D-Day was in November 2010. We've made excellent progress since, especially from about March onward. (Link to original thread is in my signer.)

Lately, though, I'm starting to imagine scenarios of me confronting my FWH on the days that are significant to his affair: 1 year to the date he slept with OW on a golf trip, two weeks later when he called her to start the full-fledged affair, the day he outright lied to a suspicious me in order to meet her on a business trip and, of course, on D-Day ... worst day of my life.

I know it's a few months off, but the days are bugging me. I feel like I want to really let him have it on the day he first slept with her, and then again on D-Day. I hope to someday forget these dates, but for now ... they make me angry and sad as they loom on the horizon.

He has been doing everything I've asked of him, and we're working the program really well.

So ... I'm wondering if these feelings are normal? And if so, is it OK to challenge FWH on these dates ... making them all about me, and my anger, sadness, betrayal and resentment? Or is this my taker going full board and complete love-busting to the hilt?

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

Yea I know how you feel. My FWH spent the first night with OW on Christmas eve last year. MERRY CHRISTMAS FOR ME! Don't think im going to celebrate at all this year as I don't have any children at home.

Yes
Depends
Might

LOL

Yes - your feelings are "normal". More importantly, your feelings are working you towards recovery.

You can't address what you ignore.

Depends - When you say "challenge" I cringe a little. How about we call this "sharing your deepest and most intimate and very vulnerable feelings" with your husband as a part of recovery ???? Does that work for you?

Might - This might be an opportunity to play "gotcha" and have your Taker feel all warm and cozy at the expense of your recovery process. TRUST ME .... I did this. I am advising you NOT to unleash the dogs "just because" of a trigger anniversary.

The one year mark (and all the anniversary triggers) is about when we recovering betrayed spouses think of clever, creative ways to sink the boat in which we are standing.

Am I close?

LD: That is truly horrible!! I find myself wanting to tell you to make SURE to celebrate xmas in a grand style. Are u with your WS? (I've read your thread, but can't remember details.)

D-Day is wedged between my FHW's birthday and our anniversary. He talked to OW for 90 minutes on his birthday; that kills me, too. But I do plan on making his birthday special and erasing ALL memories of OW that day. He does deserve it because of his hard work so far, and I do really love him!

But those other dates ... is it fair of me to wallow in some pain on these affair dates?

Can you come up with loving ways to express your feelings to your husband?
If not, at least ways to express your feelings that are not love busting?

ASK him for his support during those tough times.
TELL him where you feel weak/frightened/ ..... even suspicious.
ASK him to hold you when you are about to cry.


BRAINSTORM with him ways to make the bumpy road less stressful for both of you.

Throw away "fair".
That's sophomoric.

Aim closer to useful or productive for recovery.



I am wondering, would you ever advise one of your children to "wallow in the pain."?

You WILL experience pain. Fair or not.
This is the nature of grief.
This year, on Father's Day, I was struck by waves of pain .... Dad died Sept 15, 2010.
Not fair.
But real.

I cried.
I went out to distract myself.
I talked to Mr Pep.
I called my sister.

Be creative when you grieve. Try not to turn grief into anger, unless it is very necessary to protect yourself.

Brainstorming is the right course -- as well as open and honest -- approach to these D-Days and my dread/anger of them.

will have to ponder more on ways to lovingly express my feelings. when i think hard about it, i don't really want to hurt him ... just want him to see that despite my best efforts, there's still lingering pain on my part.

Again, right on the money. I wouldn't ... In fact, I'm always trying to move them to think positively.

Here's the thing, sweetpea: you get to decide what you're going to do on trigger days. Don't be a hapless victim of yourself. When you say 'is it fair of me' it sounds like you're resigned to wallowing. You don't need to be.

Choose how you want to tackle these dates. Talk to your H about it. Brainstorm ways to make new memories of the dates.

Talk to yourself out loud to explain to yourself why it isn't productive for you to wallow on these dates. And why it isn't fair to YOU to do so.

Acknowledge the obvious: the calendar isn't going to change. Those dates are going to come around again, every year you're alive. Don't let your H's A own those dates - every day of your life belongs to YOU.

Good advice from Pep. Recovery is so hard. You are going to obsess, be pissed, and hurt that's a given. As far as being "fair", it will never be.

It's been quite a while for me since dday, but I can tell you that not many significant days regarding the A go by without me thinking about them. I just don't react anymore. I can't tell you that I'm in the best of moods on those days, but I don't say anything anymore.

I think you should let him know how you are feeling on those days and then try to get past it. There are going to be so many triggers in your future that if you allow yourself to react to them, you will spend a lot of time in hell, and mostly likely as time goes on it will have to be your own private hell.

