[quote=NeverGuessedBTW: How about next week you write: We prepared the food for the bbq, we set the table, cooked the food, made a salad, and we had a nice dinner. (Yeah, I know you're better at it, but what could be more rrewarding than being "inefficient" with our spouse?) [/quote]

She put the forks on the table.

I get what your saying as usual.

Mike, you are doing some scorekeeping in your head. You have to drop it whether intentional or not. You can ask your WW to cook with you so you two build up the feeling of team work. You could let her fill that need for you even if she is not as efficient at it. This would allow HER to fill the EN of DS and give her the chance to do something women really value...feeding their family. Start taking turns and do not critize her efforts. I think after a while you will start to appreciate her efforts to cook for you and it may lessen your resentments a bit.

Jim is right on bout that BTW

About the anti DS, I would not be surprised if the cut in dosage was the reason for the mood swing

The chemicals it supply's to the brain are very pacifing. The other sources of supply are physical exercise and other avenues that are not easily recognized. In other words you wouldn't know why you felt calmer you just would and by the same token wouldn't feel the anxiety build till it was upon you

That is why they warn about stopping them abruptly and people have even committed suicide when they stopped

Do some reaseatch on antiDs and how they work, and the other sources you can supply the proper chemicals they give to the brain, what the chemicals do, and it will help you to understand

I have seen people go from agitated and worried before using them, to placid and spacey once starting them, to severly agitated when stopping them cold turkey,( violent). They are nothing to trifle with, they are a mood elevator and stabilizer, and as the name mood implies, you don't always know where it comes from

Ian glad to hear about her falling in love again. I guess the old adage applies, women can suffer if not given the right attention, and need constant affection. How many dear John letters have we read? It's really sad but as men our definitions of love are so different than most women, and with them it seems to be right now or they find it somewhere else, even if it is skanky

God bless

Hey Jim:

Thanks for the post. What is almost psychotic about this/me is I understand and absorbed what you have said because it was written here weeks ago by you and others on several occasions. And, its in SAA and the other books.

I know about ENs and how easily they can be met by others. I know about the fog of affairs and they are like addictions.

I also know how sorry and regretful she is. Her tears are real. She was capable of an incredible amount of deceit, but her apologies and remorse is not fake. I just know it. There is no feelings towards the OM. No contact. No interest.

And I know what drove her to OM and what kept her with OM was not real either. So trying to extract an explanation for why is futile.

We have another, whats it called?, recreation companionship activity for this weekend with the family and that make 3 things we've done in that department since dday. And that would make 3 things more than we've done in a lot of years. Not proud, just trying to keep the LBs filled while I continue to take minor withdrawals with some of the lines of conversation Ive started.

Roller coaster is on the way up.

Weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

CP-

Since you know about ADs, you may know the sympton I suffering from. My Dr. was going to reduce by 1/2 the dosage in Sept and could have fought the side effect of one drug with another, but opted to make the reduction sooner.

Yes, Im on the lookout for mood shifts but Sat's was too soon to blame the dosage reduction.

I did not stop taking the AD completely, just halved it.

******** IM NOT A DOCTOR SO INFORMATIONAL POST ONLY**** please talk to a doctor before starting any herbal or prescription drugs.

Mike, I just got off my A/D's and depending on what you were taking you can feel a differance in hours.

Effexor for example has a half life of only 4 hours that is why they push the extended release now. You are already on the down hill before your next timed dose.

Prozac on the other hand has a half life of several days.... in fact, some doctors will give 1 or 2 prozac to people trying to get off effexor becuase it helps with the withdrawl since it wears off slower.

There are several herbal chices also. Depending on what you were on, some block serotonin and norepinephrine, some just one or the other.

I'm off the effexor becuase of the side effects but still take an herbal that will increase my serotonin and norephinephrine naturally and only when I feel I need them.

Got off got back on them Mike. Roller-coaster rides are a given. Its going to take TIME.
Not to hijack CP Thank You for your input. I have told her it seems to do little.

There ya go Mike somebody else who probably knows more than I do about AntiDs

I just wanted to make you aware of the subtle effects of the drugs that might not seem obvious

The goal is to move off them eventually and you should be seeing someone who can help you do that also. I imagine what has happened has caused the PFC lobes in your brain to work overtime which is part of what brings on depression and that is normal in adjustments to circumstances

I think of that old saying,"I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy", and I equate that with any tragic shock that people go through. The dealing with the issues emotionally will be the real refief, and it will take time even after the circumstances are relieved

It takes time mike, and joint effort from both of you, to rebuild what you have lost, and it is more possible than you might imagine now. You will see in terms of months and years not weeks, how much you are winning in this fight for your wives heart and soul. That is the true joy you will receive, is that you loved her that much, and were strong through this time. That nobody can ever rob you of

Keep the faith brother

Trust in the MB plan to rebuild romantic love. It's what being married is all about right? Otherwise we would mate like monkeys and abandon each other every two years. Even gorrillas do better than that

If I were you I would deny any place in my mind that professed anything negative about my marriage, and handle this like any other challenge to my relationships. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, she is still yours, clean each other up in the blood of the lamb

God bless

I would not recommend implementing any herbal medications while on a prescription medication without first consulting a physician. The effect, especially when dealing with neurotransmitters or adrenal hormones can be disastrous. Also; medications dealing with adrenal hormones (epinepherine/norepinephrine) have a systemic effect, so you will want to exercise caution if you have cardiac or vascular problems or take BP or cardiac medications.

"Herbals" are STILL drugs, unregulated in most cases. Realize that most pharmaceutical meds are just isolated and synthesized chemicals found in plants.

