Spoke briefly to my lawyer and then emailed him detailed financial info for him to review. He called me back today and left a voice mail because I was in a doctor's appointment. All he said was he had crunched some numbers and to call him. When I called him back he was out, so I left a message and haven't heard anything. I'm going to call him again first thing in the morning.

I know I'm not staying in the current house; I accepted that fact six months ago. I've been trying to get the house market ready with the help of friends and family, but it's slow going because there is a lot to do. And it's hard to explain, but this house and property are unique and going to be hard to sell in this economy. However, I wish I could sell it tomorrow and be out from under it. Truthfully. It's my albatross at this point. It's the main thing that keeps me from being able to fully move on.

Tomorrow is his payday. I'm waiting to see if he starts this tomorrow or waits until the next pay period. My IM said the email wasn't completely clear when he plans to cut us off, because he said something about changing his direct deposit which takes time.

Over the next few weeks I have some more big decisions to make and also some big changes.

Just make sure that you remember that HE is making CHOICES. He is still responsible for what he is doing. Although he is acting very much like an addict, it is because every morning, he wakes up and CHOOSES to stay right where he is because it is EASY. Change is much much harder. I used to tell my WH(before there was ever an affair) that to be faithful, it took the choice everyday, not just on my wedding day. Well, one day, he chose wrong, and then the next, and the next, until we are where we are today, which is no more "we." And that, again, is HIS choice.

You are allowed to be mad at him for these choices. You are allowed to get ANGRY. Sometimes, you NEED to get angry at him, just don't call him and tell him. I used to write nasty letter to him, on my computer, that I never intended on sending and deleted after some time. It helped to let that out. I was even the crazy lady, walking down the street talking to someone invisible.

Hyacinth, my Direct Dep took 2 days notice to change. Do you have a plan if that money doesn't come in(you don't need to detail it, just answer yes or no)?

I still feel angry, hurt and resentful sometimes, but I stopped taking this personally a while ago, because I realize how in the fog he is. I don't think he's doing anything deliberately to hurt me and the kids, it's more that hurting me and the kids is a side effect of his terrible choices and he just flat-out doesn't care. It doesn't make the circumstances of what is going on any easier to stomach; the results are the same.

I have several possible plans (not sure any of them are all that good). I really need to get my lawyer's opinion on the situation before I can decide what direction to go.

I am getting ready to move sooner than later. I was hoping to be able to finish this house so it could sell, but if I have to abandon it because I can't pay my bills and am forced to, if it gets foreclosed on and he makes us go bankrupt, then I will have to deal that. I always say, you have to play the cards you are dealt. I try my hardest to make things work out for the best for my children and I, and will deal with however it turns out.

(Another plan is having someone take him the mortgage statement and all the household bills and saying he needs to take care of them for his kids sake or they will have no place to live. LOL. Not that I expect him to do anything, but he seems to forget he made promises to them, too, and they are really innocent in all of this. I wish he would remember that. He acts like I am partying on his money when the reality is I am raising his children and working really hard to keep this family healthy and afloat all the while getting this place ready to sell. I wish he could do all that for a while and see how he likes it. Instead, DS5 comes back from every visit telling me about all the new video games his dad plays and teaches him to play. He sounds like an irresponsible college student.)

Since he's not completely cutting me off, since he seems to think he's offering me a fair amount by offering me the statutory minimum (even though he is shirking his responsibilities), I am trying to figure out the best way to verbally spin this when I expose this newest stunt to our friends and family. Because my kids and I are going to -- well, not technically end up on the street, but will end up partially freeloading off friends or family for a while when this all goes down, if we can't sell this house -- because we will have to declare bankruptcy and lose everything and then I won't be able to buy (or even rent) something decent because he will have ruined my credit.

I am trying to think of how to describe what has happened to fully convey how selfish he is being. The one thing that seems to get through to him is when his friends and family tell him to man-up as a father and do right by his kids. That's the only card I have to play now, but I have to figure out how and when and exactly in what way to play it.

Just FYI. In most states it takes quite a long time for a foreclosure to be completed. During that time, you can live in the house. It usually takes many months to go through the process. You might consider staying in the home as long as you can while you get your ducks in a row financially. No need to just move out, the house will just sit there empty for months if you do.

Thanks. That's worth knowing. I'm going to start researching things like foreclosure and bankruptcy in our state.

His full Direct Deposit went into our joint account this morning and as of this moment he hasn't withdrawn any of the money out. I have a bunch of bills I need to pay asap. I'm hoping to hear from my attorney this morning, otherwise I'm going to give him a call again.

If WH put that money in, I would say pay bills immediately!!! Still talk to your lawyer, but get that money out and on its way.

Go grocery shopping, too.

Well, he didn't get his direct deposit changed in time, but he went in and withdrew a large chunk of money, most of which was for the mortgage payment, before I was able to get that paid. Most of our bills are set up as automatic withdrawals from our joint account and there were also a bunch of checks I had already written that needed to clear. However, at that point I transferred out every remaining penny and changed almost every automatic withdrawal (the ones that were important, at least) to my own account. It took an entire day to get all that arranged.

