[quote=TheRoad.
BH4's WW gave him an OC.
[/quote]

"OC" is ?

Thanks for the words and that link to Bob Pure's page from years back. Holy cow. If you a BH and have not read that, do so. Its the comments after that are so good.

Im going to go back and print some of those pages, but one thing someone wrote at the very end of hit reply to Bob was:

After that I found the secret to recovering our M. Lighten up and have fun together. Stop obseesing over the past and start living again.

I look back onto not just the period she was in the A, but my whole life I never lightened up and had fun. My buddy and I were talking guy talk on the email as guys tend to a few weeks back. Pumping our chesting and talking about woman (as committed, married men often do yet dont act on it, thank you very much). He's not in on the A, so when the topic of my wife came up and he said he likes my wife the best out of all of his wifes friends, but she needs to loosen up and relax, I was kind of surprised.

So, Im going to work on this. Relax, loosending up, having fun with her and like the past subside into history. Maybe try to start living again.

Whew! (deep breath) Here we go.

PS. Go read that Bob Pure's post. Chilling.

Looks like you are at that place where it is like their is no wind in the sails and it's a dead sea

The problem is you have years worth of triggers and learning how to cope with a less than perfect marriage, and no one to sacrifice.

The subdued anger and things you did feeling like there was probably something wrong, you felt it, but plowed ahead anyways single handedly doing what was right , ( they are just silly emotional women), backfired. They might have wanted, but never needed, your heroism after all.

Well again for support I will tell you that it is all part of the process, and you will have again make choices on thoughts you decide to entertain. As long as the EPs are in place, and you are practicing the UA time, and are working together, you have a chance to change your lives together.

Now that you have a community that can support and a great head coach, for objectiity in marrige relationships, you two can make it uniquely your marrige again, until the principles are so much part of how you each think, you can't tell them apart from your own opinion.

Enthusiasm will come, excitement will return, when you both realize this is the only way back to fight for your marrige, and want to fight, the time is NOW, to work on your thought life, and bring in the actions that demonstrate change, for both of you.

It will happen if you keep following the plan, together

I was a faithful husband who apparently is guilty of not providing some BS material things my shallow W got from someone else for many years

...and in spite of your innocence you got screwed over.

Yep, what she did is impossibly hurtful, and to use your word, "evil". She gave you a spit-load of hurtful "yesterdays".

Now, yet again, I'm going to re-orient you to today. How was she today? Loving? Caring? Attentive and sympathetic to your need for healing? I'll assume that her "evilness" was not evident in her actions or attitudes.

Now let's look at all the upcoming tomorrows. Which "she" do you expect to be there? The "evil" one who betrayed you so abysmally? Or the remorseful one who does what she can to help you?

In the 1850's Dan Sickles was a Congressman from NYC, whose much younger wife had an extensive affair with another man. Old Dan pocketed a derringer, called on the OM, and put a bullet between his eyes. Dan was found "Not Guilty" in a sensational trial.

Those days are over. Estrogen-dominated "society" has foolishly (tragically?) decided that betrayed husbands cannot exact revenge themselves, which certainly would provide a huge cleansing action to their battered psyches, in addition to possibly causing future potential OMs second thoughts before boning someone's wife.

So, letting OM's actions with your WW continue to torture you yields power to him that he does not deserve. Focus on today and tomorrow, with your wife and family. Force your thoughts away from the ones that bring pain.

OC means other child. Where OM gets WW pregnant with his child.

Yes don't get me going, in a perfect world...


Here is the wisdom, you must control your thoughts, because they will control your future, and your heart. "Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it come the issues of life" It goes farther than the groceries and rent also, those are just the details.

This is a chance for growth for your wife also,as she has a chance for it now like never before, in the midst of adversity. Thats how growth happens many times, even at the worse times it seems.

Hang in there. One day at a time

Working hard on this. Hard.

NG is absolutely right. And good on ya for working on it! Three years out and I still occasionally (sometimes more) struggle with obsessing on oms. It can be a daily struggle sometimes, but it gets easier with time brother.

Be patient with yourself too! I remember an old Irish saying: You can ask so much of a man and nothing more...

Well duh. We all have our limits... Thing is, they are usually much higher than we give ourselves credit for. You CAN do this, and you can do it well.

CV

This is where I find myself also, and my advice is the same, do not let one thing this OM idiot have dominion on your life, or thoughts, rise above it.

CV I am glad you are here at that stage of recovering also. Although my sitch was different it was the same with timeline and memories, after 3 years I was still kicking out negative thoughts but was definatly doing better. But I was alone and without the guidance and counseling like we have here.

