Good news indie

Still waiting for the dawn of the day when it is all about me, rahter than all about me thinking about them!

Im off the rocks, pain-wise, but all day been thinking about the revelations of last night,

She is a lot more scheming than I ever knew. Softlad was on to her when she was married to his friend, and causing his friend pain. I didnt listen to him as I should have.

How can he even think he loves her now? Is he just as scheming as she is and after her money or whatever? Is this why he could see through her?

I guess the litmus test of Plan B will reveal all.

Do drugs harm people? Are they bad for people? Why do addicts smoke a crack pipe then? Answer is plain as day, because it makes them feel good, TEMPORARILY. Unless and until the cons outweigh the pros, IOW, until they hit rock bottom, they will continue to do what is easy and what makes them feel "good." TURDS

Hang tough, you're doing GREAT.

Had long talk with DFs mum on the phone last night as she called me. It was great in some ways but too much in others. The poor woman has been gaslighted and pushed out by her DiL for years. Her opinion was that blackwidow picks a target to blame everything on and focuses all her attention on making that person feel alienated from everyone else.

She said that now I am her target, she is more popular with blackwidow than she ever has been in the past!

She mentioned however that blackie has arranged a babysitter for Saturday becase she 'had plans'. Great. Now on Saturday, when I have to work, all I will be thinking of is what the two of them might be up to on saturday.

I dont think I can talk to, or be around, blackwidow or softlad type people. I am good friends with sl's mum for example, but she wouldnt be able to stop mentioning him or her.

One thing Df's parents have said to me is that blackw keeps the people in her life segregated from each other - she doesnt wnat them to compare notes about the things she tells them.

This is certainly true. She never introduced me to her female work friends, and if I spoke to them at parties, she would intervene,

They also hinted that she had skeletons in her closet that would 'finish her' if they ever came out.

Now I cant help thinking about how many people will be comparing notes - and her version of her relationship with softlad - and just how unpleasant things will be.

It keeps my mind in the wrong place.

It is so good that you recognize that even hearing things about Black W doesn't help you. Now, I would say that you did your duty to DF and now you should avoid talking to his parents. Their information will keep you in the drama and it isn't worth it.

And OW, she sound like any other OW. She's NOT special. And even worse she wants to try to be YOU but she can NEVER come close.

You know something. Sometimes, I feel a little sorry for the OWs. They have little self respect and obviously some MAJOR self esteem problems. I pity them a bit too.

So, what are you going to do for yourself today to heal from this? Think of something super special that can keep your focus OFF of your sitch.

Super special. That is a tough assignment. I have a horrendous few work days coming up, (its been a month, work are now no longer sympathetic and I have a really tough job) I will be working until late tomorrow, then a tough day on friday, working through the weekend and im in monday too. Tues, my day off is when i have an appointment with a solicitor - and seeing that they brushed off my appointment today (sigh) im not expecting much from it. Apparently I needed to bring some paperwork in but they didnt tell me that. I think I need to find a firm thats GOOD.

I am clean out of ideas for treats. I just want to curl up and do nothing. I have an elastic band on the wrist, which I snap when I think of him. It's surprisingly rare. I think of me and of my recovery, I notice the sad, kicked feeling in my stomach, but think only of him as a person and about memories very sporadically.

Thinking of doing your 'loonie jar' idea, Scotty. Setting up plans to join an art class from next weekend and making plans to go out with mum an sis on the tenth w anniversary in two weeks.

I would like to quit my job as Ive gotten all I can out of it, its not challenging, it drains me a lot right now, too. But until I can see a solicitor/buy him out the house/get a renter in I need the salary.

Any UK people have advice about separation and seeing a solicitor? The ones I have called up only want to know if im eligible for legal aid - how would i know?!

Maybe I should just offer to buy him out the house through my IM? Wondering really what I need a solicitor for if im not ready for plan D yet......

May I ask,(I suppose I already am) why do you feel the need to buy him out right now? Not that I think it is the wrong move, I am just wondering what your thoughts are right now.

Things that you could do for yourself could be as simple as reading a book you enjoy, or watching a movie, just stay CLEAR of anything that has to do with adultery. You will see it in a lot of shows and books, but don't let it affect you, you will get stronger soon.

I know - there is an old UK comedy (For the brits, its Goodnight Sweetheart) which is totally based on adultery and I cant believe it never sickened me before. I just thought it wasnt any good and a bit weird.

