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Married 20 years, separated 1 year. Husband admits to unfaithfulness for past 5 years. We have been trying to work on it, by going to marriage encounter weekend and he went to mens conference last weekend focusing on men and unfaithfulness. I can tell he is trying, but most of the time, I feel no hope.
Yesterday we were talking, and he said he gets hit on constantly. he said that he can be at the gas station and the women filling up next to him will hit on him. He is a decent looking guy, but I find it hard to believe that women hit on him constantly. I asked if he was enticed, and he said yes, but he had finally realized that it was shallow and was destroying his soul.
I thought about the conversation all day today, and I am starting to think that he is deeply disturbed. I am beginning to think that he really thinks that women hit on him constantly. I am starting to think that even if a women is friendly, he thinks they want him. I think he may have such deep issues of insecurity, it may hinder him from helping himself. I look at this man and know that I never really knew him. His family even says that they don't really know him either. I'm sure he doesn't know himself. I'm not sure he is capable of really any kind of self reflection. He is working on himself, but after that conversation, I am starting to believe that he is so deeply insecure that there is no hope.
This year I have learned that in the past he has hit on some women in the family and it really disturbed them. When I confronted him about it he said they were crazy, it never happened. I know it happened. I think he believes he wasn't being inappropriate. I think he has absolutely no self awareness or boundries. He is going to go to a counselor but I am starting to think I should just end it. I am completely turned off.
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Hi I'm ready,
Welcome to Marriage Builders and sorry you are here but this is the best place to recover from infidelity(ies).
Please listen to the vets when they reply to you. They really know what they are talking about. And read the amazing articles on this site.
Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)
Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
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Sorry you're here, but this is the club nobody wants to join but after they do, they realize it is a truly special place of renewal.
Anyhow about that hubby of yours. HE IS A WAYWARD, thus he will seem and behave quite delusional. Totally. They act sometimes as if they have had a rectalcranialinversion. You have no idea what in the world WILL come out of their pie hole and yours is simply foggy dear.
He obviously craves admiration and the feeling one might get when in the throes of a new love. That tingly, hormonal feeling of the "chase".
I would begin immediatley snooping on computer, cell, etc, and put a var in his car. Go to operation investigate forum and learn how.
At least you know his top EN already. I would guess it's admiration.
Anyhow, if he is behaving even remotely inappropriately like that, my bets are he's had or is having an affair. So don't be surprised when you snoop and find out. When you smell smoke it's usually fire.
Also, keep in mind alot of waywards have quite a narcissistic outlook. No wonder he believes totally strange women are constantly hitting on him. You see, he is LOOKING for what he wishes to happen.
We have plans here which can help you out and recover your M and build a loving and happy new marrige! But it takes work. Don't give up and try! Wish the best, but do not get discouraged if you snoop and find out he's acted on his wayward behaviors.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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We don't live together now. We have been separated for a year. He lived with the other woman most of that time. After listening to his lies about where he was living, I cut off contact. We have three kids and they are in counseling. At first by themselves, but now our two sons go to counseling with him. My daughter refuses to talk to him. he wants to work on it, I know he does. But I am starting to believe after what he said, that he is incapable of working on it, because he is delusional.
I truly believe that he wants his family, meaning me and the kids, but he might not be able to nurture deep attachments. He states that him paying all the bills, and paying for everything including private school tuition should be enough to show the kids he has their back. He doesn't get it. He talks like we should value him because he pays the bills. He says that he is working on himself. Then he tells me how he is constantly hit on. This is not the first time he has told me that. I am starting to think that this is something that is way beyond my capabilities to handle. He is supposed to see a counselor, but I am feeling like he is a lost cause.
II have spent the last two years living in limbo. Is their hope? if not, I am sure I will be Ok. I'm just not sure he will.
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My WH said something about women hitting on him at work too. With this, re-writing history, and so many other things he said, I said many times I thought he was delusional as well. There are threads on here with examples of wayward babble and I promise that a lot of it will resonate with you. I don't know if it will help you or not but it helped me tremendously. It's all like they are possessed with the same type of demon or something. They say the same things. They act the same way. I still can't fully grasp it, but to know that it's some kind of psychological thing helps so much.
When my WH left me, told me that he never loved me and that he used me to have children for his father (who had passed away about a year before this), then I found out there was another woman, and I was DONE! I filed for divorce and did whatever I could NOT to see him. There were still battles and I did whatever I needed to do to protect myself. I didn't take his crap, and in most of our battles for control I ended up winning. This caused stress in their relationship, which caused them to split up. And you know what happened? He came back to me. It wasn't hugely romantic and he wasn't all sorry, but he came back to what he knew was safe. She's still not out of the picture, but because of that break I was able to plan A him, and now I'm in plan B. Now I think I have a good chance of saving our marriage.
