They say it's best to wait six months before a BS makes any important decisions because their in so much mental termoil.

You want to speak with the Harley's
You say you don't have the money
You spend money on a MC that is not helping you
You would be better off seeing the Harley's say once a month then the num nuts counselor every week.

Then:
You let WW break NC
Why
You can't even see that how that bad decision last week is now making you say you want to be done
You expect to allow NC to be broken and not have the effect it did

The decision last week was the best thing I did for my marriage and more importantly my wifes self image. This weeks breakdown had nothing to do with it. Nothing. I was just doing the usual mental movies and got caught up in it. I will say this and she said so in a letter to me just yesterday, that relationship ran its course years back, she cannot understand how she stuck around the last few of them other than collecting a paycheck and ease of life and dumbness.

Also, its our first visit jointly to a MC so I will hold my thought until after. I will say this, she is reading HN, HN and may be seeing the value in the Harley's method so Im not saying well never talk to him, we just need to try this guy first, on the 19th.

And, yes, Im now on the 6-month plan. Im counting on making it a lifetime plan, but 6-months must come first.

Aside from this weeks blow out and my early AOs, i felt like I walked the high road mostly. If I stay calm, cool and enjoy life as I have NOT been doing lately, THAT may be the "punishment" Im looking for. Its an odd concept, I know, but somehow if I went to that concert and to the other things I moped thru lately and lived like it was pre-dday, she'd on one hand be much happier but it would also tell her Im beginning to be less affected by it and we can more on. Would that say to her anything? I dont know. I know shes hoping I stop spending my day moping and reliving the past, but maybe if I actually do it it would say something (maybe unsaid really) that the A was and is her's to deal with mentally and for life.

Kind of reverse psychology? "what you did is and was meaningless to me now, its yours to deal with for life, Im clean"

I do realize its both of ours to deal with but if I can manipulate my brain to think this way, I can get thru this easier?

Kind of a passive agressive, immature way to go about things?

Hey, its Friday, a few short hours from weekend. Im feeling good today. Just rolling some random ideas out there.

Call the Harley's radio program.
It's FREE.

Nothing wrong with random ideas.

I'm sure your WW would like to see you stop moping and 'move on'. Unfortunately, it generally doesn't work that way. This is a process you're going through. You've got to incorporate this experience into your past notion of what your marriage was so that you have a true picture of your marital history. I hate to keep bringing up the 'T' word, but that's going to take Time.

You already know that she owns her actions, and that damaging your M was a choice she consciously made. You already know that you are the innocent party in her affair. I think what you're dealing with isn't so much talking yourself into believing that, as it is just accepting what has happened. You haven't accepted it yet. You will.

Methinks you're still trying to rush the process of acceptance, Mike. You can't do that. There are ways to make the process easier, though. Be good to yourself. Savor the moments when you're at the top of the coaster. Be kind to yourself when the coaster plummets and you feel despair. Comfort yourself while you ride those moments out, and keep reminding yourself that those moments will become fewer and farther in between.

And do something fun this weekend!

MB-

No, I have yet to accept this. Youre right about that. I know it comes the T word and Im going too fast.

Putting the brakes on this weekend and we will do something good. And I will lead the way with a positive attitude. Its all I can do. As I once said, I control everything. My good attitude and my bad can set the tone.

Im not a big fan of all this control, but I have it.

Have a good weekend everyone. Barring a melt down (which I just said IS NOT going to happen), I will touch base next week.

mss.

First chance next week, I will. Thanks for the suggestion.

Click THIS LINK for instructions !!!!


You might want to POJA a few questions with your wife.

Mike, none of us are as deep as we like to think we are. We can always do better, think deeper and try harder. It's ok to fail. It's not ok to give up. Giving up is the real failure. I would venture to say that 6 months is the big milestone after DDay, but the real proof in the pudding is the 1 year mark. Start small though. Make it to six months and shoot for another 6 after if you can. You *CAN* do it if you want to. But you have to want to. You can hang in there.

As for asking the questions and never speaking of it again. Remember this is tempered by your policy of radical openness and honesty. If you are having a bad day because of the A tell her.

Likewise, don't be so quick to close the book and never speak of it again until you have *SUFFICIENTLY* gotten your answers. A 7 year fog isn't often overcome in 3 months. Personally, I think it's ridiculous to say after 3 months you will never speak of it again, especially not knowing the right questions to ask.

What you can do is **CONTROL** your questions and HOW you ask them. This will make a huge difference in avoiding love busters.

Remember this current roller-coaster is because NC was broken. It is a lesson to learn from.

Mike, sorry I haven't been on in a while. My wife had major surgery. It didn't go well and we have been preoccupied. Hopefully though she will improve.


CV

t/j CV, I'm so sorry to hear this! Why don't you pop in on your thread and bring us up to date?
end t/j

Mike,

It has been awhile since we have talked. Sorry about that but life sort of got in the way. I have a few thoughts for you that frankly are not much different that what everyone is telling you,but perhaps well be expressed in a different way.

In my mind you are not going at this in quite the right way.

You don't have to forgive to remain married.
You don't have to accept what she did to remain married.
You don't have to be happy with what she did to remain married.
You don't have to remember with fondness the good times during the affair to deal with what she did and remain married.

What you have to do is DECIDE to remain married.


What you have to accept is that she WANTS to be married to you.

Trust will come because trust is not a feeling so much as an ability. Trust comes when you can use past behavior to predict her future behavior and decisions and the past is most heavily weighted by the most recent events.

