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MFJ1974, Has your H agreed to:
1.) No contact with his AP for life?
2.) Complete transparency, integration with your life. Shared passwords? Extraordinary precautions?
3.) Has he agreed to rebuild the romantic love in your marriage?
I wouldn't go back until these have been agreed to as the conditions of your return.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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His words
He wants to enthusiastically implement my requirements together. This is GREAT news!! Just remember that words are cheap. It will be his actions that prove if he is sincere. What does he need to "DO" to prove he is serious? What requirements do you have? You want to make sure that this is the real deal because a False Recovery can be more painful than the original hurt. Praying for your family and that this is real!  Be strong and firm in your requirements.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Holy WOW!!!!!
Let me repeat that.......
HOLY F'n WOW!!!!!!
So we are temporary staying with my dad and his wistress. If I said it was bad, it is getting worse by the minute!!!!! I just got the tirade about how I was too self absorbed to even ask about how her day was........
That is correct, I'm trying to figure out how to put my life on the rails, and to figure out what the bleep I'm doing. I'm trying to be polite, I vacuumed the whole house , cleaned bathrooms earlier, sorry for not being emotionally available to listen to your problems.....
And I was polite, I said she was right, I have so much on my plate that I'm not trying to be rude, but that I'm currently quite emotionally stretched!
Just holy F'n WOW.
And now they are fighting about it, screaming.
Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr
A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.
The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow
Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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Your WH might be trying to get you back in the same country as him. Telling you what you want to hear to end your vacation.
If you have him agree to certain conditions also have
a plan if you go back for a safe place to retreat back to plan B should you need to.
A solid plan to go back to it.
Matter of fact, do not leave plan B now without a clear plan to attempt recovery with him.
I am concerned about the threats OW made to you.
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Is there anyone else you could stay with while your father and his wife have it out? Or better, maybe she could leave for a while and let you and your children stay. Must be a little odd/hard/annoying (depending on her character at this point) to have to hear the betrayed wife's struggle after she was the OW for your father. Ugh.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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As to my father and his OW, seeing me and what isnhappening to me is triggering HUGE issues between them,
FINALLY after 11 years of having my mother as a common enemy, they see what they've done. All of a sudden there is the realization, and they what is wrong in their own relationship. And it is not pretty and peachy, OW has lost control of the relationship and is furious at me for it.
We are moving to a cottage tomorrow. One of the things was she was upset with me for going to see my best friend. Really? That was so absurd.
Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr
A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.
The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow
Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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But back to my own marriage. I'm so torn as to what to do. Our official return flight is not till the 16th of august, so I do have time to think about all this, so excuse my rambling.
Yesterday I sent him an email asking him to say yes so some things to make things more comfortable for me, reassuring really. I'll copy paste it next.
Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr
A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.
The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow
Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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Posts: 1,026
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My Love,
I'm writing an email,as this would be too much for a text. Definitely too much,as I'm exposing my heart and soul, fully and innocently like I did long time ago. I ask of you to hold my heart dear, to protect my emotional vulnerabilities and to cherish me, so I can be and become the best wife, mother, friend, woman I can possibly be. This false recovery was devastating to me. Though I'd like to lose about 10 more lbs, I'd like to do it through diet and exercise, not emotional anguish and stress.
Please commit to no more contact for life with either, it utterly broke my heart. I hope you will close that door by every possible means, blocking numbers, emails etc. I would not be able to handle another breach of this kind.
I hope you can also be completely open, honest and transparent about past, present and future. �I give you my whole heart and soul, with no restrictions, because I want to be a part of you, and I want you to be a part of me. Unrestricted flow of ideas, thoughts and love. Privacy is a prelude to openess, secrecy is a prelude to deception. I simply do not understand that when you love and share a life you do not share and disclose your passwords and IDs. It's like saying the other is simply not you equal or close to being a partner or good enough.
I also hope that you can assure me that you are committed to working on creating a love again, despite failures and missteps, despite adversity, that we will work on us, as we were beginning to uncover earlier. There is so much we didn't know, so much we can achieve.
And the last thing is that you will make sure that we will be safe.
I hope your answer to all 4 can be a wholehearted YES. I'm asking you to safeguard my heart, I'm putting myself in a vulnerable place and I'm calling upon you to hold me close and tight.
Oyo
M
Sent from my iPad
Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr
A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.
The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow
Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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His answer was
Theoretically my answers are yes, but I'm not willing to discuss this while you are 3000 miles away with our daughters.
Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr
A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.
The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow
Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,026
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He also said I publicly insulted him and abused him for 2weeks.
I think he still has it all backwards and that I should just move on, no matter how hard it is.
Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr
A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.
The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow
Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1
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Notwithstanding any legalities involved with the children in another country, personally I would not accept "theoretically yes" as the answer to my demands.
Your email to him was far too polite. These are not requests; these are requirements that MUST be agreed to before you will return home. It's too hard on your emotional health, and physical health, for that matter, to go through the drama of him and OW. No waffling from your husband. No "theoretically yes." (What does that even mean???!! In theory, he thinks it's a great idea, but in practice....what?)
He must agree to write a No Contact letter, approved by you, to the OW.
He must become transparent: shared email passwords, etc. (This is to help protect you from the possibility of another affair.
He must agree to restore the romantic love in your marriage.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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As to my father and his OW, seeing me and what isnhappening to me is triggering HUGE issues between them,
FINALLY after 11 years of having my mother as a common enemy, they see what they've done. All of a sudden there is the realization, and they what is wrong in their own relationship. And it is not pretty and peachy, OW has lost control of the relationship and is furious at me for it.
We are moving to a cottage tomorrow. One of the things was she was upset with me for going to see my best friend. Really? That was so absurd. I don't know which would be better for this affairriage to crumble and go plan D. Or they stay together no longer ignoring the damage they have done but this knowlegde staying constantly in the front of their daily thoughts.
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He is still wayward.
I will bet my bottom dollar he is luring you back to have more power to control everything.
Act as though he is still wayward and go back to plan B.
He is in NO position to negotiate or make demands.
Do not give up your safety (insane OW!) and security for pretty words you have longed to hear.
changing subject:
A cottage! How lovely! Try to enjoy staying there!
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His response was less than thrilling.
You pour your heart out, and you get a "theoretically yes" along with a scolding? Oh he11 no!
That is not a remorseful man. I'd let him cook a little longer, he's not done.
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That is not a remorseful man. I'd let him cook a little longer, he's not done. Two studies on apologizing are "The Five Languages of Apology" by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, and "On Apology" by Aaron Lazare.
These studies indicate that effective apologies that express remorse typically include a detailed account of the offense; acknowledgment of the hurt or damage done; acceptance of the responsibility for, and ownership of, the act or omission; and an explanation that recognizes one's role.
As well, apologies usually include a statement or expression of regret, humility or remorse; a request for forgiveness; and an expression of a credible commitment to change or a promise that it will not happen again.
Apologies may also include some form of restitution, compensation or token gesture in line with the damage that you caused.
When an apology is delayed, for instance if a friend has been wronged and the offending party does not apologize, the perception of the offense can compound over time. This is sometimes known as compounding remorse.
Compunction refers to the act of actively expressing remorse, usually requiring the remorseful individual to physically approach the person to whom they are expressing regret. Remorse
Remorse is an emotional expression of personal regret felt by a person after he or she has committed an act which they deem to be shameful, hurtful, or violent.
Remorse is closely allied to guilt and self-directed resentment. When a person regrets an earlier action or failure to act, it may be because of remorse or in response to various other consequences, including being punished for the act or omission.
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My thought exactly.... Unfortunately. As long as he thinks I'm still to blame I have no way forward. I have no way to return. It is just not possible. I would go back and it would be horrible, he would blame me for the rest of our lives. No let him cook sounds like a much better plan, but now that I've seen this, it will be easier to resist.
But at the cottage I will not have Internet, so only when my friend is coming to get me to her house. Now THAT will be so good! A true vacation!
Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr
A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.
The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow
Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,026
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Oooooo hes very wayward still!!!!
OW1 forwarded me a few recently sent texts. She is DONE with him and it was fairly amusing. Her words she cant seem. To ditch the loser, so maybe i could help.
Soo time to move on. Grief and move on!
Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr
A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.
The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow
Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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Posts: 3,686
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Good lord, a wayward so foul even the OW can't stand him. Please forgive me for  .
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Oh yah.....ow is done with him......not most likely.
Affairs are dysfunctional, co-dependant dances.
They break up and get together and fuel their fantasy to the max.
Just stand back MFJ1974 and stay out of the drama unless/until the affair(s) die a natural death and he, maybe, gets his head on straight.
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The advice I would give you would be to block everything from OW. She may be done with her, and she may not but you don't need to know anything at all.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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