Just one month ago I thought we were finished for good. He seemed to absolutely HATE me. He said and did terrible things for 5 months. I was done....and now I have hope. If I have hope, I am positive you have hope as well. You just need to follow the wonderful advice of all the veterans on here. They will not steer you wrong.
Last edited by dmh; 07/17/11 06:15 AM.
BW Me 31
WH 30
Married 2002
Children: DS 11, DS 8, DD 2
DD 01/07/11
I Filed Divorce 2 weeks later to protect myself and children.
In Plan B since 06/26/11.
Recovery began 07/23/11.
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Hi imready, sorry you find yourself here. Hopefully the vets will respond come Monday, please take their advice. I wish I had listened to it sooner and may have been able to be more pro-active in stopping affair.
As for what you're husband is saying, sadly it sounds like fog babble to me... I am by no means an expert and just starting to decipher my own husband's babble. I have heard similar lines as what you have, what I call delusions of grandiosity, and I suspect have been built by OW feeding his EN of Admiration that I realise I may have neglected? Quotes such as "There is a shortage of men in Australia so I should find no problems in finding another partner" (implied that I will struggle to find anyone!!!), that his sister's married friend (according to him the local "hottie") finds him attractive, that the only reason men would look at me is because I dress well rather then actually being attractive myself (I am no God's gift but am confident in my ability to attract men), etc. All of this from a typically modest man who even still admits that if it were not for me his confidence would not be anywhere near where it is today and due to me he is a better person and all the more confident!!! I just think when another person enters the relationship what comes out of their mouth is all about him and ego. Or I try to convince myself of that, as I still have no real proof of affair but all accounts indicate it!!! Sorry to hijack your thread, just wanted you to know that good men can come out with absolute rubbish when OW enters the equation. What you can take as a positive is that he is at least communicating with you and trying counselling... my own husband has refused counselling and any attempt I have made at reconciliation. OW has taken priority, you still have a chance!!!
Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Welcome to Marriage Builders, imready. Your H is a hound dog with no boundaries. Okay, got that out of the way.  You say that he's out of the house, living part time with OW, and you remain in contact. I'm not seeing any kind of plan, here, imready. What is your plan? What was your plan when you separated?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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He doesn't live with her anymore. That is over. He wants to come back home, but I will not let him. He now has his own place. I still have contact because we have children together. We are trying to work on it, but there is a disconnect. After he told me about being hit on all the time, I just started to really question whether he is capable of self reflection. I think he really believes his allusions of self grandure. I am way past the point of finding excuses. I guess what I am trying to say is, we are working on it, but I don't think I could ever feel attracted to this man ever again. People tell me that if we work on ourselves and the marriage we can find our way back to each other. I just don't love him the way I want to love the man I am with. There is a part of me that feels like we can have the marriage we want, but there is another huge part that thinks he has so many issues and it is going to take too much time and effort to fix this. I have told him that it would be easier to just get divorced and move on. He seems to be doing most things right, now, but I just can't see being with him, especially when he says some of the things he says, like being hit on all the time. No way is he being hit on all the time, but I think he really believes he is. Hopefully his counselor is able to weed through his bull crap and see the insecure and lost man that he really is. How can such a smart and financially successful man be so emotionally stupid? Is there hope?
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Sure, there's always hope. But IMO you've placed yourself in limbo. I don't see where you're truly working on the M. If you were committed to doing so, he should move home. Separation isn't the answer. And while you're apart, those negative qualities of his will weigh heavier on your mind.
Can you tell us some of the things about him that originally attracted you to him? I've heard the negatives - what are his positives?
I also think you're placing too much importance on his "issues". The main issue is that he has poor boundaries. If he truly had delusions of grandeur it would show in other areas of his life. Nope - he just likes attention from women.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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just don't love him the way I want to love the man I am with. There is a part of me that feels like we can have the marriage we want, but there is another huge part that thinks he has so many issues and it is going to take too much time and effort to fix this. imready, he can develop new habits that are safe and conducive to marriage if he follows this program. And you can fall back in love with him. The problem is not that women hit on him, but that he reacts to it. And I suspect he signals availability when he is out and about. He is probably one of those guys who gawk at women and draws attention to himself. Does he gawk at women when you are with him? This can be changed if he develops new habits and you use this program. It really does work. Here is what Harley says it will take to recover a marriage: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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imready - make sure you are perfectly clear about one thing: Your WH is not trying to "choose" between you/family and other women. He wants both you/family AND other women.
