My husband is just ignoring all texts from my IM, though I didn't catch on at first. What do I do?

Nothing! If he wants to get a message through, he will use the IM. Otherwise you won't get his messages.

What kind of messages is she sending him? Can you give me an example?

Last time he had the kids my van broke down. So I sent a message to the IM to send to him asking if he can drop the kids at my house because the van is broke down. The IM forwarded it right away, but 3 hours later there was still no response. My IM was at work, so I wasn't sure that she had forwarded it (she told me later she did right away) so an hour before time for the kids to be home I sent a message to WH asking the same thing. I instantly got a response... he started asking me if the van is working and is it at home. I said, just tell me if you can drop off the kids.

Another example would be I had her ask him a week ago if he is buying our son a DS for his birthday, because our son apparently thinks so, and if he is I want to buy him a game to go with one. He never answered that question.

He didn't answer when I had her ask him if he's signed and turned in the car insurance forms... apparently he has not, so the car insurance people keep calling ME because they can't get ahold of HIM...

Grrr.

The communications are so infrequent now that I didn't fully realize until today what he is doing....

ok, now that you know he is playing this game, I would stick to your guns and wait him out. He was waiting to see if you would cave in and call him above. Don't do that next time.


I would stop asking him this kind of superfluous stuff.


It is not up to you to contact him if other people cannot get him. You just have to tell them that you can't contact him either.

Stick to your guns, mehr. Most WS's pull this at first but once they see you are serious they do it. And whatever you, DO NOT RESPOND TO ANY OF HIS COMMUNICATIONS.

You're right.... now he knows I will eventually communicate with him directly.... should I redirect usage of the IM since I did break it myself?

I would do nothing except continue to have the IM communicate PERTINENT MESSAGES to him. If he contacts you, then delete the message [BEFORE READING] and ask your IM to send him this message:

"Dear Joe, mehr received your message today but deleted it before reading it. Please send any communication through me if you want to get a message to her. Thanks, IM"

Do that a few times and he will eventually catch on.

I found this post over on the weekend forum:

Q: If WH is still threatening intermediaries, what suggestions do you have for communicating info about the kids?

Dr. Harley: He has a choice of communicating with someone or communicating with no one. But you should rule yourself out of the picture.

IM is a poor choice of abbreviation here as it means Instant Message in the computer world. It took me quite a while to figure this out.

I was thinking, if he doesn't want to respond to an Instant Message, that's not being passive aggressive, it's his own choice/boundary.

That would still be the case for an intermediary in plan B. If he doesn't want to hear from the intermediary, then that's his right. Nothing Passive Aggressive about it.

Doesn't mean you need to change your boundaries to accommodate his. So don't communicate directly with him. Don't read his e-mails, don't answer the phone, etc. The only way you'll communicate is when he meets your conditions. Otherwise, if he's not willing, then you have no reason or desire to communicate with him directly.

You live, you learn mehr.

Indeed.....no superflous communication. DS for his b-day? Not important. Get something the child can use or wants not reliant on what someone else gives to them.

Van breaking down? Well......he holds on to the kids til you are able to take them. He is the dad and can figure out how to communicate via IM if he has to.

No more fluff stuff and use your thinking cap for issues like the van that are creative vs giving in.

Plan accordingly. Indicate that no response will be treated as agreement, or a specific action will be taken if no response is received.

For example....

e.g. "I'll be bringing the kids to the house at X. If you're not there within 1/2 hour, I'll take them for the weekend".

Mehr, you have been in Plan B for 3.5 months, has this been going on the whole time?

MOST WS's fight against Plan B, and they refuse to use the IM, but eventually, they find out that that is the only way they are going to be able to communicate. Stick to it.

Also, you should use the IM as infrequently as possible. Even these communications hurt your personal recovery.

No, its more recent. I try not to overthink what that might mean.

I really want DS to get a DS so if he isn't buying one, I am going to try to find the $$.

Hey. You can wait and see and give one to him after his b-day if WH doesn't get one!

Give ds some $ towards one (or a game if WH gets him one). If he didn't get one from WH, you can add funds as you get them and go for a fun day of him picking his own out! Life is not the same as a fractured family but it can be a good lesson in finances and etc.

Apparently DH is getting tired of Plan B..... I am back to overanalyzing the various reasons that may be .... doh.

LOL (I gotta, cause I understand).

Stop overanalyzing
and stay
only very pertinent facts through IM.

Your WH is trying to play the fence game still. See how he can catch your attention and get reactions. He is working the wayward cake eater game. YK he is.

No analyzing anything but the stock market......or....... whether your nail polish should be chocolate or pale pink.

Well, him wanting to cake eat is good news to me.... because it appeared he didn't want any cake for months. I am to go and update my other thread, in fact.

Mehr,

To be blunt,,,, It's NOT a good thing!

When waywards have opportunities to cake eat....... The affair will last longer because of it!

I think the point mehr was trying to make was the fact that he wants to cake-eat means, he still has his needs filled, and there is something left. At least I think that's what she meant