I found out the my "soulmate" had a relationship which lasted nearly 13+ years. Basically, it started in 1990 3 years after we married and continued until 2003, I had been given some clues but paid no attention to them, until I found the "lone condom" got mad, confronted her in 1999. Satisified with her response, let it go. However the relationship continued right under my nose, IN MY HOUSE for another 4 years. It wasn't until a string of emails I read last January did the whole realization hit me like a full speed freight train. Again I confronted. This time it was different. Apparently 7 or 8 years had passed sincwe the relationship ended (she ended it because she realized she wanted to be apart of her family again) and she has been relatively model, accept for a few flirty, incidents, which again I wrote off as nothing. Since February we've been in Therapy, where most of the details came out. This made me so incredibly angry and left me feeling vulnerable. Therapy went on weekly for 4 months. It was torture since the therapist had this uncanny ability to make me get in touch with the rawest of my emotions. I finally couldn't take it anymore. I don't want to keep re-living the fact that I was on one hand a dedicated caring and giving husband. Yet on the otherhand the realization of being so trusting and then being so betrayed. Almost too much to deal with. So here we are, she want's to make it work. she realizes, it was a journey, but not worth the ticket price. She's reached out in every way to prove contrition.She says she loves me, she needs me to be a part of her life. I'm her BFF, her soulmate. I on the otherhand feel nothing. I used to say I'd take a bullet for her, Once I jumped in front of a rattle snake to protect her. I used to feel anger if anyone dissrespected her. Now, I feel as if I'm living with a woman who I no longer love. I feel as if the emotional bank account is empty, overdrawn. I go about my days and look for any bright spots. I try to take care of me. Sometimes I look at her and the face of her lover appears.(I know him, he was a friend) I, Most of the time, I can't look her in the eyes. It's too painful. She seems gratful I've stayed, that we are trying to work it out. The realtiy is we've built a successful business together, I feel that it reflects my life's work. Divorcing would destroy it, and finish me off. We have kids, they need us. I don't want to screw their lives up too. I feel as though I'm just along for the ride now. Sure we're intimate, It's like she satisfies this bilogical need, but I feel no fire, not like I used to. So now we are 2 people sharing a common life. Not what I envisioned for me, for us. So now what?

Hello Gar. I'm sorry you are here but I am happy for you in that you are in the right place. I see a ton of hope for your situation here. The fact that you are here shows some desire left on your part and your wife has stated that she wants to make it work.

Make no mistake, this will probably be one of the most difficult things in your life that you will ever have to encounter. It will take a ton of work and patience on both of your parts but I believe the goal of having a healthy, mutually satisfying marriage is well worth any effort taken to get there. Know this- real recovery is possible. Romantic love can be restored.

There are countless, helpful folks here that will help you without any agendas. Trust me- these people truly care, although they may be a bit blunt at times. I'm sure many will be along tomorrow. Many of them have been through the same or similar situations and have come through the other side with a better marriage than ever thought possible. Some have not recovered their marriage for various reasons, but their own personal recovery is awe-inspiring.

How long have you been married and how old are your children? How much have you read on this site?

The great news is that if you have come to learn how to build a great marriage, you have come to the right place.

From what I gather from your post, your spouse has had a long-term emotional and physical affair with a former friend of yours which she claims ended 7 years ago that you just fully realized this past January.

How did it end? Has there been any contact between them since? How were you at identifying and meeting your wife's needs? How was she regarding meeting yours? Just some initial questions. Look through the other threads and find the one titled "Thread to help Newly Betrayed Posters". Start reading.

FWIW, I don't hold a lot of stock in traditional therapists or counselors. I think Dr. Harley has 'cracked the code' regarding what it takes to have a great marriage. Your situation is not as unique as you may think it is. You are not alone.

Please read the concepts and listen to the excellent advice I'm positive you will soon receive. Then make a plan and take action. This is probably one of the biggest decisions you will ever make, so take some time to learn what divorce would really look like for you. At the same time, try to figure out what a real marriage would look like as well. They are both possible and you need to figure out what YOU want and why.

