I so wish I had found these resources sooner. We have had a rough few years. DW went back to grad school at night while working full time and we had 2 small kids, 1 with special needs. I have been the stay at home primary parent. Last year DW was laid off from her first job post grad school. She rallied and found another job, one with very long hours. She seemed to sink into depression (she has had major depression before). I did everything wrong, I picked at her and tried to force her to get help, with the depression it just made her hate me. In hindsight I should have gone to her doctor with her. In March we had a huge fight, they had been building in intensity for a while. She wanted out and I asked her to leave to work on the mental health stuff, she went to stay with a friend. Unknown to me was a relationship that had been percolating at work. She turned to this guy, who was himself divorced a few years ago, he has his kids part time and it has apparently been a big source of bonding.

We tried a few counselors but she refused go back when she "felt things were shifting in a positive direction". She had been talking about coming back and then became very hostile and refused in the late spring. That got my suspicions up. I found out about the affair 2 months ago. She claims that is when it became physical. One of the kids noticed that she took off her ring around that time.

We have been seeing a counselor, with reconcilliaton off the table. She is with this guy 5-6 nights per week. She comes to see the kids at bedtime a few nights per week and a day on the weekend per the counselor, we are typically all together then. She now proposes that we do something one on one for a few hours per week. I feel caught between Plan A and B.

She does seem to be less depressed (maybe due to the new relationship?) and is also taking more responsibility. She is more engaged with the kids and is more pleasant to me. She was not willing to speak with me before this relationship started. Should I go ahead with the few nights a week plan? This is all surreal. I did come home the other night to find her reading my copy of "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". She is the queen of the mixed messages.

Counsellors usually don't know how to deal with adulteyr. That is why MB is different.

Wlecome to MB and sorry you are here.

Has this affair been exposed to the world? Do you have the contact info to expose this to her workplace?

I think that you are too early to go to Plan B at this point but instead Plan A, expose and get prepared for Plan B

Do you have any skeletons in your closet?

I would suggest that you click on the link in my siggy and start reading. You have come to the right place.

I am reluctant to do that until I have an independent income and health insurance for me and hte kids. The affair could result in the loss of her job. I am actively hunting for a job now.

The counselor just accepts the affair and demand for a divorce. It is the elephant in the room that can't be talked about. Obviously, if she was spending the same amount of time with me things would be better.

I had said that a whole host of issues she had never dealt with needed to be addressed first, I now get how counterproductive that was and how overwhelming it may have seemed to someone who was depressed. Her take is that she was trying harder and that I didn't see it or it was never enough.

I don't think you realize it, but your current path is essentially propping up her affair. Your marriage and your family is being led by a drunken wayward wife. If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to take back control of your life.

She is getting her needs met in 2 places so she has the best of both worlds. In addition, she has a H that allows her to pretend like everything is ok by allowing her to come home and play "good mother" a few nights a week. That keeps the guilt assuaged.

This enabling only motivates her to continue her abusive behavior. It fuels her fog.

The plan your "counselor" is endorsing is Plan E, for enabling. And of course your wife is pleasant because she has 2 men meeting her needs, a H who assuages her guilt and a stupid "counselor" who does not know how to save marriages.

My suggestion would be to stop enabling her affair and stop protecting her from the consequences of her abusive, destructive choices if you want to save your marriage.

I would start by exposing her affair wide and far. To family, friends, the OM's side of the family. I would sit down any children over age 4 and teach them right from wrong about adultery. Your wife is teaching them that wrong is right with this set up. That causes enormous moral confusion with kids and screws up their heads. Tell them the truth and teach them what their mother is doing is immoral and WRONG.

I would DEMAND that your wife end all contact with the OM and move home. Tell her otherwise this will lead to divorce. Thoughtful requests will avail you nothing. And the absolute worst thing you can do is go along with this. That only conveys a lack of caring. When you won't fight for your marriage, it just shows her you don't care very much.

That is where I would start right now. And in the meantime, I would prepare to go into Plan B, which is a complete and total separation, where she is not allowed in the home and all communication is passed through an intermediary. She would be forced to have visitation with her kids away frm the home.

This will give her a much needed WAKE UP CALL. As it is now, she has been enabled into a state of peaceful bliss while she is rewarded for destroying your marriage. And this can continue forever. What woman in her right mind wouldn't give up having 2 men meeting her needs?

What would skeletons be? No relationships.

I do tend to be demanding and get angry more easily than I should. I am working on those issues with a counselor and in a class now. I came from a pretty verbally abusive family and while I thought that I was different, I have not been different enough. I have led a pretty parallel life that focused on the kids. I did find our child's SN to be very stressful and I did not deal with that as well as I could, I think I seemed volatile and anxious at times. That pushed buttons from her family background that she did not discuss with me until a month or so agao. Happily the child's health has improved and development is back on track but it was a rough few years. The kids did need a lot and the therapies, etc were time consuming and financially draining. I probably turned to family more for support as DW seemed exhausted and removed. I was not empathetic in addressing her depression, I probably made it worse. Clearly I have things to work on regardless of how this all plays out.

That is because the counselor doesn't have the slightest idea how to save your marriage. Counseling is a complete waste of time and money when one partner is in an affair and any scrupulous "counselor" would not be taking your money.


This is all a distraction from the real issues. She wasn't trying too darn hard if she is having an affair.

I agree that I am allowing the whole thing to continue, she gets to have her cake and eat it too.

First it "wasn't time" to go to counseling, then it was "too hard to think of coming back" then it was "too late".

