I forgot to mention her response. She was angry first. Then after my emotional breakdown she said shed transfer OT take a leave of absence. She went tru denial thathe was the reason
Later I brought up the transfer and she got pissed and she said no way. Turned it around and dEflected it with a don't u want me to be happy. Then she got angry all over again I agree she's angry. I disagree shes angry. Just cant win. And at this point I don't wast to.

Elph,

Your wife needs a dose of reality, she is foggy to the limit, until something throws her for a loop she will continue to live in that fantasy world.
I say file for separation, anything can be reserved, ask her to leave if she thinks he is her life now or she isn't happy(BS).
Then you take care of yourself and your family and just exclude her from that life, don't do anything for her, don't be that soft place, she needs to learn what her decisions are going to get her, you will be afraid, but it is the only way, give her a huge push................
You let that scum bucket other man hang himself, wait until real life the children the families all make things accountable, fantasy land won't be so much fun and my guess the grass she thinks is greener will start to look pretty bad in no time.
You let her know you love her and would be willing to work on a good marriage but only when the OM is gone for good and she is committed to the marriage.
She needs to have her eyes open, also separate the finances that should send her the message that you will not tolerate this while you are still together, she wants this she gets out and leaves the kids behind.......
jessi

Elph Jessi's advice is sound, in the separation agreement make sure it includes your son staying with you and having no contact with the OM, she should challenge it you in turn stay firm and insist on it's inclusion. If your lawyer does not want to do this fire them, get a nasty lawyer who knows their stuff. Don't worry what your wife thinks she is has no concern for you.

well jessi,

looks like were gonna try it your way (which i agree with)

got an appoint ment with a lawyer tomorrow.
legal separation it is. and im praying by the holidays ths stuff comes to a halt.

though my wife said this morning, even if the A situation wansnt there, she still feels a need to find herself. that she still doenst have "those" feelings for me. yet shell say the OM cant compare to me, and im better in so many ways.

the dudes a chud. and his wife gave me the low down on how he is. my wife is going to compete with his mother for affection. hes no where near as romantic as he seems. its all fantasy. between the work hours that he can control.i dont think itll last long, but theyll stick it out just based on circumstances, not wanting it to be a waste. the kicker is, me and my wife haev been to gether since high school. 17 years. hes been with his wife for 13. all they know is long term relationships. and neither knows how to break up, so if it were to happen, there would be this back n forth destruction...



i feel like crap now...:(

annd she went ahead and paid full price for a new phone, password protected and all...just another step and another dagger through the heart..

not because i cant monitor it, but in part because of the symbolism...

but there is something else im noticing...shes starting to use (or have been really) new words and pharases ive never heard in my 17 years of knowing her...which leads me to believe hes guiding her, manipulating her...

and i think this is just the first step of a controlling situation, as it is she works in the grocery store,and deals with alot of people. hell start to get jealous of alot of the people she talks to, hes already that way with the store manager...hell become more possesive and manipulative, hell always wonder about his place with her and need constant reassurance...that will get real old real quick..


honestly, right now i just want to punch the [censored] in the face...because what it comes down to is he won..

in several texts i saw he talked about waiting for her, and how she would never leave and hed be the guy on the side..or how he would just come and take her...


and its happening, he wins because i cant take it anymore, hes outlasted me, but i know that i love her more than he ever could, and shes just so blindsided by the whole thing,,,


arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Get ready for hard Plan b , lawyer up and keep your child with you. The separation agreement must be tight and she has to pay half the bills. Find an IM who is strong enough to keep her at bay.

Get those VARs, have one on you and one in her car, every bit of intel you gather helps you.

