I don't know of any article about it. He talks about it on this radio show so I just bumped a thread about the radio show.

EEEEEEKKKK - in the middle of a custody battle. The parent who facilitates the parenting relationship with the other parent the best 'wins'. So not letting him know - yikes. Currently custodial, residential parent and he is MAD about that. BTW, I have a great record of good communication, but I certainly don't want to blow it when we are so close to the end.

That is nonsense. There is nothing that can't be passed through an intermediary. You don't need to be in contact to be a good parent. I would tell your attorney the reasons you are going into Plan B, where the idea comes from, and tell her to make sure your back is covered.

Oh - I meant eeekkk about not telling him about school events. I would LOVE NOTHING MORE than not to have to deal with him at those..... Yes, I agree, that absolutely could tell him about them could be done through an IM.

The thing that stinks is that he does not keep up with the school newsletters (hello - ONLINE!!!!!) and will miss events, then be mad that I did not inform him, or claim that he doesn't get the info - and send emails to the school about how disappointed he is in their poor communication. Yep - the blame gets thrown EVERYWHERE!!!! ha ha - imagine this - the kids counselor is also a 'poor communicator'..... man oh man....

That is his job to get information about their events. You are not his mommy. Why should this be YOUR responsibility? He is a big boy who has abandoned his family for some ho. It is up to him to compensate for that, not you.

If he is mad because you didn't inform him, then he can call him's mommy. But you won't know because you will be in PLAN B!

School events and etc.

He needs to pursue finding out about those on his own. You do not need to send messages about that. He is an adult who can communicate with the teachers as well as any other adult. It is HIS responsibility.

You give the teacher the information that you and he are not a couple and she needs to communicate (any conference he wants) seperately. No negative talk about him. Just the facts that you are not having direct contact with him. Period.

If you have something like this come up and go and he is there though you assumed he would not be there.....you tell him you would appreciate if he does not sit with you. Smile and no jibber jabber.

You allow him the oppurtunity to step up to the plate and be a parent. He does what he is capable of doing. To a lesser or greater involvment.

You are not his referee or parent. You assume he will do well and try not to be dissappointed when he doesn't.

IMs do have an easy job.

Oh...and it being 18months. That isn't that long of a time. I know it seeeeeeems like it has been. Marriage Builder plans still give you a plan to deal with it. Better plan than no plan or other plans. YK?

Plan C on Harley's radio show: here

Thank you Melody and Reading.

I listened to Plan C. That's definitely where we were. greeaaaat...... But now I have found MB. But man oh man - plan B - prepare for 2 years. 2 years of no contact with my husband... ouch. But to face reality...I sure don't have him now, do I?

I guess this is what I need to do to protect myself and heal. But it scares me that like Dr. Harley said - Be prepared that it could be no contact for life.

My WS is very stubborn, NEVER wrong, the fault is ALWAYS blamed on someone else. Just like all WS's. But MAN, does it HURT!!!!!

So, not to be stupid, but our final divorce date is supposed to be this Fall. Obviously Plan B is put on hold for court appearances.

I need to start thinking about a letter... can I mention the reason I am going into no contact - due to the extreme hurt that this affair has caused?

Better Days Ahead - please!

Do your best to avoid seeing him even in court. And most especially AVOID MEDIATION!! That is a nightmare. Ask your attorney if you really have to be there and avoid it if you can. Often we have found the BS doesn't even have to be there.


Of course! Pattern your letter after the one in SAA. I posted it. Keep it short and post it before you give it to him. We will give you feedback.

Does a letter in Plan B ever make the OW and WH work harder to stay together - knowing that the wife does still 'want' him? Especially when a copy is sent to her?

Is it an ego boost for the WH?

One of his last texts to me stated - he knows I hate him. I did not reply. Projection? Cuz deep down he hates himself? But I did not want to stroke his ego or 'make it okay' for him. The truth is, I hate what he's done and continues to do. I hate that he's destroyed our family. But as for him - I feel absolutely sorry that he has chosen this path. I would not want to live with the choices he has made.

Anyone care to interpret? Or do you need the whole text?

~BDA

Oh - also - clarification needed - the 2 years that Dr. Harley mentions that most affairs don't survive? 2 years from when? The start of the affair? The discovery of the affair?

August 2009 - he was giving her 'office' gifts - an iPhone!!! For work of course!!! But she is proudly showing it to a mutual friend of ours (I find out MUCH later). In front of me - no big deal - needed it for work. Buys me one shortly there after.
October 2009 - I notice his distance
November 2009 - I confront him and he tells me - he feels like he's done, let's go to MC. I freak and he says 'we are going to MC, not a Divorce Lawyer.
November 2009 - 113 text messages sent back and forth with OW while we are watching a movie together but on different couches - I don't discover these until January.
December 31, 2009 - mentions her name 16! times during dinner, that night starts sleeping on couch, has been discussing moving out. Moves out Feb. 2010, instant divorce papers served, THEN finally admits that a 'relationship has now developed with his (married) secretary' (After all, we're SEPARATED, so it is perfectly FINE) !!!!!

So when do I count this magical 2 years till going down in flames???? Or am I so lucky that they will be the 5% that head toward marriage??????

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Objective opinions that can see this for what it really is are WELCOME!!!!

Stop!

You are over thinking everything!

The copy of the letter simply tell OW the score from your perspective. It isn't going to be detrimental from that angle. It simply says it isn't over and done. That YOU broke it off (contact) and not her 'love'. (hee hee). That you WILL rebuild with him someday (ha ha to her).

Anyway.

The two years is from discovery and exposure but it is not magic nor written in stone. Don't count on it.

