Forgive my lack of abbreviated terms. The short version is my wife had an affair with a coworker in early May. She worked directly with him after returning from maternity leave last fall. They first had meetings with kissing and heavy petting back in December, which stopped due to guilt. The emotional connection/friendship continued- emails, facebook, talking, lunches. My wife developed a friendship with his wife and their new child, born in January. The other man found a new job in a new state and apparently this brought some feelings about in my wife that he would be leaving (which he did in May). We were fighting more prior to the May affair (mainly some issues with my wife that she needs to work out, covered by our counselor). She eventually used absurd logic to determine that she needed to see the OM again. She told me she was going to his 'going away party' and drove to his home 40 minutes away to have sex (I stayed home with the child confident in our relationship). Apparently he sent her a text telling her that his wife was out of town and wondering if she was doing anything that night which prompted her to make up the story of the going away party. She came home that night as if nothing had happened and had sex with me. The OM eventually felt guilty and told his wife 1 month later, who then called me at my office to give me all the details...mostly skewed towards my wife being the instigator and pursuer in the relationship. There is a bit more to the story, including the fact that the OM, his wife, and my wife are all "christians" while I am agnostic (yeah for religious hypocrisy), but I don't think these other issues are as relevant.
My wife and I are in counseling and we are continuing our relationship for now. She is very remorseful, loving, and vows to change. She acknowledges her unfounded resentment of me and animosity towards me during and after pregnancy. As well as her selfishness in our relationship. I do believe she loves me and wants to be a better person and participate in our relationship. My problem is getting past all that has happened. Even though, by comparison, this affair was short lived and more of a one night stand. I feel completely different about my wife. I was her first lover and always appreciated that she chose me. I have always been extremely attracted to her and give her repeated compliments on her looks (most were ignored and returned with some "as if" comment). The idea that she would actively seek out another man and take the steps necessary to have unprotected sex with this guy blows my mind. I truly don't think I will feel the same about her again. Is this a short term feeling? Will I get the intense attraction to her back without thinking of this other person? I think I am over the emotional devastation and feel a better relationship will evolve, but the physical part seems lost. We are having sex again, but I just don't feel the intensity within myself as I did before. I also have a strong self esteem problem. Not as much in a lack of it, as in I deserve better and could find any number of other less flawed women out there. I assume time will tell?
Thanks for any replies

For readability ...... Even agnostics can use paragraph breaks ...

Take 30 minutes & watch this video.

[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

Are they still in contact? Have you exposed this affair?

You need to ensure they never see or speak to each other again in any way.

I feel very sorry for you. Your wife apparently had no problem not only betraying you but her new close friend who was OM's wife. I am not sure but I doubt many women would want to have sex with two different men within a very short period. How nice that you were the second one. I hope you have been tested for STD's.

I am wondering if the roles had been reversed if she would have been so accepting as you have been? Do you think it is possible that she was willing to engage in this behavior because in the back of her mind she knew that you would forgive her anyway? In addition, she was never honest with you and it was the OM's wife that had to tell you the truth. Something does not seem right about this story. I hope you actually have the full story.

The OM has moved away and they are not longer in contact, but were in contact for about 1 month post affair. Apparently because of the guilt that they felt. He is apparently a very religious person and even gave my wife a book on how to help our marriage through God (sigh). He was telling my wife that he couldn't bear the burden anymore and wanted to tell his wife. My wife was trying to talk him out of it, supposedly to avoid the hurt it would cause.

I think I know the whole story. The other wife beat every detail out of the OM. She then relayed all of this to me. Unfortunately, every detail including sexual positions and location in the home- couch, floor.

I have not been tested for STDs.

I asked myself the same questions about the affair. My wife has told me before that if I ever cheated divorce was the only option

It was painful to know that the OM felt so remorseful that he told his wife, but that my wife was fine with hiding all from me.

I truly think I have the full story, but so many details seem unforgivable to me.

It is good that you feel you have the whole story. It is amazing that your wife told you that if you ever cheated she would have to divorce you. It is sad that she tried to talk the OM out of being truthful to his wife and of course had no intention of being honest with you ever. I am sorry my friend but your wife has a broken moral compass and apparently had no problem in engaging in such humiliating and disrespectful behavior toward you. I do hope for your sake that your wife is not merely in damage control. I wish you luck.

I watched the video and will to have my wife do the same. I have also read the basic concepts. I wish we had watched the video when she was pregnant. I appreciate the understanding of the level of pain this causes, but I think the "just compensation" falls short. I don't have an answer for what "just compensation" should be and believe it is different for everyone. I have not desire to pursue another woman right now- perhaps because I don't have one fawning over me.

In my situation, I believe my wife feels remorse now, wishes to be everything to our marriage that she should be, and will be brutally honest with me in the future, as well as avoid any man she may feel close to. She has tearfully relayed all of these to me repeatedly and has taken an active role in changing.

