Just to clarify, although you express the fact that she must choose between you and OM, and can't have both, you are not willing to be in a M with three people, etc., you don't actually enforce that unless/until Plan B.

Ultimatums are useless on WS's, so be cautious to always frame it as a boundary. She needs to choose, because YOU will not be part of a triangle. YOU will not allow adultery to be a permanent part of your life. YOU will not indefinitely tolerate the abuse of her cheating.

Back in college, my friends and I were ever and always quoting the wisdom from "The Land Before Time".

I can't MAKE you do anything!

Even though you know all this, you still have to monitor your wording so she doesn't have a chance to use it as some kind of ultimatum or excuse. (She may try anyway; just give her as little ammo as possible.)

Since you gave her your source of information, be prepared for her to go farther underground. Her words and actions will be very telling. You'll know when she is actually NC because she will begin to defog.

If you find another source, keep it under wraps till you're very sure the A is dead.

Don't back down one inch. No apology for standing up for your marriage. And make sure you contact everyone in the inner circle of your wifes life - BEFORE she spins a story to them "bugs and I have been split since before I met OM, just didn't want to tell you"

No apology, confidence, leadership.

You're on the right road.

The accusations are piling in....especially that I have represented her as a whore to our family by telling them about the A.

She is at least still talking to me! I've supposedly thrown her under the bus with her family. Grrrrr.....I hate this. No going back now though!

Is it just me? I get the feeling that my WS thinks she is the only one that is going through pain because of what is happening. We had major chat today after I revealed to her that I had exposed her A to her parents and my parents. I worked very hard not to be mean or hurtful in all of my responses to her. I tried to talk to her lovingly, and speak mostly about rebuilding our relationship. Most of what she said to me I was anticipating thanks to y'all who have opened my eyes to what I need to do. I realize today is not the end but rather the beginning. Now that she feels I have completely broken her, I have an even bigger responsibility to build her up. There are still things we are going to have to work out - and to be honest I'm still not sure that there is enough to save our relationship - but I'm moving forward as if we are looking forward to a happy future together!
It isn't going to be easy, and I'm sure we will have setbacks...continue to lift me up in prayer!

Nothing we didn't all go through. Don't you back down one inch. Finish plan A strong, and when Mel gives you the post about what it will take for you to stay in this marriage follow every word. If she hasn't already.

Stay strong.

She probably has, but doesn't mean I don't need to hear it again!

Bottom line, you are the prize. If she wants to be married, she needs to come to the table.

I will try to find her post.

Here you go!!



You did just great!! Good job!! Just go about your life business as usual. Don't let her fury interrupt you.

Let her wind down for a couple of days, then set her down and have a little CHAT with her. Let her know that you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness if she does certain things. You will not stay in a loveless marriage. What it will take to interest you in staying with this marriage is:

1. complete no contact for life with loserOM

2. affair proofing the marriage

3. committment to a plan of marital recovery

This next step is very important because if you don't recover the marriage you will have a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage that will likely lead to an affair and ultimately divorce. Just busting up the affair [and you did great, soldier!!] is the first step. Now the hard part starts!

And tell her you won't be leaving and that if she wants to leave she is free to go, but she cannot take your child without a court order. You will expect her to pay child support if she leaves tooere you GO!

Ok....I needed this before she called me tonight. She thinks I totally disrespected her by telling her parents - that she can never recover from this. I tried to show her that her A disrespected me, (tried to do in a loving way, but not sure I was successful). She is stressed out understandably and angry. Thinks that I need to stop reading books on how to survive an A and let her deal with this when she is ready to.
I'm not sure our relationship will survive this, but I don't feel scared anymore....just sad that whenever I showed her how she hurt me she accuses me of trying to place ALL the blame on her.
I have plenty of faults, but pointed out that I was not the one who had the A. That was her. I need some serious sleep!

Thats great, BugBunny!! You are doing good.

I haven't read your whole thread, but if there is anyone else who doesn't know about the affair, I would expose to them now and encourage them to speak to your wife about it. The more people who know the better. It should be done at the same time so you get your moneys worth out of her anger. If she is going to be angry, you need it be worthwhile and meaningful.

Doing just a little bit, a trickle exposure, is not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after you. And that is the last thing a BS needs. If your WS is going to be angry, make sure it is for a VERY GOOD REASON. And exposure is a very good reason!

Good exposure targets are parents of all concerned, other family, friends, children. The OM's family and friends should be informed too. This is especially critical when there is a WW because exposing to his family will ruin her future chances in that family.

Keep up the good work!

That's nice.

Bugsbunny, have you outright DEMANDED that she end her affair? Dr. Harley suggests that you demand she end her affair:

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

You are the man, Bugs!

(Wow, did I ever pick a bad day to be out of town with no internet access...)

She may rant and rage for a little while and throw all manner of fogbabble and hurtful comments at you. But I assure you, my friend, you just changed the balance of power, and you also became a much more attractive man.



Remember that a dose of hard, sobering reality is the only thing that can kill the alien within the woman you are trying to save.

Also, understand that this is somewhat like ripping off a bandaid. Best to rip it off all at once and go through this ONCE rather than lots of little slow gradual tugs, each one hurting as much as the last.

And I see you online there and hope you see this before you log out.

Let the flood waters roll. This is what she needs.


She is nowhere near the point of rationality where she can make this kind of decision. At this point there is no predicting what she is going to decide. She could be saying one thing right now and change her mind tomorrow.

When the affair is dead, she will begin to defog. At that point she may finally count the costs of what she has doing. When that reality sets in, she may rue everything she has done and be desperate for a chance to try to make things right.

Get SAA and read the whole book, pronto. Keep reading the other materials here.

Not sure I ever log out...LOL! Just got a call from her and we talked for awhile. Managed to do so without any poison darts being thrown through the phone (last conversation she hung up on me). Definitely have the hardest part ahead of us since we both have to be willing to work together on something that has caused us both pain!

LOL...I love that response!

Yes, you do, but until the affair is killed, this is putting the cart in front of the horse. She may bounce between being nice and being a terror, but until the affair is killed, you will not be able to work together.

Bugs, did you read this:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2527736#Post2527736