AEK1,

The letter needs to come from your H. It needs to be handwritten and needs to address the hurt and disrespect that he and OW have caused you (his DW) and your family. It needs to state that he wants no further contact for life. The letter should be approved by you. You then send it or hand to OW / or OW H.

There are sample letters on this forum.

Your own letter will have no effect on the OW. She already knows what she did and that it was wrong. You also already know that she has complete disregard for you. Your letter will do nothing...except maybe give you some personal satisfaction. But even that is a far reach.

How do you know that OW wants a meeting? Did this come out at that BBQ?

Send an NC letter now, nothing more.

No matter how you try to express your pain, an OW will just see it as whiny and pathetic. It will give her ammo to use against you. Far, far better to say nothing from you.

An NC letter from your FWH is all she should receive, and again close ALL avenues of communication she might use.

Don't communicate w/her. She will only try to make things worse. It is like negotiating with a terrorist. A MARRIAGE terrorist who is out to blow up your marriage.

I spoke to ow1 2x in 2yrs. And I got confirmation on 1 thing once, and that was sf with my then wh. Second time was to let her know her married bf (my husband) was leaving my house after begging me back. (I am devious like that).

But it did'nt do a thing except she did break up with him a few weeks after that...crybaby ho only found out that he lied to her!!! Waaah waaah!

They simply CANNOT be trusted and there is nothing really good that could ever come from communication with a stinking ho.

All she should receive is the NC letter (approved by you) and sent by your wh. If you want to make sure the ho gets it, then have it with a return address slip delivered to her rutting lair.

I say do that. After all, you'll know she got it and that she'll know it was an important letter giving her ho-tice that her days as a skank with your husband and terrorizing your marriage and family is OVAH!!!

I think it's too late to send a NC letter.. It was 7 months ago and there has been no contact with my h and ow.

I think if my h sends a no contact letter now her h would go mad and he is a nasty piece of work at the best of times. If she sends another email asking to meet I will simply not reply. Thoughts?

NC is for both of you, so IMHO I would indeed send a letter, get him to write it, you approve it, you send it.

It will underline it for the skank.

Then pretend like she is dead, you can't contact dead people.

She broke NC herself. If a letter had already been sent, you would simply ignore it. Since no letter has been sent, she opened the door for you to do so.

Feeling down today. 2 years since my father died when ow was planning her attack.

Feel depressed today and questioning why I am with such a cheat.

Why did he never try and stop it. See the destruction. Realise what he was going to loose.

I have no security, no sense of future.

Help....

Hi Hun,

Anniversaries are always hard, and you got a double whammy.

Why did he never try and stop it. See the destruction. Realise what he was going to loose.

BECAUSE IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIM!!

Come on, you know this, you didn't feature in his thoughts at this time.

You have to get tough honey, with yourself. If you have decided to stay, have done all the stuff about details and exposure, have made a plan to recover, then you have to focus on here and now.

You can't change the past. You can change the future.

The pity parties are admittedly comforting but there comes a time when you have to loose the resentment and look at what you have. If you look at what you have and it's not right, then you have the choice to leave.

You know my story, you know what a plonker her is, but by fixing me, so I was that strong feisty woman again, he has to run to keep up. He knows how lucky he is, but we don't talk about it, we focus on what we have and what next.

Looking backwards all the time helps no one and also means you might just miss whats in front of you.

Blessings

AEK1

I'm sorry you are hurting.

I did make a decision to try and make this work but I don't think he deserves me.

Why should I forgive him?

AEK1,

Trust and respect he will have to earn - totally up to him. The forgiveness is more for you. When we forgive we release that person to be redeemed and we can begin the work of our own healing, whether we stay or go. When we hang on to all they've done we run the risk of growing a root of bitterness that can color every aspect of our lives and becomes so big we lose sight of the purpose in all of this. Just remember that forgiveness is a process, not just a one-time decision. You may have to remind yourself every five minutes you've forgiven him and eventually it will be ten, then 15... You get the drift!