However, this isn't enough "just compensation" for me. She says the only reason the sex occurred is because the OM was moving away and it was "closure", interest in having another sexual partner (since I have been her one and only), and physical attraction.

How do I get over:
-Unprotected sex with a man whom she pursued. I see it as a notch on another man's bed post. The OM can honestly say that my wife wanted him more than me.
-My wife hiding it all from me instead of feeling so remorseful that she had to unload the burden and tell me(to me indicating true remorse and respect)
-Continuing contact with this person, despite supposedly feeling remorse, even if it was guilt laden talk between the two of them.
-The idea that I knew of the friendship and her friendship with his wife. I truly trusted her and had no doubts, even when I came across inappropriate facebook messages (which I still can't believe I overlooked/trusted)
-Seeing her as a sexual object now and not as the wife that I fell in love with and the mother to my wonderful child (this one really, really hurts)

It has happened to a lot of us here. It is just very hard to explain.

My wife did the same thing gladly had sex with another man. It was the worse thing that had ever happened to me. Strange how they can withhold sex from a husband and gladly go with another man so easily.

All I can tell you is it takes time. I did divorce her but it was because I knew I could not let her get away with that. I think a big part of it for me is that I just could not see a life with her where sex would be anything but boring compared to the other man. I did not want to do that to her. How could she go from having secret sex with some stud and then all of sudden come home to me and have to degrade herself by doing that with me? That was not her words that is how I felt about it.

I did not look at her as anything special to me anymore. She was no longer anyone I desired. If my wife can just go out and have sex with another man and get to come back well that just did not seem right. So I know how difficult that can be.

I think you need to give it some time. This is a very hard thing to process. My XW lied every way she could to try and cover her tracks so if your wife is being honest that is a good sign.

More than anything I just wanted to say you are not alone.

Thank you IHadEnough. I haven't really pursued divorce yet, but it is still very much on the table. One thing that is different in my case is/was our sex life. We have always had sex 2-3 times per week, post child 1-2 times per week (it used to be "make love", but I don't see it that way anymore). I know she has a physical attraction to me and we have a lot of fun in the bedroom. This makes it all the more difficult to understand the incident.
I'm sorry for your situation too. If my wife were less than brutally honest at this point, I would be out the door too.

Thanks also to pepperband, thelostdads, and bryanp for the input.

Just compensation is not about getting back at you ww, you get just compensation by working together at creating a better and safer marriage than you had before this includes

Meeting each thts needs
Having boundaries in place that will prevent another affair
Being open and honest with each other
And other mb principals like avoiding disrespectful judjements and love busters.

Econguy I know your hurt is very raw at the moment and in order for your marriage to survive this betrayal your going to need to take it one step at a time because there is a lot to recover from and it can't be all done at once.

Take care of yourself and good luck

The rule of thumb advice given here is to not make a life-changing decision until you've had 6 months to absorb the shock, work through the grief, work through the anger, and learn more about how marriages can be saved.

That's not to say you'll feel different in 6 months, but you do seem to have a wife who now feels remorse, whereas many women take much longer to get to that place.

Learn all you can about MarriageBuilders and the philosophy for saving marriages after affairs. Whether your marriage survives or not, you will have huge amounts of knowledge to apply to the marriage you have now, or relationships you may have if this marriage does not survive.

Right now is the time to be vigilant and make sure the affair is dead, and there is no contact between your wife and the OM. She should be totally transparent with e-mail accounts, facebook accounts, phones and any other social networking services. She should never initiate or receive contact with the affair partner for the rest of her life. Continue to snoop and avoid getting caught.

The feelings you are experiencing are completely normal. You are in the company of many who have felt just as you do. Read about EN's (emotional needs) and perhaps take the questionairre available here on site. Filling each other's EN's can make a huge difference in how your feelings can change. Try to spend as close to 15 hours per week in giving and receiving undivided attention with your wife. Date nights, walks, as many one on one hours as possible, even though it may feel forced for a while.

Just don't make a rash decision that you may regret later...

SD

EG, just compensation does not mean getting revenge and does not mean she can wave a magic wand and erase the pain. It means that she takes steps to a) affair proof your marriage, b) meet your emotional needs and do whatever is necessary to create a romantic marriage again. Here is an article that describes JC: Just Compensation

Agree 100% with shattereddreams about not making any decisions about your marriage right now. [Hi SD!!]

econoguy,

Welcome to MB.

I apologize for the welcome that BryanP gave you. I think his ww divorced him over 10 years ago and he never got over it, so he sees just about every situation as nearly empty. I recovered my marriage using MB and therefore I see every situation as eternally hopeful. There's no way for either of us to truly know, understand and/or predict your situation....but personally, I think HOPEFUL is the better outlook especially considering that this program is an marital AND individual recovery program. Regardless of the outcome...YOU will make it.

