Gail, you are the obvious best fit for your husband because you are married and are the mother of his children. You very much can learn to have a happy romantic marriage if you use this program.

Also, his future with her is doomed because it began as an affair. 95% of affairs crumble within 2 years. There is no future with her.

OK, now for your mother (and for anyone else who tries to make you second guess yourself for Plan B, etc), you will have to tell her that your H is abusing you and it is affecting your health and that you WILL NOT discuss this decision with her any further.

If she doesn't get the hint, unfortunately, you will need to Plan B her as well.

I have had to Plan B my H's family because they criticized/debated my decisions regarding my H's A and it was setting me back. It has helped incredibly and I wouldn't hestitate to Plan B anyone else who tries to make me feel bad for not putting up with WH's abuse (or any decisions I make related to it like exposure...)

Hang in there!

I feel like a child. He is home and I am locked away in the bathroom. He just knocked on the door and asked what I was doing and I said I have a stomach ache.

I don't want to come out. I don't think I can keep it together. One thing he and my mother are right about is I am a very emotional person and wear my heart on my sleeve. I can cry at the drop of a hat and have never been able to conceal my emotions.

I could kick myself for not going somewhere after work.

Develop a sudden case of allergies. It's been my stock excuse for many years when I'm weepy, and I, too, cry pretty easily over some stuff.

Well it came out. He told me about his day, we talked about how hot it is outside, I told him about my day at work. I was barely focusing on the conversation and couldn't look at him.

Finally, I told him that I knew they had gone to lunch last week and that he'd been in her vehicle. He didn't hesitate and said yes, and said they met up with two other coworkers and had Pho at a Vietnamese restaurant. - When we originally discussed this coworker and the lunches I did tell him I wouldn't mind him going in a group setting, but the one on one lunches were off limits -

I told him it did not matter that they met with other people. He went into her car, just the two of them and he also failed to tell me they went out when that same day of the lunch we had an hour long discussion about her.

He tried being a martyr, he said I don't trust him and what has he ever done to not deserve trust. I told him this is not a trust issue, that this is a boundary I think should exist for EVERY marriage, regardless of history.

He tried with the insecurity approach, and I said that this was not an insecurity. This is a belief of mine and has been for a long time, it is one I adhere to myself. I mentioned to him that I have been invited to lunches with male coworkers, I am often invited to business lunches with our insurance reps and our accountant and I always decline the one on one meetings and choose to do the meetings in the office. I reiterated that this is something I feel is crucial for a marriage and told him once again most affairs do begin innocently as friendships. Most are not someone waking up one day and decided to go out and cheat on their spouse. I told him even if this coworker of his falls of the face of the earth tomorrow this would still be an issue for us because it is one that has been repeated.

He deleted her off of facebook right in front of me, and blocked her on his cell phone. He told me he will never go to lunch with her, or any woman, ever again. He said he will eat lunch at his desk from now on and brown bag it, and if he does get lunch it will be from a deli stand and he'll bring it back to his desk.

He thought I would be satisfied with this, but I wasn't. He asked why I still looked upset. I told him that we've already had this conversation, more than once, and it feels like someone is playing a broken record. I told him I appreciate what he is saying but that I've heard it before and actions are bigger than words. I told him that it would take a while for me to believe him, and that so far I feel like he's looked for loopholes to continue to meet her and has disrespected me by trying to play it off like it was no big deal.

He told me he will not delete any texts, that I can look at his phone, email, facebook every night. I told him that he and this coworker are together at work all day long and that they don't need cell phones, or facebook to keep things going. He asked if he needed to quit his job and I replied maybe to that. He looked rather shocked I would suggest this - we both know money is tight, and I am fanatical about budgets and planning - so I am sure the last thing he expected was for me to even consider it.

He said he will have absolutely nothing to do with her in the office as well as lunches and things outside the office. He said that he doesn't mind giving up the friendship if it makes me feel better. He told me I could come by his office anytime if that would make me feel better about what is going on, and that he loves when I come and meet him for lunch and I am welcome to come by anyday.

So there was no plan B. The closest I came was when he tried to say this was my insecurity. I stopped him and said I won't hear that. That he knew these were my boundaries before we married, and it has come up now twice since we married. I told him I am not going to change the way I feel on this as I feel too strongly to give in. I said he can be a single man, have all the female friendships he desires or he can stay married to me and respect me but that there will no longer be anything but these two options. I did tell him if there is a next time with a lunch, or a new coworker, that he will be choosing that over me and that I won't be able to live with that.

