Very important!

You are most welcome.

I want you to know I see a lot of hopeful things in your situation.

Don't give up !

Did I read right? Did you indicate that you were, prior to the affair, her only sexual partner? Is this true for both of you? Is she the only sexual partner you ever had?


If yes...you were virgins until marriage than this is a difficult situation indeed to overcome. BobPure story would be most like yours as he overcame his wifes sexual affairs despite it having been untainted prior to the affair.

If no, she was exclusive and you were not prior to meeting/marrying, then, perhaps you'll just have to EVENTUALLY (not yet...but as part of the recovery process) begin to think of your NEW recovered marriage as untainted and anything that happened before much like you (and your wife) think/thought about YOUR prior premarital fornication as in the past. Again...this isn't a must and may not be right for you...but it helped me (NEITHER of us were virgins). I mean your wife saved herself for you and you didn't. That's got to play mind tricks on her when things aren't going great. Maybe she had some troubles with you sometimes picturing you with other women that she didn't ever share with you. Did you ever feel dirty? How would you have felt if she told you it bothered her or did you just not ever talk about it? Your wife wouldn't be the first "virgin" to commit adultery in order to expand their experiences. It's a big [bullcrap] justification and rationalization for people in that situation. I've got a little blurb on it if you want to email me I'll share the material with you privately (which was part of a larger set of materials I bought in 2005).


Mr. Wondering

Wow, thank you all for the outpouring of comments! This process has been difficult and this website and forum a wonderful help.

A few things to clear up perhaps:

I can definitely see how the affair started (just like the 15 steps of unfaithfulness). My wife had a great deal of unfounded animosity towards me post childbirth. Mainly revolving around the fact that breast feeding kept her from having much of a life, while I was not attached to a pump or a baby. She returned to work and was very unhappy with the new position they moved her to after maternity leave. Enter OM at the same time and you already have the perfect recipe. It started as a friendship, which included OM's wife (who was pregnant), and evolved to more. Not to harp on the religious connotations, but the OM was religious, even leading bible studies on marriage. My wife thought it would be good to consult the OM further concerning changing me to more christian beliefs. This is strange because we have been married 7 years and have rarely attended any church. I am not against church at all, and enjoy learning, I just don't believe in worshiping a deity. We have been going regularly since the birth of our son and I have never railed against the idea. My thinking is that the religious motives disguised the true motive of wanting to pursue the OM further.

They only had sex one time, in the end, when he was moving away to another state. He invited her over that afternoon/evening to say goodbye. My wife says there was no intention of having sex, that it "just happened" (whatever, what did you think would happen when you drove to see him at his home, alone?). There were meetings prior to this with kissing and one episode back in December where clothes were off and oral sex occurred. I have all the details from the OM wife and mine has confirmed everything. After that December event they apparently felt guilty and tempered their relationship for a few months.

I have had prior sexual partners, one long term girlfriend, so nothing to brag about, but my wife was a virgin until we started dating at 24 years old. I was never the guy that dated a lot. I liked who I liked and stuck with that person.

I truly feel her remorse at this point and that she fully regrets all of the events (wishing none of it had happened and that she had never met him- dunno if I believe that part). All contact is done- she even closed her Facebook account. My biggest problem is the history of the events unfolding in my head and whether I can truly "forgive", because I will never forget. I like the thoughts of the "new marriage" and having her more involved in our relationship- sans animosity, selfish behavior, and aggressive confrontations. I just don't know how to reconcile the points I made in the previous post and whether I will ever feel the same level of love for her again. I guess the next few months will help me decide.

One last point. We have an active social life with many friends around. I have been going alone to most events for the past 3 weeks and made up various stories as to why my wife is missing. I have told my closest friends, who live nearby, about the affair (both couples I have know since college). I am having a hard time wanting to interact with others as a couple. I am fine alone, or if my wife meets with her girlfriends, but the idea of meeting with our friends, those who know about the affair and those who don't, worries me. I can't place the reason for sure- judgement, hiding our affair, pretending/lying, how my wife will treat me in public. I have thought about sitting down with my close friends as a couple and allowing my wife to spill her guts in remorse in front of them. I think this may help me feel better about our relationship together and with our friends, but I don't know. Does anyone have a similar experience?

Thanks all again for the help!

E-Guy

I think it is about time for you to get started .... Recovery the MB way.

Download the EN questionnaire;
You & MrsE, both complete the questionnaires.

Then, download the love buster questionnaire.
Same thing.

You should have some pretty interesting sharing/discussions with MrsE after you share your answers with each other.

As you now know, the way to prevent affairs is to disallow anyone but our spouse from meeting our important intimate ENs.

After you complete this task, we can discuss the all important UA time.

EN Q

and then .....

L buster Q

Isn't it FANTASTIC that these are free for anyone to use?

UA = undivided attention with your spouse

Isn't it GREAT that sharing your questionnaire answers counts as UA time ????



Which is why I am asking/recommending you do those Q's first.