Anyway, we are glad you are here. It's not a fun place by any means but MB saved my marriage and it can save yours too. I'm glad to hear you are showing your wife some MB stuff and she's following along. MB is often toxic to the waywards. They often hate it at first and some NEVER seem to grasp it. I hope she overcomes the initial shock and tendency to try to say "It's a cult" as many do and sticks around. My wife started posting here before I did way back in 2005 as a wayward wife and it's made all the difference for us. It was tough at first but ndoing MB TOGETHER is the way to go. Reading and posting together is ideal.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

I see that Mr Wondering continues to engage in personal attacks towards me because I have a different viewpoint from him. Mr. Wondering does not care how massive the humiliation and betrayal has been (13 year long affair and 4 years of sex in the home with a good friend of yours). Since he recovered from his cheating spouse then he believes everyone should as well. It is quite sad that rather than discuss each situation rationally he would rather engage in personal attacks upon me instead. How sad for Mr Wondering that for some reason he feels so threaten by my opinions.

I believe that each affair is different and should be approached at that level. It is up to you to decide if you wish to reconcile and you are able to get past 13 years of cheating. I strongly suggest individual counseling and seeing an attorney to understand your options. Only you can decide whether you will be able to overcome this betrayal and feel safe again in your relationship. I wish you luck.

Your questions/concerns are completely valid.
(Again, paragraphs inserted by ME for MY readability)



1. Well, unprotected, but, did they sometimes use a condom?
Most sexual affairs end up being "unprotected". Your wife's A is not unusual in this way. I discovered an UNopened box of condoms, which led to our D-day. My H and OW never used protection. Once your STD testing (and your wife's) are in the clear, this bullet point will eventually fade. Get tested. She gets tested.

2. Every wayward is a liar. Most do not confess unless forced to due to overwhelming "evidence". Again, your wife is completely AVERAGE in this regard. What will happen, given enough time, is that YOU will learn to trust your instincts again and feel confident that your bullcrap meter is set to accomodate even small lies. The average wayward continues to lie after discovery in order to minimize their sin ..... ooops ..... sorry ..... their adultery. The average wayward justifies their lies by thinking it decreases the pain everyone will feel. They are EXACTLY wrong. The lies are as painful as the adultery, in many cases. The lies are erosive to trust. And marriage without some level of trust is a prison situation.

3. Again, continuing contact is average. This is like an addiction for the wayward. Did you catch that in the video? The "remorse" that an ACTIVE wayward feels is actually anxiety of their inner conflict. This is not the remorse of a reformed person. My very own Mr Pep told me that he felt "remorse" while driving 6 hours to meet OW for their first physical tryst on Father's Day. Did he turn the car around and return home to me and the kids?

4. My H's affair was with the wife of his childhood friend. They were both at our wedding, and we had a very small wedding.
Again, this is not an unusual situation. This not impossible to overcome, if you choose to do so. You are early in this process where you are still searching for "the great why". "Why did you do this?" More on this later ..... but suffice it to say that "the great why" will not actually be the answer you think you need to recover.

5. This one is the BEAR for most WH's. This one has teeth and claws. This one will require more from you as a man than you ever thought possible. Because I am a woman, I have no first hand experience with this. There are many recovered betrayed husbands on this forum who will help you with this. I have observed that this sexual recovery hurdle is experienced differently for a BH. I will tell you, it too is RECOVERABLE.

This is not especially "different" than other adultery-affected marriages here on MB.

There is a difference between sharing your experience and injecting your experience. I thought I was actually much nicer about contradicting you this time.

You do realize this is a different thread? Econoguy's wife just had one affair for a few months. You are confusing your threads, Gar is the situation with a 13 year betrayal.

Mr. Wondering

I say, this is crap!

Moving away - Ummmmmm Not so much. Other people have moved away. Does she have good-bye sex with everyone who moves away? Better check the plans of all your neighbors, and be vigilant if any "for sale" signs go up where you live. See what I mean? CRAP.

Closure - Every wayward thinks "closure" is something they do BEFORE they close the door on their affair. Closure sex is just so commonly heard on the MB forums. Real closure is turning yourself around, and going in the other direction. Going AWAY. No way, no how is "closure" getting nekked and jumping into bed.

Another sexual partner - This means she was curious, right? Has she tried sex with a woman? A threesome? Again, this is a complete and utter CRAP LIE she tells herself ..... Her rationalizations are as "deep" as a kiddie wading pool at this point.

Physical attraction - Well, duh! Is he the only man (other than you) to whom she felt/feels a physical attraction to? I doubt it. Just CRAP!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If this is an example of how "deep" your WW delved while in therapy, you deserve a REFUND !!!!!!

You might be interested in this link.

Steps leading to adultery

Let me know what you think.