Well folks my ex finally was willing to listen to the Give and Take audio by Steve Harley. He listened to the first tape and thought it sucked. He feels it's about changing yourself too. I don't feel that is true. I feel it helps you to communicate better with one another though and alot of the couples problems on the tape were like the ones we had when married. He still feels he needs no help outside himself to figure out what he wants or needs to do.<P>Then yesterday I decided to color my hair a medium blonde shade. That made him mad because I was not willing to when we were still together. Then my hair was fried, and him bugging me about it made me feel he thought I was ugly with my natural hair. When we met my hair was dyed blonde, also in very bad shape. I know we are too look appealing to the other, but should we change what we natually have in order to do so. I like to stay thin, and keep make up on most always. I try to fix up hair, so this seems silly to me. He says now I am only coloring my hair to try to please him. What makes no sense to me is him complaining about it instead of appreciating it.<P>Wish he could let go of everything negative in the past and look to the future. I am getting tired of all this. Prayed alot that he would not stray and so far he hasnt, but that dang negative attitude sucks.<P>Anyone else have bad luck with the book?<P>Bluestar

hi bluestar, give and take was not one of my favorites. I felt it diminshed accountability, and I do not mean just with the affair stuff!<BR>I will step out on a limb regarding the hair thing. Why is it that someone cannot just accept the answer "becaue I felt like it", when we do things that are different? This may well have been what was behind it! Nothing more and nothing less...but there will always be those that want to analyze things to death. It is frustrating to me!! If your hair was light before then maybe you just had a hankering to feel how you did in that time of your life. Maybe it was a free uncomplicated time. Maybe you just liked the design of the box of hair color so you bought it.<BR>Gads, get this man to relax and enjoy for a few seconds. Sometimes I have to remind my h that we are not here to be each others psychiatrists or conscience. <BR>How do you like the color??

Cl,<P>I like it pretty much. A little more red than I expected. So far most have complimented the color. I think he is over it now. <P>What book do your recommend?

As long as you like it and are comfortable with it, then wear it that way! <BR>Books? The Angry Marriage is a good book for communicating skills. Is easy to follow, sometimes too simplistic, but the examples of situations are good. <BR>Another one I liked for healing was The Art of Forgiveness. Emotional Resilience helped me understand my own feelings regarding relationships, and helped me see why I had certain expectations. <BR>If you are in the US, I will mail them to you if you would like to borrow them. A lending library on this forum would be great! My h are well into the healing stage, and I have lots of books that I no longer need and am happy to share around.<BR>It is good to hear that he is voicing his opinion?

Bluestar,<P>The only audio tape I'm aware of by Dr. Harley is "His Needs/Her Needs". I haven't listened to it, but I do have the book.<P>I really like "Give and Take" (the book)---better than His Needs/Her Needs. But I agree with your ex in a way---these books are about changing your behaviors. But big stinkin' deal---the idea about changing your behaviors in a marriage is so that you become a better partner. When you're successful in that, you increase the odds tremendously that your partner will reciprocate.<P>I have found that Dr. Harley's "example" couples nearly mirror my marriage. I swore when I started reading these books that this guy knew me inside and out. And that's one of the reasons that I've been a big fan---he also gives the mechanism to change your behavior. If your ex doesn't think that there's anything wrong with him, then ANY book directed at his "betterment" will be a waste of time. In this case, you have to do an end run and put these principles into practice for yourself, and demonstrate to him the benefits.

Bluestar--<P>My H wasn't too hyped on the audio either. Same complaint...about change.<P>I must not be as persnickety about relationship resources as H is. Anything that gets us thinking and communicating gets my thumbs up (except for our first counseling experience--yuck, I hated that guy).