Well of course he worked past the the anger from exposure quickly, they ALL do. There are so many things that they all do and it is scary how the vets can tell you what they will do.

I would say that when you talk to him about the letter, you should tell him what is needed and give him examples from this site.

I still think you are getting a bit ahead of yourself though. MANY WHs do these attempts at reconcilling before they really go through with it fully. They are hungry for their CAKE and you are their way to get it.

If he does want to reconcile, you will have time to come on here and ask for some help. Him receiving the conditions should give him a clearer picture of what he is going to need to do to recover with you. What will be vitally important at that time is to NOT break Plan B. Make him KNOW that you are serious about what you are expecting him to do.

I'm rooting for you and hope that this is going the right direction, but make sure before you break plan B that he is really serious!

Thank you all. :o)

I thought I had read that the WH was angry about exposure until the fog has lifted. I didn't realize it happened so quickly. That's why I'm shocked.

Believe me, I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch. I can't not be a little excited, but mostly I just feel cautious. I wonder what kind of game he is playing. Maybe they are/were broke up and I destroyed any hope he had left of getting back together. Who knows.

So what you guys are saying is he needs to write this no contact letter without me around? Do we then meet up for me to read it and send it to her? I guess I always sort of pictured him writing it with me around since I had to read it anyway. So once he sends the letter is it okay to start "seeing" each other?

I know none of this may even matter at this time, but I need to know in case it ever is the "real thing".

This is an "art" not a science - so there is no logical step-by-step instructions.

You might have more success if you give him a little direction and collaboration with the No Contact Letter. He would be understandably lost on how to develop one that doesn't apologize to the OW. The content of that letter is to start making reperations to YOU - not to tell her that he's sorry.

When the wayward is left on their own they often "screw up" their first attempts at this. They write a letter that says they are sorry that this is how it has to be....or they send the letter on their own without you getting to read it...or they try to negotiate their own version of closure.

So if/when your IM informs you that he wants to meet your conditions - it might be a very good idea for you to meet with him to assess his level of remorse. If you do not get a big apology/[censored]-kissing at that meeting - go promptly back into Plan B. If he instead tries to manipulate, negotiate, gaslight -- get the heck out of there and Plan B until he's serious.

Lexxxy,
That's exactly how I feel. He's always needed some sort of guidance in doing things. Lists...suggestions...schedules....that sort of thing. Sometimes (a lot of the time) I felt like his mother. I certainly cannot and WILL NOT do all the work in this recovery, or it's never going to work. But a little help, especially at the beginning...I'm willing to do that as long as I know that he is being real.

I was thinking maybe we could meet for coffee or something. My kids are going to be at camp this week and all I'll have is the baby. It would be much easier to find a babysitter for just her. And not having the kids involved this time is a MUST.

Again...I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but it's hard not to. I'm a big planner and like to be prepared for whatever comes my way.

Please pay attention to Lexxxxxxy, she's well versed in MB.

Thank you, Pepper. She DOES seem very knowledgeable. :o)

I think you misunderstood a little about when the anger from exposure would and could lift. Some WSs get over the anger more quickly, but it doesn't necessarily mean that marital recovery is possible at that time. Your WH needs to be willing to change, A LOT.

The best thing that you can do for yourself, your WH and your marriage is to keep your bar for recovery HIGH. Don't waiver on what it is that you need him to do to recover. If you do, you risk a false recovery, and it would be a lot worse than anything you have experienced thus far.

I guess I did misunderstand. I'm still learning a LOT. Lots of times things don't sink in either because so many things going on in my head. From my kids, to what to do about EVERYTHING, to emotions, to him, I just can't digest everything.

I completely agree. I will not compromise anything on my list. After what he has done to the kids and me, it shouldn't be hard for him to do. This list is on my terms, not his. I also want him to be fully on board to recovery. There is no way I can do this on my own. He doesn't have to profess that he's madly in love with me, but I need to know that he is whole-heartedly in this. I will accept nothing less. If it seems that he's less than passionate about this, then I'm going to let him know that I am not closing the door, but that he's clearly not ready to enter and that it's time for me to go.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

I'm hating my WH so much at the moment, I want this over with ASAP! I just found out he's still very actively involved in the affair.