Buying him out is based on the need to get away and quit my job. Even if I dont do the cruise ships for a while, I would like to use the time constructively to get some experience working with children, as I want to change careers. This would be very low pay at first and I wouldnt be able to support the bills here alone. I need to get a renter in here to do that as we would have no luck selling the house in the current market. I would prob move in with my parents for a while, then do cruise ships.

If he doesnt want me to buy him out I could put a renter in and split the rent proceeds with him. This would mean dealing with him more than i care too though. Also we have failed(or rather he has) to pay the mortgage off very effectively, so the rental income would give that a boost and put me in a better position financially.

If he were to come back, I think we would need a whole fresh new start anyway - different house at very least - possibly different country.

I suppose I also do feel his reliance on this house as his bckup and base, where I was kept because of his 'indie should stay at home and wait for me syndrome' should be shaken loose too. But its for the practical reasons above, really.

These are some very well thought out answers.

I would say that you should figure out what it is that YOU want to do with the house, and then let the IM send him a message about it. You should try ot use the IM as little as possible as it will still keep you stuck, even if your IM is good

I know in the US there are agencies that will handle the management part of renting your house for a small fee. Just have them send the proceeds to bothof you so you don't have to worry about splitting with him.

[quote=Scotland You should try ot use the IM as little as possible as it will still keep you stuck, even if your IM is good

[/quote]

Yes indeed! A big comfort to me is how well my plan is going. My evidence turned out to be pretty good, my exposure was fast and hit hard and wide, my plan a emails also hit the mark I would guess and plan b is driving him super crazy. On top of all that my IM is world class!

No matter what I will know every possible effort was made.

Yes this is what I would need, especially if out of the country. I dont want to give him a share of the rent though!

Hi Indie,

Legal Aid question.

You would be eligible for Legal Aid if you are on benefits or on a low wage. As you work full time I doubt if you would be.

I googled do I need a solicitor for a divorce UK and several good pages came up which would give you a good idea if you need a solicitor.

Most estate agents will handle rental properties and take all the hassle out of it for you. They deal with everything for a fee and the rent would just be paid into your account.

If softlad is on the mortgage docs then he will have a claim on any monies. I know.......it stinks but there you go!!

Glad to see you moving forward though. I like the elastic band idea, might steal that one for when I get Ginge wandering into my head, I don't need her living there rent free!!

Hugs

The elastic band is proving surprisingly useful. It means I am vetting my thoughts and have started to see there is a difference between thinking about him/memories and between thinking about my feelings of sadness and withdrawal from him. The first is not necessary and the second is.

Today is going pretty well.

I guess it makes sense to try and divide stuff up now. not only for the sake of my plans, but if I wait until it is part of a divorce it will be messier.

I have a slight q regarding Plan B.

In SAA, Dr Harley says the purpose of encouraging John to do Plan B is he will be safe from Sue's toxic behaviour that way and 'will have fewer memories of the affair' should they decide to reconcile. So I take it this 'protects' the love bank from further withdrawals.

However he also says that should Sue not want to reconcile, John will have gone so long without contact, without her depositing into his lovebank, that 'he will no longer be in love with her'. A divorce will therefore hurt less.

Surely it is impossible for Plan B to both shrink AND protect the love bank balance you have for your WS? So does it 'freeze' the LB? Make it inactive?

This is a concept Im struggling with and as it is my number one job for the next few months, thought I should get it straight in my head...

"Then someday I will begin POJA with my new husband"

LOL, Indie! I saw this post on Hops thread and didn't want to t/j.

POJA-ed dinner with 7 randomly matched friends in a big city a few weeks ago for a decision for dinner. I introduced the "lowest common denominator game" which involved bar napkins, pens and huge laughs. MB concepts sneak their way in to daily life...and, we didn't end up at a drive-thru!

Very impressed with you, lady!

Thanks surfer I try.

And, you help others as well. A lot! I am a huge lurker, and I keep my eye on you ladies!

I am glad to hear that the rubber band is working. I thought about doing it myself before.

Now, about the Plan B and lovebank things. Okay, I will tell you what someone else told me about it. Plan B takes your LB$ and puts it away in a safe place under lock and key. The only person who can unlock that key would be an unrepentant husband. If he doesn't come along in a certain amonut of time, the lock will remain shut. Now, it doesn't mean that it will ALWAYS remain locked and that is why it is very dangerous for people with histories to stay in contact. There is always a chance that that lock will spring open again.

Process whatever you need to process to heal. You seem to be able to tell the difference between thinking abou WH and processing your own feelings and sitch. Great work.

Hey I am quick and with such excellent teachers, have no excuse to not do well in MB school!