He's hoping he can somehow convince you to go along with this. That's why he says delusional crap like "women hit on me all the time." He wants you to think there's nothing he can do about this, so you should just not worry about it and stop asking questions.
You are right. He IS delusional because like every WS, he's got the fantasy in his head that he can have both a spouse/family AND enjoy some dating on the side. He honestly thinks he can make that work if he just lies to you enough and manipulates you enough.
It's your job to bust that fantasy wide open.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Its boundaries.
He needs to work on them.
I noticed since I have seperated from my WH that men are often (always) trying to make eyes at me to connect but, interestingly, since originally committing to a relationship with my now WH, I ignore them.That would be 25 years of ignoring other men hitting on me. LOL. I didn't even notice them. My eyes never connected once. Now I am trying to get out of my marital filter. I am trying to see my value as a woman who has been devalued by her husband. I cross zero boundaries though.
Maybe your H is getting hit on and just has no filter there to ignore.
Maybe you are getting hit on too and oblivious.
So, being hit on and whether it is a delusion or not are not a problem here. Rebuilding a filter to it IS.
I think that would come from him moving back and you and he re-creating a romantic relationship where he isn't allowing other woman into his state of consciousness, yk?
I do know it is tough to go for this. You will have to get guidance from the pros....the marriagebuilder coaches.
They have heard it all.
That filter is a boundary keeper.
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[quote=imready] imready, he can develop new habits that are safe and conducive to marriage if he follows this program. And you can fall back in love with him. The problem is not that women hit on him, but that he reacts to it. And I suspect he signals availability when he is out and about. EXACTLY All cheaters, whether the husband or the wife, become wayward because they display poor personal boundaries and fail to vigilantly defend appropriate ones. When certain circumstances or opportunities present themselves, they INDULGE them rather than deflect or avoid them.They often have this weakness because they are insecure, attention-needy, immature, and/or self-entitled. It doesn�t really matter �who hits on whom first�. If a married person initiates flirtation, �hitting on�, or conversation/body language that is �personal beyond just business-friendly�, then he/she is over the line of appropriate personal boundaries no matter what else. If he/she is the recipient of the above and permits it, reacts to it, signals receptivity to it, or even fails to proactively slam the door on it instantly, then he/she is over the line of appropriate personal boundaries no matter what else. In most cases, a WH is primarily the initiator to the prospective OW and a WW is the primarily the recipient of the prospective OM. Usually the WH is actively seeking admiration & sexual tension from the OW and the WW is actively responding to attention & flattery from the OM. But� it doesn�t really matter �who hits on whom first� because it all comes down to poor personal boundaries.
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SDCW_man, is the above your own or quoted from a book?
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SDCW_man, is the above your own or quoted from a book? It is my own, not a quote from any one source...a distillation from experience as an xBH, from MB, and from reading/self-educating over the years via multiple sources.
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Maritalbliss, I know I am in limbo. we have been separated for a year. He is used to not having to take care of a home or the kids. He pays all the bills. He has always been a good provider, but I think that he believes that that should be enough. Right now we are fixing up the house so we can sell it. When he comes here once or twice a week , he gets anxious, it makes me anxious. Tonight when he came back to the house after taking our son to a movie, he was obviously tense. He is seeking counseling, but i'm just not sure that you can fall in love again. We just can't seem to connect. I am having a hard time just ending this. I believe that we are just not meant to be. Even when we talk about the past we see things so differently. I just wonder when one of us is going to end this.
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I guess me question is, can you fall in love again after being so betrayed and turned off? At first I would have done anything, now I just cant see it. I just cant picture it. Everyone keeps saying, its going to take time and hard work. I've been alone for 1 year while he was with her. He has been alone for two months. I just keep feeling it is too late. He wants to move back, but it would be strange. Me and the kids are used to living without him, being a regular presence in our lives. I dont think he can hack the day to day stuff.
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I guess me question is, can you fall in love again after being so betrayed and turned off? At first I would have done anything, now I just cant see it. I just cant picture it. Everyone keeps saying, its going to take time and hard work. I've been alone for 1 year while he was with her. He has been alone for two months. I just keep feeling it is too late. He wants to move back, but it would be strange. Me and the kids are used to living without him, being a regular presence in our lives. I dont think he can hack the day to day stuff. Would you be willing to counsel with the Harleys? It is possible to repair your marriage. That won't happen as long as he is out of the house.
Last edited by maritalbliss; 07/19/11 09:13 AM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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What do you mean counsel with the Harleys?
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What do you mean counsel with the Harleys? Sorry - I should have been clearer. What I meant was - would you be interested in emailing your question to the Harleys? Are you familiar with their radio show? Here's a link with more info: Marriage Builders Radio
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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