restaurant.

Since you're going with DH, make him your ally. Ask him that if WxH is nearby, to gently take your arm, get your attention, and start talking. And walking. Away from WxH.

There is no reason that you (or I) should have any need or reason to be within ten feet of our WS. That they are in the same room may be unavoidable, but you don't have to subject yourself to their presence.

On Memorial Day I went to a picnic. The Leopard appeared with her DS in tow. For the entire time she was there, I made sure I was aware of where she was -- so I wouldn't be. Someone finally told me she had left -- I never even saw her leave.

I am not in Plan B Fred. We have civil conversations about ds. In fact he recently bought ds an expensive keyboard which he is letting him keep at my house. Of course, just when I think he is being decent he goes and tells ds some horrible LIE about me....I was in a texting war with him over it when dh called me and when I told him what was going on he asked me to stop texting. It was VERY difficult but I did stop--mid texting conversation.

The lie he told to ds was a reaction to ds again not wanting to be at XH's house. Ds hates going. XH just about can't deal with the constant rejection and lashed out at ds the other night....ds responded to XH that he (XH) had caused it all by his affair. That is when XH says, 'oh yeah, well your momma!' Basically, seriously that is what he said. So I had to deal with the lie when ds got home....after I gave my version (the truth) of the situation XH brought up I told ds that my brother had been present and if he didn't believe me he could call his uncle and get the story from him. He said, 'Oh, I believe you mom.' That was that.

My parents will be at this mini concert this weekend. Maybe more of our friends too....so I think I will feel ok. I told him I am bringing my parents so I don't think he will have the nerve to bring his OW.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by reading
I'll tell you what Dr. Harley told someone to say if her WH came up to her at a milestone event like this

"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't sit with us"

Be polite but concise and not chatty.

And.......he might not even come near you as a bonus point.

I don't think he will try to sit with us. It will be on the patio of a restaurant....so he can just get his own table.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
I am not in Plan B Fred. We have civil conversations about ds. In fact he recently bought ds an expensive keyboard which he is letting him keep at my house. Of course, just when I think he is being decent he goes and tells ds some horrible LIE about me....I was in a texting war with him over it when dh called me and when I told him what was going on he asked me to stop texting. It was VERY difficult but I did stop--mid texting conversation.
Hmmm. Maybe you SHOULD consider Plan B, SW.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
I am not in Plan B Fred. We have civil conversations about ds. In fact he recently bought ds an expensive keyboard which he is letting him keep at my house. Of course, just when I think he is being decent he goes and tells ds some horrible LIE about me....I was in a texting war with him over it when dh called me and when I told him what was going on he asked me to stop texting. It was VERY difficult but I did stop--mid texting conversation.
Hmmm. Maybe you SHOULD consider Plan B, SW.

I keep our contact to very minimal. He texted me the other day to ask if ds had received the ITouch 4 that XH put money toward. I handed my phone to ds and said, 'answer your dad. Be sure to tell him it is you speaking.'

When I drop ds off there is rarely need to even make eye contact with XH. When he drops him off he has FINALLY (mostly) stopped coming to the door.

Everytime I try to have a conversation with him about anything I regret it. So I do keep it to a minimum. DH wants this for me as well.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
I am not in Plan B Fred. We have civil conversations about ds. In fact he recently bought ds an expensive keyboard which he is letting him keep at my house. Of course, just when I think he is being decent he goes and tells ds some horrible LIE about me....I was in a texting war with him over it when dh called me and when I told him what was going on he asked me to stop texting. It was VERY difficult but I did stop--mid texting conversation.
Hmmm. Maybe you SHOULD consider Plan B, SW.

The Lie he is telling ds is that he found me in bed with another man. The Truth I was asleep in my own bed at about 1:00 a.m. XH and my brother and 2 other men were outside on the patio. The 21 year old 'man' came into to use the restroom. My brother told XH, 'he has been gone long enough don't you think?' XH went looking for him and found him in bed with me--naked. I was 80% asleep but aware that hands were on me---naturally I thought it was my husband! I opened my eyes and saw my husband standing in the door way! I sat up and said, '(XH's name)?' The kid bailed out of my bed and all hell broke loose. It was horrible.

Suffice to say I was almost RAPED in my own bed. So to tell my 11 year old son I was in BED with another man...well, just shows that XH has no character.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
I keep our contact to very minimal. He texted me the other day to ask if ds had received the ITouch 4 that XH put money toward. I handed my phone to ds and said, 'answer your dad. Be sure to tell him it is you speaking.'

When I drop ds off there is rarely need to even make eye contact with XH. When he drops him off he has FINALLY (mostly) stopped coming to the door.

