( from moi too! )

gosh darned wayturds selfish blah blah blah ggggggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Big hugs from me, too.

Neak beat me to it..(What does she have Radar or sumpthin?)

Scotty, what you said was what I would have said also to a scared young kid.

Yeah wayturds

You and your kids are in my prayers. Take off any rose colored glasses and take a good look at WH and the situation HE put you in. The situation HE put your kids in.

It may be time to pull the trigger. I tried to wait it out and now I'm in a horrible financial situation with D!ck filing bankruptcy and him trying to leave me with the joint debt.

The D process can take a long time. Mine is 2.5 years and counting.

The boys are lucky to have a strong mother like you. They know they have one parent who is calm and sane and together. So many people would let this drive them to distraction. Your focus is unwaveringly and totally on you and on your children's best interests, so great.

Thanx for the thoughts. Holy, it isn't going to be beneficial for me to file. When it is, then I will or when I am ready.

So, today, I was at work, and I was talking to that friend of mine whose husband is having at minimum, an EA with an ExGF. She said to me, "Don't you HATE WH?" I said, "No, I don't talk to him." She said, "Yea, but don't you just HATE him?" And I said, honestly and openly, "No, I hope that I don't." She was puzzled. I said, "Well, of course, I hate what he did, and is still doing. I hate the choices that he made and is still making, but hate him? That would do me no good. I DO get angry with him at times, because of the things he has done, but that's about all it is right now, since I don't talk to him."

I really truly believe that Plan B has helped me become this person. I am SURE that if I didn't follow MB, and more importantly Plan B, then I probably WOULD be a person so full of hate that it would consume me. That is not someone whom I wish to be. Something else to be thankful for.

I appreciate seeing your growth in Plan B. I can see the transitional phases you have encountered.

I have to move on from my anger towards WH. I am still trying to look at him as the addict I think he is at the moment.

Most of my marriage I tried educating my WH on his morality. WH please don't look at porn I don't want to raise our boys to think it is okay. WH please stop picking friends who are dishonest. WH please don't play violent video games. WH please spend more time with the kids and get off the computer ....

I am working so hard today to stop this behavior of mine. I have to stop trying to control the person and the situation. I am realizing I have to just put my boundaries in place and then chose those around me that will not want me to drop my boundaries for them.

It is so hard to still not try and educate the wayward today. I am trying to wrap my brain around the fact he only wants them every other weekend or basically four times/month. I asked him for some middle week time, and his response "The commute is too much. There is too much traffic for me to come and get them."

I cannot educate him on the fact he only wants to be Disney Dad. I have to let him go and watch him destroy himself in the eyes of my children. This is so painful. I have to grow enough to not own any of this behavior.

Plan B rules and I can officially say today I am so happy to be here.

This is so wise, my jaw literally dropped.

I did that 'please dont' stuff too. Funny but I was always torn between either thinking of myself as too critical or too soft on him. The obvious point literally never hit me.

This is such a gift, one I am enjoying right now. I too can honestly say im not angry with my wh right now. Ive put his choices and consequences in their rightful place - his side of the fence. This means I am no longer saying 'Why are you doing this to ME?' Rather I feel sad and shake my head and wonder why he chooses to do this to himself.

Funny but you cant know what plan b feels like until youre in it,

And it's so hard to watch someone not be in Plan B, or not dark enough, and see the pain they are going through, when I KNOW that it would be so much less painful for them. I am a real advocate for Plan B, because IT WORKS.

Sadly, this is pretty much what I think you have to do. Give wayturds lots of rope to hang themselves with. It hurts like hell watching our kids suffer, but in the end (at least for me), I KNOW I am being the best parent I can for my kids, making the best decisions I can for them, and raising them the best I can. Wayturds who are irreponsible and selfish suck, and I fully believe that someday the children are going to realize this on their own. Why try to help someone who doesn't want to be helped??

Scotty - I hear you! And I'm glad you're doing so well in Plan B. It's best to let go of the hate. I find I don't even hate POSOW any more. I sort of pity her for doing what she did to her life. I know mine will be better from now on. Having WS's out of our lives, however it happens, is the BEST thing that can happen to any of us!!!

PS. I'll try not say let out any more "eh's." Shhhh.....Canucks in disguise here......

In the interests of keeping this current, and whole, I am going to update.

There isn't much to update.

Received an email from my IM last weekend. I asked Bampot to purchase a backpack and shoes for each child. Response was, "Things have changed drastically at work and he can only afford to purchase one of these items." Also, he wanted to know if I was going to be taking the boys camping this August. And that he wouldn't be able to take the boys on October 15th. I already know that OW is a maid of honour in her best friend's wedding. Well, needless to say, I was TICKED. I answered back that a pair of shoes and backpack wasn't even half of what they would need for back to school, but I would be getting the rest. That I wasn't going to be taking them camping this year(Bampot goes up north to bring OW's D home and usually does so for a week, too bad, he'll need to do it Mon-Fri. And the wedding? I told my IM to pass on that I would need to be paid extra by Bampot(for a missed day pay by needing to take a day off) or he could find adequate childcare for the boys(which will most likely be my WSIL).

