Hello,
My wife and I have been married for 9 years next month. We have a 13 year old stepson, and a 2 year old son. This will be the third time we have separated during this marriage and it has been the longest(9 months), each time she has left and went to her parents. We have tried counseling and many other avenues after each separation. Which worked for sometime then we both fall into our bad habits. During a conversation with my father-in-law, when I was apologizing for failing again, he said you have both verbally abused each other, and those scars sometimes hurt more than physical scars. This prompted me to research verbal abuse which I have never heard the term before. Since that day, I have read several book by Patricia Evans concerning this horrible behavior. I have realized that I have been covertly verbally abusing my wife at times, and her me. We have both been divorced once. Her first marriage involved a lot of physical, mental, and emotional abuse.
Since my �awakening� I have been to several groups, classes, and having weekly EMDR therapy to address the abuse I have suffered as a child. I have taken full responsibility and held myself accountable for my behavior. I passed one of the books on to my wife �the verbally abusive relationship� at the direction of the author whom I have had a counseling session with as well. She revealed to me the other night that it was as if the author was in her head and was writing about her life. She finally felt heard, validated, and not alone. I was very happy for her and told her I was.
I have been in therapy for 6 months now on a weekly basis. I have had only one incident of verbal abuse since and identified it and apologized for it to my wife for it and she thanked me. I am also part of a group called MEVAC, men ending verbal abuse and control, we journal daily, and have weekly conference calls to share our victories as well as our struggles with VAC.
I really want to save my marriage and rid myself of this horrible behavior. My wife�s heart has softened over the last few weeks, but her heart still has to heal not only from our issues, but the trauma she suffered in her first marriage. We are both followers of Christ, and I do not have the D word in my vocabulary.
During some of our recent talks together, these are some of responses I received:
She is very confused and doesnt know how to act around the "NEW" me.
She said she knows that i dont want to hear this, but "I am trying to end this and it is very hard and confusing because you are the man now that i have always prayed for"
She said she is emotionally disconnected from everyone, i have friends but no feelings for them.
She said her Mother is very hurt over the whole situation.
She said she is working with her therapist on giving up and running everytime things get difficult.
She said Our God is not a God of confusion and you are hearing we should be together and I am not hearing that.
I am not usually the one that give - on relationships and i do not want Cole to come from a broken family.
These were the points that stick out in my mind, i said i understand how you feel and you have every right to feel that way.

I always ask how did you feel or how did that make you feel. Then i thanked her for sharing those feelings with me.

A few months ago I got down on my knees and said this to her:

Sweetheart,
I forgive you for some painful things that have happened. I am sorry that my pain has turned into anger and in the process I�ve abandoned my responsibilities to love you, and nurture you, and help you learn how to love me. Please help me change to love you unconditionally and to nurture you and teach you in a tender manner as my responsibility requires. I am sorry it took me so long to realize this. Please forgive me.

She said she would think about it, later saying when I asked how she felt, she said she did not receive it the way she thinks I wanted her to.

I am going through the book �the love dare� and doing the things that I can, being as creative as I can. I wrote her this letter, she said she doesn�t feel it is from my heart, because shes never heard me talk this way before:

My Dearest ,
I am so grateful that God has brought you into my life. All my years I searched for the one thing missing in my life. Unconditional Love. Then, not by chance, I met you. You were the missing piece in my completeness. You introduced me to the one person, who would be my all in all. I accepted him as my Lord and Savior and he blessed me with your hand in marriage. You are one of God�s gifts to me on earth for accepting him into my heart. Many years, I fought. Not letting him have full control of my life. Each time he sat me back down to let me know the reality of this short time on earth. Cleaning me up, placing me on the solid rock. Revealing himself to me and all of his Glory, showing me the real treasures that are waiting for me, including the one that I needed for so long. His unstoppable, unchanging, undying, Love for me with no expiration.
I want you to know that I am committed to this marriage until death. Our Lord has purposed in me his Love that is undying, unchanging, and unstoppable, Love that never fails. I am to have that same Love for you and others as I model myself after Him. I accept you as God�s gift to me and will love you the way you are to be loved forever. No matter how many times we fall, Our Lord will still be standing with us, holding his hand out, waiting for ours. No matter what imperfections exist in both of us, my love is greater still, just as His is for us. Love never fails. I do believe that God raised a man from the dead to save me, so I believe he can also heal our hearts and raise our marriage from the ashes�. Nothing is bigger than Our God.