There are a host of complicating factors. In addition to the depression she seemed to have symptoms of exhaustion and adult ADD over the past year. She didn't respond well to meds. It turns out that there is a treatable physiological problem that could significantly have contributed to the depression and ADD symptoms. It was just diagnosed and we'll see if she takes steps to address it. She had rescheduled the appointment for almost a year. So many little places where it could have turned for the better. The hard thing to swallow is that she always chose the other option. I had bought into the traditional therapy model and said that she had to address a whole host of things, wish I had gone for reconnection instead. But the truth is the divorced AP was the shoulder she turned to as soon as she was out.

My focus still is more on the kids. I would not have wanted this for them. Her focus is, as always, more on her. She gets to define what playing "good mommy" looks like.

One other factor - she does feel really guilty but converts that to extreme anger at me. She will argue vehemently that it is not an "affair" that we were separated. One day, before I knew, one of the kids thought he saw her on a field trip, she flipped out and practically spit that she "didn't appreciate the insinuation!!!" Of course, that screamed guilt to me, I discovered a love note the following week. Her family knows, they are clueless and quite hands off as a rule. His ex may not appreciate his job being put at risk, she cheated on him and demanded a divorce without trying to work things out so she may not care, kind of a pot/kettle thing. DW is now talking about switching jobs, preumably to maintain the relationship with less risk. The oldest child does know, he noticed that the ring was off before I did and said one weekend day that he didn't think she was going to work dressed like that.

But she only gets to define that if you allow it. On the other hand, if you told the kids about her adultery and took back control of their lives, they would be protected from her destructive influence.

As far as her depression goes, her affair is likely a very large part of that. Affairs and other self destructive behavior cause enormous depression. But even so, her depression does not entitle her to abuse you and her children. But that is what she is doing.

Did you read my post about exposing the affair? How old are you children? And how have you explained their mothers absence?

When you are done making the excuses, exceptions, ancillary observations about contributing factors, and apologies for WW's actions and your lack of effective REactions that have filled your first five posts, signal by telling Melody "I'll shut up and listen now - What should I do, when, and how?"

You've got the BEST advising you, and you're parrying with her. STOP IT!

At first I said that she had moved out due to the depression, now she has said to them that she no longer loves me and that she has another life. The oldest asked if she even tried to come back and she danced all around it, he followed up with "I care because it is my family".

Ok.

I hear you.

What do I do now? Thanks for your advice.

Exposure to family and friends has accomplished nothing. Probably shows how detached she had become from my life and friends/family for a while.

AP is divorced himself, following his wife's affair, she has their kids.

Wife says that she wants divorce so I'm not sure that threatening it will accomplish anything. There is a waiting period, if she could have filed she probably would have.

Nervous about workplace exposure and it could lead to loss of job while I still don't have one. My SN child cannot be without health insurance (although she has put it at risk I hesitate to play that card). She says that she is job hunting now, to protect the affair is my guess.

What should I do, how, when?

I suspect you are confusing "some people know" with "exposing the affair." If you didn't tell them, it's not exposure. If only a few people found out, of course it accomplished nothing. Expose the affair to the whole light of day.


1. Reread MelodyLane's posts and make a todo list.

I would expose the affair. Call up your family and friends and tell them you are trying to save your marriage. Tell them all about her affair and explain why she moved out. [for her affair] Ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair.

Expose the affair to the OM's wife, parents, and family. If you can find him on facebook, you can send out PM's to all his family and friends. [we have a sample letter you can use]


Do you know this for a fact? Have you spoken to his wife?


Wife says what she has to say to keep you in line. And it has worked! But unless she actually filed for divorce, it was all TALK. And talk is cheap with a wayward.


You would be entitled to COBRA coverage if she lost her job. If she works wtih the OM she has to leave anyway if there is to be any hope of saving your marriage. She can't work with the OM if you are going to make it.


Expose the affair and stop being an enabler. ACT like you give a damn. DEMAND that she end her affair or you will divorce her. Give her 10 days to end her affair and move home. If she doesn't do it, then change your locks and go into a pitch dark Plan B.

I would stop screwing with your kids' heads TODAY and tell them the truth. Telling the kids lies to whitewash her crimes only teaches them dishonesty and causes moral confusion. It is like rearranging the furniture in the house of a blind person. You rearrange REALITY in their lives.

They need to be told the entire truth BY YOU. Explain their mother abandoned the family to pursue her adultery partner. She put her selfish desires before her own family. ENCOURAGE your children to ask her why. She needs to face up to what she has done to these kids.

Will her parents pay a visit to this loser and tell him to hit the road? I would cause as much trouble for this scumbag as you can. Go have a meeting wtih him and tell him HELL is coming his way.

Your wife needs to see that you care about your marriage, What. Your complacence reflects a lack of caring that inspires hatred and loathing from women. A man who allows himself to be used and abused is very unattractive to women.

Whatayear,

AP is divorced himself, following his wife's affair, she has their kids.

Such a victim, yep and OM is only doing this because of what a good human being he is, sounds like a load of manure, I agree with ML speak with OMW to get the low down.

he followed up with "I care because it is my family".

Both in my personal life and from reading on here there is almost never a case where the children do not know that something is going on, and in many cases are silent/terrified witnesses too scared to speak up.

God Bless
Gamma

Her parents know and basically said nothing. For them that is a ringing endorsement of our marriage, they typically encourage their kids to do what makes them happy.

If I contact OMW, how should that go?