So basically I threatened a plan B. I thought for sure that last night I was going to ask him to leave. I never expected him to sit there and be so responsive. Maybe he knows it is wrong? Maybe he is just placating me?

If I do find another interaction between the two of them there will be nothing but plan B available. We've closed all the loopholes now, he's not only promised no lunches, but to just stay away from her. There is nothing left for him to give as an excuse from here on out.

You did great!!! I am so proud of you. And I believed every word you said.

NOW, please get a key logger on his cell phone so you can read his texts, ok?

Excellent! A bloodless coup!

You did great! (But keep snooping.)

Thanks you guys! I was thinking about your advice and what you might suggest I say when we were having our talk last night. I think it is what helped me to stick to my guns, and be very firm without getting angry.

I definitely plan to keep looking, and he knows it so if he were going to hide things he will have to be more creative. I do plan on stopping at his office tomorrow for lunch as well.

I am convinced he will tell her today why he deleted her off of facebook, and that his wife is cuckoo for cocoa puffs and insecure about their lunches and being friends. I don't care. I told him to go right ahead and tell her that we have agreed no blooming friendships with members of the opposite sex, and no going and doing things that resemble a date.

I am sure this woman is going to tell him that I am being ridiculous. Afterall she is the 29-year-old, twice divorced DJ who is so fun loving and extroverted and goes to lunch with married men in her office.

My hope is that she was really not romantically interested in my husband and once she knows this is creating an issue with his marriage will back off.

If things to continue between the two of them, I have no doubt I will figure it out eventually even if he is sneaky about it. Not to pat myself on the back, but I have been very good at figuring things out in the past when he tried to lie and hide them. I hate playing detective, but feel I have little choice now because he has shown me he will hide things and not be honest with me when it means he might get in trouble i.e. disrespecting me.

I a voice activated tape recorder I am going to put into his vehicle, although he doesn't drive most of the time. But he does about once a week so I might find something there.

With him blocking her from his phone she can't text him, and vice versa. But I will check to see if he changes the settings, and I will also monitor the phone bill for calls to her.

Any other ideas? I do plan to stop in once a week at least for lunch with him - I think it will be good for our marriage as well as make my presence known in his office. But I don't think I'll find anything out that way.

As long as they work together you will die by a 1000 cuts. Do you see what you are doing in this quote? You are degrading yourself because you gave him a boundary. You are disrespecting yourself and your marriage by assuming (may be fact) he is throwing your under the bus to her.

Is that what you want in a husband? Someone you assume will throw you under the bus for a skank?
Is this what you want in a marriage?

My suggestion is NC for life with him giving you EP's tonight or you will destroy yourself waiting for the next skank to come along.

I thought the same thing. Once I confront OW and tell her my four children and I love my WH and she just needs to go away she would.

Well not quite -- she dug her claws in deeper. Now my WH is divorcing me, throwing away his family, his homes, ruined his military career, and is now likely to move in with her once the divorce is final.

You can dream all you want that this skank cares about you. I will tell she cares nothing about you, your husband, or anything associated with you. She only cares about herself and her needs.

How to make her go away - EXPOSE this nasty skank to all ... EXPOSE to their work immediately and all her and his Facebook friends, EXPOSE and you may be able to save this marriage. Otherwise dig your grave, you are bleeding to death at the moment.

Tough~

My thought is to expose to her boyfriend first and your husband's family and friends.

Let her boyfriend know she is stepping over a marital boundary with your husband and you thought he should know.

I would hold off on exposure for now. If you expose to her BF, all you can really say is that they've had lunches together and the occasional text. Now, while people on this site know how dangerous that is, the world at large will say "So what? What's the harm in that?" They don't get it.

I'd suggest you snoop to see what you find. Can you get his phone long enough to download a GPS tracker? Check out the Operation Investigate forum for more info on that. We recently got a post from a poster who has given info regarding a free app for this purpose. I checked out the website and it looks legitimate, but I haven't tried it myself so I can't vouch for it.

Be ready to expose - just not quite yet.

Maritalbliss, I am on the same page as you. I think that is exactly how it would be perceived if I were to expose them and I think it could possibly even make things worse for me. If my husband has coworkers and people he knows agreeing with him and saying I am being ridiculous it will cement his beliefs and he may even throw the entire no contact agreement with her out and give me an ultimatum that I stop being "ridiculous" or he is done with the marriage.

Right now I am happy with the agreement he has made with me - IF he sticks to it. If he chooses to not follow through, then I will move to plan B with him immediately.

