Let me give you another reason why you should be the one to tell her, Marnie. If you were my daughter I would be very disappointed that you kept this secret from me. It would shake my trust in you to the core. I could understand that my cheating husband was scared for himself and fogged out, but you can't claim the same defense. You were not fogged out.

Finding out that you had sat on this secret for months and had not warned me would cause great damage to our relationship. However, I would not feel so betrayed if you came to me and told me the truth, but explained you had been misguided. I would figure better late than never, and be proud that you eventually did the right thing. If she is like most betrayed spouses, she will not appreciate the fact that she was not told sooner.

That is another aspect of all this to consider.

Hi Marnie,

Welcome to MB

The answer to your question is YES.

BUT

Only if he is honest with his wife!

Otherwise he remains a liar and a cheat. your relationship would never heal if his defects of character remained.

No one can heal or be restored without honesty being the foundation.

Only after honesty, repentance and time can integrity be achieved again.

I wish you well and have been where you are. I've also been where your dad is and lied to everyone about it being physical.... Regretfully when we are having an affair, we even lie to our precious children, causing even more pain.

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I know you may want to keep your distance from all this crap.... But, Please help your mom to discover all the truth, because only then does she and the marriage have a chance to recover....


As far as telling your mom.....
My .02 cents......
Be there with your dad when it happens and help prevent him from lying to your mom by withholding important details. Witholding details will do more damage, piled on top of what has already occured because of his infidelity.

tell your mother, you won't regret it. And then, tell her about this place, and the people who are eager to help guide her through this. Get her the book Surviving an Affair, by Dr Harley. It would be the greatest gift you could ever give them. And I would truly hope that they followed your advice and come here, because I have been a witness to the devastation of my parent's trying to navigate marital recovery on their own. Very very bad.

I'll open one possibility for you - it's possible that your mother already knows about the A, has dealt with it internally, and is likely to be embarrassed to know that you now know as well.

It's a tough situation. I would still suggest being honest with her.

My 2 cents...

My FWH and I have been married for 31 years. For all our 30-year-old daughter knows, we had a challenging and difficult first 20 and then 11 marvelously romantic redeemed years.

What she doesn't know is that shortly before she and her husband married 10 years ago, I caught my H, her father, involved extensively in porn, masturbation, and inappropriate emails with women.

What she doesn't know is that my H, her father, committed adultery while deployed and came close to abandoning the entire family for the OW.

Our daughter wrote us an anniversary note on our 31st that says we are her "model" for a wonderful marriage. She doesn't know what really went on.

And she and I were really close, too.

Your mother might already sense the emotional withdrawal from your father and not understand what is behind it. I came right out and asked my H if he had gotten involved with a woman while deployed and he denied it. But I KNEW he was withdrawn and that something had happened. How I would have liked to know what was going on in my own life before I upended my entire life and joined him here. Yes, thankfully, we are working on recovery. But I would have liked to have been respected enough as a human being that one of the people who knew could have told ME what was happening in my OWN life. I still hold them in my greatest disdain.

Your father and you are keeping an ugly secret from your mother. I can't imagine how your relationship will ever heal knowing that you are co-conspirators against your mother. Your mother is likely a much stronger woman than either of you give her credit for. I would be insulted if my daughter thought that of me.

Marnie,


There are many possible ways to handle this, as I am sure you have pondered.

1. You could tell your mom yourself.
2. You and your dad could go on in secrecy, pretending it all never happened, and try to heal the relationship between the two of you over time without any of this spilling out into the rest of the family (unlikely, by the way, because this is like an elephant in the living room who is not only there, but who keeps crappppping on the couch every five minutes and you cannot possibly keep cleaning it up nor can you hide the elephant).
3. You could have your father come to this website and we could guide him to expose the affair to his wife himself - like a MAN.
4. You could tell your mom about this website after you expose it to her.
5. You could sit them both down together, and say to your father, "Dad, you have something to tell Mom. I'm here, and I will support you as you do this. Then, I am giving you a telephone number and website, so you have a place to go for support, because it is a way to survive what has happened, and because your marriage CAN survive this. Because you love each other, and because I believe in the two of you. And I will wait while you think of the words, Dad, because your marriage can only survive on the truth. I love you."



Personally, I know what I would do.



Schoolbus

Marnie, do you think it is fair your father is letting you keep this secret?

I know you said you persuaded him, but every day he stays silent he is letting you remain silent and alone.

He is letting you think that you alone must be stronger than all your other family members. That you must keep a secret which is killing your soul.

Every betrayed spouse on here felt they would never be able to forgive/cope with an affair, should that 'imposible' thing ever happen. But when it did, we did and we are all better for the truth.

Many of us had disrespectful judgments about how our relatives would cope with it. Some felt their children were too young, parents too old. Nope, they felt valued for being trusted with the truth. Many felt relieved because they had felt bad about their own unspoken nagging doubts

I thought my very protective father would become violent when he found out about my WS. He didn't of course. I thought arrogantly that because I was handling my world falling apart I was stronger than him. Its never as bad as you think it is going to be.

The longer you keep a nasty secret, the bigger and blacker and heavier it gets. You drown in it.

Let your mother see that you will support and help her with the truth.

Just a few comments:

1. No, it is not possible to heal without disclosure. Complete openness and honesty is required in a marriage.

2. It is most likely that this affair was physical - even though the father denies this.

3. There is a strong possiblity this affair is ongoing and is not over as the father would like daughter to believe.

AM

Marnie,

I have been in your mother's position. In my case, my son, who is now 26, kept the secret for 10 years, causing him much personal angst and contributing to his AODA problems.

I could not believe that my husband would burden our child with this secret. That knowledge was even more painful than the knowledge of his affair.

I URGE you, for your own mental health, as well as your mother's to tell her the truth. Unburden yourself before this secret further poisons your soul. She will, of course, be hurt, but deceit and lies are far more painful for the betrayed spouse than the actual affair.

Tell her. An urge your father to confess as well. He may or may not, and that's HIS issue, but you will have done what's right for both you and your mother.

Marnie are you still out there? Help us to help you. I really do worry how anybody can expect to stay sane holding in a secret like that.

There is so much support on here for you and your mother if you decide to face this head on. Until then you are stalled.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well.