God has a plan, and we are in it, as His beloved.
Thanks Dr H.

MSS, a while ago Stretch123 asked me, on my thread, to list the factors that facilitated my (our) recovery, following d-night. My answer, typically, was much too long, but the summary paragraph might possibly help you:

On the other side, I made it obvious that all I wanted and expected from her was honesty, and willingness to TOGETHER fix what had ruptured. I wanted no �pound of flesh�, I asked for no �mea culpas�, or �scarlet letters�. After the initial jumble lasting about six weeks, as we dealt with my legal issues, while handling some of the elementary �How do we approach each other now?� questions, and I had, as I�ve mentioned, re-proposed marriage, I did arrange for a second wedding ceremony on 13 August. By that time, as explained, I was so much more worried about her mental state than my mental pain, that there was absolutely no chance that we would fail. The one thing, then, that I did that I take some pride in is that I accepted that her �transgressions� ended with my discovery, and I could assure her that my �failures� to support our marriage ended at discovery. If she would commit the same effort toward recovery as I, we had nothing to fear.

Further down the thread, I added:

Ya know, Stretch (and others), the most remarkable thing about our recovery is that we did it blind. I never found this site until March '10, roughly eight months after d-night. I stumbled upon the major tenets of MB (O&H, UA, EN-satisfaction) through the inefficient trial-and-error method (kinda like looking for landmines by stomping around in snowshoes, listening for a big BANG!), but when I did find MB, and started reading, I felt like yelling, "Hey, I did THAT!", "I know THAT works!", and "Oh, cool, it ties together THAT way!"

For good or ill, I had to "discover" most of the MB recovery principles and tactics without this site. You, alternatively, have this site, and have the support and guidance of dozens of folks. You have told us, and it's most certainly evident:

Working hard on this

I think you are now in a position to transition to:

Working well on this

Whaddaya say?

Yeah NG, spooky isn't it? Like many of the revelations of Gods truth and my inability to see it, until I had sufficiently burned my hand so bad on the proverbial stove that I finally understood that proverb the way he spoke it and what it meant

" Oh crap NOW I get it, it means even more than I first thought "

When you learn the hard way and then discover the instruction book you know you can trust that book indeed

Same with me and MB cept we didn't follow all the principles and diciplines, and are they really that hard?

I like what you said about not looking for your pound of flesh, and that you were concerned for her
I think we get there when trust is rebuilt and with time.

NG

It is about time. Time I let go of all issues pertaining to time like the amount of time she was in the A, time we lost in our marriage, and time to get on getting on. Agreed.

We're here as needed to keep you focused, Mike.

Good thought. Time is the one thing we can't ever get back. All we do, say and think is bound in time. What we do with the time given is what sets us apart.

Big Mike,

You are making strides. No shame. I've also seen you branching out and beginning to try to lend your own experience to others. As you progress in this aspect of the game, you may find that helping others helps you.

It will allow you to look at your own situation from a different angle, an outside angle.

Don't let the bumps in the road get you down, brother. Mind on the finish line, and soldier on!

So true HHH, Im gonna get mushy here a bit, but there is a song playing again on my Iphone that reminds me of higher things that we sometimes find we are forced to embrace in life to get peace.
"The heart of the matter", by Don Henley.

Just a few lines, I hope they are encouraging and help you to move forward and cement your marriage even deeper.

And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

These times are so uncertain
Theres a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
Theyre the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesnt keep me warm

And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought Id figured out
I have to learn again
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter

There are people in your life whove come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin that anger; itll eat you up inside, baby


But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter


Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
But I think its about forgiveness


__________________

Now I remember when this song was new, and my DD who is now 27 was 4, and I was taking for the day because me and my W were done but I wanted to be with DD.

I had the tape, and we would sing the song, and she would ask to sing "Forgivness Daddy!" she had no idea what was going on, because she was so young, W had told her I was away at colledge. I was still pretty hardened and it would take some time before I would feel like things were going well again, and we had hope, but it really was to me the only answer if I wanted peace. Forgiveness and total absolution? Thats not mine to give, and I will never pretend to have that power, but trust did get earned, and it got closer, as it was proven over time.

God Bless you and both of you as this works out over time, make it the catylst for a better and stronger marriage.

NG, CV, CP, HHH, et al,

I by no means think Im out of the woods. I have some lousy days lately but Ive read some stuff here over the weekend that really put my head on straight. It was sort of like one of the episodes of Scared Straight where juvenile deliquents get ripped apart in jails by convicted felons. (Sorry, you guys are the felons in my scenario.)