Remove yourself from the drama. Learn to live minus the mister and perhaps you will get back together in the future. Perhaps not. You can only control your own actions and protect what is left of your chances to rebuild a marriage with that particular man.

The plan is better than no plan. The plan is trustworthy. Not a guarentee that the marriage will survive but that YOU will!

YK?

Thanks, Reading.

Best thing I ever did was to remove myself and the kids from the drama by changing my kids school so they did not have to deal with the POSOW kids in their classes!!!!! Nor did I have to deal with the 'new couple' at every school concert, play, event, etc., etc., etc.

Now it is time to remove HIM from my life as well - even if it is just the pick ups or minor contacts here and there. With the summer schedule it has been very damaging, since he has them more in the summer - during the school year it is every other weekend and Wed. eves only - and I can't WAIT to get back to that schedule - then I can go a whole WEEK without seeing him - that is VERY good. So I am thinking Plan B is really going to be good for MY healing.

Looking forward to getting the letter in place, and the intermediary....

~BDA

Was this affair fully exposed?

Plan B will cause problems in their A because she wants you GONE, and this shows that you aren't gone, yet. Also, when she sees how ANGRY he gets when you won't talk to him, OW'll wonder why he is so mad anyways.

BUTTTTT that isn't going to be the main reason that you want to go into Plan B.

Also, let him find out about school events himself. If it's available online, then you aren't keeping it from him. And besides, his OW/sec should be able to find these things out for him, it's part of "being with" him. She gets the joys of taking care of his needs now.

Have you told your children about the A?

Thanks Scotty and Melody!

Affair was widely exposed - but not in the Dr. Harley way (it was BEFORE I knew about MB) So yes, they had time to do damage control - you know the typical - they were both MISERABLE for years crap. Whole (very small) school knows, they hold their heads up and bulldoze their way in - well, at least my WH does. He invites himself (through the kids) to events, since the children attended there up until last year. His sense of ENTITLEMENT is HUGE!!! She has been and still is a 'lurker'. Arrives just in time to slip into the back of the room, stands along the wall, small chit chat, peaceful smile, slips out, never volunteers for anything, but will occasionally 'help' the day of any events, but will never commit her name to a sign up sheet. Her husband was initially devastated, but quickly moved in with another mom in the school who was going through a divorce and husband had just left her. !!! That was the final straw for me - WAY TOO Jerry Springer for me - and, as custodial residential parent, I pulled those kids so fast, no one saw it coming.

Yes, kids know about the affair. They know her, and afterall, have to go visit Dad at HER house where he now lives. Thank you lawyer for putting the no paramour contact in place, so at least they don't have to be with her - of course it has been broken, but they don't have to sleep at that house. Kids at first were not happy about school move, but when they realized that everyone in each of their classes would know that their Dad ran off with so and so's Mom, they were RELIEVED to be out of the drama, gossip, and whispers. Now they started fresh, where no body knows - unless they choose to tell. And surprise - they haven't!

That's funny about him getting angry... but darn, I won't be privy to that, will I? rats!

Working on securing my IM for Plan B, still thinking about letter to write...it is HARD, because he has been SO DESTRUCTIVE. I still love him but the stuff he has done...well, that's what makes me realize that he is in such a bad place. My husband would be appalled at one of the things he did - and this alien has done TEN appalling things... wayward fog - he is in it DEEP!

Anyway - my question - I have ordered my books - do you recommend reading them first to execute a proper Plan B? Lord knows, I have messed up a lot since I did not know Dr. H's principles and just found MB.

Can I stop answering the door and just let the children go out (they are old enough) now, before a letter and IM? Or would this be Plan B in a smattering way? Do I need to execute it all at once?

Better Days Ahead....need the relief.....

Execute it all at once. One fell swoop.
Enjoy each moment until that time.
Though he is being awful, until plan B, go to the door and smile and get a glimmer of joy and laughter in your eyes as the kids go.
Remark about how handsome he looks.
Tell them to have a good time together.

Once you plan B, none of that so enjoy each moment of it until. Despite your WH being awful. Do it for you more than him though it'll leave an impression in his mind somewhere down deep.

YK?

Thanks, Reading,

YAY! Something I've been doing right! I have been telling the kids, have a good time - with a light, easy breezy smile on my face for quite a while now.

HA! Matter of fact - when he picked them up this weekend - I actually said, "Happy Anniversary." In a very pleasant tone. I figured - what the heck - it was probably my last chance to wish him one while we were married. The end of an era, ya know? Caught him off guard with that one! His delayed reply, "Sure."

So was this a no no?

So another thing about the NC. When he first moved out, he gave both kids cell phone (yah, that backfired...they only used them to call ME!) But he would never answer the phone when I would call, text, etc. Seriously - was NOT pestering him - it was only occasional contact. It's like he was doing Plan B - only without a letter, without an intermediary, etc. (Probably didn't want to be cheating on his cheating, huh?) So when I got fed up - I used the kids cell phone to call him - of course - answered immediately!!! Only to instantly angrily tell me, "do not call me on the kids phone!" Well, WTF, how was I supposed to get a hold of him?

oh brother...well I have to say, I am even feeling better about moving towards Plan B. Can't wait to get my books...

BD, you don't need to wait for the books to go into Plan B. You can glean enough from that thread I linked, using the letter I posted. In your case, I would trim the letter down to about half and tailor it to meet your situation.

You should also write up a list of possible ways he can get through - because he will try to break through! - and think of ways to prevent it. For example, what is your plan for when he calls? Emails, etc? You need to take steps to BLOCK every attempt. IT IS UP TO YOU TO ENSURE NO CONTACT IN PLAN B, NOT HIM. You can expect him to test your resolve to see if you really mean it.