The issue is that he is concealing THIS MEETING with the OMW. That is the point. No contact has BEEN BROKEN. Since her WH, Mike and his wife don't have the good sense to avoid contact, she very much needs to know about any continued contact so she can protect herself FROM THEM.

I am hoping that someone in this whole sordid mess has some sense and can prevent these people from coming up with other such "good reasons" for broken contact.

The OMW very much needs to know about that no contact has been BROKEN.

Absolutely. They are always the least objective and that is where the rest of us can help the most. And not by telling them what they WANT to hear, but by telling them what they NEED to hear. That is true support.

Whew! I only did what I thought was best for my family. I cannot do whats best for OM's family. He was pretty set on ruining as many families as he could taking my wife with him en route. I caught a break on Mother's Day and subsequent breaks when you fine folks helped me through the worst of the first several weeks helping me to stop the AO'ing and perhaps leaving my family when they needed me the most.

Not a perfect science, this infidelity recovery.

Well we are all gonna pile on here NG, not only is allowing contact a bad idea, but money, allowing it because of buying back some dignity? Some things are just not worth the filthy lucre.

I use to have people approach me for loans, and I would give them the money, and tell them not to worry about it, the ones that returned the money, I knew were responsible for themselves, the ones who dodged me and made excuses, well I bought thier pride for X # $. But that was just with small loans to people I knew.

If your WW is feeling so low about herself, that somehow getting back money from this POS makes her feel better about it all, there are still rocks to turn over there.

Please get your W to see someone about her self esteem issues, and continue on a plan of recovery, but don't let it be a hiding your head in the sand plan. I will be praying that you will do this MSS, and I believe you can, but not without some mind altering cattle prods being swung your way and up both your behinds.

But its worth it.

Oh no, continued contact with an affair partner is NOT best for your family or anyone else. This is why I point out that you are not objective. If your judgement is telling you that resumed contact is "best for your family" I would assert you have very poor judgment and need more help, not less.

Secondly, you and the OMW should be allied so you can prevent a repeat. Smple common decency requires that you WARN her that she is in danger. Wouldn't you want the same courtesy? And in your situation it is even more imperative that she know since all 3 of you have such poor judgement. You are ALL dangerous.

Saying this is not "perfect science" is a very poor excuse for such reckless behavior. It is not an appropriate reason to take foolish risks with your marriage.

In the end its about what is right, that is whats best for your family, and for everyone, you, WW ,all considered.

Money is not as important as your wifes self worth, and money can't buy back what was really lost. Money is discussed in the bible in great detail, because of the confusion of its use and value before God. I have felt that it is described as raw power, mothers milk as such, concentrated power, a root of power and control. It is important to realize, that is is not love, or has much to do with love, unless used correctly, for loving purpose. Its in scripture that, the "love" of money, is the root of all evil, not money, the love of it, because its the love of its power and manipulation. Its use of it is normal and expected, and the planning of use of money is also wise and expected, but loving money just for the power of it? Well you you get my drift, money is just a symbol.

I love the scripture where Christ says, "Give to ceasar that is ceasars", talking about money, and even the one person who produced the coin out of his pocket, who was a holy man, and was not supposed to carry around a graven image. Money can be very tricky Mike, as well as the power we attach to it.

The money was earned by my wife well before OM entered our world. It was safely invested until we moved into his investment which he personally guaranteed both me and his lover on numerous occasions knowing the nature of the investment. Her earnings. Her money. Her self respect. She got as much of it back as she could.

Mike,
Speaking as a FWW, this is eventually going to backfire on you. While she may feel victorious right now, when your wife's anger dies down and she begins to truly reflect on what she has done and accept her guilt in it, she is going to see this as having prostituted herself. And since you allowed it, instead of feeling that you loved her more than anything, more than any amount of money, she's going to feel that you pimped her. I'm afraid you just made your recovery even harder.

Anyone else?