Elph,

The OM has not won, this is still game on. You are letting yourself think this is over, this is your first mistake, You are making your next move in the plan to restore your marriage, you are forgetting this is a step by step plan.
Of course he doing all the things and saying all the things that will seduce your wife right now, but Elph that will change when he figures he has her, then his true colours will come out, this is what you want to happen.
I would cause trouble where ever I could to put doubt in his mind and hers......
I am glad you are going to a lawyer to start the ball rolling when she receives the papers it will become reality to her then she will put pressure on the OM to put together a plan for them, watch how disappointed she will be when he doesn't live up to what she thinks he is..........Reality is a lot different than that fantasy world she has been living in.....
Use your anger to put together a great plan and let the thought of you winning in the end guide you with calm, firmness and dignity.........
Let her move out you keep the kids and the family except her will stay in tact and she will be out there alone and feeling exactly that.......
Affairs have little chance of working out, they will be forced to try to trust someone who has lied and cheated with them, they will now have to worry it won't happen to them.

protect yourself, sit back and watch the show, watch the dream crash into a big heap of dung.............then when she has learned what she did wrong offer her a place at home but only if she commits to working on the marriage and offers you complete NO CONTACT with the OM for life.....
It will be hard on you, become the man she could see herself with the rest of her life, look good, smell good, be a great dad, son, friend.....
keep busy..........
jessi

Hang in there elp. I haven't read your updates in a bit. I know this is painful but you have to start planning on her hitting bottom now. This A will die. In the mean time just keep repeating your conditions to her. This is a WAR not a few single battles. Follow the plan its your best shot. He hasn't won a thing yet. You cant fix her, she has to do it. The only way thats going to happen is that you play mental war. Yep Look good, smell good and don't be surprised when her OH CRAP, what have I done moment comes. Because it will come.

ill tell you, ive been pretty much ignoring her at home..only talk is son and house stuff...she definatley seems either bothered or cant wait to get out...

im sure hes feeding her all kinds of stuff, and is even probably helping to get a place for her ready.

shes going to be served with legal separation papers on tues.

as for now she text me a few times with a have a nice day, a hi and a few

but what ever...

my aunt in law brought something up this morning. saying how one morning she went to a local breakfast place and the aunt was going to join her, but they were already there and not to come.

she asked my son if the OM was there , and he reluctantly said yes...basically shes telling my 3 1/2 year old to stay quiet when they meet.

i asked him if hes seen the OM or even if the OM has been by the house. my son just kind of went and hid under a pillow. i had to reassure him he wasnt in trouble. and that i loved him, i just asked a if mommy told him not to say anything and he said yes.

now of course this can be taken with a grain of salt, because outside of a couple times when the OM came over under the guise f friendship that i knew about, there really is no time for him to be over...but i do believe that she is telling my son to stay quiet, simply based off his reaction...

im not trying to make this dirty, but i know i have to fight for primary custody...

but does anybody know of anyway i can get to this [censored]...seriously this had crossed the line, andi just want to go up to him and beat the living [censored] out if him because its affecting my son...

not to mention my wife isnt even clearly thinking...before all this she was all about her son, but shes so warped that now shes manipulatng for this guy, and she doesnt even see it...

They will do that to the kids. My xwh even went so far as to have the ow (when she was around my son) use her MIDDLE name, not her first name and say she was a babysitter when she was around my then very young son so I would not become suspicious.

they will go to crazy length.

TAKE YOUR SON TO A CHILD PSYCH asap and DO NOT TELL THE WIFE ABOUT IT. The child psych can gently get the child to say if the mom and his aunt are DIRECTING HIM TO LIE and you can get his feelings out and DOCUMENTED FOR THE COURT showing they are mentally harming your child and that your child is scared and hurt and sad he is having to feel he has to lie for his mom's and aunt's approval or love.

JUMP ON THAT. That is HUUUUGE. That in itself, could win full custody. Just imagine, the testimony of a licensed psychologist tell the judge that your sweet, innocent child was ORDERED TO LIE BY HIS MOM AND AUNT TO COVER UP HIS MOM'S ADULTEROUS AFFAIR AND THE CHILD DEVELOPED emotional trauma as a result.

BINGO. YOU HAVE WON CUSTODY AND SAVED YOUR CHILD FROM HER AND THE POSOM AT SAME TIME.

My son would always call the posow (aka monkeyho) "Miss Yvonne" and thought she was his babysitter. Meanwhile, I knew who the ow was, and was actively trying to plan A and had done a nuclear exposure working to bust the affair up.

So one of the things that showed the affair had gone further underground was the big reveal that MS. YVONNE = MONKEYHO.

