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Joined: Jul 2011
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My husband and I have been married 13yrs and I committed adultery back in December 2010. He found out and it's been quite a super rough journey. I have repentented because I know I did wrong and I do not blame my husband because I made the ultimate decision to do what I did. He decided to work through this but it's been so rough. He has his days where he doesn't even want to be bothered because it plays back in his mind and there's some days where he's the happiest man on earth. I have done everything to assure him that this won't happen again but his trust for me is not there. We love each other deeply and that's why we decided to work it out because we also made a covenant with God. Has anyone gone through this that can give me some tips????

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Hi MrsIrvin, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place.

First off, you should know that while most marriages stay together after an affair, most don't recover. Because they don't have a plan for recovery, they remain a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage and are more vulnerable to an affair after than before.

This program prevents all that with a plan that restores the romantic love and affair proofs the marriage.

The first step is to end all contact with the affair partner for life. Next is to change the environment that led to the affair. For example, if you have friends of the opposite sex, or travel for a living, that would need to be eliminated. All emails, texts, cell phone passwords should be shared with each other. You should become completely transparent with your husband.

Those steps will do alot to restore trust in your marriage. But not ALL trust. All trust should not be restored because it was too much trust that led to the affair in the first place.

The next step is to create a romantic relationship using Dr Harley's basic concepts. I would suggest getting the book, Surviving an Affair and following the program outlined in there.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This is an EXCELLENT article about healing the marriage: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

And in this article, Dr Harley lays it out:

Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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MrsIrvin,
I have the same thoughts as you. My wife has moved out after 3 years and the guilt is hard to take. I am hoping for a miracle to get her back and start counseling the right way. I have been some good advice here and hope to see more. I am pretty new so I can only say that I try to deal with it day by day but it is hard.

Joined: Dec 2007
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How did you meet the OM?

How did your BH find out?

Is there NC with the OM?

What have you done post A to help your BH recover: answer his questions, make yourself an open book so your BH can verify there is no affair going on?


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