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Well said Indie.  Rainy, you should do ML suggested and you should listen to Indie, she has given you some spectacular advice that is bang on.  Thanks! AS the Plan B guru Scotty, would you say she should copy the letter and send one to the OW? I did this (with a note attached saying I could 'wait her out') and I am positive it sent her into a jealous rage, especially if he had not told her about the letter he got. If not it will have made her arrogant and pushy, which is just as good.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thanks to all of you. I actually finally spent the money (a sacrifice, but worth every penny) to do a phone counseling session with Dr. Steve Harley today. After talking with him, and my attorney, I've decided to try to switch the divorce complaint to a request for legal separation. If my husband will sign that peacefully, I don't have to pursue divorce right now. That will protect me and give me what I need, and then allow me to disconnect from him and do my Plan B. Huge relief! Any prayers or good karma thoughts for me the next couple of days (I'm really hoping he just agrees to the legal separation) would be greatly appreciated:)
Still some anxiety (and that horrible "I think I'm gonna throw up" feeling), but I finally feel some peace creeping in there too.
I have read "Surviving an Affair" and skimmed back over it a few times, but I will definitely re-read the Plan B part, and the info on the link as well. Thank you all!
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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The OW may freak over the "Plan B" letter, as you suggested, indiegirl. Or she may use it as more ammo in the "she's sooo pathetic" campaign. Should I send it to her? And should I send her husband a copy?
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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Threatening the OW is going to do you no good. OWs are a real waste of your time and breath. I confronted the OW in my sitch and it actually sent me for a tailspin instead. Especially when they are preadtory OW. What will happen is that you will ruin whatever Plan A you get in until Thursday. OW will go to your WH and play the victim. When you send your WH the Plan B letter, you should send her a copy of it as well with an extra line that says something like, "I am willing to make WH happy and I am patient enough to wait you out.". This way she knows that he didn't pick her. That YOU forced him to do this and that you aren't going away that easily. If you are going to email it to her, make sure that you get a new email addy first. I figured out that my WHs OW probably didn't get the letter. She most likely bloacked me. Oh well. Doesn't matter much. CCing OW on the Plan B letter is actually in SAA. That is where I got the idea from. It came from DrH so I trust it 100%. This is advice given to me on my thread (p35 or thereabouts). I was concerned about ccing her a copy of the plan B letter too. I knew it would send her into jealous nutsy land, but I was afraid she was also tactical enough to show him and tell him i only want revenge. If you think about it though, they are bound to argue when you are in plan b. you want her worrying that every time he storms out that he MIGHT be going to you. Even if after a row he doesnt seem to have made contact with you, that is no consolation to OW. She knows from your letter that you are blocking contact so he may have tried to contact you and been turned down by you. You stop being their victim. She knows her relationship is in constant danger. Every time he huffs an gets mad becase he cant get you on the pone, that will be a dagger to her heart.
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/27/11 05:15 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Oh Indie, you added to my advice. It was weird seeing myself quoted. Woulda been nice of you to fix the spelling mistake first though. HAHAHAHA Rainy, you absolutely need to send the PBL to OW. For all of the reasons that Indie suggested. Oh how I wish I had realized OW had blocked me so I would have gotten it to her, those reasons are GOOD. 
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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there is a hole in my heart, in my family, and in my life that my husband used to fill. It doesn't go away I agree the betrayal and subsequent overwhelming grief are in no way 'easy'. But that doesnt have to be your life. Even holes in the heart - while they dont magically 'go away' - can be mended. I have found some world class surgeons here at MB who have talked me through the process. It gets worse every day, not better, Moving on doesn't just seem hard to me, it seems impossible. The rollercoaster dips very low at the start before it goes up again in Plan B, (I thought I might have a nervous breakdown) you have to break yourself down, cut out the poison - cutting deep with no anaesthetic - in order to heal. I cant advise you on the kids thing with Plan B, having no children myself. Obviously the things they say will trigger you and triggers are what you are trying to avoid. There are lots of people here though who have got their hearts back even with kids in Plan B, so I will let them lead you on advice. Does your WS have a nickname? It helps actually. Mines is Softlad, Scotty's is Bampot. So you could for example call yours 'wayward alien' and not let yourself say his name. Then perhaps if when your kids say to you 'dad did x today and then said y' Mentally repeat it as 'Wayward alien said x today and then did y' Then add to yourself 'Waywards! That fog is good stuff' Dont let your thoughts follow any trian where you give him his old name - not until he reclaims his old character. This might help you to detach more. However I think you have to do some grieving before detaching. I answered you on the Plan B thread but thought it was worth posting here. The grief is something we could all do without! So bad and debilitating. Your life stands still How are you doing? Do you need to have a vent?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 568
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 568 |
there is a hole in my heart, in my family, and in my life that my husband used to fill. It doesn't go away I agree the betrayal and subsequent overwhelming grief are in no way 'easy'. But that doesnt have to be your life. Even holes in the heart - while they dont magically 'go away' - can be mended. I have found some world class surgeons here at MB who have talked me through the process. It gets worse every day, not better, Moving on doesn't just seem hard to me, it seems impossible. The rollercoaster dips very low at the start before it goes up again in Plan B, (I thought I might have a nervous breakdown) you have to break yourself down, cut out the poison - cutting deep with no anaesthetic - in order to heal. I cant advise you on the kids thing with Plan B, having no children myself. Obviously the things they say will trigger you and triggers are what you are trying to avoid. There are lots of people here though who have got their hearts back even with kids in Plan B, so I will let them lead you on advice. Does your WS have a nickname? It helps actually. Mines is Softlad, Scotty's is Bampot. So you could for example call yours 'wayward alien' and not let yourself say his name. Then perhaps if when your kids say to you 'dad did x today and then said y' Mentally repeat it as 'Wayward alien said x today and then did y' Then add to yourself 'Waywards! That fog is good stuff' Dont let your thoughts follow any trian where you give him his old name - not until he reclaims his old character. This might help you to detach more. However I think you have to do some grieving before detaching. I answered you on the Plan B thread but thought it was worth posting here. The grief is something we could all do without! So bad and debilitating. Your life stands still How are you doing? Do you need to have a vent? I just read this on my months old post that I never re-visited. Shoulda done it then. Still encouraging now. Thanks, indie:)
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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