You can find links to my thread here but in short - discovered H's long term affair with co-worker. Tried to get to recovery but husband refused to change jobs in order to avoid seeing OW and that was my bottom line. We are divorcing and he's being very difficult. One young child another on the way.

FuzzyWuzzy's Surviving An Affair Thread

FuzzyWuzzy's Divorce Thread

Anyway, just found out that a relative of mine - someone I see really only on holidays - is a serious wayward. Cheated on wife, OW found out he was married, contacted wife who threw him out and then he proceeded to drag out their divorce (sought alimony from her but eventually lost).

We also found out some nasty things he did to his previous wife and child. Turns out he's a real POS.

Thing is...my family (he's a cousin of mine) has always welcomed him to social functions. He's not real friendly or particularly pleasant but I always talked with him. We went out of our way to include him.

But he reminds me so much of my WSTBXH (personality, how he treated his wife, how he acted during divorce, how he made his EX out to be unsociable when it was really him all along). I do not want to go out of my way to have him at family functions and I do not want him to ever come to my house again. Is this unreasonable?

I feel like if I have him over to my house and even acknowledge his presence, I am supporting a wayward (like my WSTBXH). And, I wish someone on my inlaws side would take a stand against my H and what he has done but they are not like my family...we actually have principles. His family is disgusted with him.

Anyone gone through trauma of affair only to have to deal with it again through another family member?

Certainly not.

I would say that you SHOULD stand up to your cousin and you should tell him WHY you are making these decisions.

He won't care, and it may do NOTHING to help him. It MAY show other people the way, and that is HUGE.

While I was finding out my WH was having an affair, my mother was having an affair. She had left my father to live with OM about over a year before I found this site. When I found this site, I finally realized how poorly I was behaving. I didn't feel like I was accepting the affair, but I definitely wasn't doing enough to CONDEMN it. That changed. I told my mother that I and my children wouldn't be anywhere near OM anymore. I wouldn't allow him to call here when she was here visiting her grandchildren, and I no longer would discuss OM. My sister and brother also started to stand up against the A. The affair didn't last 6 months longer, and my mom has actually said that it was in part because of the family standing against it.

I really wish that someone in my WH's family would stand up to him, but even my own father hasn't said anything to my WH, and he wouldn't. It makes me so sad, but it doesn't stop me from doing what is right.

It takes real courage to go against what everyone else is doing. Doing what is right isn't often easy.

Of course! And I would let everyone know why too. Be prepared for others to criticize you for not being a moral coward, though. Most people are moral cowards and actively put down anyone who actually has the courage of their convictions and the courage to admit knowing right from wrong. You will be called the DREADED "judgmental" .... and told you should "rise above it" [by being a moral coward ]

Oh ML, don't forget, she'll probably be called, "BITTER." That is ALWAYS brought up when you are a BS, and it is most often NOT true.

"I'm not bitter. I have standards and care about the company I keep."

Thanks for the comments.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I have already told my mother that she is to never invite him over to our house again...and if she does, I will take my kids and go. Or else, there will be a scene like...please pass the potatoes, cheater.

This is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me and i do not need a reminder of how selfish and disgusting unrepentant waywards are...especially on happy family events like Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I do feel some remorse though...he has a young daughter who, if he has her on holidays, will not be included at my house. Not sure how to get around that. I don't want her excluded but he is definitely not welcome.

Maybe you could include the daughter and her betrayed mother in special events. However, hanging out with her wayward spouse's distant family might not be her idea of fun right now so, instead, invite her over or out for dinner some time and maintain the relationship with HER and her daughter.

It's tough though because absent learning on this forum even regular betrayed spouses sometimes end up corrupted by the world and buying into the whole notion that saying or speaking up is just plain judgmental and wrong. Being "nice" is valued much more than being right. Black and white thinker's are ideologs and fanatics. Supposedly, behind every wayward is a person and if you can't find something nice to say about the person (that's corrupted to the core) then you better not say anything at all or else YOU are the contemptible corrupt person. Even if you reach out to her mother I hope you don't get a response from her saying, in effect..."I hope in time I'm not as bitter as you".

The more bad people there are in the world (and it's filling up with them) the less anyone will like anyone who stands up for something or someone. You see...if you tell your cousin he's wrong about his adultery, others who are joyously participating in their own sinful behaviors won't want to be judge themselves and will feel a vested interest in calling any sin a "grey area" and punishing anyone that might expose anyone fearing that they'll be next (exposed)...so they stand up to YOU, instead of standing up alongside you.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - it's happened to me here on this very forum.