Everytime I try to have a conversation with him about anything I regret it. So I do keep it to a minimum. DH wants this for me as well.
As long as YOU set the boundaries, and you're comfortable with them...


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
The Lie he is telling ds is that he found me in bed with another man. The Truth I was asleep in my own bed at about 1:00 a.m. XH and my brother and 2 other men were outside on the patio. The 21 year old 'man' came into to use the restroom. My brother told XH, 'he has been gone long enough don't you think?' XH went looking for him and found him in bed with me--naked. I was 80% asleep but aware that hands were on me---naturally I thought it was my husband! I opened my eyes and saw my husband standing in the door way! I sat up and said, '(XH's name)?' The kid bailed out of my bed and all hell broke loose. It was horrible.

Suffice to say I was almost RAPED in my own bed. So to tell my 11 year old son I was in BED with another man...well, just shows that XH has no character.
Ugh.

A horrible situation made worse. Your WxH sounds like a real prize!

But understand that your son is old enough to know the truth. In fact, I'd be willing to be that kids that age are far better able to see through deception than many adults. What's key is for you to be honest and forthright with him. He'll know which end is up!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 233
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 233
I agree Fred, the kids HAVE to be told. I'm wishing now I'd of done that even if it was the wrong way, I never would have made it out to be as bad as my stbx has it for me. I could string out a whole line of words just fitting for him, but will refrain. The question becomes....if the stbx gets to them first and floats their eyeballs full of lies, and they refuse to believe you OR talk to you about ANYTHING, including the weather, what do you do?

Heck, if she would talk to me, I MIGHT figure out what I did. Or did not do most likely.

Be the bigger person, and hope they see it at some point before you die of old age? Or younger, like my dad did before I got a chance to know him after mom's foul mouth ran?

My stbxh is making mom look like a saint. frown

SW, that's absolutely HORRID what your XH did. Just ewww. I can only imagine what your son must of thought, hopefully he's figured it out.


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by No_Stress_Zone
I agree Fred, the kids HAVE to be told. I'm wishing now I'd of done that even if it was the wrong way, I never would have made it out to be as bad as my stbx has it for me. I could string out a whole line of words just fitting for him, but will refrain. The question becomes....if the stbx gets to them first and floats their eyeballs full of lies, and they refuse to believe you OR talk to you about ANYTHING, including the weather, what do you do?

Heck, if she would talk to me, I MIGHT figure out what I did. Or did not do most likely.

Be the bigger person, and hope they see it at some point before you die of old age? Or younger, like my dad did before I got a chance to know him after mom's foul mouth ran?

My stbxh is making mom look like a saint. frown

SW, that's absolutely HORRID what your XH did. Just ewww. I can only imagine what your son must of thought, hopefully he's figured it out.

The two pieces of advice I received from MB over the years that have proved the most helpful:

1) Install a keylogger on my husband's computer
2) Tell our ds (then 9) the TRUTH before WH could get to him.

The keylogger was an instant lottery of info.

Telling ds the TRUTH has made him trust me even more than he did before.

As far as the concert last night...ugh....XH walked in shortly after we got there....we took the last table for 4 and saved two of the seats for my parents....XH kept walking around like he wanted us to offer him a seat! DH and I were like 'huh? Are we reading this right?' Anyway, XH went inside while we were waiting for it to start....then just before it started and before my parents arrived XH comes back out and a waitress sets him up a table RIGHT NEXT to ours. Unbelievable. He was right on top of us. DH was between us. We may as well been at the same table.

It was very very crowded though and nothing we could do. XH Chitchatted some with dh and me and a bit when my parents showed up...

Ds seemed ok, but later as I was putting him to bed and said he had been very upset...I asked why and he said he didn't want his dad there....;(

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 233
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 233
It's a shame your son feels that way, but I can understand why he does.

It's also interesting that my daughter felt the same about her dad, right up until he filled her full of garbage. Much as I don't want to call my first XH, I need to, and find out if he is willing to go to court if needed or give a disposition on what the conversation he had with my daughter was about. that would be the one where she said she wished he was her father, not her dad...he was more fun, smiled and laughed, and just a great father and grandfather. Scared him, he had to ask our daughter (my older one) what the conversation was all about, but before she could answer, the youngest asked him if he still loved me and would he marry me again if given the chance....ugh. Needless to say, between him and my older daughter, how can that possibly not help.

From that, to the next week thinking her dad is God? No, that is just bulllarky. Especially with her not even speaking to me now.

SW, when I was still living in the house, the keyloggers were things I tried to keep OFF computers lol, never knew I could have put one ON his. Now, no chance at it. which is fine, I'd end up in jail no doubt. Would have then to come to think of it.

