I agree with the good doctor that adultery does not require dishonesty. In fact, this thread involves just such a case.

What I will disagree with though is that adultery automatically means unfaithfulness is involved.

In any case, I've TJ'd this thread just a bit too much over this issue, so this is my last post on the subject.

Your disagreement is with the dictionary, not me. Anyone can plainly see from the definition that they were "false to duty, obligation, or promises" and "not sexually faithful to a spouse or lover..." UNFAITHFUL..

Welcome to Marriage builders hbd. Sorry you are here. HOwever .. this is the right place to be for you to get some sound advice on what to do in your situation.

Heres what I would do ..

1. Tell your hubby that what you did was a mistake and that you are no longer comfortable doing ANYTHING like that again.

2. Set up some keylogger on your PC www.desktopshark.com, VAR in the car etc and snoop on your hubby to see if he may be thinking of using this against you to further his agenda or justify any sort of infedelity he may have already done. If you start snooping DO NOT CONFRONT HIM OR SHOW HIM THIS SITE! Just bring the info here for the vets to help you sort out and read up on Plan A and of course all the concepts here so you can begin to learn how to make your marriage a happy one!

I think arguing about the politics and antics of adultery/infidelity is not very helpful to this poster. The OP was honest enough to voice her opinion and admit to her fault in this situation and is now looking to heal from her mistake. LEts keep doing that ... and not scare her away!

MrNiceGuy

I wouldn't call him a "BS" at all. In what way has he been "betrayed" here?

The only way I can see any "betrayal" being involved is if hbd had other reasons for actually engaging in the threesome to meet a need of hers that she kept secret from her H.

And as for her H, as he's apparently quite happy with the outcome, my suggestion would be for her to do a bit of "snooping", to find out if there's anything that her H might be keeping from her. It's quite possible that a porn habit (or worse) is involved. There's also the possibility that he's simply had a secret and unshared fantasy about threesomes.

IMO though, the very first step here is that hbd needs to let her H know that she sincerely regrets doing what she did, she regrets agreeing to it in the first place, and it's something that will never happen again.

hbd,

While H does not see it as cheating now, there is a good chance H will see it as so in the future. My indirect experience here, from friends who told me about their threesomes, is that it leads to future problems no matter how cool everyone thinks they are.

I somehow had the sense to ignore threesomes offered to me, and after reading here on MB I am more glad I dodged that bullet.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma, I think if my FWW had at any time offered me a "threesome" (before or after she became a WW), I'd have likely started asking her some pretty serious questions!

HBD, what when through your mind when your H first raised the subject? Was he the first to raise it?

MIM

Gamma, I think if my FWW had at any time offered me a "threesome" (before or after she became a WW), I'd have likely started asking her some pretty serious questions!

Just to clear this up my W never indicated she wanted any threesomes, except of the social kind when we took OM2 out to lunch and did recreational activities with him.

The threesomes were offered to me by other women.

God Bless
Gamma

hbd,

I'm sorry to see you here, truly I am and so is everyone here. We are in this forum because we have been in affair situations before. Some of us the beleaguered spouse (bs) and some of us the (ws) wayward spouse, and each is a different situation but the causes, effects, and solutions all follow patterns. Truth is you can call what happened in the 3-way whatever you want in the end it does not matter. You are here to seek help so I don't think a label is important. What I do feel is important is that you confront your husband with "radical honesty" and tell him EXACTLY how you feel. His reaction will speak volumes to the concerns of others on this site. Most likely he is having an affair (a) whether emotional or physical. I can say this from experience as my wife tried to get me to look outside the marriage while she was having an emotional affair so she would feel less guilty. I did not take the bait, but before I realized what was going on the physical affair started. Each situation is different yes, but if I would have found this site in time I could have stopped further damage to my marriage and begun to rebuild before the foundation was all but destroyed. I care for you and your marriage and I'm sure so does everyone else here. God Bless and good luck, and please don't hesitate to ask for advice. There are many people here who can help, some have posted in this thread who helped kick me in the butt to get my plan in order (Melody Lane being one).

