You ask some good but hard questions, Heartbroken. However, keep something in mind. When my BH decided to stay with me, he knew that staying with me meant that he would have to deal with OM the rest of OC's life, that our lives would be complicated, that it wouldn't be easy. He took me back knowing--and ultimately accepting--the new baggage that came with me.

If you decide you want to stay with your H, your M may have a lot more "for worse" right now. And you need to know what went wrong in the first place to make him want to stray. What are you both not doing that would fulfill the other? Work on that! My BH and I had no clue how to love each other fully until after the A (and thanks to Dr. H's precepts). Now we are in love and truly passionate in all areas of our M. Your M needs to get to that point to ensure that your H never lies to you or hurts you again and to help you move past the A.

He may change his mind about OC and someday want weekend visits, though ANY decision would need to be mutually agreed upon. Remember, Dr. Harley says all decisions should be made by mutual agreement. Someday you may have to deal with OW (or have a mediator do it for you) on a regular basis. You cannot know for sure how things will turn out, but can you accept this baggage in your M and still want to be with your H, even if he does someday want relationship with OC? You have to be willing to accept your new life no matter what the future holds, and in doing so I think you'll find yourself able to get over your fears and finally move forward.

In my situation, my BH has taken on the baggage with me, we carry it together, and we're much stronger dealing with it together. The key is for 1.) you to start working on LOVE and intimacy in your M (not living in the past); 2.) your WH must have NO CONTACT with OW--ever; 3.) both of you must be completely open about your feelings; and 4.) eliminate love busters (which bringing up the A is a major love buster).

We're here for you, Heartbroken. And as a former wayward, I know what your H is going through--regret, guilt, self-loathing--but if he truly wants to make you fall in love with him all over again, he will do whatever he has to to make that happen. But you need to reciprocate that for it to work.

God bless, Heartbroken. While I don't know you or your name, I am praying for you.

Wanthealing: Again, I thank you so much for all you have said as it has helped a lot. Our M starting going wrong when I was pregnant with my son as I had complications and things were stresful. I tend to think he saw this OW as an option to get away from all that was going on instead of dealing with what was happening. Once my son was born and things got back on track with our relationship everything seemed perfect. I had no clue at that point that OW was pregnant.

In a sense I feel if I knew about the OW and OC while she was pregnant it would have been much harder for me to deal with, but finding out after the fact is still hard. I have spoken to my H and told him that I know there is nothing I can do to stop him from seeing OC or being a part of its life as that is his choice however he can't keep things from me and lie to me. He has to be open and tell me everything for this to work.

Some of the things you said are the same as my H as he said neither of us knows what will happen in the future and whether the OW will want CS or not but all he can focus on is the present and dealing with things as they come. He says if she wants to go for CS there is nothing he can do to stop it but that doesn't mean he wants to be a part of the OC. He continues to say he just can't. He doesn't have it in him to be afather to a child he never wanted or planned. He says he has no feelings towards it and sees it as her child and his name on the birth certificate is just a piece of paper to him.

He just wants us to re-establish our marriage and work past this. He said I agreed to stay and work through this and if thats what I want then I need to try and to stop bringing it up and bringing her up because he doesn't want to talk about it every single day and keep reliving it.

Our romantice time together is much better then before the A. I do sometimes have my days where I don't want him anywhere near me but then I have days where I don't want him to be away from me. I go through the emotions of thinking he needs to be intimate all the time because of what happened and he said its not like that. That he doesn't want it to become a chore to me or to him for that matter and that what happened was stupid and he will never ever do anything like that again. He doesn't need anything from anyone else as he realizes that he has everything he needs at home to make him happy.

As for contact with OW. He says they do not talk at all and that they have nothing to talk about. She knows he doesn't care and or want to know about anything that happens with her or the OC so I have nothing to worry about.

I mentioned earlier that he works 2 jobs and sometimes he has to go straight from 1 to the other. Last night for example he called about 45 minutes after his job closed to tell me that he was still at work and didn't want me to worry but the phones were shutdown for some repairs and that there were still 3 other people at work if I wanted to talk to them to make sure thats really where he was. He said he was finishing up closing and on his way home. Then he called me on his way home to tell me he stopped to get gas and he was home about 5 minutes later.

Through all of that I had those bad feelings again trying to figure out was he lieing and did he go to her house or somewhere else. He said no and I checked the cell bill online to see if he called anyone, I checked his phone this morning. I feel bad doing it but right now I feel like I need to for my own sanity.

Do not feel bad for checking up on him, Heartbroken. He has to EARN trust, just as I had to earn my BH's trust again. My BH checks up on me all the time, and I'm more than happy to give an accounting. I am an open book about everything now, and it's good this way. In a way, it keeps us close. It seems your H is trying to re-establish trust and is open to you checking up on him, which is good. As a wayward, he needs major accountability; it's not "control" as much as it is accountability.

It sounds like you're on the right track toward healing. Just take it day by day, moment by moment. It took us about 7 months before we were able to start functioning and really enjoying life and each other again, so don't feel like you need to rush the healing process. It will come. You'll wake up one day and the sun will shine brighter, the sky will be bluer, and your heart will feel whole again. And your H needs to understand this will take time; he was in an A for 2 years, so the least he can do is give you a few months to process your emotions.