Again, these folks will help you with this process. Things will get better.

gar, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry this has happened to you, but there is hope. You are right that bringing this up in therapy was causing you to re-live this trauma. That is not the way to recover from infidelity. The way to recover from infidelity is to a) affair proof the marriage and b) create a romantic relationship.

Over time, the creation of a romantic, happy marriage erases most of the pain of the trauma. THAT is where I would focus all of your attention. Bring the body and the mind will follow. The fastest, most effective way to restore love to your marriage is to schedule 20+ hours of undivided attention meeting these top 4 intimate emotional needs: affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Here is an article that explains this policy.Policy of Undivided Attention

I would suggest getting the book, Surviving an Affair and reading it so you can understand the dynamics of the affair. There is also a workbook titled Five Steps to Romantic Love that has all the worksheets in it.

Gar, can your wife come here? It would be helpful if she could come here and we can help her lead your recovery.

I am assuming that you both NEVER EVER see the OM? And that if he is married, his wife knows of the affair?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Be sure to click on the "Basic Concepts" link in the red tool bar at the top of this page.

Please use paragraph breaks for readability. Thanks.



Do NOT kick yourself for not being suspicious enough.
Sometimes the "clues" are there but have perfectly reasonable explanations other than adultery.
Cut yourself a break here.



So, according to you, your most recent D-Day (discovery day) was 7 months ago.
Flirty incidents are never again "nothing".
Flirtation is a step into adultery.




Some questions:
1. What raw emotions did your WW get in touch with during this "therapy"?
2. What coping tools were you taught by the therapist in order to handle/survive the raw emotions?
3. Besides dealing with all those feelings/emotions .... what else happened in therapy? Was there any plan for marriage recovery discussed? Did the therapist advise any behavioral modifications for either of you?





Has WW made today's marriage a safe place for you?
Has she sworn off all male friendships?
Has she made herself completely transparent?
Has she offered up what we call "extraordinary precautions"?




Well, this is not exactly true. You do not feel "nothing".
You feel sadness. You feel outrage. You feel resentments.
You are in a self protective mode. Understandable after so many years of deception, you wonder just who the hell that woman in your bed really is.





Does OM's spouse/girlfriend know about the long term adultery?



I'd like to offer my sincere condolences for your loss.
That's what it is, a severe loss. A death. You are grieving the death of the life you once enjoyed.

Have you been to your physician and asked about anti anxiety / anti depressants?
Are you sleeping? Eating?
Are you laughing?
Are you crying?

And, one very important question .... Do your children know why their parents are hurting so much, their father in particular?
This should be discussed in age appropriate ways.

Stick around, I think this forum will be helpful to you.
God Bless.

If your WW knows you are posting on this forum .... watch the video together. If she is currently unaware ... watch it yourself.



[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

This is one of the worst case of betrayal I have ever read. It is no wonder that you are one of the walking wounded. She engaged in a 13 year sexual long term affair with a friend of yours and engaged in sexual encounters in your home for 4 years (having sex in the home is a very destructive symbolic act toward you). This is simply unbelievable the amount of humiliation and disrespect that she has heaped on you.

Have you been tested for STD's and have you had paternity tests done also. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think your wife would have been so accepting as you have been?

You are truly an amazing man to be so forgiving because I truly doubt that many men would have stayed. The problem is of what cost to you? Your post indicates that you have become an emotional zombie. I think you have a right to have a fulfilling life. Your situation is so unfair and despicable. I do not see how your wife can even look your in your face. Why did your wife even wish to remain married for those 13 years?

I do hope that you engage in your own personal counseling to understand all of your options. You have a right to have a future with joy and love and not a constant pain and joyless life. You should not have to suffer for the rest of your life. If you feel that you will be unable to overcome this emotional destruction within you then you owe it to yourself and your children to seek out a better life. I wish you well.

Thank for the responses,
Let me answer the questions posed by everyone so far so you can a have reasonably clear picture.

