Eliaana --

Are you still there?
What are you working on today?

Just wanted to let you know the weekend, and probably next week will be quiet on the forum.

I'm still here, thanks for checking in on me

Today, I'm trying to do some reading, and figure out finances for the next couple weeks. My daughter is about to travel to canada on a last-minute trip to visit my parents before my mother enters into treatment for cancer, so we've got to budget for the extra gas mileage, baggage fees, unaccompanied minor fees, etc etc and scrambling to get all her documents together and anything else she may need. Plus its mortgage time LOL

I know which cellphone logger to get for his phone, and as much as I feel strange doing it, I know that even if he is telling me the truth and it really IS over this time, this will provide me some peace of mind, since all the other times I heard those promises proved to be wrong... I know that when I do snoop his PC, emails and phone, there is a sense of relief to find nothing...

I do know that I wish I had found this site much earlier, because I can say that if this logger does reveal something, I'm done... I think unfortunately, trying to fix this all the other times, before finding the methods of MB, has just drained me. I didnt even want to give it another chance this last time... not even really clear right now how he managed to convince me to stay, but i know this is my last go-around.

Thanks for the heads up about it being quiet around here, I'll keep that in mind. Is that because of the holiday weekend?

Weekends are always quiet. I suspect lots of people post from work, etc and are just more busy and away from their computers on the weekend.

I know I'm on vacation next week, and will only check the forum once or twice.

Get the cellphone logger -- and do it right away. You are so right, that maybe it will give you peace of mind.
Right now you are probably disengaged in the marriage because of your suspicions. If you find nothing, maybe it will re-energize you towards recovery.

If you do find something -- won't you be glad to stop wasting time?

I think this is probably true... I mean, right now, I love my husband very much, and I want our marriage to work... but the fear of him continuing this, and not FINALLY being done with it, keeps me from crossing that threshold into full commitment, from being able to take a deep breath and saying to myself, "ok, NOW we can get serious" I'm sort of one-foot-out-the-door right now because I'm so fearful of another discovery, that I'm trying to brace myself for it...

I really do want to get the cellphone logger, please dont think that I'm dragging my feet on this because I'm hesitating on finding the truth, its just that carving out $50+ immediately is tough, and may have to take a week or two before I can absorb it into the regular expenses... and I almost feel okay about that, because if there IS something going on, its an extra couple weeks for him to get sloppy, and for things to pick up in intensity, therefore cutting down the time it will take to discover something, should there be something to discover...

I obviously really hope there isnt anything to discover, and would love nothing more than to have that peace of mind come sooner rather than later, so as soon as I'm able to hide it within our regular expenses, I'll be all over it Maybe I'm being naive in thinking that this is going to give me positive feedback about him, but I have to hope, you know? I have to hope that if he loves me even a little, he'd either stop this or let me go to put an end to my suffering... he's witnessed the effect this has on me, that it will render me physically ill (the last 2 discoveries have landed me on my knees, vomitting). anyways, thats just TMI lol

Thank you so much for checking in on me, and I hope to be able to tell you I have the keylogger installed when you are back from your vacation have a WONDERFUL time!!

Just be aware that they will show on a credit card bill, maybe get a friend to order it for you or get a pre paid card.

What have you discovered Eliaana?

nothing yet, which i guess is a good thing... with my mother battling cancer and a last minute trip back to canada for my daughter to visit, plus this insane heat running up the electric bill, the money for the spyware is just not there yet, but so far, so good... sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread, but since I havent been able to install that software, i didnt have a whole lot to report...