It is horrible, beyond evil what a PARENT CAN SOMETIMES DO TO THEIR OWN CHILD. If they can start by doing that to their own children as a wayward, WHERE WILL IT GO OR END?

That's why YOU GET PROACTIVE and take them to a sweet licensed child psychologist! DO NOT TELL A SOUL YOU ARE TAKING THE CHILD. IT IS ON THE DOWN LOW!

It's not the aunt, she's the one who informed me. I just got to find a way to get him there. I did get it on video when I did ask him. Like I said I don't wantto make it dirty. But I have to protect my son, though I don't think my foggy wife would do anything to hurt him. It will help bring her back to reality when ahe loses her son.

elph,

Your thread caught my attention, and I started following it. My sitch is similar to yours: long-term relationship with wife; young child from marriage; WW has A with coworker; catching and breaking up an EA, which goes underground and becomes PA; obsessing about their A; and continual disbelief that you are undergoing this ordeal.

My only advice, like that of a few others, is to stop viewing your efforts as a skirmish and start seeing them as a war. Even if your WW returned to you tomorrow, getting her back to her old self will take, what, a year or two. You're not playing a video game. You're a soldier. Winning this battle may be the fight that God intended for you. It was for Ulysses; he spent 20 years away from his family. All boys want to be heroes when they grow up, and if you win this war, you will be a hero to your son. He'll love and honor you forever. What could be more rewarding than that?

Sure, your marriage might end. But you gotta know that you did everything to save it, right? Keep up the good work.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4.0 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
Plan B/D
WW lives in Va.
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful

im printing this out and putting it in my wallet.

for some odd reason it made we want to stand up and yell, "THIS IS SPARTA|"

but then i remember they all died...


but then again, they didnt go without a fight...


the OM just doesnt have any clue to what im doing, and how much i know...between some of my friends, you guys here, and oddly enough, the OM soon to be ex,

i feel like im armed to the tooth for this war and im getting stronger everyday, esp. as the OMXW is giving me more and more info on him..i can see in my head how their relationship will self destruct...

which is good because it gets other images out of my head.

The warriors at Thermopylae died, yes, all of them. But they died because they refused to sell themselves out for safety.

I think that's a good attitude to develop. Not to die, of course, but the refusal to give up things for "safety."

Im not doing anything for safety. I'm doing it because I worked hard to get exactally what I wanted out of life. Up until recent events I had everything I needed and wanted. And worked hard to establish it.

Except the house. I wanted something a bit different but went with the wife on that one. I should've stuck to my instincts. I wanted something lower maintenance like a townhouse or condo.
Oddly enough we both agree when we bought the house is when things started to change. It was the catalyst in so many ways. The time needed to maintain could've been spent alot better.

We are simple ppl. We got away from that. If we work this out well have to reestablish those core values again and make it about family not material things.

okay, a bit of an update, and i know its been awhile...

so i filed for legal seperation in begining of june.

my wife has been searching for a place, which she secured right before fathers day. but fathers day weekend everyday she asked me questions like

"what if im making the biggest mistake of my life"
or, "what if in a year or what ever (when lease is up) do you think we can date/hope for us"

the answers from me were obvious.

Ive been in a hardcore plan A since then, and with a finite date for her to move out, its been easy.

ive enforced the idea that when she moves out, we are no longer friends. that so long as he is in her life, i am not. that i will not be second place, a back up plan, or a rebound to the affair. ill be headed in to the best plan b i can do.

conversely ive done everything to make myself the man she fell in love with and avoided the lovebusters and focused on what ENs i could. at the same time the OM sooon to be ex has supplied me with a steady stream of info on him, his quirks, a personilty profile, the whole 9 yards.

some days its been rough, some days its been easy. weve got a scheule down for our son, the money has been divided, and the havnet even gone to a mediator yet, as well she just filed her response last tuesday...

and then there was last tuesday.

i went by her apt. to drop some stuff off, as she was cleaning it and getting it ready.

and guess whos there on his lunch break...the OM.
i see his car, and tell my self i should just drive off.


so i park my car. head up stairs and knock.