Oldest example; aspirin (acetyl salicylic acid) was discovered in willow bark.

I agree just wanted to point out that you can see a drop in effect that quick. Also every drug works differently with each person so your doctor might switch you.

I could tell a difference between generic and name brand. My body was just that sensitive to them.

Oldest example; aspirin (acetyl salicylic acid) was discovered in willow bark.

Not to mention barley provides us with single-malt Scotch whisky!

Ahhhhhh, nature!

Some days, this is easy. Most days, its impossible. Before our relationship was steady, without any issues, and was moving along nicely. Today, we are on the high seas rocking way up and way down depending on whats going on in my head. She said last night that she has her moment during the day when shes alone and is moved to tears over what she did. She says everyday right around 3, she hides and cries about how she hurt her kids and me and how close it came to losing everything. I believe her. Her self worth is so low still.

So between my depression and anxiety and her versions of the same, taking your advice is hard. Im having a harder time than she is at focusing on the positives. But were getting there.

T&P.

Posted by MSS on 24 July:

We have another...recreation companionship activity for this weekend with the family

We are looking forward to great, celebratory reports from you after the event, MSS.

You know the drill by now:

1 - Remember you and she are now on the same side, working the problem to a successful resolution.
2 - The AO monster stays caged.
3 - Any doubts, triggers, memories, etc, etc, that start to intrude are to be squashed under the paradigm of your recovery plan.

Have a great weekend, MSS!

Hey all,

Nice weekend. Great time had.

One of the things our marriage lacked from early on, was public displays of affections. Truth is my parents and her parents werent outward in their affection so perhaps its what made us. Since dday, however, this has improved and we both have enjoyed it and we have done our best to avoid it being or looking forced. For instance, it could look odd to friends who never seen it to all of a sudden see her sitting on my lap or me grabbing and kissing. And, we dont want to it to be a "thing" that someone asks about.

We spent this weekend with a couple other families and both the other couples were very "kissy". Or at least a lot more than me and my wife were/are. And I know the past is passed, but I think about all the years how we never did that and in some small way, if we were more kissy than maybe she'd be less inclined or at least felt some guilt about her A. And, I have regrets because its fun to grab her and hold her and get and give kisses and hugs. I want our kids to see this more because its part of a healthy relationship and if they are not doing it when they get into relationships, it may mean they are not in a healthy one. Like their parents werent.

She and I spoke about it.

But a good weekend nonetheless.

mss

Had first contact with OMW in 2 months. She emailed asking if my wife was working at a day care center she is considering for her kid. My wife was working there part time before dday and full time after. So, in effort to have no chance for contact with OM or OMW, OMW reached out to me.

I called OMW and spent a few mins on the phone with her. I dont think she is doing as well as I. Its a testament to openness and honesty and I really believe Ive gotten 100% committment from my wife to it and OM is still living his lies.

I again walked the high road with her not blaming him strictly and I urged her to keep seeking the truth. I fear she cannot get what she needs and is ready to walk with her baby from him. Much of the A happened in her house and probably her bed. Its got to be tough being in that house.

She did concede he went out of his way to be with us on our Sunday dinners over the years. He had a intense need to be with my family. Whether it was to be near my wife or he just didnt want to be alone with his wife is debatable, but OMW said she asked him dozens of times over the years if there was something between OM and my FWW. Hed always say "nothing to worry about". He loved my wife's neediness and got off on providing things. My wife did nothing to dissuade these feelings. She got off on being catered to, Im sure of it.

I did feel a little better about my situation after hearing about her's. Sorry to say.

Over a week since my last post and Im in a rut. Call it the roller coaster way down or whatever, but Im not in a good place. Ive been fighting these images and feelings and kind of thought Id be in a better place what with my FWW completely on board with the recovery and no recovery obstacles on her end.

Its interesting as I spend more time reading other BH's stories that how upset they are over one night stands, email based affairs, or even 3-week flings. Yea, Ive seen a couple where the W has multiple affairs over many years, but in most cases so did the H. These folks had lousy marriages most of the time anyway.

I was a faithful husband who apparently is guilty of not providing some BS material things my shallow W got from someone else for many years.

Reconciling what my wife did makes her evil. I have no concern that she'd do it again. Whooppee!!! The damage is done.

This is a long road to hoe. (so to speak)

MSS: I, too, pore over other people's stories and am thankful that mine is, well, mine. As bad as my FWH's affair was to me, it's not as bad as some out there.

Still, I get down some days, and my DD was last November, so it's been awhile. What helps me keep moving forward is working the program and knowing that the vets say it can take up to two to five years to fully recover. I believe it, still feeling the searing sting of pain every once in awhile.

But then I take a deep breath and consider all we've done to recover, and all the work my FWH has done to shore up his weak boundaries. He's a better man today than last year. Yes, I wish he could have come to this place without ripping my heart out, but ... I have to focus on the future, and my future is with him.

I suspect yours is with your wife, too. Wishing you a better day!

The way you are needing to vent is no different then the way other's feel after Dday.

I will share an interesting observation from years of reading.
When a BH decides to recover they always say what WW did during her affair could of been worse.

You see for every BH1 that had a WW that had a ONS says Thank God it was only a ONS.
Because BH2 had a WW that did her OM over the course of 6 months.
BH2 then says the same about BH3, his WW did OM several times a week for 2 years.
BH3 TG my WW didn't have an OM1 and OM2 because BH4, did you here about him, BH4's WW gave him an OC.

Every BH's pain is not lessened by the fact that their WW could of brought up to the next level and didn't.

They decide to recover and most likely would of recovered regardless of how far their WW went with the affair.

Here is a link to Bob Pure - he is a BH.

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