My IM sent him a message that was a list of the bills that will go unpaid. He is still refusing to pay any more, even his portion of bills that are joint debt. And then he did one of the worst things he has done so far. He sent a message that told me to cancel his life insurance to save money. His life insurance payment - its only term, not even whole life - is less than 1% of his net monthly income. I obviously did not cancel his life insurance, if that's going to happen he can be the one to commit that offense. But there's not going to be any money in the joint account when the company tries to withdraw the payment. I told pretty much everybody what he said and did. Words I used were to the effect of "What a stand-up guy. Our boys can really count on him, huh?" Everyone was shocked and appalled. I didn't tell his family anything because they are enabling his behavior and to them his unhappiness is all my fault. I've given up on them.

I went ahead and split off my car insurance policy from his. I also talked to my life insurance agent about moving the automatic withdrawal of my portion to my account. She's going to come this week to change the beneficiary. He has to authorize me to move my cell phone from our joint account that's in his name. For some reason he's dragging his feet on this.

I met with a real estate agent about selling the house. He said it's possible to make a small profit if I get a bunch of cosmetic stuff done and pack up a lot of my stuff and get it out of there to open up the looks of the place. My IM sent a message to WH with what the realtor said regarding selling and pricing and WH's response was that when we refinanced two years ago it appraised for much higher (like 25% higher) than the realtor just said we could sell it for and WH is not willing to take that much of what he sees as a "loss." What an idiot. I know I've said it before, but he doesn't understand anything about finances (or apparently the difference between what you can get your house appraised at and what you can sell it for.) So now what am I supposed to do? He's not even going to let me sell this place for what we can get for it. (I think it's because he knows once I take my inheritance that I used as our down payment out of it, he will see nothing. I would even be losing some of my inheritance myself.)

Our attorneys both really want us to negotiate with each other and work this out amicably. WH said that's what he wants to do, too. (And every single attorney I've talked to has said the same thing.) What should I do now?

I think I would tell my attorney to do the negotiating for me.
To listen to the other side and confer with you to respond.

That is a form of negotiating but you are not leading the show to marital oblivion. You respond with your best interests in mind.

YK?

I see what you're saying, but I have an honest question: How is that better? It just seems way more expensive. LOL.

Anyway, my attorney did ask me for a list of my concerns and desires so he could start negotiating for me if that's what I want. I'm so worried I'm going to forget something. How do I even know what to ask for and what to be willing to give up? I know my attorney can help me, but what if I forget some crucial piece of information?

Not to sound too pessimistic, but here's what I know is going to happen: because I trusted this man and built my life around him, I'm going to end up with all the responsibility and all the debt. Because right now WH has nothing (I have the boys, house and just about every possession of value) and so he has nothing to lose.

NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT, I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO FIX IT, IT IS COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL AND I AM SUFFERING ALL THE CONSEQUENCES. I am so miserable right now.

Plus, thus far, WH still hasn't filed for divorce. I don't understand him at all.

I would most certainly not negotiate with him, but rather have your attorney get an emergency order to make him pay the bills. I would also get her to get him on board with selling the house.

Your attorneys are hoping you will negotiate an "amicable" settlement because they are too lazy to do it. That is what every attorney wants, the easier, softer way out. But let me ask you, how "amicable" do you feel right now? I think that is a cute and winsome word, but are you feeling any of it? Or is reality intruding? The truth is that a very small minority of divorces are "amicable" [16%] as cutesy as that sounds. If you were "amicable" you wouldn't be getting divorced in the first place.

What typically happens in these non-amicable situations is that the BS attempts to negotiate with a selfish, cruel, self centered terrorist and just ends up beaten to a pulp because nothing is ever decided. In the end, the attorneys end up intervening anyway because the couple was not "amicable." They could not "rise above it" and "act adult" and the various other oft-used bumper stickers that are trotted out to describe the natural and realistic behavior that occurs in traumatic situations.

I would instruct your attorney to file for divorce, get emergency support and child visitation in place. GEt that in place and then DRAG OUT the divorce so you don't have to negotiate a settlement.

I'm pretty sure that both our attorneys can get him to see the reality of selling the house. However, there is no way to get an emergency order to get him to pay the bills. He can be made to pay child support and spousal support and a small portion of the mortgage possibly, but in this state since I am living in this house, I am expected to pay for it. And the support is not enough. We built this household based on using 100% of both our incomes because in a couple of years, our circumstances are going to change for the better financially (including end of paying $15,000/year in daycare and me getting a huge increase in pay) and then we would not be tight anymore. But right now, we are beyond tight. With his new "bachelor" lifestyle, we're in the red every month and getting worse because we're out of credit to draw on.

Three things. One, right now I still do not want a divorce and am not emotionally or mentally prepared to file for one. I'm just being honest. Second, the only way for me to draw it out is to contest it if he files. If I file, all he has to do is sign and that's all she wrote. Third, if I file I will have to forfeit some things I want and need in settlement but can only ask for if I claim I do not want the divorce. Hard to claim that if I filed. My attorney has advised me that given my circumstances, I am benefited by not filing and dragging out the actual divorce (meaning the actual decree) as long as possible.

Maybe there's something I don't get. What's the benefit to me being the one to file?

That will be the FIRST TIME in my 10 years on this board that a husband was allowed to abandon his family and just stop paying the bills. I would be amazed if this is the case. Is your attorney not willing to do ANYTHING?

You need to get legal protection to force your H to pay his support apparently.