On Tuesday, the man who was bestman at our wedding, friended me on FB. He had recently found out about Bampot(my WSIL ran into him and told him). I have been keeping my communications very guarded, just to keep up my boundaries, but I did tell him about what happened. He was shocked as well. It makes me feel good that others who really knew Bampot are shocked by this. It validates my past.

Something has been happening though, and this brings me to the reason for the "update." I can feel it happening. I saw a pic of Bampot on FB and I actually felt NOTHING. It's scaring me to think that I may be coming to that point where I really don't want him anymore. I know, intellectually, that he is most likely lost for good right now, but there was always a part of me that hoped that he would "wake up." I won't be ending my Plan B, because the thought of being divorced is still not something I want for me, at the moment. I am not ready for it, yet.

I am re-mourning everything that I have already lost, since it feels permanent now. I know it sounds silly, and I feel silly going through this, but it is what it is. Also, my Taker is SCREAMING out to me. I actually CAN imagine being with someone else, although even thinking about it makes my stomach sink. I know I am at the edge of another change, since I am so scattered again. Boy, this personal recovery gig SUCKS(Bet MR sucks more, WOW).

Just putting my life out here, as I have been for almost 2 years now. Don't worry all, I am doing well, change is welcome, even if it's a little scary.

Plan B is GREAT

I was just feeling this way tonight which is why I came back on MB...

That to say i relate to so much of what you wrote there... including when other people experience shock, it revalidating that I did know him... or I thought I did

Well then Mehr, I am glad I decided to share this tonight. I have been thinking about it all week, but it wasn't until today that I was really processing it, and I don't know why.

It could be that Bampot finally did enough to my children that I have lost a lot of the feelings I had left. It could just be that enough time has past. Who knows? But I am going with it, because it is the right thing to do.

I have been praying about what I should do, and the message I have "felt" is to stay my course. I am continuing on my path, and trying to let it lead me to where I am supposed to get.

Scotty,

I remember when I hit that point. It is a milestone. I remember doing as you did, crying because I finally scared myself so bad b/c I didn't care, which to me meant I was ready to throw in the towel.

But to each his/her own, and you will know when to say when, but I still pray that a miracle happens.

It is so frustrating knowing that your wh tells you lies (more like sins of omission) about kids and custody and times. We all know that $ for the backpacks and such are going towars the stupid trek to ow's sisters' wedding. Plus he never says where he will be for the weekend when he can't take the kids (note: can't vs. won't...he WON'T take the kids b/c he is with the skankyho).

Even after our divorce, Darth would NOT admit certain things to me b/c he was EMBARASSED AND ASHAMED of what he had done. I remember clearly the day the oc was born. It was a week before my birthday. I still was not doing any child exchanges at my home b/c of his crazy behaviors. I was in plan D/F-U.

He showed up to get my son, and usually we said nothing, he would pull his car up to the side of my suv and my son would hop out and Darth would then put him in the car and buckle him up and put his little bag in the back. My heart always sank when that happened.

However on that ONE day, Darth behaved unusually strange, even for him. And this was from a distance. He didn't remove one hand from his pockets in his shorts. Deliberately. He walked around, opened car door w/one hand, the back of my suv with one hand, and then tried to buckle my son into the backseat with that one hand sticking out of his pockets.

I'd been around that man for years and never saw him behave so oddly.

I went against my normal behavior, and jumped out of the car and said loudly, "What the h(ll is wrong with your right hand? Did you break it or something? Why are you behaving so crazy? Take that hand out of your pocket."

I had a momentary lapse of reason (yea, I love Pink Floyd).

But surprisingly, Darth pulled his right hand out of his shorts pocket and I saw the hospital wrist band. My heart sank so low and I did all I could do to not burst into tears crying my heart out.

He looked at me and said, "yea, she was born today (the oc)." Not happy, not elated like he was when our son was born, heck he never left the hospital, our son was a preemie, but he was still overjoyed, handing out candy cigars to all our friends and filling my room with flowers.

It was sickening. He was truly ashamed. We had been divorced 2.5 months at this time.

I then had another momentary lapse of reason and screamed at him, "Did you think well enough to explain this to your REAL son sitting in the back seat? (my son was inside and we were outside so he couldn't hear mommy screaming like a banshee)"

He said no.

I said loudly, "Where's the cigars? Where's your friends? Why aren't you there? Why the long face?...(then a pause)...what did you name her?"

He muttered two names. A first and a middle and I almost screamed in agony as I realized MY XWH NAMED THE OC THE NAME I HAD PICKED OUT FOR MY SON IF HE WERE A GIRL.

I lost it again (another momentary lapse). I'm sure the folks at the gas station were wanting to tackle or hit Darth by now if they were listening.