1. The affair was with my employee who was also a friend.
2. They were together for almost 3 years before we had our 1st child in 1993.
3. Around that time he moved away, but then came back to town 2 years later after the birth of our 2nd child in 1995.
4. We invited him and his fiancee over for dinner, the affair continued shortly after that.During this time he got married but the relationship continued,and lasted until 2003.
5. We lost contact with them for about 18 months because they moved away. They moved back to town. We again invited them over for dinner.
6. He started coming by my our office to say hi. She says she told him in private to stay away, he continued to pop in supposedly unannounced. This happened 2 or 3 times, until 2007 until they moved away again.
7. She says they have not been together since late 2001, but she gave clues that it lasted until late 2003. I feel the emotional connection lingered, even though no apparent contact after 2003.

8. When I discovered the emails in January 2011, I showed them to her (he was writing to her, but she was unaware since I intercepted them)Basically, he wanted to get back together.
9. I showed them to her, she was pretty open about admitting the relationship. I told her we had to confront him and his wife.
10. we drove to their house and showed his wife the emails and chronicled the relationship. he was not at home. (I paid a service to track them down)
11. Other wife felt something was going on, all along but says she couldn't prove it and let it go.
12. Therapy began the next day and continued weelkly till 2 weeks ago.

OK, here is what is happening now:

1. I realized therapy was destructive. She just wants to move forward.
2. I knew if either of us left for cooling off period. It would be over. We've never stopped sleeping in the same bed.
3. I have developed OCD over this, I struggle to get the images out of my mind. Depression was rough most days, My coping has improved. OCD is more of a challenge, but less emotional.
4. Our kids do not know, but I think they sense the tension we have. I want to protect them.
5. Our friends and family do not know, we have agreed that she will become a social outcast. Our friends/family see us as a model of the successful family. We have always kept our business and personal matters private. I was the 1st person she's talked to about the relationship.
6. She show's extreme guilt when we talk about it, she says she was lost. But also says why she did it. She swears no emotional connection anymore. I've concluded guilt has more to do with getting caught and how she hurt me.
7. I have asked her to stop all relationships with male co-workers, who I felt she had too "chummy" of a relationship with. She has agreed.
8. I realize we need to spend as much time together as possible, even when it seems too painful.
9. Our 25th anniversary is coming up early next year. I have no desire to celebrate it. She thinks we have to acknowledge that we are "still here"

Here is how I feel right now:
1. I feel like my life with her has been "fake" it's just a vestige of what I thought was reality.
2. I feel like she is a "fraud" which is why I can't look at her sometimes.
3. I can't look at photos of our past because of this.
4. I no longer cherish my most precious memories.
5. I have no empathy for her, she is planning knee surgery, yet I can't appreciate her anxiety over it. I have no desire to comfort her.
6. I find it difficult to read the paper or watch T.V, since the
infidelity theme seems to be everywhere.
7. I stress out about the idea of going away for the weekend, since the idea of paying to "feel miserable" doesn't sit well with me. She has asked several times for me to plan something.
8. Some days I want "pack it in" but I keep telling myself not to
give up.
9. I don't feel like I'm burying my head in the sand, I think I need to save my family and myself. But, I can't look forward. I have to stay in the moment just to survive. Something that is challenging, because I have always been a planner.
10. I'm conflicted in every way imaginable.

She was lost for 13 years? She was so lost that she had to have sex in your home for 4 years putting your health at risk for STD's? Clearly she never had any intention of being truthful to you. She sounds like she is very sorry....for being caught. Again if the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you? I am wondering if she continued this affair for 13 years because she knew that you would forgive her and there would be no severe consequences to her actions? I am sorry but one would have to be a very cold hearted person to do this to a loving spouse. Oh I forgot she was lost.......

Married - 1987---------YES
Affair started 3 years later - 1990-------YES
Condom discovery - 1999 (explained away .... How?-----(We used condoms after the birth of our 1st child as a saftey precaution, it was just a leftover)
Affair ended after 13 years - 2003---(I believe so)
Flirty "incidents" - 2003 to 2011---(flirting with other men at work and at a business event we attended)
String of revealing emails discovered - January 2011 (Were these recent emails or old emails? .... I suspect they were recent.)They were sent in an attempt to start up the relationship again. This guy never wanted it to end and also revealed some painful details.

Is this about right?
What years were your children born?-----1993 and 1995
Have you thought about requiring a lie detector examination regarding the years 2003-2011?-----Yes, but I don't think it would help any.