Bad enough I'm looking thru all his CC statements again, that I had, just brings back best left behind memories at this point. If not for showing the time frames to prove the emotional abuse/desertion that I filed with, I would just burn them and get on with my life. I just do not want him raising my daughter to think this crap he pulled is a normal and healthy way to live.


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by No_Stress_Zone
It's a shame your son feels that way, but I can understand why he does.

It's also interesting that my daughter felt the same about her dad, right up until he filled her full of garbage. Much as I don't want to call my first XH, I need to, and find out if he is willing to go to court if needed or give a disposition on what the conversation he had with my daughter was about. that would be the one where she said she wished he was her father, not her dad...he was more fun, smiled and laughed, and just a great father and grandfather. Scared him, he had to ask our daughter (my older one) what the conversation was all about, but before she could answer, the youngest asked him if he still loved me and would he marry me again if given the chance....ugh. Needless to say, between him and my older daughter, how can that possibly not help.

From that, to the next week thinking her dad is God? No, that is just bulllarky. Especially with her not even speaking to me now.

SW, when I was still living in the house, the keyloggers were things I tried to keep OFF computers lol, never knew I could have put one ON his. Now, no chance at it. which is fine, I'd end up in jail no doubt. Would have then to come to think of it.

Bad enough I'm looking thru all his CC statements again, that I had, just brings back best left behind memories at this point. If not for showing the time frames to prove the emotional abuse/desertion that I filed with, I would just burn them and get on with my life. I just do not want him raising my daughter to think this crap he pulled is a normal and healthy way to live.

Did you go the route of 'protecting' your dd by not telling her your version (Truth) of events?

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
He is there right now. His dad has been keeping the OW away from him for about 3 months....but tonight ds text me, 'OW is coming over.'

I don't know how to respond to these things....for two reasons---

1)I want to say the 'right' thing to my son. To make things better for him...to make him better able to cope with something he doesn't like. As we were leaving to take him to his dad's he was saying how much he didn't want to go...:( Then OW shows up.

2) I must assume XH will read any and all text I send while ds is with him.

I feel so bad for him. frown I said, 'oh.' Then, 'I love you ds.'

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
A few weeks ago ds went to his dad's and the OW came over. (She has been coming over VERY little for about 4-6 months now.) Without going into a lot of details let's just say she brought with her something that is contrary to the way ds is being raised religiously.

Ds texted me and I walked him through it.....I let a week or more pass before I asked XH about it...he claims he didn't know she was going to do it....I told him it is very disrespectful of OW to pull that on our son. He walked away and wouldn't discuss it further.

Ds is over it....but XH just pulls the noose a little tighter on his relationship with his son everytime something like this happens.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254
Because of that huge and vicious lie (and yes you could sue for that as it is FALSE) I would enter beyond plan B. I also could not carry on a total plan B for infinity, so I entered into my own plan called "Plan F U Darth" where I did 90 percent of plan B, and would only respond with either a text or an email. I told him I was not going to be a part of his life or his affairage.

And I wasn't. There's no medal for being "civil" to a man who is not civil to you. So don't. Just be decent, not to him, but to all in your immediate surroundings. If he is there, do not engage at all. And if it were me, I'd have my lawyer draft him a nastygram about that vicious lie and that you'd have his sorry as* hauled back into court if he spread such vicious and malicious lies anymore.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by peachyisback
Because of that huge and vicious lie (and yes you could sue for that as it is FALSE)

And if it were me, I'd have my lawyer draft him a nastygram about that vicious lie and that you'd have his sorry as* hauled back into court if he spread such vicious and malicious lies anymore.

Wow. I cannot believe I never thought of this. It IS a lie and I have witnesses to the fact that it is a lie. In fact, when discussing this with my brother recently he reminded me that in the aftermath of that incident he (my brother) went with my then husband to this boy's house and threatened to kill him for trying to rape me. So clearly XH believed it was an attempted rape at the time.

I am going to ponder this....my lawyer is highly respected but tends to be low key and non confrontational...a real class act...so not sure if he would think this was a good idea or not. Going to ask my husband about his feelings on it too.

WxH is in this mode the last few weeks of trying to be all nice. He bought ds some expensive shoes and clothes for an upcoming vacation we have planned (dh, ds and myself) to go see my sister and her family. When he brought ds home he brought the stuff to the door and 'showed' it all to me. He also bought my niece (whom he has never met) a small gift for ds to give to her when we go. This pattern is just like his crazy mother who thought she could always buy her way back into our life no matter how viscious she treated us. The best I can do is point out the pattern to my ds.



Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5