Keeping an eye on his phone, pc and facebook... the wanna-be-christian has started a new FB page, from what I found tonite, but there's no evidence that they have been in touch, so I gotta hope that they havent... I dont want to get my hopes up that we are finally done with this ho, and any possible others...

oh, one thing I did discover was he was back in his Fubar account, at least long enough to update his status there... of course, he swears he didnt log in, he somehow expects me to believe that his phone just happened to guess his login info and log him into his account, and type out a lyric from one of his favorite songs... uh huh, suuuuuure it did....

anyways, thank you for checking on me *hug*

**** warning**** I'm in an unload-mood... I think I just needed to get this out, dont feel like you need to read through it all if you dont want to.... ****

you know, now that I've wandered back here, and its very late on a saturday night, and I've been drinking, I need to ask....

does anyone have any links or words or wisdom on how to begin to move past the mistrust? I know that I am not really at that stage yet (because i need the keylogger to prove that we are indeed into recovery) but I've just been burned so much that it just fills my waking thoughts most days, and i know that once I do have that verification that its over (I must sound so naive to all of you, talking like it really is over :P) I still dont know how to move past this, how to get rid of the thoughts that just come to life in any and all quiet moments I have each day...

I reflect back on the times recently, good or bad, and focus on her presence in these situations... for example... after one discovery, (where he swore on our son that he was done with it) our then-3-year-old son took a tumble down a couple stairs at my MIL's house, and broke his leg.... and I cant help sometimes, to reflect back on how very much I needed him to be there for me (he needed to be put under anesthesia to have his leg reset and casted)... I remember sitting there in the room, waiting for the hospital staff to bring our broken-son back to us.... and wanting desperately for him to comfort me (you moms can probably imagine what this was like for me) and I recall him NEVER hugging me, or holding my hand... just pissing around with his phone... and I know for a fact that he posted a pic of our son in his cast as his FB profile pic, and messaged OW to let her know so she could see our son and the extreme nature of his break (full leg cast)... so how do you let go of these "new memories"? when you reflect back to events and realize how very wrong you were about what was actually going on at these times?

(ok, realizing I need to vent here, so you all dont need to continue reading if you dont want to....)

another example of this, was when my heart-dog got urgently ill from consuming part of a rope toy... many of you may think " its just a dog" but I have basically been alone here for 5 years, and THIS dog (we have 3) but THIS dog, is my best friend... I dont know specifics, but I know this OW was present during the time that we were fighting to save him, and to raise the funds to pay for emergency surgery for him... again, another time that I needed him to be there for ME, and looking back, I didnt have ALL of him when I absolutely needed him...

How do you deal with these new realities?

You deal with them by saying to yourself "Aha...I see. Who knew? Not me. Now I do. Hmmmm" and you just do not try to let it define who YOU are and were at those moments.

You live life and can only go by what you know when you know it.

It isn't worth giving any additional value to the betrayel or lack of support. It does you no good so you just say "Aha....I see...."

You handled all the events.

My Dad used to say "Count on nothing but your fingers and your toes."

is it really that simple though? to be able to say "aha, ok, I get it" these flashbacks hurt the most, I guess, because these are the few times that I really needed him... I'm 1500 miles from any family or friends, and the only other people I had support from during these times were people I've never met, on a big-dog message board (we have bernese mountain dogs, they are approximately 100lbs each)

I try very hard to push these thoughts aside, and to put a stop to these "reflections" because i dont see how they are helpful in any way, but I guess I just struggle with the strength it takes to push this out of my mind...

and again, its 1:30am on a saturday, I'm alone (everyone's asleep) and I was drinking earlier, so this is probably just a reaction to my attempts to self-medicate...

Hi Hun

They will continue to hit you for a while, a LTA means that we BS's have to kinda re-evaluate the past, see it through different eyes and that does take time to process.

It does get better, they get further and further apart and one day you will have a thought where you don't hurt over it.

We can't change what was, only what is.

You are right they aren't helpful but I think they need to be part of the processing so you can see future signs.

Focus on the good stuff in your life, look after your own self development and soon he will wake up and realise what he so nearly lost.

Venting is good and useful. Keep doing it!

