I am at the end of my rope after nearly a year of Plan A that seemed to work - HUGE changes, but then my husband did a 180 and left. Now, after 9 months of separation hell (especially the last 3) I've filed for divorce. Still feel very torn, not sure if I did the right thing.

I didn't tell anyone when I found out about the affair (only found Dr. Harley recently). No, I take that back. I told the OWH - who had known for 9 months. If he had called me when he first found out - right when it started - it might have made all the difference in the world. I tracked him down first thing when I discovered it, thinking he had a right to know. I wish he'd shown me the same respect.

During the whole nightmare, the kids found out - they're teenagers and an 11-year-old, too old not to figure things out. My husband told his mother himself when he moved out - he moved in with her. She left his dad for another man - scarred my husband for life and he wouldn't speak to her at the time, now he's all for the "great happiness" she found for herself, now that the other man has passed away before she could cheat on him too (he was her 4th husband, ended all 3 earlier marriages with affairs). Needless to say, she just condoned his actions. She's never liked me.

I told my husband's siblings in March when they asked me what was going on - I assumed they'd already known. Also, my father-in-law. They were all supportive of me, told him he was being an idiot, caused some damage to the affair. Now my "mother-in-law" has started inviting the OW to family dinners instead of me, holding them when she's in town, (OW is also still married - ridiculously horrible) the siblings have backed off and are just lying low - not openly saying anything against the affair anymore. I finally just barely told my family - didn't want them to think poorly of him all this time. No idea why. It doesn't seem to matter if these people know anymore. It's doing nothing to damage the affair.

OW tracked my husband down originally on facebook - she was his middle school girlfriend (not high school, that'd be me). They were like 13 at the time, and have reverted back to that maturity level. (Both now in early forties, 4 kids each). After several nasty messages, I finally figured out how to block her on my fb account. I'd get off of fb altogether, but I stay on to monitor my teenagers, who I know realistically won't stay off. Throughout all of this, OW seems to get a thrill off of sending friend requests to my "friends," trying to keep tabs on me.

My closest friends started to figure things out, I've told them all now too the last couple of months, they've taken her off their lists. OW and I still have several "mutual friends."

Exposure questions: I've considered sending a message to said "mutual friends" (all from high school - we went to the same school. Some I was very close to then, but they are men, so I haven't kept up close contact with them - I'm married. Some not so close, but still friends) to just simply tell them briefly what's going on - she tracked my WH down on fb, keeps adding my "friends" to her list to keep tabs on me, they're involved in a destructive affair, and please choose one or the other of us to delete. (I've tried just deleting people as friends, but she keeps finding new ones, and then people wonder what's up with me and get offended).

Furthermore, her facebook page is the most hypocritical, horrible thing I've ever seen. She pretends to be this great wife and mom with the happy, religious family - fairytale life, tons of photos, yet all over the place she alludes to the affair with my husband, things most people wouldn't recognize. Nearly all the photos of just her (and there are a LOT - this little bimbo is ridiculously vain) are actually photos of her with MY husband, but she's faded him out so you can't really tell who he is. Unless he's your husband. Or unless you're HER husband (who I have discussed the deplorable facebook facade with many times).

Would it be appropriate, or advisable, to send a message to these people for the purpose of "exposure?" Or does that just give her and my husband more fuel to demonstrate how I am so horrible and vindictive? It's not about revenge, or I would have done it long ago. It's about exposure. Maybe she'd get some pressure or disgust from some of those people, as well. I'm guessing she would. But maybe it just makes me look bad, and actually fuels the affair instead of damaging it.

Also, she lives in another state, but my husband spends a great deal of work time, and resources (phone, computer, time off, uses his office mailing address to get things from her) to keep up the affair. Should I tell his work? There is the risk he could be fired, which would be very bad for us financially. She doesn't work with him, but he certainly has quite a set-up there to help fuel the affair, unmonitored. He is fairly high-up, no one checks up on him.

I just keep reading things on here about exposure, trying to think if there's anything more I can do to damage this a little, or if it would just cause more damage to our disintegrated marriage, and confirm my "awfulness," that it's "all my fault."

I would expose to all of those people. Send messages out to her facebook friends, classmates, everyone. Let them know what kind of a person she is. Your post is too long to read, but I am assuming you have exposed to the OW's family? If not, I would let them know so they understand this is nothing more than an affair with a married man.

So sorry for your predicament.

I would private message them using the message feature instead of posting to their walls. But yes, definitely - expose.

label her as the stalker she is - apologize for having to unfriend them but you don't want to have a stalker using your friends to keep tabs on you.

Wow. She is going to hate her little facade getting busted up. Do it! My nana used to call this type of person 'all fur coat and no knickers'. This means they only have the outward appearances of the good life an nothing beneath!

Vets - she also mentions exposing to workplace even though OW isnt a co-worker. Should she? I think that's a great idea but I hesitate as Ive not seen that situation before.

Thanks for the thoughts. I just needed some opinions on whether it was valid, or would just appear vindictive. Revenge is not my angle - there's a lot more I could and would have done if that's what I wanted. But I do want to dissipate the ridiculous facade fairytale.

Sorry - the post is too long. Bottom line: I asked if I should inform mutual facebook friends (OW keeps adding my "friends" to her list), and if I should inform my husband's work. They don't work together - she's out of state. But he spends a great deal of time and resources at work on the affair (phone for texting, computer for emails and cybersex, work address to receive packages, takes time off, etc.) It's definitely impacting his job. He's had a couple of questions arise regarding his performance - never had issues like that before (because so much time and energy goes into the affair), but he's too high up for many people to really check up on him. Downside is if he gets fired, that hurts the kids and me. Worth the risk for the exposure, or hit to the affair, or not?

Yes , expose the affair to your friends and hers on facebook. For work send a letter cc his boss the HR director and the Chairman, advise them he is conducting an affair on company time using company assets. Do not forewarn him for either exposures.

Thanks.