|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
My H and I POJA'd a threesome. We went out this weekend and picked up another guy (well, I picked up another guy) and we brought him back to our place. This was a fantasy of both of ours for quite some time.
Now, I feel guilty, even though my H was there and enjoyed himself. Should I feel guilty?
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
POJA is not some magic pixy dust that makes everything moral or healthy. You can POJA the destruction of your marriage.
POJAing infidelity does not make infidelity moral or healthy. This is a major blow to your marriage, even if the two of you enjoyed it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
POJA is not some magic pixy dust that makes everything moral or healthy. You can POJA the destruction of your marriage.
POJAing infidelity does not make infidelity moral or healthy. This is a major blow to your marriage, even if the two of you enjoyed it. Ok. What can we do to fix it at this point?
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
I'm regretting it so much.  I love my husband and I don't want to lose him or ruin my marriage. I feel horrible. Please help.
Last edited by hbd; 07/25/11 04:08 PM.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780 |
I'm regretting it so much. I love my husband and I don't want to lose him or ruin my marriage. I feel horrible. Please help. Start with some radical honesty...tell your husband what you said here....you regret it and you feel horrible about it. And then vow to yourself and him and God you will never. repeat that.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
I'm regretting it so much. I love my husband and I don't want to lose him or ruin my marriage. I feel horrible. Please help. Start with some radical honesty...tell your husband what you said here....you regret it and you feel horrible about it. And then vow to yourself and him and God you will never. repeat that. Back up that vow with some Extraordinary Precautions (EPs). You need to ensure that this will never happen again. Both of you need to ensure that. Get "Surviving an Affair." Read it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
I'm regretting it so much. I love my husband and I don't want to lose him or ruin my marriage. I feel horrible. Please help. Start with some radical honesty...tell your husband what you said here....you regret it and you feel horrible about it. And then vow to yourself and him and God you will never. repeat that. Thanks. Yes, I already told my H that I regret it and feel guilty. He says I shouldn't because he wanted it just as much as me. He doesn't get it. I have vowed to never do it again. I just worry that my H does not feel badly about it. He thought it was great and he didn't even do anything wrong...just watched mostly. How can I get him to understand that this was bad for our marriage?
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My H and I POJA'd a threesome. We went out this weekend and picked up another guy (well, I picked up another guy) and we brought him back to our place. This was a fantasy of both of ours for quite some time.
? The purpose of the POJA is to make your marriage better, not WORSE. IT is not intended to faciliate destructive, disgusting marriage wrecking behavior. If you want to find out how destructive adultery is, and particularly swinging, just read about the wrecked lives in this forum and in the radio archives. There have been many radio segments over the years about what a DISASTER swinging is. Is the next step for your H to commit adultery too? Does he get to pick up a woman to even the score?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
I'm regretting it so much. I love my husband and I don't want to lose him or ruin my marriage. I feel horrible. Please help. Start with some radical honesty...tell your husband what you said here....you regret it and you feel horrible about it. And then vow to yourself and him and God you will never. repeat that. Back up that vow with some Extraordinary Precautions (EPs). You need to ensure that this will never happen again. Both of you need to ensure that. Get "Surviving an Affair." Read it. This was an affair?
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
My H and I POJA'd a threesome. We went out this weekend and picked up another guy (well, I picked up another guy) and we brought him back to our place. This was a fantasy of both of ours for quite some time.
? The purpose of the POJA is to make your marriage better, not WORSE. IT is not intended to faciliate destructive, disgusting marriage wrecking behavior. If you want to find out how destructive adultery is, and particularly swinging, just read about the wrecked lives in this forum and in the radio archives. There have been many radio segments over the years about what a DISASTER swinging is. Is the next step for your H to commit adultery too? Does he get to pick up a woman to even the score? NO! We had already agreed that he could not be with another woman because I could not handle that. He wanted to see me with someone else. That was the fantasy. And this will be it, no more swinging. I can't take it. The problem is that my H doesn't feel it is bad because he agreed to it.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
So it was his idea?
How did you honestly feel about that beforehand?
