http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...at&Number=2482787&gonew=1#UNREAD

Here's one to get you started.

How's it going, Bugs? Any questions about preparing for Plan B?

I haven't started preparing yet. Just been dealing with everything involved with my wife returning from her deployment. We have had several talks and neither one of us feel our relationship is salvageable. I'm way past the point of having it hurt and actually am happier now then when I was trying to save the marriage. I think the only real question is what I'm going to do and where I'm going to go when we finally part ways. Hopefully the transition will be smooth - but that remains to be seen. The two final sticking points for me were that she refused to break contact with OM, and neither one of us feel like we can totally trust each other. I don't feel we can have a relationship without trust and that everything else is predicated on that one emotional need. I will survive - and I will once again have a happy life. Thanks to everyone for all their help and support! I will still be around as I work on my transition phase. Again, thank you.

I don't understand why she doesn't feel she can trust you, Bugs?

She feels I could have cost her her career by exposing her A. She said she was taking care of the situation when the whole thing blew up on her and now is doing damage control (I didn't tell her employer, but someone I was talking with did). Then she said she was almost over that when I told her that I had told our families about her A....she wonders who I will tell next? Since she has been back she has been desperately trying to preserve the "friendship" of the OM who is backing off and hardly talking to her anymore. If she spent a fraction of the time on our marriage that she did worrying about OM, and her career, we would have a happy marriage.
I am past the stage of anything she does without me causing me any pain. Right now I just want to move on. Armed with the book his needs/her needs - I feel like I actually know what I need to do to build a relationship the right way. I only wish I would have had that when I met my wife - I think the outcome would have been a lot different. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way, hopefully I have learned what I need from each wrong turn I encountered.

I am so sorry she is blaming YOU for HER CRAZY actions. Her immoral actions.

Do not take that blame. YOU did nothing wrong Bugs. Nothing. If you choose to part ways, however, DO NOT GO EASY on the wayward for if you give them one inch, they will take a mile from you.

Make sure that YOU are in no way affected negatively in any legal dealings including monies and assets ok?

She's a fogged out wayward wife with her head up her butt. You are in the drivers' seat and YOU decide what happend. NOT her. Get that?

YOU take charge of anything that happens. She played, now if she wants out, she must pay.

It is just wild what these people will do and what they will throw away for an addiction isn't it?

I'm not really worried about that. I'm in better financial position than when I met her. She is not like that - and I'm sure most will not understand that. We don't hate each other, and she is not still having an A with the OM, but won't break contact, and I'm not going to go around wondering if and when things might start up again. There are other things from before including that I did not do a good job of meeting her EN, but she doesn't know whether she wants to work to save our marriage, and I have nothing left in order to fight alone to hold it together. That's all, we agree to go in separate ways - I think we will both be happier than we are now.

This affair would be dead and done if you had done a complete exposure. When affair partners work together the employer must be exposed. This has not been done. This must still be done. WW is still trying to keep the affair alive by keeping you to afraid to expose any further.

No way! She is blaming you for something you didn't even DO? That is seriously whacked.

She is sick, Bugs, and she is blaming you for the consequences of her actions.

She was given a sacred trust and she violated it. She needed to be removed from that trust, not permitted to continue in it. I am glad that those who were trusting her have found out that she cannot be trusted. I am sorry that that has severe consequences in her life, but I don't think it will help anything for you to be blamed for it.

First - I don't hate my wife, and will not do anything that will destroy her career. So, to do what many of you are saying is not an option for me because it would ruin her career and make it hard for her to find other work. What she has done is wrong, and I'm not excusing it - but I will not intentionally do anything that would absolutely destroy anyone else. I know that I have not followed the "blueprint" for dealing with all this stuff, so maybe I deserve the fact that our relationship for all intents and purposes is over, and neither of us feel it is salvageable.
She has had consequences because of her poor decisions, and yes - she has tried to blame me for things but I just calmly tell her that if she had not had the A, I would have had nothing to "leak" out.
I'm ready to be loved by someone - and I'm past the point of believing that she will step up to the plate. I'm not going to stay in a dead relationship just for my kids, although I gave every effort I had to make things work. She won't break contact with the OM, and spends all her time trying to salvage the friendship with him, (that is falling apart). If she would spend even a fraction of time trying to save our marriage as she does trying to save that "friendship" the outcome would be a lot different.

No one deserves to have their beloved spouse off screwing someone else.

No plan for recovery = no recovery = no big surprise.

That's your choice.

Best of luck to you.
I hope you've learned some things about yourself .... perhaps about your reluctance to do some of the more difficult tasks involved in marriage building.


In any case .... Be well.

