Dr. Harley is of the opinion that most pornography usage by most men is not an addiction. Read Dr. Harley's recent article on it here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex_addiction.html

So knowing that, in most cases, male pornography usage isn't an addiction but is Independent Behavior and Dishonesty wrapped in a tight little bundle, where do you from here? The cure for Independent Behavior is the Policy of Radical Honesty, the Policy of Joint Agreement, and Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation. Your demands that he stop using porn -- and his grudging acquiescence thereto -- haven't worked well so far.

I never had a strong pornography habit, but I did view it from time to time. Our solution proceeded in stages. Note this is just the kind of organic process we fell into as we regularly renegotiated, not a prescribed treatment strategy.

We set up a couple of EPs. I don't compute in private if it can be avoided. If I will be computing in private, my wife must always know when/where. I set up my computer in the family room so that, being in a public place, I'm less likely to be tempted there. My web history is always available for her to view, and I set up a VNC-based "screen logger" that keeps logs around for a couple of weeks if she wants to peruse my history. There's obviously some trust involved there -- I set up the tools, I would know how to disable them -- but in my case, it's been enough.

Stage 1: Agreeing pornography use was Independent Behavior and a Love Buster, we agreed that I would contact my wife regarding her sexual availability before I indulged in self-gratification. We followed this religiously and came up with a code-phrase so we could even POJA about it with kids around: "Honey, are you feeling available today?". This served two purposes:
1. Let her know of my sexual interest in case she was ready/willing to engage in SF that day.
2. The default position was that if her answer to the question was "no", that I was going to take care of my need at some point that day.

Now, this wasn't a perfect solution, but it was one we lived with for about 8 months, and it worked decently well. I fulfilled Radical Honesty in that, when I engaged in self-gratification, she was aware of it. Eventually, though, I pushed for a new agreement, as I'd encountered this advice from Dr. Harley:


That piqued my interest, so we moved on to Stage 2, which was basically the same as Step 1 with one change: she must be present and aware when I indulged. This meant that if I took care of myself, it was in the same room with her. That experience was a little off-putting for both of us (maybe less so for others), so we moved on to a new agreement after a short time.

We moved on to Stage 3: scheduling our sexual experiences together. I ask the same question, but if the answer is "no" I don't go take care of myself. No important bits will explode if we don't make love; I'll just feel an uncomfortable pressure and sometimes slight pain if we go more than a few days between. When one of us travels, we schedule some "webcam time" together privately. It was a little weird at first, but gets better with time.

If we arrive in a situation where she's sick or unwilling, and it's been more than a couple of days, in those cases she'll ask me to take care of myself. Mutual enthusiastic agreement, and it happens very rarely, but there it is.

It took Radical Honesty on my part to admit my feelings in advance, and to make her aware of the discomfort I experience if we go more than 2-3 days without. I have slipped up from time to time, but Radical Honesty with my spouse has identified why/when/where I slipped up, and WITHOUT ANGER we came to new agreements together to help implement some precautions to prevent recidivism.

Your path may be different. I was reluctant to write this as it's a bit of an over-share, but there is a path out. That path, though, will almost certainly require provisional POJA attempts, where you recognize this isn't the ideal solution, but it's moving toward your goal so the two of you can accustom yourselves to your new reality.

And that's it in a nutshell. "Enthuasiastic agreement" really means that, at a minimum, neither spouse dislikes the idea, but ideally that both LOVE the idea. Learning to make provisional enthusiastic agreements -- agreements for a limited time, or recognizing that you'll probably want to change them in the future but want to start somewhere -- is a transforming MarriageBuilders technique that's totally win/win.

Mrs v
Thanks for bringing some rationality to the chaos, you are spot on,
I have communicated with him in a good way about what's going on lad he does understand but that does not stop him from feeling rejected. I then try and meet him halfway and offer cuddles etc when he back off a bit but I'm finding little things hard and I am scared of being selfish because right now it seams to be all about me and I don't like that as I feel guilty.

So we have done some good work to a dress this by POJA ing lots .

For example I'm having my operation in a clinic 4 hours drive away from home, in that town they house the football stadium of the team my h support so we agreed that while I'm having the op he has booked a stadium tour so he will get something out of the trip and I booked hi into the stadiums hotel for the night so he can have the full experience. I love doing little gestures like that for him and I don't feel as bad for all the selfish care I'll require post op and I feel more affectionate a little less guilty and stressed.

On the other hand he is slim and eats tons and does not put on weight no matter what he eats, he spends all day grazing on food and when I'm on a stict pre op diet and hungry I'm getting irritates with him stuffing his face 24/7 I can't really blame him he's just doing what he normally does but I do get irritated and tend to back away from him. Things like that I don't know how to tackle.

Our communication is good and I have let him see me cry these past couple of days and all in all he has been supportive. I'm just mad at myself for pushing him away and making him sad.