* having a crisis moment *

ok, so I have continued reading on the site, off and on, and am aware of all I need to do in terms of spyware and all that... I wish I could say that I have done so, but finances continue to prevent that from happening... we are a single income family with 2 kids and a mortgage, so money is tight these days. We've had to borrow $100 here and there from his mom to cover gas and stuff while we continue to suffer through a drought and massive unrelenting heat in Texas which is keeping our electric bill through the roof... So yes, I am in the wrong for not being able to take the steps needed to get this going, please feel free to yield your 2x4s

I'm in crisis mode right now, because although nothing new has arisen through my investigations by traditional means, I just cannot get past the past... and then, during a calm and rational conversation yesterday (although by text) He informs me that he did indeed have physical contact with the OW... says they only kissed, and it wasnt like cramming his tongue down her throat or anything, but that it was "more times than he can recall"... this, to me, is too much... I have practically begged him for the truth for months, and he repeatedly made me feel like I'm the crazy one for not believing him when I questioned him in the past... I just cant take it anymore... the pain is just too much, and I cant get past it...

how do you all do it? where do you find the strength? how do you stay when the sheer idea of them touching you makes you actually vomit? How do you find the strength to even WANT to work things out?

How do you deal with this unrelenting pain?

I'm sorry if I am a little all-over-the-map here, but I am in the middle of a breakdown, I am trying to make as much sense as possible through the tears

also, is there a function to change your name here? I am considering referring my husband to this site to read some other threads, but he'll know this name immediately...

I'm sorry to hear this, Elianna. And I suspect they did much more than just kiss.

If your funds are tight, google 'free keylogger'. I believe there are some out there. I can't vouch for how good they are. Check our Operation Investigate forum - I believe you'll find more info there.

What your WH is doing is called trickle-truth. The wayward spills little pieces of information about the affair over spans of time. They've got this crazy idea that hiding the truth of the affair will keep the betrayed spouse from being hurt. What they're really doing is covering their own butt. If they were truly concerned about not hurting their spouse they wouldn't have had the affair in the first place. Trickle truth is an incredibly cruel and hurtful act to perpetrate upon a betrayed spouse. This is why you're having such a bad time right now.

Your WH needs to come completely clean with everything you feel you need to know about his affair.

it sickens me to think it, but I am right there with you on this


I have googled them, but havent found anything that seems trustworthy enough yet... I will keep looking though...

I just dont know how to do this anymore, I dont know how to WANT to... he's begging me for another chance, for a chance to "be the man he is supposed to be" and is invoking the idea that this is "old news" and that since nothing new has happened, this should be forgiven because its "old" an how hard it was for him to admit that he'd done it, blah blah blah... I just dont want him to ever touch me again..

Oh, those poor widdle waywards - it's just so very hard for them...

He needs to cut the crap. The only reason it's 'old' is because he's managed to manipulate you in order to duck accountibility for this long. He needs to come out with everything you need to know in order to make some kind of sense of this terrible crime he has committed against you and your marriage.

Is the OW married? Her H needs to know about the vile business they've been up to, as well.

no, she isnt married, she's a single mom of 2 kids living in a christian home for un-wed mothers... fully aware that he was married, and convinced she is a "better fit" for him.. or at least, she was... after their blow-out in april, there has been no further contact (to the best of my knowledge)

I dont know how much more i can take... I know I should know everything, I am the type of person who needs that... but if there is any more, I dont think I can take it, because I am the type of person who has been burned by cheaters too many times. I didnt even want to get involved with him in the first place, I was perfectly content to be alone the rest of my life and not have this ever be an issue for me again, but he swayed me into giving him a shot... what a fool I am

I'm sorry, I know I'm in a woe-is-me period... I am pretty sure I need to be heavily medicated at this point, as I do have a history of severe depression and am sure i'm in full-blown relapse, but we cant afford it right now... I'm just so alone...

also, in addition to knowing if there is a way to change my name here...

if i can squeek out a few bucks for one of the books, (and assuming I come to the decision that I even want to put any further effort into this) which would you recommend? I see alot of recommendations for "Surviving an affair" and for "his needs, her needs" but which would you recommend first?

Elianna, if you are at a crisis point you need to get to a crisis center or to the emergency room.

Don't let finances stand in the way of getting help if you need it!

Money is tight?
You can talk to Dr Harley & Joyce for free.