I have a woman who is still desperate for me to accept her back which is really a fantastic thing. NG-you said it the other day, the lady Im with today and since May 8, IS NOT the person who lived the lie and almost ripped the lives apart of her family. She freaking hates that person. She has made so many strides toward bettering herself and not the least of which is working diligently to make me whole again.

And, yes, I do enjoy chiming in with "newbies" when I think I can help them rationalize the unrationable. I see how those who have survived an A and actually those whose marriages did not still take the time to write and some have been on here for a very long time. Maybe its a bit of misery loves company, but mostly its a cathartic experience helping another get thru a real bad scene.

And, lastly, CP, I have heard this song like all of us have a million times and reading the words just now has me weepy. A good weepy, but weepy nonetheless. My W is very busy today, but I will send her the words to read because they say a lot about us.

"(Time to) get busy living, or get busy dying" -Red. (Not sure how appropriate this quote is but it came to mind. Im going to put it in my signature, if I can remember how.)

...you guys are the felons in my scenario.

Hey, don't exaggerate! I was only charged with a misdemeanor! How about you, CP?

But I get your point - we came through! And like the Daniel Boones of the "Recovery Kentucky", we're committed to assisting others follow our trails. As you pointed out, it's a continuation of the shared experience.

OK Mike if we are doing songs, let me share what I have learned about real FWW's and why I call mine Grace:

(by the way... Only real men listen to u2)

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk

She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything

Convicted Domestic Abuse. Funny thing though, the day we went to court one of my favorite Pastors from my church and a Very powerful Lawyer in this state who was also semi retired and teaching at the Bible colledge were there for sombody else. I had never met the lawyer formally but he seemed to be impressed because of my reputation, and had heard a lot about me. He beamed and shook my hand eagerly.

So here we are, in court for a domestic violence case? Ah how the mighty had fallen, lol. After the judgement was given and the sentence, The prominent Lawyer pulled me aside and offered to help me write a letter to the judge to exsponge the record. He knew the judge pretty well.

So what is funny is that I did not care at that point and was only interested in getting this drug out of my wife and getting her home. Little else mattered. Addiction issues had ruined so much of our lives thruogh the years, our family was all I had left of our dreams, that we would at least stay togehter.

And to that when she got busted for posession I took the rap because I didn;t want to see her sit in a jailcell in withdrawel, and you have a second conviction. It turns out WW was dirty anyways and went to jail, but without any prior convictions, she walked again.

Now funny side story, I had to go pee clean for six months 3 times a week, which was no problem for me, but, lol, you will love this..The PO was a hard guy, which also I respected, because this city is filthy with drugs. Now the day when I went to court to get released from the pee tests, the PO was late, and when I went to him after court and told him the judge had realised me, he had me meet him in his office. I was polite as usual and allways respectful. When I saw him in there he brought in two cops from another town,(the nearby town the first altercation happened), and they took me up to that county for lockup over the weekend. The company I worked for somehow found out about me being there and sent up a lawyer and bailed me out on Monday, but the PO now had the ability to make me Pee clean again for six more months.

Yes our justice system is grand is it not? I called the cops to get some treatment for my wife, and I go to jail for a fight she started, and I just restrained her. She never was forced to rehab either. Now I have two convictions and I probably can go see that same lawyer to help me expunge them, but now having a clean record really doesn't mean much to me. I have met people who are hard core addicts and petty thieves, who would steal your last dollar, who have a clean record, and they have been busted many times.

I know it was my fault, that I was arrogant enough to tie a anchor around my ankle and insist I could swim the english channel, all in the name of God and "Lurve". fo a very sick woman who refused to be helped, and I took much of the damage her actions and decsions brought on. I am aware of my mistakes, but I should have never trusted the law I have allways supported and respected, and even wanted to at one time in my life represent, as a policeman and/or a lawyer, or a DAs office to really help people, not turn it into a bussiness. They didn't see what was going on, and that I was a man trying to save my wife, even though I was desparate.

I have been thinking of getting the record expunged, but like I said only because it is embarrassing in the public eyes, not because I belive it proves I am innocent to anybody. If I do get it cleared, it will only be so I can work in secure areas again, but law enforcement? That dream is gone. Thats OK there are other dragons to slay, Im' not done yet.

Well as Paul Harvey said, "Now you know...the REST, of the story..Good Day!"

Love U2