Some questions:
1. What raw emotions did your WW get in touch with during this "therapy"?
2. What coping tools were you taught by the therapist in order to handle/survive the raw emotions?
3. Besides dealing with all those feelings/emotions .... what else happened in therapy? Was there any plan for marriage recovery discussed? Did the therapist advise any behavioral modifications for either of you?


1. The raw emotion of having to share my feelings about the revelations.
2.The only thing I got out of therapy was, that if I didn't learn to control the OCD I've developed, I will get consumed by it and it will affect other areas of my life. The therapist gave me some coping tips which I use. basically they are diversion excercises. They work when I catch the OCD in time. If not I lierally have to ride it out until it subsides.
3. Her therory was to stop talking about it and learn to accept it and move on. she felt that this infidelity was pre-destined, since we both have childhood issues? The Therapist always gave her a pass ( for example, because she was neglected as a child, she craved the extra attention) My Wife grew up in a Country Club lifestyle. Also, the therapist felt I was needy, since I too was neglected as a child. ( I grew up in a single parent household, but was fortunate to live in a neighborhood where many of the families were very close, it was like having several sets of parents).
3.Other than the obvious, stay close, but learn to love eachother all over again. Not rush things. Be prepared for a long healing period.

Nice list. Very honest.

I'm "big" on making lists. I think is is a very useful way to organize thoughts. Especially when I am emotionally conflicted.

Did you watch the video?
What did you think?

What a LOAD !

So sorry that you have to endure this. If you haven't already done so, please read the thread my MikeSmile, titled Deception.

The situation you and him are in, concerning long term affairs by your wife with other men who were also your friend, are very similiar.

It might be helpful for you to see how someone else is dealing with the fallout of such a destructive affair

This is a complete waste of time and is a distraction from recovering from the affair. Look at what I bolded in your quote and it will be clear why. YOU didn't have an affair, did you.

I am appalled that a therapist would so glibly throw out the childhood 'abuse' or 'neglect' card as a way of excusing an adult's decision to cheat on their spouse. PUH-LEEEZE.

Gar, how are you doing today?

Today is the 1st day of a Plan A I guess? I spoke with her last night and asked her to try the idea about having a set time to spend together each week. No kids, friends, work, just us. She's all for it. She noticed I no longer wear my wedding ring on my left hand. I commented that it's just a piece of jewelry and that the focus should be spiritual and physical and not material.

I told her that "I love her" but I'm not "in love" with her and this was necessary to try and rebuild that feeling. She feels like I'm her BFF and soulmate. I asked her not to say that to me since it not only hurts to hear, but, confuses me. I don't want to get into conversations of "how could you?" or "why?" I really don't know if this is going to work or if my OCD will block my progress. I told her no long term plans, just live one day at a time. So far I've only read the basic concepts.

May I suggest you both take the EN Questionnaire

gar, Plan A is for an ongoing affair, and is the last thing you need. The plan for you now is Plan Recovery. Please re-read my post about getting undivided attention. This will make the greatest difference in the fastest amount of time to your feelings. [biggest bang for your buck] It should be spent meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection and recreational companionship.

This time together should be spent without kids, friends, etc, and should be the most pleasant time of your day. No lovebusters, no serious conversations, no affair talk, etc. Just a strong focus on being as pleasant as possible.

Did you read the article I linked above on Undivided Attention? This step will have the greatest impact on your recovery.

Gar:

My H did similar for 6 years, I know how you are feeling.

The answer to the why question for me was.......Because

The how could you question.........It just was

That was then, this is now, no one can change the past, you and only you can change your future.

Read Mikestillsmiling thread Deception.

Then decide if you want to remain married as a starting point. If you do, then follow the vets advice, give both of you some time and breathe, write, vent here.

I did a pro's and con's list.

Came out that while I was miserable for a long time, I had enough good stuff to sustain me, and that was enough to commit to a year and then I shall review things. That has helped me to focus on the here and now rather than the stuff that was that I can't change.

I am much happier and my marriage to WH is lots better. He hasn't yet earned the F for Former wandering H!! But we are on the way.

Hope that helps, thinking of you