I have the questionnaires downloaded and printed. I have yet to review them due to a social event tonight. I was wondering again what other's experiences have been concerning social atmosphere with the offending spouse.
Per my previous post:

""We have an active social life with many friends around. I have been going alone to most events for the past 3 weeks and made up various stories as to why my wife is missing. I have told my closest friends, who live nearby, about the affair (both couples I have know since college). I am having a hard time wanting to interact with others as a couple. I am fine alone, or if my wife meets with her girlfriends, but the idea of meeting with our friends, those who know about the affair and those who don't, worries me. I can't place the reason for sure- judgement, hiding our affair, pretending/lying, how my wife will treat me in public. I have thought about sitting down with my close friends as a couple and allowing my wife to spill her guts in remorse in front of them. I think this may help me feel better about our relationship together and with our friends, but I don't know. Does anyone have a similar experience?""

Regarding social situations with your newly repentant spouse:

As part of the military community, we have social functions as well; some are obligatory, and others are for pure enjoyment. We also have occasional business trips that I join him on.

I felt strange at first, too. Since we moved here before I found out about the affair, and FWH quickly gave up the affair upon my discovery, the only person here who knows the truth is our chaplain.

I use the social interaction with others as a way to study my H. Does he interact well with both men and women? How does he conduct himself while we are together versus across the room? I have found it a way to make love deposits on both sides. Since he converses intelligently with both genders, with no innuendos or ribaldry anymore, I am learning to respect him more. From his point of view, he enjoys watching me, his faithful spouse, interact with others and he always states how proud he is of me.

It was hard at times not to interject the OW in my place and to be angry at the very idea that he was going to replace me with someone like her and still somehow manage to maintain respect and friendships in his workplace; however, over time, even those thoughts have begun to fade.

We also had a trip back home and our family doesn't know; again, since he broke up the affair quickly after I found out, we didn't tell anyone but a couple of my closest friends, although I understand there is some controversy over this with MB principles. It felt odd to be with my daughter, her husband, and the children, knowing that in the very recent past, he had been willing to forsake them all. On his side, though, he was with them, very mindful of all he had nearly lost and appreciating them so much. (When we go back for good, we are likely to tell them, mostly because we want very much for them to avoid the agony we went through.)

Over time, if you follow the narrow path of recovery, your relationship with your W will get better, especially since she is remorseful and willing to work at it. Use these social interactions as way to learn more about your W.

econoguy, a huge part of recovery is creating a romantic relationship in your marriage. GEtting there will require having an active social life TOGETHER, not apart. The sooner you get out there as a couple, the faster you can achieve that goal. And the faster you will feel emotionally attached.

How does your wife feel about telling your close friends? If you consider doing that, I would only do it if you both enthusisastically agree.

Most of our good friends know. I can't think of any that don't. Surprisingly, in time, you'll find that, if and when you recover, you end up being the "go - to" couple for your friends and any of their friends that end up in the same or similar situations. In fact, we've become so adapt at the MB speak that we can typically figure out issues before our friends even know their issues and gingerly offer marital advice.

You'll be shocked. Just about everyone has an infidelity story that has effected their life. People are generally pleasantly surprised and supportive to hear a recovery story.

Surviving infidelity is an accomplishment. Not everyone can do it. Hiding such accomplishment is depriving your friends the valuable lessons you've both learned (learning) and robs you of the opportunity to help others overcome their similar struggles. You have a unique experience and perspective the real world is lacking. As you move forward, you'll be shocked also at how oblivious people are to this problem and how casually it's discussed and tolerated. If you don't share...you'll forever have to sit their in stunned silence as you bite your tongue holding in your perspective for fear of exposing yourself (or your wife).

Your marriage was attacked by evil. Your wife made some really stupid choices that she's holding herself accountable for. She (and you) will proceed to rebuild your marriage and guard it from the next attack...which will come. Evil will attack your friends and their marriages as well...will you pitch in?

Mr. Wondering (sorry...finished and remembered you are agnostic but can you maybe see that your wife would be a more fun target for satan than you? The hypocrisy factor alone makes it all the more enticing)

p.s. - I'm not advocating running in telling all your friends and exposing your wife shamefully. A few friends I spoke with while seeking support during her affair and other friends my wife spoke to about it privately later in recovery. It wasn't a big group free for all discussion. It was a sensitive matter discussed privately.

Yeah, what he said.

T/J notwithstanding....
Affairs and recoveries tend to follow fairly similar patterns. Not every affair is "exactly" the same in every way, of course not. But the patterns are quite similar, and the recovery approach developed by Marriage Builders has a PROVEN and RESEARCHED track record - and works for many couples.

Unlike "counseling".

So econoguy, you are in the right place, and if you stick around, you can find answers to many questions here regarding how to recover your marriage and how to rethink what a marriage relationship can look like.




econoguy,

I don't think it is unusual for you to feel distant and unconnected from your wife following d-day. Let's face it - she nuked your world. It would be very strange if you felt no anger or negative feelings about that.


What you are experiencing now is when you look back on your relationship you are coloring the marriage with the emotions you have right now. You did not feel this way always. You had loving feelings toward her, and she had loving feelings toward you. The brain tends to make errors about emotions, and it will color emotions over events far into time - it will take today's emotions (if they are strongly felt) and paint the past or future with them.

This is an ERROR of our systems.


And you are experiencing this error, which is temporary. And this is why we would urge you not to make any major decisions at this time. It allows the error to pass, and for your system to catch up and work out the kinks after the initial shock. Gives you time to figure things out, so to speak.



By the way, this same error could very well be responsible in some ways for your wife's stupid obsession and fantasy of the OM.


We are built to be stupid at times.



SB