Yes, I'll take a swing at the dead horse (again)... It's the money thing... I don't get why it's so important to risk losing everything again...

Nah Im done. I'm not condemning Mike, I understand where he is coming from, its just that I want to prepare him for future revelations that might come up. After all, he has a long road still ahead of him and his wife.

Count the blessings every day Mike, don't forget to find the value in the chance you both have, as you put this in the past. I know you love your wife, and want to build her up and protect her. Praying for you guys, you can beat this, I believe you will.

FWW said this upon dday and reflection of 5 or so years with OM. After the initial "relationship" ended and complacency set in which she says was the last 3 or 4 years, she now sees herself as a piece of meat he used. This was a sorry excuse of a woman, but one I love and one Im going to help rehab her pysche and remove this chapter. A handful of nice outfits and some jewelry (since hocked for cash by her), a whole bunch of nice meals, and a paltry sum of money each week kept her in his midst. It didnt build a career or nest egg for her, nor did he make any long term commitment to her such as leaving his spouse, so yes we agreed she acted as his prostitute. His side action. This is the burden she'll have to live with. As will I.

We're not very proud of ourselves.

Et tu, CV? Its all the money in the world to us now. Its a point she and I had to make. It was calculated after 8-9 weeks in to our recovery that she go after this money. Im living with a woman who put herself thru a bad situation and wanted out for a while. It may be tough to believe this, but money and lack of desire to better herself and a fairly cushy existence kept her in this situation. This is the belief I take with me everyday. Love and/or affection was gone a while ago. Sad for me to accept this. But I do.

Im spending my time looking at everyday's upside. What can I do improve me and more importantly my wifes self image which took a beating? Getting this money secured was a big thing towards this.

Its made her a stronger person, in my opinion. If it backfires in 2 week, 2 months or 2 years, I will be on here saying you all told me so.

Im not worried, in fact, I see a better woman next me because of securing what was hers.

I killed last weekend with a crappy attitude and I will not destroy this weekend too.

I promised her last night the stuff on the thread here wouldnt get me down, but it has. I have a trust with her.

Have a good weekend all.

Mike

Im leaving.

Cannot handle the past. Cannot and will not just put what she did in the back of my head.

Her ability and willingness to deceive me and the children for such a long a time has ruin my ability to function in life.

I gave my best attempt and she was as sorry as any philandering spouse looking to save her marriage would be.

But, my jealously and anger and probably a touch of spite is overwhelming me. I have not been able to work or focus on much of anything else.

I spent an hour telling her that I cannot go on not speaking about the what she did. Im not following the MB rules simply because they require me to do things that Im unable to do. I ripped her apart and told her if she expect me not want to know more about 7 years of her being in love with another man then shes now deceiving herself. I do believe she wants nothing to do with him. THAT IS NOT THE ISSUE. The issue is forgiveness and I am having big trouble giving that.

Im telling the children tonight.

Sorry. I just cannot be in love with someone who has the ability to hurt me and the kids so callously.

I tried.

mss

mike

i am sorry you are felling this way today. i think we all have those day, i had one and yesterdau and nightmares last night and i am 4 mos in. you are a month from having the bus hit you, it takes time.

please call the harleys before you do anything, you have given it this much of a shot why not try it. i have asked you before, you have nothing to lose, you feel like you have lost it already.

i know one you mind it set you may not change but try it, she has worked hard and so have you.

come on mike

I dont have the money to spend on the harleys right now otherwise i would have done it weeks ago. We are going to MC next week to work on some stuff and so we'll see how that goes.

She wrote me a letter yesterday (her first) after I gave her a old fashioned AO the night before where I told her Im abandoning this thread despite the genuine good advice and well meaning thoughts, the MB process is failing me and Im failing it. The letter rehashed some of the stuff she said before and offered little revelations.

So, in review, I allow FWW to break the NC rule last week and I unleashed a nasty AO 2 nights ago. So my ability to abide by MB basic laws is low.

