Dmh, I agree. Wayturds suck AZZ.

Got home from my parenting class, which wasn't what I thought it would be. It was depressing.

When I got home there was a message from my IM. WH is wondering what the next step is. IM is going to give him my list of conditions. I told my IM I wasn't supposed to know this unless he agreed to the list, but I guess he misunderstood. If this turns out to be nothing, I'll make sure he clearly understands this for next time. If there is a next time. If he does agree....what next? Is there a plan for that?

No next time. That is the plan. Your IM is to NOT tell you anything except that WH has accepted Plan B letter conditions to the letter.


No "next time" is the plan for that.

You wrote a Plan B letter that outlines your conditions? Yes?

Hugs to you, dmh. Didn't mean to be harsh.

No, no, and no. And, no. Stay strong in Plan B

If your WH agrees to your conditions, you would see a NC letter. You would mail it. NC is a FIRST. Until there is NC, there is NC with YOU.

This is the reason that you shouldn't know when he talks to your I'm. And was he actually talking about reconciliation or was he talking about where is this heade? Because that is 2 different things.

I was in such a state and things happened so quickly that there was nothing in my plan B except for no contact for life. I was learning the ropes around here (still am) Here was my plan B letter:

Dear WH,
The last week or so that we�ve spent together has been so bittersweet to me. I�ve missed you so much. I�ve missed snuggling up to you and running my fingers along your body and through your hair. I�ve missed kissing you. I�ve missed your smile and laugh. I�ve missed the time we spend together as a family. So it�s with a heavy heart that I write this letter.
I love you so much, but I just cannot play family with you any longer. I want to be able to walk through the park with you, not two feet away, but right next to you. I want to hold your hand and let everyone know that you are my husband and I�m proud to be your wife. I want to stop in the middle of the path and kiss you until the kids tell us �Ew, gross�. I want to want to lay with you in our bed and not have to stop because the kids walk in. I want to make love to you. This just isn�t good for me or the children. I cannot stand the pain, so I have decided that I will not see or talk to you anymore until I know for sure that your affair is over and you can commit to no contact for life with her, as well as rebuilding our marriage. From now on, when it�s time for you to pick up/drop off the kids there will be someone there. It will probably be A for the most part. Also, please go through A if you have any questions for me or if you need to get information to me. His cell phone number is #-###-###-####.
I hope you understand that I am not doing this to hurt or punish you, but to protect my feelings for you and my heart. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. If there comes a point where you have decided that this marriage is something that you want and you are willing to take measures to restore it, please let A know. In the meantime, I will still be doing things to protect the kids and I. Please know that I am only doing what is in our best interests.
I want you to know that no matter how bad things have gotten or were, God put us together for a reason. I believe He wants us to have a life so much better than we ever dreamed of and be an awesome testimony to Him. I am committed to putting our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I want to give you everything you need and more. I want to spend my life with you and grow old together. I love you with all of my heart.
DMH

I just recently made my list of conditions and handed them off to my IM:

These requirements are to ensure that you are serious about recovering our marriage and to help rebuild trust. These are not negotiable.

1. Agree to no contact with her and her family for life. A no contact letter will be written by hand, I will read it, and approve. It will either be sent in the mail by me or hand-delivered by me, ensuring that she has gotten it.

2. A full panel of tests for STD's including HIV.

3. A post-nuptial agreement will be signed.

4. Full transparency. All questions about the affair that need answered will be answered truthfully and in my own time. A polygraph will be administered if deemed necessary.

5. Accountability. Disclosure of cell phone records, passwords, emails, etc. GPS installed on phone.

6. Replace FB/Myspace with more appropriate comments and close accounts. A family account can be made.

7. A fresh start. Get rid of everything except for sentimental things regarding father, etc. New home, cars, phone, clothes, EVERYTHING.

8. Going to a marriage counselor of my choice.

9. Agree to a plan to rebuild the romantic love in our marriage.


My IM is going to give these to my WH tonight. I'm not going to hold my breath, but I am surprised he got over his exposure anger so quickly.

Exactly what Scotty said.

Don't confuse the 2. "Where is this headed?" is a fishing expedition and self-protective Bullcrap that he'll spit and sputter to others. Not you.

If he's actually ready to reconcile, he'll agree to the NC letter, conditions of, and everything you have in your Plan B letter. No less and with no exceptions.