I went into a tirade like I have never done before. "So you screw around on me and destroy our marriage and family and you get the ho pregnant and then you name the child MY NAME I picked out???? WTF is wrong with you Darth???"

I calmed down, opened the back door where my son was, and told him I would call him later that night, as I knew my son would be utterly confused.

Darth could not look at me in the face. He couldn't. He just walked over to his side, got in the car, and drove off. And after he was far from sight, I broke down in tears and had the biggest cry of my life.

So yes, I understand when you hit a point. That was the day all the love I had ever held, any remaining residual love, was utterly killed.

I drove home tears flying down my face and then threw up for about 2 hrs. I realize it was not the oc's fault. I actually always fostered a good relationship with her and my child.

But the day you lose the love is a day you remember. I know I did, Scotty.

Such a sad, sad story..... what a sad reality that sometimes loving marriages end in such painful ways...

As ussual, you are strong in the love dept, and of course that is what makes you such a strong person also.

The lack of feeling you have towards WH on sight sure can be scary, throw you for a loop, all that.

I will tell you a short story, and even though it was during a time when I was myself messing up by going out drinking and dancing, after my first separation, it still strikes me as a little like what you experienced.

You remember that my late wife was as far as I could see,(and many other too, BTW), was a very beautiful woman physically. Now when I met her this was not very impressive, because that alone can be a curse to many women, and it was easy to get spoiled, by men who were enchanted, and didn't think straight, and imagined them to be a princess, a Damsel in Distress.

Being a manager of women of all ages before, I learned that being fair and impartial was the way to go if you really cared about people, and character was the truly valuable thing, so I treated pretty women the same as everyone else, and saw beauty from within, as all were beautiful. It was a state of maturity I was proud of.

Once I got to know her, and heard about all the trials and tribulations she had gone through, and saw the woman whithin her I started to see her as beautiful. As time together in the first two years and the dreams we shared and the birth of my daughter unfolded, she became even more beautiful to me.

When I gave up, brought her drunken pregnant butt to her home state, still in my mind she was the most attractive poisonous woman I probably ever would be with my whole life.

One night, 1 1/2 yrs later, when I was out at a bar, still affected by what had happened, and not even realizing how much so, because I didn't go to bars before, this was a new behavior wrought from my pain and bitterness from what happened. (Yes I was going to make sure I never knew love and devotion again, I was gonna be in control, and I was a fool.) My friend said to me, "Hey look who that is"..It was my W, falling off the wagon she was barely on,(but she was on it), standing across the dance floor, watching me dance with one of the locals, and drinking a beer.

I had put her completly behind me. All that was left was getting the divorce and finding a lawyer that would help me to not have to fund her bullcrap, and getting the children from her. I say that she was behind me, but yet everything I was doing proved that she was not. Going out and wasting time and money at bars was not a version of me I had lived in when I was emotionally healthy, nor most of my adult life. I was living in a reaction and knew it, but my childish bitterness gave me permission, oh boo-hoo me.

This part though Scotty, reminds me of what you said. My wife meant little to me, and I hardly even recognized her, when I saw her. She did not look attractive, and later she told me it was because she wasn't wearing her make-up, but she never needed that before for me to think she was pretty, even when she was sick. Also I did not let it stop my evening, or draw me away from the woman I was dancing with, who was very interested in me, but as we spoke together a few times after, realised I was still really messed up over my W.

The point is also, that we still love our spouses, and part of us allways will. We had a chance at recovery, and if we had Dr Hs guidance, we might have made it, but we still rekindled some love that we had lost, and for a time were beautiful to each other again.

We, and I say we because both of us are going through the same thing, are learning like many do, to live with the loss. We don't stop loving them, but we stop needing them, to make our lives whole and meaningful.

My W is gone because of poor choices that took her out of this world, and along with that I have changed, from the man with a mission to keep her alive and well and happy, to like a man without a country, but I am finding my way back to myself, God willing. Your WH is gone also because of his poor choices, from your world you are keeping protected, thanks to who you are, and the protection of the fine people here at MB. You are also finding your way back to yourself. Either way, it is a nessesary part of our lives, and our love for them is not lost. Thats the beautiful part of plan B though, ( I sorta experienced that when we seperated way back when, because I still loved the woman underneath the alcoholic, but the alcoholic I hated), we can still love who they used to be, and who they could have been, and can have pity on them because of thier loss, without hating them, though they treat us with such dis-respect. They are lost in the end of it all

and of course...my short story turned into a novel lol.

God bless you Scotty and hug those boys.

Thanx guys. Today is OW's barfday. And I couldn't sleep until 430am. My stomach is turning. I have this "feeling" of dread. And I get to go to work, sending my children off with Bampot.

CP its funny you say that your WW wasn't beautifuk to you anymore. The last time that I looked at a pic of Bampot I thought,"why did I think he was good looking?" Weird.

Thanx you to these boards and to all of you for helping me get to where I am today.