For example, she may have been honest for 20 years but lied to you last week. Can you trust her? Actually, not the most recent data shows that something has changed and she is now lying. She lied to you for years, but in the last week has she been honest with you, what has changed? Can you trust her, well maybe not so much yet, but if she continues to do what she says, continues to keep her promises then trust can be built.

I don't trust anyone a I don't know, but I don't distrust them either. Because I don't know them the concept of trust is moot.

My point in this is that you and your W need to decide the future, how it will be lived, how much each of you will contribute to the others life. Neither of you can change the past, it should not have happened. It did and it hurt you but frankly being a victim and moping around is NOT how you should live your life. Moping around isn't going to make your W love you more or feel more guilty. It is not going to help your children or make them love you more. It is not going to help your work or give you a higher rating for promotion.

I know you are hurt, I know healing takes Time and Patience, T&P, but I also know that you MUST start to organize your thinking and begin the process of leading your life, not letting your W's past mistakes lead your life for you.

If you want her in your life, if you love her, if you want your family intact and if she wants the same, then you must DECIDE to go with your wishes her failures not withstanding.

Mike you seem like a very good man who is on the "rollercoaster" you can slow the coaster down, and you can get off, but you must quit allowing your W's mistakes to run your life. She must address her failures, she must address and figure out how she will life with you knowing she failed you and her children so badly. Hence my statement that she must make a decision as well.

I mentioned that you can do nothing about the past, but you can do something WITH the past. You and your W can learn from it. YOu can use the knowledge to sit down and design a better future together. You two can make a plan that meets your needs for love, respect, and honor and meet her needs for trust, love, and respect as well.

Mike this can be done, but your perspective needs some tweeking.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

CV-Sorry to hear. I hope all is well. Thanks for the words, but my thoughts are with you.

Mss

JL-

A classic, since printed for better reading, post. Thank you.

Every line is true. I got a little worked up reading it because it really so dead on true.

Amazing that you bolded the part about she wants to be married to me. That is something I tend to forget on the roller coaster.

Thanks for this. Really hit me. I will show it to her when she gets home.

She is so ready for me to start to behave in the way you laid out. Ive said many times she has been amazing in her end of the recovery. Just amazing.

Again, fantastic stuff.

mss

Mike sorta took a sabbatical from here and I have regressed many fold. We both have the same problem. Resentment. Im letting it harm my M. Our story is a little different but not our feelings. This isn't my first go round
I am back on Meds again, not sleeping/eating and I cant concentrate. JL just sorta reminded me I have to make a decision. Im not sure what mine will be but you gotta give it your best shot to be the last one standing on the battlefield.
I wish my wife was showing all the efforts your is. No matter how much my FWW does I never feel its enough tho.
I do think JL is right in decision making is 90% of the battle. I feel I am loosing the other 10%.
Not real encouraging from me today just wanted you to know I truly "feel you" every second of every day.

Thanks mike,

we won't really know how her eye is doing until tomorrow after the Dr visit. I am posting some thoughts in a bit on my thread (sexually abused spouses and affairs).

CV

Mike,

You said I'm sure she is, but that is not the point. Are you ready? Have you decided that a different way of responding is to YOUR advantage, YOUR families advantage, YOUR career's advantage and finally to your marriage's advantage?

You have to make the call on how you lead your life, you have control of your life if you will take it. Just remember what she did does not have to become "alright" for you to have a good marriage in the future. What you need to do is decide that you WANT her in your life for a better future with guidelines laid down by both of you that make both of you feel safe.

Most BS' struggle with the feeling that their life is out of control, but it is not really. It sort of would be if she did not want to reconcile. If she wanted out, you have little to say about that. However, even then you have complete control of your future (or as much as anyone really has). But, because she wants to reconcile, you have control of whether or not you do. If you decide to do, you BOTH have control of what recovery will look like, what your marriage will be like, and how you two will treat one another.

In short Mike, she has given you complete control...use it wisely and with gratitude for the blessings you have been given.

God Bless,

JL

Can I add to these wonderful words?

Blessings... Have you considered the blessings that have accompanied what you have gone through?

Despite the pain, for us BS' with repentant fws', we have received blessings as well. We have in the midst of the hurt, pain and devastation learned that we are stronger than we thought, that we can forgive and learn about things we never would have considered. We have been blessed to see our own shortcomings in very acute ways.

We have been blessed with a 2nd chance with the ones we love and the opportunity to do it again... Better.

We have the blessed opportunity to improve our own lives, to learn to be stronger than ever before, to love more than ever before. We have been blessed with the opportunity to show grace and mercy and forgiveness to the least deserving people in the world and relish in it, not for our sakes, but simply because they are growing and learning to be more than *THEY* ever thought possible as well...

Blessings indeed.

CV

My point was is my WW is waiting patiently for me to take these advantages by responding in a manner different from the way I have been. She has cultivated an environment with loving, caring, affection, a new attitude towards her work and future opportunities, and just a complete turn around in her life AND I am held up on things I cant change. Your prior post made it clear I dont have to accept anything but remaining married and the rest T and P will handle for me.

I have this sorry feeling for her because of my inability to get passed what she did and her desperate attempts to help me do so. And I simply wont let go of it. T and P. She knows this. I know it too.

Thanks for the posts. Mike

MSS, on my thread over in "In Recovery", Stretch asked me to analyze the factors that contributed to our rapid recovery. Go over there and read it. The key thing was to ACKNOWLEDGE that the actions we had committed that got us to D-night ENDED THAT NIGHT!

The faster you can get there, the faster you and she will stop wrestling with the dregs of resentment that bother you still.