Having a really rough day today. Want to go back to the days where life was simple....and happy!

Sorry you're having a bad day.

IMO, from what I've seen, the days where things were truly simple and happy must have been a long time ago. You've been under attack for a very long time, and it's not a surprise that you're worn out.

Without allowing her to stick any blame to you for the A, take an honest stock of what you could have done differently. Not in a navel-gazing way, beating yourself up to no point, but in an honest, learning, acknowledging way.

And if you decide to even think about R when she approaches you about it, you at least know what needs to be done.

I am passed the point of wanting R. I cannot and will not even consider it as long as she has any contact with OM, and I know that she still e-mails him. Our relationship is so bad now that WW got mad when I was talking with an old classmate from college (we were talking about one of my former roommates who died in a car accident New Years Eve).
I think at this point I would be more depressed if we decided to try and work things out. It is not the ideal, but separation/divorce never is.
I'm to the point now where I don't care if she talks to OM or anyone else for that matter. She can live her life the way she wants, and I will do the same. We still will have to negotiate what that looks like, but hopefully that will be peacefull!

It will be peaceful as long as you're in NC. Just my opinion, but anything with an active wayward tends not to be peaceful.

I'm still alive for any of you who might be wondering. I have been trying to work things out, but feel a little guilty because I'm not sure I want things to work out? At this point I want my life to be happy, and the reason for not wanting things to work out is because I'm not sure that I would be happy in an environment that I have to share with WW. I'm trying to be positive, but often find myself wishing for something else.

Bugs, I would agree that if your wife does not change, you will not be happy. God does allow divorce for cases of adultery, and that includes yours. And I think many of us understand the reason for that: adultery changes a person into someone they were not, not the same person you married.

Living in that perpetually would be hell on earth. Who wants to live with someone who has given Satan such free reign in their life?

But God does redeem and change people, and there are plenty of people on this site who are testimony to the fact that even those caught up in the sin of adultery can completely change, and Dr. Harley has worked with hundreds more. He knows under what circumstances the addiction to infidelity breaks and the marriage can recover, and under what circumstances it does not.

You know, originally Dr. Harley didn't think that anyone who had been cheated on would even want to recover their marriage. He didn't think it was possible. But he had people coming to him, both betrayed and wayward, saying that they wanted to keep their marriage, they wanted to recover, and he tried his approach with them and found that it worked. It could create a marriage better than ever before.

If your wife can come on board with the plan to recover your marriage, your marriage can be better than ever before, and she and you and your kids will be better off than in any other alternative, including divorce. That really says something. Your kids will do much better in life if their parents stay together AND recover their marriage, far better than they could ever do even if you remarried and had a wonderful marriage! (Take it from me. I'm a child of an unrepentant wayward mother. Dad remarried, and it's nice, but it'll never be the same.)

If your wife doesn't come on board, though, it'll be hell on earth.

For your part, you've got to decide if it would be worth it to try for that, and if so, then you've got to find out what you can do to get the best shot at getting your wife on board with that plan and DO IT, without fail. You can't afford to mess around with this and give her a chance to wound you and your children emotionally any further than you already are. Your marriage, if you want to keep it, is more important than every thing else. EVERY THING ELSE. God may be planning to work a miracle through you if you stand up willing to work and ready to put everything else on the altar.

My advice to you is to read through this three-page article and settle for nothing less:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

I also advise you to watch this video, if you haven't already:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

And finally, give Dr. Harley a call. He can present his plan better than anyone else on this site and give you an idea what it will take to get through it. And he and his wife Joyce love to help people recover their marriages. I've seen them go the extra mile again and again.

Wow, Markos, I can hardly think of anything to add, and that is really saying something.

About the only thing left is just my own personal experience, that R will not happen with a half-done plan. Neglect the details to the peril of your marriage, as there's only so many false recoveries a tired BS can take.

Has WW agreed to NC then? Good to hear an update.

Ok....I have not been intentially avoiding this site....just have had very spotty internet access which makes it difficult to sift through pages and find what I am looking for.
I'm working towards getting all plan B things in place, (I know, I should have had it all planned out ahead of time - but a lot of recent travel kept me busy and cut off from internet).
My WW and I are currently living seperately and it is the happiest I have been for a long time, (until she tries to call me for something). Once I have everything in place (a good plan B letter), I think even those might go away.
I honestly don't want a permanent split, but unless God works on her and makes a change in her life, I cannot live with the person she has become.
I know some will tell me I'm doing everything all wrong, but at least I'm at peace right now. Merry Christmas to all!!!

Merry Christmas, Bugs. God's blessings and peace to you and your children.