I have shared with her that i am going to be obedient to god and not date nor remarry as i have a covenant with God and i will not break it. I have really came to a peace with thaqt in my heart and i know God will honor that. I just have a hard time understanding why all her friends, parent, people from church and her therapists are all believers and are all against us reconciling.

She has also recently digressed to coparenting by text because it is easier for her this way. Because she doesnt know how to act around the "NEW" me. My heart really hurts because it is hurting our children.

Here you go ......

LINK to the MARRIAGE BUILDERS courses

I know you are here because you want to learn/use the MARRIAGE BUILDERS program, right?

Thanks pepper, but dont both people have to be participating in the course?

LINK .... How to contact MB Radio Show

May I suggest you write to Joyce Harley asking for suggestions how to get your wife on board. They may take your question on the radio.

Best of luck.

Thanks again, yes i was already actually on the show, i will do a follow up with them. Thanks again....

Hi Ruikee, Pepperband is giving you first-rate advice (I've never known her not to). Might I only add that you spend some time and read the FREE articles found on this site? I may be wrong, but reading your introductory thread seemed to me like you were struggling along without much of a plan.

Marriage Builders can help you create a plan. And you can begin putting it together whether or not your wife is on board with it right away or not. Yes, it's work. And if need be, you might have to shell out some money to get to the next level, but so what? Marriage counselors cost money, and divorce costs a whole lot more -- in money and other ways. Isn't a happy, loving marriage worth it?

Thanks Fred, I agree a happy, loving marriage is worth alot. I have contacted Joyce and Bill and await their reply. Should i be in the MB101 board instead of here?

If you want to recover and build your marriage, I strongly suggest you ask the mods to move this thread to MB101.

The best advice given on this board seems to be for those irretrievably in the Plan D path...

Good Morning Fred,
Thanks, how do i do that, just contact one of the MODS?

Good Afternoon MODS,
Can you please move this thread to MB101 Board?

You click "Notify" at the bottom of the post. I've done this for you, just FYI for future reference.

Thank you so much for the info....

Hello MB101,
Ive been in this thread for a few days and havent seen much. Would anyone like to jump in and offer any insight?

Thanks in advance.

Any news on when you will be on the show?

Start meeting your wife's emotional needs (EN) as much as she will let you at this point. Do you think she would be willing to fill out a ENQ? If not, what would you say that her top 5 EN are?

The two of you need to move back in with each other ASAP. You cannot work on your marriage when you are apart. Do you live close to her? Start inviting her on dates.

Do you have any of Dr. Harley's books?

Can you provide the information Dr. Harley provided from the radio program?

Not a great way to start an apology.


You are putting the blame of your anger on her. She caused you pain, and so, you say, you got angry.

YOU are the only one responsible for your anger. NOTHING she did justifies you ever having and angry outburst (AO) at her. NOTHING. You lost control. You, and you alone are responsible.

Unconditional love is a myth. You cannot sustain a love for someone who has drained your lovebank. Are you interested in learning about Romantic Love?

This is condescending.

Good Morning Prisca, I was on the show once already, the links to the segments are posted on this board by another user. We did fill out the ENQ a few years agao. I live right down the street from her now. I have asked her a few times but she said she doesnt see any point in it. Anything i try she says there is no point in it any longer. I have his needs her needs, love busters, and buyers and renters.

I have been meeting her emotional needs, and she opened up for a week or two, then resorted to texting only. She said its just easier for her to handle because i am now beyond the man shes prayed for and doesnt know how to act around me. So now she feels we can coparent by text. My heart does not feel right about this.
Her Emotional needs are conversation, affection, family commitment, admiration, domestic support.

Here are the 3 segments from the show:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3036

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3037

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3038

Wow, i really spent time on this and prayed over it. After i said all of this to her, she was crying and said this specific comment was so profound to her as she heard i was forgiving her for not loving me enough as she has said she only put 60% into the marriage because of hurts from her past.


You are putting the blame of your anger on her. She caused you pain, and so, you say, you got angry.

YOU are the only one responsible for your anger. NOTHING she did justifies you ever having and angry outburst (AO) at her. NOTHING. You lost control. You, and you alone are responsible. [/quote]

That was not my intention at all. I have accepted responsibility for my anger and told her that as well. My pain was referring to pain from growing up in an abusive environment.

Unconditional love is a myth. You cannot sustain a love for someone who has drained your lovebank. Are you interested in learning about Romantic Love?

This is condescending. [/quote]

Not sure i see that can you explain more on this.....

So seeing that i have not really done a good job already, what can/or should i do now....


Blessings and Love,