I get the impression that his 'no big deal' reaction to this is making you feel a bit uneasy. Did you want him to feel jealous?
Is this behaviour of his new or has be always been into the idea of sharing you out like that?
Personally, it worries me. My h used to be very protective of me and would go mad if men even spoke to me inappropriately. When he was wayward though, he stopped this, even made very odd jokes about me having sex with his friends!
I just think its a disrespectful attitude. THATS what bothers you. Because you 'couldnt handle' seeing him with someone else. However he has no problem seing you do it. It would bug me too.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554 |
My H and I POJA'd a threesome. We went out this weekend and picked up another guy (well, I picked up another guy) and we brought him back to our place. This was a fantasy of both of ours for quite some time.
Now, I feel guilty, even though my H was there and enjoyed himself. Should I feel guilty? First thing - if you and your H agreed to it, then by definition it's not infidelity / cheating. It's extra-marital sex. Secondly, are you sure that the emotion you're experiencing is guilt? Or is it regret?
ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
While it wasnt dishonest, letting someone else meet your needs IS the fast track to an affair. In this case, admiration? SF?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
So it was his idea?
How did you honestly feel about that beforehand?
I get the impression that his 'no big deal' reaction to this is making you feel a bit uneasy. Did you want him to feel jealous?
Is this behaviour of his new or has be always been into the idea of sharing you out like that?
Personally, it worries me. My h used to be very protective of me and would go mad if men even spoke to me inappropriately. When he was wayward though, he stopped this, even made very odd jokes about me having sex with his friends!
I just think its a disrespectful attitude. THATS what bothers you. Because you 'couldnt handle' seeing him with someone else. However he has no problem seing you do it. It would bug me too. You are absolutely right. It makes me sad that he isn't jealous. I think I thought that he wouldn't actually go through with it. I don't know. This was just a huge mistake. I'm scared of what is going to happen to our marriage. I'm worried that we are going to fall apart now. .
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
While it wasnt dishonest, letting someone else meet your needs IS the fast track to an affair. In this case, admiration? SF? Yes, admiration for sure.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
My H and I POJA'd a threesome. We went out this weekend and picked up another guy (well, I picked up another guy) and we brought him back to our place. This was a fantasy of both of ours for quite some time.
Now, I feel guilty, even though my H was there and enjoyed himself. Should I feel guilty? First thing - if you and your H agreed to it, then by definition it's not infidelity / cheating. It's extra-marital sex. Secondly, are you sure that the emotion you're experiencing is guilt? Or is it regret? I'm not sure. I just feel bad.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554 |
I think I thought that he wouldn't actually go through with it. POJA requires that you don't do something unless you both ENTHUSIASTICALLY AGREE to do it. I'm getting the impression here that engaging in extra-marital sex was not something you were very enthusiastic about, and you had to be "convinced" by your H. Is that correct?
ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Dr. Harley puts one-night-stands on the affair continuum (pg 21-26 of Surviving an Affair). He calls it an emotionless affair. "... whether an affair is one-night-stand, years of intimate friendship, or anything in between, the way to end the affair and restore a marriage is essentially the same. So even though my examples throughout this book relate to the affairs of soul mates, the methods I suggest for ending an affair and restoring the marriage can be applied to all affairs." (pg 26) Call it an affair, or not. Adultery. Infidelity. Fact is, you were unfaithful. Dr. Harley's methods will help restore your marriage. Read his books.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
I think I thought that he wouldn't actually go through with it. POJA requires that you don't do something unless you both ENTHUSIASTICALLY AGREE to do it. I'm getting the impression here that engaging in extra-marital sex was not something you were very enthusiastic about, and you had to be "convinced" by your H. Is that correct? No, I wanted to do it at the time. I thought it would be fun (and it was), but I didn't think about how I would feel afterwards. I guess I thought my H would be more aprehensive. If he had said one word about not wanting to do it, I wouldn't have gone through with it...but he didn't. At the time, I was glad..but, now I'm sad.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
317
guests, and
67
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,621
Posts2,323,490
Members71,959
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