You made a decision to stay and work and no matter what happens, you have chosen to do the hard work. When we do this (I chose to stay also)we grow no matter what the other party chooses.

Why? Because 1)you did choose to forgive and spiritually 2) EACH DAY we are forgiven and we don't deserve it, but somehow God thinks we are.

Hugs.

Keep on keepin' on.

Like Iga3 said, respect is not now. THAT IS EARNED thru time and with him working daily to re-earn that respect in your eyes.

It's hard b/c truthfully, the bs usually does all the hard work and it seems unfair too. I mean, THEY got to have all this wild affair and live on the dark side and pretend they weren't grownups OR married. They got to live and behave as a 16 year old again (a very BAD BAD BAD 16 year old).

They got to lie, cheat and steal, and many of them came kicking and screaming to the confessional phase, not really wanting to tell you of their affair and maybe not even wanting to end it.

But many wake up, see the horrific actions they did and are disgusted, and WANT AND TRY to change.

But by that point, you've done so much heavy lifting it can seem almost too much.

FOCUS instead on where you want it to be. Think of the new marriage which is building and the fact your kids will be in a loving family, and not one torn up by divorce.

All good things will come in time, IF HE WORKS now as hard as you do. But know he has to begin the hard work himself.

Hugs to you.

AEK1,

My Dad is still is still around but I know how devastated I would be if he was not. I have seen others around me hurting on the anniversary of a parents death. I even know a few who cannot even make it into work the sorrow is so strong. Try to remember the good times with him. Celebrate what his life was.

AEK1 I am wondering if you are doing the same thing that I used to do. I noticed that whenever I felt down or whenever something bad happened to me I would shift my bad thoughts to WH who in reality had nothing to do with why I was feeling down...but I would start to resent him and wonder why I was with him. Once I realized what was happening, I was able to control my thoughts better and to feel bad about what I really felt bad about. Did that make sense?

You have had TWO major triggers. OW contacted you and the anniversary of your Dad's death. Of course you are feeling really down right now. That is the normal reaction.

Do you really want to throw it all away? Give it a few days and see how you feel. Allow yourself to mourn for your Dad.

Recovery is a roller coaster. You're on a downhill slope right now, but it is a temporary place. I don't recommend making decisions while on the low sections.

Expect that you will feel better, and then worse again, and then better after that. Over time, the slopes get more and more gentle, till you're finally off the ride.

Only you have the answer to that one honey.

Indeed he doesn't deserve you, you didn't deserve this mess, but it's what's on your plate.

You don't have to forgive him, thats not even in the equation yet, he has to do the do.

Is he walkin the walk? Is he doing things to show you he is sorry?

Plonker doesn't say much but his actions speak volumes. He doesn't do words, but he does do the stuff.

Does yours? Is he doing the things that make you smile and show you he is trying to fix things?

Let go some of the resentment, it's a waste of energy when you could be doing productive things.

Blessings

Long journey in car today. Gave h a hard time for so much lying and calling me a [censored]. Backwards step!

How do I embrace my h again after sleeping with a fat hairy woman who is twice my size? He is trying hard but it's not working, I don't respect him or fancy him anymore.... It's gone. What shall I do?

It just shows how down and broken he was. Would you respect or fancy him more if OW was knock out gorgeous?

I know your anger and resentment are telling you to kick him to the curb. What is your heart telling you? You do know that we told you that you would not recover if you continued to run in same circles as OW. The triggers will pull you down forever. The anger and resentment will be with you always.

Even if you kick him to the curb.

AEK1 - here it is - you have reached the next stage! Congratulations.

It is very common at around 6 months into recovery that the BS gets very, very angry with the WS because the BS now knows that the marriage is not at risk from the affair anyomer.

A funny thing happens when the BS knows the marriage is no longer likely to end and the WS won't be leaving for the OP - the BS gets MAD.

But this too will pass. Hopefully your H is being sweet and understanding about all this. My advice to you is to continue meeting each other's EN's and you will soon enough start feeling better. and SENT THE NC LETTER ALREADY!!!!