For the time being, I am going to watch and wait and try to make our marriage better (sort of a plan A) so he can see what he has at home and what he'd be missing should a plan B have to be implemented.

I will check out the GPS tracker and the investigation forum. Hopefully there will be some good advice there and things I haven't thought of so I can feel comfortable he is following through - or if not, I can take the next steps I need to.

One good thing is my husband sent me a text message an hour ago saying he is getting off work early today (they had some training to do) and asked if I would mind picking him up so he can ride home with me. He would have easily had the opportunity to stick around and hang out with her for an hour without my ever finding out.

And he may also be just placating you to get you back into a less wary position where he can continue to cake eat.

Gosh my husband was so loving and attentive when I put my foot down about his inappropriate friendship!

My mistake was I didnt snoop so i didnt find out that all i had done was drive it underground.

Snoop snoop snoop

Unfortunately, I do not think you should be happy with this current situation. From your description, intimate ENs (conversation, recreation, admiration...) were being met and he was keeping parts of this relationship secret because he knew it was wrong. Once that bell is rung, you can't go back. She will remain a threat to your M and most likely your H will stay foggy.

I am not at all surprised that your H agreed to all of your conditions. My H has agreed to everything I have ever asked of him while never really truly believing he needed to protect me or give up his SSL & independent behavior. Your WH is most likely just doing what he can to keep you from walking while he figures out his next step.

I think you are doing everything right for now, but (so sorry to say) I want you to brace yourself for him to continue the relationship. I hope I am wrong.

Okay, this is good. Assume he's honestly making an effort. (And keep snooping.) In the meantime, understand that there were certain needs of your H's that OW was meeting. Meet those needs. They may be needs for admiration or conversation. Check out the Most Important Emotional Needs here.

Also, understand that you and your H need to devote at least 15-20 hours a week to UA time(undivided attention). That's the most sure-fire way to ensure that you are meeting his needs, and he is meeting yours. Check out the Policy of UA time here.

Indiegirl: I just read your thread. First off I am so sorry that for what you are going through. Also, your husband sounds so much like mine. The over eager boyscout part especially. I do plan to continue to snoop.

Susie: I agree it there is a strong possibility that this won't end here. I am prepared to execute plan B should I uncover this EA is continuing.

Maritalbliss: We have had some issues in our marriage more recently. Last year and early this year I had gone into withdrawal and was no longer interested in sex, or being around him at all really. He had been depressed for so long it had drained my love bank and he had refused to get help. When he began his new job, he also started taking prozac. The combination of the two really brought him back and he has been happier since. I have began to turn around (before this EA began) my attitude towards him and sex with him. For a while he actually thought maybe I was up to something because I had checked out of our marriage - something I'd never done before.

Even though things had been getting better, they were not stellar. We were rarely going on dates, our marriage is very child centered, and honestly both he and I feel bored a lot of the time because we have no social life. He actually brought weeks ago part of his motive of befriending this girl was because she has a BF and he thought maybe we could all be friends since I have mentioned many times it would be nice to have couples to hang out with and go on double dates with. However, I told him I would prefer he make friends with a married man instead of a younger unmarried female.

The past couple of weeks we have gone on some dates, those were the times he tried inviting her along. I was planning the dates to try to get time alone for the two of us because I realize things aren't going too well in our marriage.

I do plan to continue the lunches with him once or twice a week. It's one hour where just he and I can go and walk around, talk and have lunch together. I told him we'd try a new restaurant every week and it would be a little adventure.

I am working on getting us more babysitting time with my mother, but she and my father have been having their own problems and she still has my teenage sister in the house who is a handful. So she's not always willing to take on my two boys, one who is autistic and can be challenging, and the other who is a rambunctious three-year-old. My husband doesn't have a great relationship with his parents, and they live out of state.

I think I could work on his SF EN, I've been doing better than I was before when I just didn't want to at all. But I think he would like if I tried to initiate it, which I never do.

Admiration would be a big one too I think.

I've sort of checked out on things he is interested in and often find myself bored when he talks about them. I think I need to be a little more enthusiastic about his interests and companionship is probably something we're lacking that could be worked on.

Gail, I agree with Susie 100%. This is not over. This behavior is very entrenched in your H and he is not going to flip over night. I predict this will go further underground, so please do not let your guard down one bit.

I am not impressed that he called you to pick him up. That is how I would expect someone who is trying to get out of the dog house to act. Don't be fooled by that. And be sure and continually search his car for another phone.

I am very impressed with how you handled yourself in the discussion last night. It takes that kind of approach.