Just this weekend my FWH & I went through the area where OW lives and works and where my H met her. I found myself reliving where they would meet up before they would follow each other over to my rental house for their little afternoon delights. Looking down the street where she lived, where she lives now, where she works etc... All I said to him was that it was hard for me to be in this area of town. He knew exactly what I was referring to. I then let it go, but inside I was on fire with rage. After about a half an hour of being with friends, I forgot all about it.

Good advice from Pep. Recovery is so hard. You are going to obsess, be pissed, and hurt that's a given. As far as being "fair", it will never be.

It's been quite a while for me since dday, but I can tell you that not many significant days regarding the A go by without me thinking about them. I just don't react anymore. I can't tell you that I'm in the best of moods on those days, but I don't say anything anymore.

I think you should let him know how you are feeling on those days and then try to get past it. There are going to be so many triggers in your future that if you allow yourself to react to them, you will spend a lot of time in hell, and mostly likely as time goes on it will have to be your own private hell.

Just this weekend my FWH & I went through the area where OW lives and works and where my H met her. I found myself reliving where they would meet up before they would follow each other over to my rental house for their little afternoon delights. Looking down the street where she lived, where she lives now, where she works etc... All I said to him was that it was hard for me to be in this area of town. He knew exactly what I was referring to. I then let it go, but inside I was on fire with rage. After about a half an hour of being with friends, I forgot all about it.

Marital: You and Pep are helping me turn this around.

I felt REALLY recovered recently when I insisted my FWH get the ball rolling on post-nuptial agreement research because he NEEDED to do that to help ME feel better/protected, no matter what it made him feel. Felt very empowering and he did it. (FYI: I decided against a post-nup agreement after talking to my own attorney and her advising against it).

So, I think I should turn these dates back to him. On those dates, I want him to write me notes. The only requirements are to describe to me the kind of man he was on those dates (or what was going on in his brain) and contrast that with how he feels a year later. Lastly, where he wants to see us a year from now.

I will do the same, and then we'll discuss.

I want him to acknowledge his destructive behavior and think deeply about his hard work since. And to think about what I've been through, and the work I've had to do because of him.

I'm afraid if I didn't say anything, he wouldn't acknowledge these days at all.

Good plan or bad?

And Pep: Thanks for sharing the story of you grieving your father. I sympathize, having lost my mom, age 61, to multiple sclerosis in '05. Interestingly, this year, I finally turned that grief around to the positive and walked in the MS walk in her memory. A very good day!

I joke and tell my Husband that his timing of his A really sucked. He took away all my good days I had.

Thanksgiving - he spent more time texting her than talking to me. (didnt know who he was texting at the time)


Christamas - well you know about eve but also he went out to play in the snow with our DSS and sent her all kinds of pictures of them. I didnt even get one.

His birthday - 01/03 and spent the whole afternoon with her texting me whiel he was driving around with her (this was after d-day #1)

Our anniversary - 01/06 - He spent the whole day with her while I was at work (texing me also to "check in" proving he is now with her).....yea right.

All this with an A that only lasted 2 months from start to finish.

I have to make new days. I think Christmas in July next year :-). We will re-new our vows when I feel like I'm ready and use that date. Dont know what I'm going to do about his birthday.

We are together and he is finding every way he can to make it better but the days still hurt.

He was out of work and got "bored" while I was at work but I didnt buy that since he had emailed her several times about how bad it sucked that I had gotten off work early or taken the day off to be with him (he could not talk to her during those times)

Anyway sorry for thread jacking.

Jade, thank you for telling us it does get better. That does help.

Luvs, know what you mean: dday 1, during 15 yr. anniv. cruise that i planned (that's when it finally dawned on my that something was wrong). Had everything figured out within 2 days after cruise. Dday # 2 Mother's Day, Dday #3 2 years later 2 days after mother's day??

Probably correct. He might fear that any independent acknowledgement from him might trigger you.


It's good to write each other love notes.

LD: don't worry about thread jacking. this is a SAFE place to vent. totally relate to your stories of his texting. my FWH texted more than 600 times in one month and countless hours on the phone. hurt really bad to see that he'd be talking to OW, then I would call, then he'd call her right back. REALLY hurt to see that he would time his calls just right, knowing I would call around 10:30 on my break. god, I'm glad that man no longer exists!!!!!

i remember one day, we were at a sporting event. we were stuck in traffic and he was driving and trying to navigate with his new fancy smart phone. i offered to navigate for him, but he wouldn't give it to me. was really a total complete JERK about it. i was totally confused and thought he'd lost his mind ... we NEVER had arguments about stuff like this. Well, i find out later he was texting her during that game ... one that I wasn't supposed to go to, but ended up going to unexpectedly. again. JERKJERKJERKJERKJERKJERKJERKJERKJERKJERKJERKJERKJERK!

OK! that venting over!

Jaded: Thanks for the posts. Ugh on the DDays. Glad your hubby "gets" it when you've been triggered. Mine does, too. I think friends and laughter are some of the best medicine for triggers, too! :P