I crossed over -- you'll get excellent help with your letter soon!

((dmh))!

You rock.

Like I said, he doesn't know about the no contact letter. He will tonight when my IM gives him my conditions. Now, he doesn't know HOW to write a no contact letter. I would like him to use the one in the book. How am I supposed to do no contact when I am supposed to read and mail the letter?

I'm still learning how things go around here. Sometimes when I think I have things figured out, it turns out I misunderstood things. All of this happened so fast. It's only been a month since my WH even started to TALK to me. I've done plan A, plan B, exposed, and tried to follow all the rules. It's all been so fast. I'm reading as much as I can, but I can't take in the info as fast as I need it, it seems.

No, I believe you were in the right thread. He asked my IM what the next step was. My IM's instructions are to give him my list of conditions. Only I wasn't supposed to know that any of this was happening until he actually agreed to them. It's my fault my conditions weren't spelled out in my letter. I didn't completely understand how to write it and everything was happening so quickly.

Does WH mean....'where is this headed, once we are divorced, can we be one big happy family at that point?'

It might be that.

Please do not get your hopes up. Have hope but be prepared for this.

I'm not sure where anyone got "where is this headed". What I said is he asked my IM what the next step was. All he knew was that he was to contact my IM when he was ready to agree to no contact for life and was willing to repair our marriage. I *think* the comment he made was appropriate for the information he had.

If he does tell the I'm that he is ready to meet ALL of your conditions, you are going to look for actions and not just words. Come on here and ask for advice. You will have time

Thank you Scotland. I just really wasn't expecting this. My hopes aren't even really up. I'm just sort of shocked. Last week he was threatening my friends and family and now this. I'm so sick of being on a roller coaster. I will definitely make it clear to my IM that he's not to tell me until he agrees to the conditions from now on. I thought he understood that, but I guess not. Still very thankful to have him doing it at all.

dmh,

OK, gotcha. Let me try to reset where you are. I've been reading for 3 years, so I've got some time on you.

No Contact Letter: this is a letter that a repentent wayward that is commited to RECOVERY willingly sends to the other person (OW or OM) to end their contact for LIFE. YOU, the BS (betrayed spouse) approves the content of the letter, and YOU, the BS mails it yourself. No email, no text, but good old U.S. mail with a reciept.

Plan B Letter: explains to the WS the conditions that YOU require for the WS to return to the marriage. A PART/condition included in your Plan B letter is that your WS will send a NC letter (above) with you approval of content.

Now, read up on Plan B here, OK? You, I think are just starting Plan B, but have you sent the letter? There are many examples of Plan B letters, and it'll help make more sense of the order.

Plan B letter is a love letter from you to your WH, but very carefully drafted.

I am sorry...I thought you'd done your Plan B letter!

OK, again...I am a sloowwww typer.

And, behind!

I did! I gave the one that I posted on here to him on June 26th. It did not include all the things I needed him to do because I didn't completely understand the concept but needed the letter NOW. Everything happened so quickly. She broke up with him around the 7th of last month. He started talking to me civilly which was the first time in 5 months. After talking we did Father's Day together as a family. I did plan A as best I could, but I was just so hard because I was just so numb from 5 months of hell. We talked more that week. Then that weekend was my plan A finale into plan B. I gave him the letter. I had JUST found this site. I did not have enough information, but needed to act quickly for the kids and I. My plan B letter was not written with the conditions the way it should have been. I didn't understand that part. I did have that he was to not contact her for life, but nothing about the no contact letter. That's why I made up the list of conditions listed above. I gave them to my IM the other day so that he had them in case my WH expressed an interest in coming back. I'm sorry everything is so screwed up. I did the best I could with the info I had learned in the short time I had.

If he agrees to the no contact letter. Am I able to show him the letter in the book. Can he just copy that one? Part of me wants to hand deliver it to the girl at her work. I think her getting it at work is the best chance of her actually getting it at all. Maybe we could go into the job together and he could give it to the HR lady to give to her. The reason that mailing it is probably not an option is that she is probably living with her mom. I'm not entirely sure if her mom saw the letter if she wouldn't throw it away herself.

It's okay, Surfer. I'm just so thankful you are taking the time to help me. All of you for taking the time to help me. It means so very much to me, and clearly, the advice is working. Maybe he's not going to reconcile, but he moved past the anger pretty quickly.