he was sitting on the floor eating lunch. i move past my wife and kick his food and tell him to get the F out. he starts saying (and repeating throughout the encounter, its her place its her place i dont have to leave)

so i get in his face...little 5'6 1/2 me to 6'2" him and he backs away..my wife had to get in between us...and shes telling me to leave, and that ****y [censored] just has that smirk on his face and he picks up the phone to call the cops. so i naturally kick it out of his hand. ( yes i kicked it..it was pretty awesome)

and he keeps repeating the same thing all while walking away from me...

i get back in his face a couple more times. each time he backs up, once into the corner with no where to go. i see his smirk, but i look into his eyes when hes not dodging me, and i see fear.

she eventually tells him to leave, and he goes down stairs and calls the cops anyway.. my wife is frustrated and scared becasue she is moving in and doesnt want to disrupt her neighbors...

i keep trying to calm her down so she can listen to me tell her that hes won, im done and ill leave her alone till she moves out....as he leaves he yells from outside for me to leave her alone...

the cops come (one lanky white one one bulky black one) and the OM gets the lanky one, i get the bulky one...that is to say when i saw them i knew who they were because they used to come into starbucks when i worked there...

so i tell them what happened and the whole ordeal and that i know the law and such, and though i never layed a hand on him, i know they have a job to do. and he kinds laughs. he tells me basically that theyve seen this before a hundred times...and if he didnt have teh badge on him, hed let me have at...but it becomes a simple little procedure where they gather info...i dont know what the OM tells the lanky one, but again hes got that smirk on his face..

the lanky one comes over and talks to me how hes gonna get a restraining order...i inform him of my side...the lanky one tells me also how its an F'd up situation and that i got close to getting arrested. i told him i would accept responsibilites for my actions like a man. the lanky one says that hes sorry and that ive got to watch my self. while he would have no moral qualms about feeling the way i do and reacting, that i ve got to be smarter...i got the sense that the lanky one did not like the OM . that he could tell he was trying to play the role of the innocent victim and manipulate and control the truth of the situation..
the lanky one told me that if he does file a restraining order, just turn around and file one back. that itll effect him just as negativly as what he may try and do and that i should inform his employer that one is put into effect so i should let them know when i shop there...

the OM left. my wife calmed down. she was embarassed and ashamed...she got caught between two people and she didnt know how to handle it and couldnt make a choice . she kept telling me she was sorry so much and that she was going to tell him to leave her alone. and not bother her and that sehs done withthe whole situation.

i come to find out several things since then.

a. the OM was pissed that my wife isnt going to file a restraining ordre for herself.
b. he appearently cant get one now because my wife wont sign off as witness.
c. he hates my guts now. i dont really care about that one, i just like getting under his skin.
d. my wife made an interesting comment the day after. she asked while i was getting out of the shower why i was covering up. i had no reason. she said she noticed that ive lost weight and been working out, but never as much as the day i confronted him she said i "puffed up". i told it was part that and part him shrinking like a coward
e. she told her coworker/friend about confrontation. she said shed never seen me like that before, but her friend toldme the way she said it was more suprising. like she really noticed.


my wife, son and MIL are heading down to disneylandthis week, ill meet them there on friday. i told her if he texts while im there, im heading home and straight to his work.

she said its none of his business, and he doesnt know.

i find that interesting because theyre already hiding info from each other.

her coworkers husband whos a friend of mine and a vendor will ask next week when the OM is around if i made it to disneyland and had fun, that way the OM knows and itll work on their lies and mistrust...


other than that getting ready for the final move out next week..than plan B.

i think shell fold by the holidays, but well see...

elph: For all of us who wish we were you...
Thank you for writing this incident up. Rooting for you, I am.
Blessings
Me BS 56
She WW 50
Hers 18, 22
Mine 22, 28, 30
Ours DS 11 (he turns 12 tomorrow!)
D-Day 1 - April 26 2009
D-Dapy 2 - October 15 2009
Exposed February 22, 2010
Me: Reforming Verbal Abuser
She: still won't divulge OM # 2 despite overwhelming evidence, but slowly, ever so slowly, she is turning towards me.

Splendid work , stay on course, there are some rough times to come, steel yourself.