She is very desperate to keep me here, I will say that.

I allow FWW to break the NC rule last week and I unleashed a nasty AO 2 nights ago. So my ability to abide by MB basic laws is low....I'm leaving.

An analogy?

So, I broke the traffic laws last week and received a $700 speeding ticket. My ability to abide by the local traffic ordinances is low. I've decided to turn in my license, donate my car, and burn the garage to the ground.

In both cases I would prescribe......moderation.

You and I are so much alike, MSS, it's scary. I take that back - you have demonstrated much more understanding and forbearance than I did, or in your circumstance, ever could.

SIX MONTHS! Do NOT make any life-changing decisions for six months after a d-day. You've heard that before, right? There's a reason for the longevity of that advice, and it's because it has been shown to be valuable.

Who are you most mad at RIGHT NOW? It appears that the target of your anger is less your FWW than it is yourself, for having a lapse in judgment and suffering the predictable negative consequences. Okay, here's what you do:

Trust us! Trust the program!

You screwed up. I got it. Don't do it again.

NG-Do you have these analogies saved on your computer or you just come up with them? I actually gave 90 days to figure out my direction which I also failed to abide by. Im a weakened person.

I have always said its me not her. Its cliche, but in this case its me. In one of my AO-like texts the other day, I told her I should take the blame for all of this for 1) not seeing the A when many others speculated for years, and 2) not protecting her like a Husband is supposed to. If I take the blame, maybe I can redirect my anger at me, as you said.

We went to a concert last night with friends and she spent most of it crying. Every song seemingly referred in some way to our situation. She begged me to forgive her and I sat mostly moping.

Her note she wrote yesterday was a nice thing, but shes not very open about her feelings and maybe its connected to her ability to stay in the A as she did. Im not a psychologist so im just playing one here.

OK, Ive been told here before it'll need min 6 months to get some of the fog lifted in my head. I'll give it go.

My anger at her is not lessening. Maybe I need those 6 months.

Moderation is something Im working on. Ive lost 15 pounds and now im using 'moderation' to keep it off. Moderation, however, doesnt sufficiently punish her and for some reason I want to punish her as if almost losing all that which holds dear wasnt enough punishment, my 9 week crappy attitude doesnt seem enough punishment, her throwing herself at me physically as part of just compensation can be contrued as punishment, that I can agree with, but its not really.

Her having to live with her failures is enough punishment? Not very satisfying.

You really should not leave your house if you are deadset on a change. She should be the one to leave, because if you are the one to do so, it can be seen as abandonment and you will end up paying a ton in the long run for it.

Friend, here's infidelity secret #1:

You cannot effectively punish her.

Ever since Western civilization took away betrayed husbands' rights to shave, brand, and whip cheating wives (God, I miss the good old days!), our options have been basically limited to leaving/divorcing them, or somehow getting past the pain and moving on with them. Anything else just works toward facilitating or defeating those two options.

Here's infidelity secret #2:

Trying to punish her brings you more pain.

Since you can't do a decent job of it (More heat on the branding iron, dammit!), you develop a sense of frustration that your mind/body converts to additional anger. This in turn means you want even more to exact punishment, and on, and on......

I know I'm waaaaaaay out here in cyberland, but I am going to yield to my distressing habit of trying to interpret someone's actions and figuring out the root cause.

I THINK you do not want to be the initiator of a marital dissolution action. (That is good.) I also think at some level you would welcome such an action happening, and are driven on occasion to give her cause to be the initiator. (Not so good.)

Give it the six months, amigo. Cut down on your AOs, DJs, and expressions of anger. Yell at US, if you want, we can deal with it. Talk to your religious leader. If you aren't active in any faith, this might not be a terrible time to check in. I mentioned that you and I are very much alike. I almost committed major acts of mayhem on the day after my discovery. I'd like to think that I made the correct decision to refrain.