Again good luck and I will pray for strength and wisdom for you

If you did not use protection then you will need to get tested for STD's. Picking up a stranger is crazy.

emphasis mine

The highlighted words are concerning. As evidenced by your WH's suggestion and your enthusiastic agreement to this, your marriage has been in trouble for awhile.

Is this the first time for the threesome? Have you or your WH been with anyone else outside of your marriage before this incident? It seems like you both had/have what we call around here a "wayward mentality".

As to your original question, I guess a threesome could be POJA'd but so could robbing a bank. Does that mean it is good for your marriage? How does it establish intimacy between the two of you? It doesn't. It encourages a destructive life style.

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you? Are there any children? Who is the OM?

hbd
I would also caution you not to POJA:
1) Leaping off a cliff
2) Driving into a brick wall
3) Sky Diving without a parachute etc....

I would suggest you spend some time getting acquainted with a moral compass. The intent of morals is to provide us with guidance so we will not hurt ourselves emotionally and spiritually. Just like you have learned not to drive the wrong way on the freeway you need to learn not to drive the wrong way in your relationship by getting emotionally or physically intimate with someone other than your husband. Your marriage needs repair and that can be found in Surviving an Affair.

Wow. Thank you for all of the suggestions and advice. I will try to answer all questions asked by starting from the beginning.

My h and I have been together for 17 years. We have two young kids. We have always been very "open-minded" sexually. I must admit that I cheated on my h before we were married ( in college), but never cheated once I took my marriage vows (until this incident). My h also cheated on me last year. That is when I became aware of this site. I even posted here for a while. That thread is now burried. After my h's affair, we read hnhn, saa, and lb. We found dr Harley's advice very helpful and did it all. We became so close and open and honest that we shared all sexual fantasies and found that we both fantasized about a threesome.

At the time, we also thought that a threesome would help with some lingering issues we had with my h's affair - his guilt and my need to feel like less of a victim. We talked about it for months and decided that it could work for us to set aside the affair once and for all.

I had a long honest talk with my h last night and I do feel better now. I told him about my guilt and he admitted that he did feel jealous. We both agreed that it was a mistake that will not be repeated.

Posting on the forum is not enough. Did you ever READ the BASIC CONCEPTS?

Work the MB program.
Purchase the online program together.

*** LINK ***
Your marriage needs something more solid for both of you to grasp.

To imagine that your H's guilt would be assuaged by watching you "do" another man is insane. To imagine that your feelings of victimization would be assuaged by having your H watch you "do" another man is insane.

Your M can thrive after this with hard work and dedication and a MB PLAN !!!!,

However, ONLY getting forum opinions to repair what you have damaged ..... also insane.

Take care.

What was your original posting name?

Where in all those books did you read Dr. Harley recommend going outside your marriage for SF? I don't believe you did it all. You and your husband have very, very poor boundaries.

How? You were going to set aside his affair by having sex with another man? Sounds like a great excuse, to me.


What are you doing to ensure that it will not be repeated? If you've really read SAA, HNHN and LB, you should have some idea as to what to do.

Ummmmmmm
Lemme tink

Oh yes, peperband, I read the basic concepts many times. In addition we read hnhn, saa, and lb. We put all into place...20 hrs ua time, o&h, meeting needs, etc. It was through total o&h that we found out we both fantasized about a threesome. We just shouldn't have gone through with it.

I fantasize about being an opera diva.

You might try for loftier goals.

My posting name was hurtagainbydavid. I no longer want to use that name or thread though because my h was reading my thread.

We both read hnhn together and did everything suggested into place. I read saa and lb alone. I think I will also make my h read saa with me though because obviously we are both totally messed up. At least we r messed up together though. I would love to council with dr Harley, but we r seriously broke.

Please tell me what is "fun" about giving away your body to another man while your DH watches. That is grotesque beyond belief.