Well, it looks like he's home. He agreed to no contact. The letter has been mailed. He's agreed to EVERYTHING on my list and we are in the process of checking them each off. He's remorseful and very eager to make things work. He's not going through any sort of withdrawal. He said it was pretty much dead before he came home anyway. Very attentive and affectionate. He's told me everything I wanted to hear so far and even volunteered information. I feel like I'm in shock, almost like I was when he first left. I'm not too weepy or anything. Am I just really glad to have him back right now, and then all of a sudden the other emotions will hit? I kind of expected it to be more of a roller coaster. It's more like well he's back home now and all of that was a just a little hiccup. There's not really any awkwardness or anything. It's just he's back and life is moving on. Is this normal in the beginning?

Not sure dmh, but I am happy for you.

Thank you, Strike. I really hope you have your REAL happy ending. I'm praying for your family.

dmh,

I have followed your thread and I am so very happy for you that you are moving towards recovery.

Enjoy your happy moments and recognize the down moments for what they are ... the roller coaster. Your WH's remorse will go far in your healing.

My best.

Thanks dmh, we'll see but I am almost sure of the choice. Just be careful please, watch the actions, I don't want anyone to have a false recovery. How are you with triggers?

They are pretty much non-existent. It makes no sense at all. I told him when he came back I wanted new EVERYTHING. So he came home, threw those clothes away, and now we just keep buying stuff as needed. He smashed his cell phone. He got rid of the car he just bought. There's nothing...except my bedroom. But when we have the money he said we will redo the whole thing and make it new, if we stay here. If we need to move, he'll do that too.

I told him there would be no third chance. If this is false, he's going to be sorry.

His lawyer refused to have any part of the post nup, so we need to find a new one that will represent him when we get that done. We are going to write it out tonight.

Wow, no triggers, tell me your secret please. Just kidding . Thats good. I apologize but I haven't kept up with the your story as I was floundering in my debacle. How long was he gone for? I know not everyone thinks like me but I get frustrated about the time she has missed with the kids and myself as a family. I think you may hit some lows as the elation of him coming home wanes, be prepared. Disclaimer I not the best at giving advice so take it for what's its worth, I'm a little biased at the moment

I'm very surprised myself. It just feels like he's made a stupid mistake, he knows it, he's doing the best he can to make it right, and we need to move along. Not ignoring what happened, but attacking whatever comes our way together to get through the muck. He left the beginning of this year, but I didn't find this website until a little over a month ago. He's done terrible things to the kids too. He left us with nothing for 3 months. We almost had our electric turned off because I couldn't pay it. It was HORRIBLE. He was a MONSTER. But that guy is gone. He used to look so....empty....an now his eyes have their light back in them again. Him being remorseful is HUGE. If he was not, I don't think it would be this easy.

Happy for you dmh but I am also cautious right now

Have the two of you discussed a plan for recovery? Does he know about MB? Do you have the book SAA? Is he willing to do the online course or call the coaching center or the radio show? I just think that this is a critical time.

Your WH is going to do a lot of heavy lifting and I hope he is ready for it. Have you read any of the threads on the recovery forum?

Is your WH willing to post here?

He does know about MB and I do have SAA. He's actually the one that grabbed it last night to go through it. We read about the 4 rules to guide martial recovery, did the emotional needs questionnaire, and also watched the "what every couple should know" video last night. We don't really have a plan yet, because we are still trying to work through my conditions. He's willing to do anything I want. I mentioned counseling with the Harley's and was more than willing. An elder from the church and his wife are actually going to counsel us this evening as they went through the same thing about 20 years ago. They may be able to offer some insight.

I have not gone to the recovery forum yet. I was going to head over there soon. Just wanted to update everyone so they aren't left hanging.

I'm sure he would be willing to post here if I wanted him to, but he's got a job where he works a lot. He's never been one to sit on a computer when he could be spending time with his family especially if there is not enough time as it is.