Hi,
My name is Cari and my husband and I have been married for 11 years. 2 years ago he got back in contact with an ex girlfiend from high school. One day I came home to find his facebook open with a chat up from her. He was asking her for nude pictures. I was upset and hurt and asked about it. He got defensive and said he was joking. I told him I was hurt and wanted it to stop.

Fast forward to now, again I found his facebook open and a chat up from the same woman. This time it was alot more, saying he wanted to have sex with her, take showers with her, he invited her over listing dates and times saying I would be at work then. I was furious and hurt, very hurt. He also had a chat up from a guy friend from high school. My husband complained to him, about our sex life and going into way too much detail. His friend suggested that he "force" anal because I dont like it. I asked him about it and asked him to stop this kind of conversations, that it was really hurting me. He refuses, saying he's joking and doesnt want to give up joking with his friends. I tried telling him its me or the joking and he didnt care.

I am super depressed, if it wasnt for our kids, I dont know where I'd be. I see a therapist next week, alone, as he wont go because he doesnt feel he has a problem and its all my problem. Any suggestions?

Caricricket: Sorry to welcome you into MB, but you're in the right place. Soon, the veterans will help guide you through this nightmare that you're in, but the first thing you need to do is read up on the best plan to save your marriage:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb.cfm/3/194

Don't ask him any more questions. Read the basic concepts and then start planning to take your life -- and marriage -- back.

The vets will guide you. Good luck, and know that you have a sisterhood of survivors -- with their marriages and love -- in their lives.

I'm new at this, but from a guys perspective it sounds like he has lost respect for you and perhaps love. It seems like this is his way of pushing you away. I think the counseling is a good idea and you should be more direct with him concerning what this will mean for your relationship. No one should be treated like that. A marriage is a partnership and he is apparently ignoring that. I don't know any other way for him to wake up than for you to lay out specifically what you need from him and what action you will take if he doesn't follow through. Example, I don't feel like our marriage is in a good place. Please come to counseling with me to discuss some of these issues. If he isn't willing to go or to improve, then I think it's time for you to really consider separation. This doesn't sound like a life you or your children should have to endure.

Ok your first post and you are telling someone separate? ...

This is not a MB plan.....wait on the vets they will be around in a minute to help u.

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS FULL OF NON MB ADVICE




Are you laughing?
NOT.



Believe him. He is telling the truth.
He does not care if he hurts you.


Why?
There is nothing wrong with you.


Advice:

Instead of a therapist, go see a Family Law attorney.
Find out what your rights are if you separate and/or file for a divorce.

You cannot change your H's cold/cruel heart by seeing a therapist yourself.
There are no "magic words" that will turn your toad into a prince.

However, he might wake up once he sees that you are not afraid to say "NO' to his cruelty.

Serve him some serious consequences.
Best of luck.

econoguy, I'm sure you mean well, but there's a fair amount of non-MB advice in your post. Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site? Please do so before posting. I would also suggest you read the articles in the yellow box on the right of your screen.

Welcome, but please educate yourself on MarriageBuilders before posting to new posters.

Have you started your own thread? We'd love to hear your story.

I understand and am sorry for my quick reply. However if you read Pepperband's comments you will see that there was agreement on the plan.

Pepperband, thanks for your advice. You are right and its gonna be hard to do what I need to do. I see a therapist next week because my depression is getting pretty bad, I had a couple of nights glad there are no guns in my house. I need an outside person to talk to, to vent to that isnt a friend or family member. I will look into family law, thanks for the suggestion.

Pep, Im alittle confused myself.
Why straight to lawyer instead of trying to work on it using exposure and plan A? Maybe I missed something that you can point out so otheres reading can not miss the same thing.

I can see what he is doing is a form of abuse but aren't all A's?

Pepperband is exactly right and I suspect she might get the same opinion from Dr Harley. Her H is actively and shamelessly pursuing skanks on the internet while her mental health crumbles. That is a recipe for a very QUICK Plan A and then onto Plan B.

This poster is already depressed and is experiencing suicidal ideation. That is PLAN B time for sure. And it is always a good idea to see a divorce attorney when one goes into plan b to get legal protection.

P.s. Plan A for women is only supposed to last. 3 to 4 weeks when the BS is NOT suicidal.

P.p.s, I would DEMAND he end his affair today, Cari, and send that ho a no contact letter. Let him know today that you will not tolerate any further contact with that woman. Additionally, he should never be on the computer without you. He can't be trusted on a computer. Is this ho married?

Ok I missed the suicidal part. That is why I asked. Sorry I will butt out now.

He's talking to some guy that has suggested raping her. This is not any kind of normal affair.

Agree, dmh.

Hi cari sorry you are here but glad because this is a very good place to get help. The way I see it you have 3 options at this stage.


1) listen to the good advice here, take a hard line with your husband tell him to end the contact he has with this woman ( and demented male friend too) and ask that he attend therapy and learn about MB principals in order to avoid reassurance of this behaviour.

2) don't bother asking him to end contact just put his stuff on the curb and attach a nice plan B letter to his belongings (asking him nicely to stop his behaviour has not worked nor telling him about how he has hurt you). Get legal advice before doing this and don't threaten him with doing this just do it. Don't forget tell everyone what he has done including any and all of the skanks fb friends.

3) do nothing and carry on living a miserable life with a man who thinks he can do whatever he wants and thinks rape Is funny never mind scheduling slots for him and his Internet skank to have sex while your at work and probably in your bed ( harsh but true).


I know you are in shock and deeply down but you can't rely on this man to help you get better you have to take control of your life yourself and do something to help yourself come out of this dark cloud. I have been where you are and had to climb out of the misery by myself ( with mb support of course but physically by myself).

No matter what you are feeling right now remember that you are worth more than the way you are being treated.

Exactly !
And then calling it a joke.

I'm with ya, LD - I didn't see the suicidal thoughts in the first post, or that the therapist was for the poster's depression and wasn't a marriage counselor. It sounded like this is a immature, bozo husband with idiot friends who was having an EA. My poor reading.

The therapist is for my depression. I feel that I need to get into the right frame of mental health before I can fully move forward. Not only for me but for my kids as well.
Cari

Has WH ever hit you, or threatened to?